It's Rude to Stare

Even if the shower cake IS modeled after the guest of honor's ginormous rack.

I have a confession to make: I really don't like attending baby showers. There's all the frippy little decorations, lots of cooing "mom" types, and those obligatory shower games which were undoubtably invented by a woman on the verge of a murder/suicide. However, I think this cake would liven up your average baby shower. I mean, just watching a room full of women in flamingo capris and sun dresses trying to compliment, much less cut, this cake would be bona fide entertainment. "Why, Doris" (looking mom-to-be up and down) "it looks just like you! Er, would you like a slice of boobie?"



Thanks to Kate E. for the photo!

Makes Ya Wonder What the Card Said...

For that matter, does Hallmark even have a herpes section? Hm. Oh, and just for my own personal reference - how much do you have to whine about minor skin irritations to get yourself a cake?

But you know, the best part is that whoever gave this cake managed to convey an effective "Get over it, you ninny" while still getting brownie points for doing something sweet. How perfect is that?!? I'm going to have to re-evaluate my whole nagging process. I wonder how well these would work on a cake:

"Yay! You finally put the seat down!"
"Happy Hangover! Here's to many more!"
"Let it go already."
"Guess who's PMS'ing?"
"Who needs a working car/AC/dishwasher, anyway?"
"This is dinner."
"We were on a break!"

Anyone else have suggestions?

Can You Make a Freudian Slip in Icing?

Because I think someone just dii-iid! [sing-song voice]

In addition to the surprisingly obscene well-wishing, this cake also suffers from a lack of grammar skills (it's a run-on sentence, and yet the "M" is capitalized - and why two periods?) and a hideous color scheme. I think those things in the corners are supposed to be rosebuds, so why are they grayish purple with blue squiggles? Some repressed feelings of inadequacy, perhaps? Hmm?

The Way All Apologies Should Be Made

Sincerely, honestly, and with copious amounts of sugar. Take note, guys.

I'd Still Eat It

My husband took one look at this and declared it the least appetizing cake he'd ever seen. Bingo! Today's post!

Ok, granted, that may be how "Clare" spells her name, and the other spelling error may be intentional (though I couldn't hazard a guess as to why...), but we cannot ignore the brown dripping goo with the pink roses - we just can't. In the words of my hubby, "Blech-ag-ack".

Oh, and I love the huge kitchen knife waiting in the wings - you can almost hear Mr. Black Shoes saying "Take the picture, will ya? I'm hungry!".

What, ANOTHER Obscure Bank Holiday?

Ok, obviously this cake decorator has some mad skilz: great balloon placement, excellent use of color, and I particularly like the confetti sprinkle to icing squiggle ratio. Really, my only criticism can be that he or she thinks "Myjiantbirthday" is one word. (And lest you think this is only a spelling error & spacing issue, look closely: those letters are all connected, my friends. Ergo, one word.) But you know, as mistakes go, that's kind of a doozie.

The Anti-Wedding Cake

Dude, that's harsh.

Proof That Computers Will Never Rule the World

This is legit, folks: never think that I don't do my research! Apparently the store in question had an online ordering form, which then linked directly to the edible-ink printer. Granted, you would think the decorator might catch this glaringly obvious mistake, but in that person's defense, he or she is only paid to slap some icing roses on, ok? So lay off! Oh, and that will be $19.95, please.

When Brides Have No Budget (Or Taste)

Obviously someone needed to rein in this woman during the wedding planning. What kind of ego does it require to commission a life-sized replica of yourself in cake? But what really baffles me is this: the details are exact right down to the hair clip, so what the heck is UP with that tacky red rick-rack down the skirt of the cake? "Sure, we hand-painted a matching bodice-design, copied the make-up and hairstyle, and have identical veils - but then we thought this giant rick-rack would add just the right extra touch!" ?!?

Obviously Bridezilla shares my opinion: she's eying that red trim with murder in her eyes.

This Made Me Laugh 'Til I Cried

So I was putzin' around on google image search, looking at cakes, of course, when I stumbled across this picture:

Which, you know, made me kind of curious.

