Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Free Throws

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

A while back one of our readers suggested a fun activity for the next book tour: set up plain frosted cakes, and let contestants hurl various bits of candy, flotsam, and ribbon at said cakes. Whichever looks "best" wins.

Unfortunately, I think some wreckerators out there took this as career advice.

And believe me: there are no winners here.

Wow. I didn't know you could get that kind of distance out of mini marshmallows.


You know what they always say about edible splatter paint!:

Nothing, actually. They're all too busy trying to avoid the pieces with the poo-colored jelly beans.


Here's one that made use of the drop method:

Most of it even landed on the cake!

Of course, when you're lobbing across such great distances, some breakage is to be expected:

Boops.


You can see that a lot of throwing went into this one:

(Psst. Throwing up counts, right?)


Hang on a sec, something's wrong.

This one's making me hungry:


Mmmm.

Curse you, Wreckerators, and your nefarious mind-washing piles of whipped cream and berry goodness!


I mean, what next? Will a professional chef on a national reality show get in on the act??

[holding head] We're too late! AAHHHH!!


(The 'kill it' caption was added by Serious Eats, btw, which has a hilarious episode recap here. I wonder where they might have gotten their inspiration, hmmm? :D)


Thanks to Jill N., Ashlee M., Cassie G., Julie V., Kimberly B., & Elizabeth L., who all get to be first in line come book-tour-throwing time.
M. Dale said...

Well, I got my neck good and stretched out today.

First cake: "Huh" *head tilt right*
Second cake: "Oh, my" *head tilt left*
Third cake: "What the what?" *head tilt right*

....Might be as close to exercise as I get today. Thanks, Cake Wrecks!

Anonymous said...

I wd totally eat that marshmallow one!

AvengersWasp said...

Dear Lord, are those cakes things that people actually PAID for? With MONEY? That they WORKED for?


Bosha kohani...

Judy C said...

I seriously wonder if the decorators of the cakes actually think they look ok. And I wonder if anyone actually buys them. And why.

PuckabrinaForever said...

Um...that's all I have to say. Just um. And weeping for the future of our generation of cake decorators.

Cake 1- *weep*

Cake 2- *sob*

Cake 3- *bawl*

Cake 4- Is this a blanking joke?

Haiku Joy said...

I flunked basketball.
My wall has my dartboard's pricks.
Hunting buddies, gone.


wv:darse

I darse someone will take aim at these cakes better than I did.

Stacie said...

Until you said they were poo-colored jelly beans, I thought those things on the second cake were olives. Sadly, that didn't seem to be the worst thing they did to the cake.

Craig said...

Time for some good, old-fashioned cake trebuchet, I think. Anyone who has seen the probably-faked 'how not to eat a watermelon' video will know why I choose a treb over a catapult.

sendingtheclowns said...

1-Yes. Indeed one can get plent o' mileage outta a bag of mini mallows. On the other hand (the one that held the nearly-empty Hershey bottle),not quite as much, seemingly.
2-mutant grubs looking for a place to lay mutant-grub eggs
3-Ah! It's the old "paper-ribbon-to-floss-with" on the cake trick.
Tasty.
4- amputated polar bear fingertips
5- peaches & cream ="parfait cake"...
I'd ask for a spoon, but it appaers someone's already had at it with a trowel.

=^e.e^=

Anonymous said...

"poo-colored jelly beans"

Ummm, I thought they were slugs?

--S. Auten, Dallas GA

SuBee said...

Somebody must be buying these things or they wouldn't keep making them. These consumers must be suffering from very low self esteem. They feel they don't deserve tasty AND tasteful baked goods.
They need our help.
Anyone want to help me plan a telethon?
Or maybe a "We Are the World" kind of thing.

WV: avoism-a psychological conditions which causes sufferers to avoid all that is fine and beautiful. People with avoism often prefer poo-colored jelly bean cakes.

RogerBW said...

When all you have is a shotgun and a bag of jellybeans, everything looks like a cake?

Oldish Lady said...

You realize of course that the poo-colored jellybeans are an incredibly valuable resource in the cake decorator's arsenal.

At last you can make a very realistic Easter bunny cake without fear that it will be missing that one last vital detail.

WV: speclac--a new laxative that might or might no actually work.

elissa said...

Gag.

Were those jelly beans? I thought they were slugs. Or maybe rocks.

wv: burlecta. A scholarly talk on the art of burlesque. Also, coincidentally, sounds a lot like "hurl."

Anonymous said...

That 2nd cake looks like it has slugs on it! GROSS!!

Cookie Cakes said...

that first marshmallow one is a disaster

Anonymous said...

@RogerBW: that should totally be a bumper sticker. And a T-shirt. Pure awesome.

- DB

Sharyn said...

This is prompting flashbacks to those Sandra Lee cakes you've featured -- if we look closely enough, I'm sure we'll find apple pie filling and corn nuts on at least one of these masterpieces.

Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I want to eat the marshmallow one O_o wrong, I know

Fluffy Cow said...

You know... it's like they are not even trying anymore.

