Not-So-Passive Aggressive Cakes

You know that feeling you get sometimes, where you think everyone hates you and is secretly plotting your demise? (No? Just me?)

Usually that's called "paranoia." Unless, of course, you're in one of these bakeries:

Then it's called "reading the room."

Betcha never knew someone could give you the finger while wearing a baseball mitt, now, did you?

They're watching. Alllllways waaaatching.

Of course, some decorators can be pretty subtle:

"Why did he have to roam alone? WHY?!?"

While others just let it all hang out:

"Grrrrr..."

At least some places still offer truth in advertising, though:

The lawyers insisted.

Magic Girl, Julie D., Alanna F., Terra B., Rhoni L., & Bonbon, these "cakes" make me think we should be nicer to decorators. They could snap at any moment.

- Related Wreckage: Passive Aggressive Cakes

Creepy Crawly Cakes

Can't we just have normal frosting roses, sprinkles, maybe a spermy-looking bunch of balloons? Even a beanbag-body clown would be ok. I mean, I try to avoid even being in the same room with yukky-looking creatures...do I really have to take a bite out of one with a side of Ben and Jerry's?

This is a Naked Mole Rat. Cousin to the rare Old Navy Sweater-Wearing Mole Rat. This cutie is interesting because he lacks the ability to feel pain.

Yeeeah. I kinda wish I had that trait right about now.

Maybe if we hadn't stored this confection in a grimy cabinet and put a ravioli under the sheets, we could have avoided this infestation, hmm?

And speaking of infestations...

Do you think if you made a cake like this out of Twinkies, it'd be twice as likely to survive a nuclear holocaust? Just wondering.

Hey, ever wonder what you'd get if you crossed a naked mole rat with a roach?

Yeah, me neither.

Still, I bet it'd look something like this:

Kathy, Rebecca A., Lisal F., & Jessica D., these cakes aren't bugging you, are they?

UPDATE: A big thanks to Cristy B., creator of the Naked Mole Rat cake, for being such a good sport and submitting her own cake!

- Related Wreckage: I'm Guessing They Didn't Have a Matching Card

"World" Tour Final Countdown

To commemorate the upcoming book tour (only one week away!) John and I convinced our good friend Ray Lau to design us a nifty little logo. Check it out:

Fun, huh? Or creepy/cute, depending on how you look at it. Be sure to check out Ray's site if you're in the market for a graphic designer.

Since a few of you Tweeting Twits asked for it, I've made the logo available on a shirt (both for men and for women) and also a cute little tote on Zazzle for only $10.55. What's more, Zazzle is running a sale this week, so use the code "PIRATEDAYTEE" and you'll get $3 off every t-shirt you order. What a deal, right?

This will probably be my last tour-related update, so here are just a few tips for those of you planning to come see us.

1) If you haven't already, please RSVP - even if it's a "maybe." We want to make sure we have enough cake, books, and room for everyone. To RSVP, click on your city name in the sidebar on the right

2) If you're planning on buying a book at the store, or if you have a cupcake entry, please try to get there early. We have LOTS of fun stuff to pack into a short amount of time, not the least of which is my signing all of your books, so we don't want you to miss anything.

3) Make sure your cupcake is on a small plate or board of some kind, and that it has your name on it. Those of you who actually write "Your Name" on it will get laughs, but no credit. ;) That matters, because the top three cupcakes will win fabulous prizes. Fabulous, I say!

Oh, and I nearly forgot: I just learned that we still need bakeries to provide the cake in San Francisco and in Dallas. If you're a professional baker in one of those cities, and you'd like to show off your skills and get a little free advertising at the same time, please e-mail me!

And that's it! I can't tell you how excited I am to meet so many of you soon. Come ready to party! Those of you in NY and Bethesda will have the added honor of meeting my Wrecksistant, Anne-Marie, who also happens to be John's sister. Believe me, this is gonna be good.

I'm This Many

Let's see if you can guess how old these cake celebrants are:

(Ah, phone orders, how I love thee...)

This next one's a bit harder because of the lousy penmanship, but give it a minute: it'll come to you.

Did you get it? Huh? Didja?

Seriously, how fabulous is this? The baker took a simple two-word inscription ("You're 31!"), turned it into a three-word inscription, and then misspelled every word. ("Your thirtee won")

And then there's that comma. Just look at it, sitting there all nonchalantly, mocking my every attempt to comprehend its existence. Grr. I tell ya, if there's one thing I hate, it's smug punctuation marks. Yeah. It's all, "Hey, you should pause for breath here, even though the sentence has technically already ended." Aaaugghh!!

I can't take it anymore!

The comma must be stopped!!

[patting down hair]

Ahem.

So, where were we?

Oh, right. Well, I have no idea how old Alicia here is...

...but at least there are no stinkin' commas.

Jennifer S., Cari B., & Alicia W., I've noticed that more people are suggesting I take a day off lately. I have no idea why.

- Related Wreckage: Tassel Hassles

A Whale of a Tale

[shining flashlight spookily in face] Come gather 'round to hear a tale of a Wreck.

And not just any Wreck, either.

A wreck [dramatic pause] to the third power.

Er, or something like that.

Last week a local news website in DC ordered a cake for their fifth anniversary. The site is named DCist, and Sommer, who sent this in, asked the bakery to just write their name across the whole cake.

Here's what they got instead:

Bringing a whole new meaning to the Fail Whale?

You've got to admire the tenacity of this decorator. Even while operating under the assumption that the customer wanted something written "on a whale cake", he still went ahead and just wrote those instructions out instead. The fact that the baker actually made more work for himself (by writing the extra text) while trying to make less work for himself (by avoiding drawing or carving a whale cake) is what makes this such a gem. Ah, good stuff.

Thanks to Sommer and to DCist.com, which also posted it (under the same clever title, I might add - great minds and all that) here.

- Related Wreckage: Wreck Creators