So I went to the originating site of the photo and read the corresponding blog post. It's written by Scott of Basic Instructions, which you should definitely check out sometime. Anyway, by the time I finished reading his post I was crying with laughter, and I knew I could not post his cake photo without the whole story attached. I e-mailed him and got his permission, and so without further ado, here it is:

"I had a day job as an office manager for the Seattle office of an international firm. We found out that one of our employees was transferring to one of our offices in China. When one of our people would leave, we usually had a little wing-ding with drinks and cake on the departing employee's last Thursday in the office, so on Tuesday it fell to me to fax a cake order into our nearest Costco Bakery.

I should point out that on that day I had a headache so bad that it hurt to move my eyes. Ordering the cake was the last thing I did before I went home sick for the afternoon. As I filled out the order form, I realized that in addition to the personalized message ("Good Luck in China," in this case) we could also get a large decoration for no extra charge. I looked at the options and none of them were appropriate. They were all things like teddy bears, balloons, or race cars. Crap, in other words. I figured if none of them were appropriate, I might as well get something that made no sense whatsoever.

I put a check mark next to the word "Fireman."

The next morning (Wednesday), lying in bed just before getting up, my mind wandered over the previous day and all the things I had accomplished. My eyes snapped open as I thought, "What did I do!? Why did I order a fireman? That makes no sense!!! I'm going to look like an idiot!"

I went to work, intent on calling the Costco as soon as they opened and stopping the cake before it started. I still had a day before I was supposed to pick it up. I figured that should be plenty of time. After some effort, I got hold of the bakery manager, only to be told that the cake had already been made. It was too late. I figured I'd just have to stand up straight and take it like a man.

My wife and I went to Costco to pick up the cake. When I got to the bakery, this is what was waiting for me.

(see above picture)

Making the hose flesh-toned had been a very bad move.

At first all I could do was blink at it and wonder, "Am I the only one who sees a giant wang?" I looked at my wife. She was blinking at the cake. An awkward silence and a few stammered sentences later we established that we both saw the same thing. A fireman holding an immense, dripping wang.

I could not serve this cake to my coworkers.

My first thought was that I would just absorb the cost of a second cake and pretend this never happened. Then I thought, "Wait a minute! This is not an erotic bakery! This is Costco! I should be able to order any stupid cake I want and be confident that it will not be sexually charged."

While at the checkout line I found a Costco employee to complain to, and showed him the cake. He blinked at it. I told him I was uncomfortable serving this cake at a place of business, and he started laughing and looking relieved.

Here’s what I came to realize about the cake. The obscene image was just obvious enough that you can't help but recognize it, but also obviously innocent enough that you don't want to say anything for fear that you're the only one who sees it.

Soon I was surrounded by several Costco employees who were looking at the cake and laughing. They explained that they had a new cake decorator who was a deeply religious woman from a foreign country, as if that explained everything. At one point while we were hammering out a settlement a woman happened by, caught a glimpse of the cake, covered her mouth and gasped. Good stuff."

Some Cakes Need No Commentary

Apocalypse Cake

The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Quick, someone make a cake!

Yes, there's nothing quite like plummeting balloons and unconscious clowns to celebrate your own personal apocalypse. Anyone have some radiation-free milk to go with?

When Evil Commercial Fishermen Marry

All that's missing is a little icing net draped over the guys at the bottom - and is that a pool of monochromatic blood? Creeeepy.

The Most Disturbing Cake EVER

[NOTE - The original photo was removed at the baker's request. This cake is merely a similar style, to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. ;) ]

Great burrowing baby bottoms, Batman!

Wow. Here's a cake you could never photograph from the backside, eh? (Get it, "backside"?) Seriously, let's count the ways in which this cake is oh-so-wrong, shall we?

1) There is a baby butt on it
2) There is no corresponding baby head to the baby butt
3) To be in this position, the baby would have to be buried alive inside the cake (aw, what a cute concept!)
4) Two lucky individuals are going to get to play "These Little Piggies" with their mouths
5) Did I mention there is a baby butt on it?


Karen F., bottom's up!

Whoah

I was at a loss for words to describe this cake, so I plugged in the word "hideous" to my trusty thesaurus. I still didn't find any silver bullets, but here's my best shot:

This cake is appallingly distasteful.

Eh?