On the up side... I think I'm going to go buy some whipped cream.

Gary said...

Yay! You used my suggestion as a daily theme!

(Basking in my five seconds of glory.)

Leisha said...

(3) $6.00 for a pile of pre-used clown makeup?! GROSS.

cq75 said...

Oh man! I think someone (read: not me) needs to go back to the orginal post that had this suggestion and identify that commenter. It's almost like he(?) was psychic!!

And I'd totally go to a book signing with "throw the flotsam at the cake" game. That would be AWESOME!

cq75 said...

Oh wait! Gary just posted... GO GARY!

Anonymous said...

The decoration-tossing game could be made even more fun by having the contestants do it blindfolded. :)

Amanda said...

Is the one making you hungry even a cake?! Looks like pancakes to me! Okay, maybe that counts... So do we get to feature pancake disasters here too now?! (:

octan said...

That second-to-last one... is there a word for what they did there, piping a scribble in icing that's meant to harden and then sticking it in the cake? Somebody put a good deal of thought and effort into that, considering how bad it looks.

AnotherAnonymous said...

I think they already were blindfolded

Aliza said...

Wow, wreckerating has sunk to a new low.

#1: what a waste of marshmallows. Which are likely the only edible & tasty item under that dome. Sacrilege!

#2: even the border is trying to escape that cake. Or was it the wreckerator's desperate cry for help, attempting to do a Rorschach ink-blot test? Because it's certainly no Pollack painting!

#3: Definitely a case when ribbon does NOT complete the package. Sadly, those weird blotches are actually more attractive than the ribbon mess...

#4 If that's chocolate, it's forgiveable.

#5 that cake is far from "parfait"! (is it also self-destructing?)

#6 Strange. An appetizing wreck. But I guess fruit and coulis and whipped cream can't be that bad :)

#7 the only positive thing I can think of is that perhaps that one actually tastes good. And in all fairness, I've seen more than one home-baker decorate a cake that way. Not for a wedding, though...

I think I agree with @Craig: the only throwing involved here should be with a trebuchet!

And @Haiku Joy, I somehow can't picture Cheney decorating cakes in a kitchen...

BADKarma! said...

The moulding chocolate scribbles on the last cake are kind of artistic, actually... emphasis on the "kind of"...

WV - Fitable: These wreckerators' motto is "all the crap that's fitable on a cake".

Garrick said...

The parfait cake looks like it has pimento cheese spread over it...I really hope those are just diced strawberries or something.

furpurrson said...

The second-to-last cake is actually quite impressive, technique-wise. But ... why? Why??

Kimberly Chapman said...

I have a particular affinity for the original Kill It With Fire. That wreckplica is still in my display case on the chance that you actually dare to tread in this lethal state again...the cupcake mummified into a sugary crouton of evil doooooooom.

Gary said...

Amanda:
Pancakes are cakes.
And pancakes with five gallons of whipped cream, randomly spilled fruit, and some kind of strange wire-like scribbly things on them are ... well, a mess.

LunamothMama said...

Hehehehehe

1) cake decorator walks into work that morning: "oh, they want ne to cover this cake with marshmallows? Finally, a use for my slingshot!"

2) Decorator walks into work: "I really love Jackson Pollock paintings....and neon green.. and olives... and my slingshot..."

3) decorator walks into work: "ho hum, what should I do with this cake....drop some food coloring on, yep, a start....but it needs something else. Some "wow" factor. Darn, we don't have any corn nuts. But there's a bunch of ribbon trimmings from the balloons! Too bad it wouldn't work with my slingshot. "

4) decorator walks into work: "ooo, a bucket of leftover broken cookies & other assorted flotsam! Well, one decorator's trash is another's treasure! Now, where's my slingshot..."

5) decorator walks into work with 3 year old son on take-your-child-to-work day: "jack, remember, don't touch anyth.... hey, how did you get my slingshot??"

6) decorator has been at work for some time: "100 points for every berry I can slingshot into the fenced-in area. 25 points deducted for hitting the fence. "

7) highly trained decorator walks into work at a very respected bakery: "hmm. It seemed like such a good idea yesterday to use my slingshot to place those berries. Well, maybe some casually tossed orchid flowers will help. "

Valerie said...

That last picture reminded me of when Julia Child was on the Martha Stewart xmas special. They each built a tower of cream puffs. Martha's was a beautiful, symmetrical work of art, Julia's was a sloppy, lumpy pile. I think she'd already started to lose it by then, but Martha was gracious about it. Julia was always a sloppy cook.

KiriD said...

Ok, I admit it, I thought the cake with the 'poo jelly beans' has slug good and slug eggs on it. Not sure if slugs lay eggs.

wv: Clese: (two words) John Clese

Maureen said...

Awesome post and wreckies again! Thank you so much for posting almost every day. And always being funny and bringing a smile to my face. You guys are terrific.

LCT said...

First thing I thought of when I saw cake #5 was that it looked like multi-colored ear plugs were thrown all over it.

Adrianne said...

I agree with Stacie. I looked at the cake and asked myself, "Why are there olives on the cake?"

I am a little scared about the slugs that some people have in their areas.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Um, let's hope that there is no inspiration for a Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Bean for the poo-colored ones...

At first, I thought they looked more like the rocks Charlie Brown got for Halloween.

Now that some have mentioned it, put the proper eyes and mouths and they could look like those slugs from the movie "Flushed Away" LOL.

mel said...

Finally! A whole bunch of magic -eye cakes!!! These are great examples of those wonderful 3D stereograms that look like squiggles and stuff but actually hide wonderful 3D pictures! Just like with the pictures, hold the cake about 18 inches in front of you, kinda look through the cake into the area behind it and let your eyes relax. It may take some practice.

The first cake is clearly a Rainbow Brite picture, and if you squint your left eye just a little while opening your right eye fully, and tilt your head a tad to the left, you can see Wisp and Twink riding on Starlite. Nod your head a few times and you can almost see the horse actually move.

Second cake: see Kermit? Sure you do, hopping around from rock to rock.

Third cake: opening ceremony of the Olympics where the participants twirl those long flowing ribbons. Rotating your head in small circles almost brings them all to life! Can't you just hear the music in your mind!

Fourth cake: Who ya gonna call? Yes, that's right, keep squinting and blink your eyes quickly, and here comes the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man!

Fifth cake: Made by a beginner, a combination of rapid blinking and nodding only makes you nauseous. I think they were trying for a wiggling Jello effect.

Sixth cake: This is a hard one, but carefully positioning of the cake and total eye relaxation, with accompanying winking, nodding and absolute quiet reveals the scene where Tom Sawyer tricks his friends into whitewashing the picket fence. The brushes almost seem to move!

Last cake: Unfortuantely, though it is well done, this cake contains some erotica...you'll just have to look for yourself. Caution: do not strain your eyes!

wv-trozymou: an imaginary word frequently used in Scrabble as a bluff.

tiny p elephant said...

I thought of cake challenge before i read the caption!
Loved Patrick Coston !!

Barbara said...

I hope I don't have nightmares about these cakes. They are just horrible. I wouldn't even touch those jellybeans. Okay maybe if someone paid me I would.

I have to wonder about the people that buy them. I could make a cake myself that doesn't look so vomititous and I'm no baker.

Stacey said...

The saddest thing about the marshmallow monstrosity is that there are TWO of them!!!

Sue KuKu said...

"Curse you, Wreckerators, and your nefarious mind-washing piles of whipped cream and berry goodness!"

You forgot to mention the Doozer sticks on it! Yum!

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

#2 (pardon the pun)

I thought that they were wither olives or slugs (the slimy kind).

Kat said...

#2 the jelly beans look like slugs with slime trails behind them!

Donna said...

Had to look twice at "cake" number 2...thought it had bugs on it. UGH.

Sharyn said...

@Mel at 12:42

You're either brilliant, or you need to adjust your meds.

I'm betting brilliant. That was hysterical.

(Now, if I can just get my eyes to uncross...)

Unity said...

The jellybeans on #2 look like slugs to me. Maybe I've been spending too much time in the garden and not enough time throwing things at cakes?

Anonymous said...

My nine year old daughter said of the first one, "what's that supposed to be? throw up?" LOL

babird1 said...

Do you suppose cake #2 could count towards your daily intake of greens? Or is it the result of someone who ate too many greens and then leaned over a cake....

Anonymous said...

Hunh. I thought the things on cake #2 were chocolate rocks. Or jelly beans. But they do look more like some of the chocolate rocks I've bought at science museums. Either way, they do nothing for the, um, "cake."
TXRed

WV: surthrew. "That last one surthrew me for a loop."

Adriane said...

.......... I'm so confused. I think .. I need to go lay down ....

Heidi D said...

The second cake looks like it has candy slugs.

Sonia J said...

I thought that second one featured snails, but your guess on poop-colored jelly beans fits great too. Oooh, yummy!

I take some pride in making birthday cakes and such for my own family (to have fun and save money). Especially after reading your blog, I don't put too much pressure on myself for my work to be beautiful. I do wonder though, how could anyone get paid to make these "creations" and how on earth could someone walk in and choose to spend their money on them? Yikes!

Wendy said...

It might be that I just came out of the garden. but those jelly beans on second cake look like slugs to me.

kristina said...

I'm with Anonymous @ July 6, 2011 10:16 AM re:cake number two:

I thought they were slugs in the grass... ew!!

Amy said...

Sweet marshmallow cake! My brother-in-law is making my daughter a marshmallow gun... think she'll let me borrow it so I can decorate her birthday cake with it? Ha!

sendingtheclowns said...

@Mel:

I tried the "winking, nodding and absolute quiet," fell asleep, and the only thing that happened was that I dreamed I was a geisha.

No matter~~those are smashing good analyses!
So! The reason I'm calling is to ask this:
Would you be my shrink? My last one fired me.
Look, my brain can't be more than one-fifth as screwed-up as those cakes are, and probably wouldn't make you sick (like that fifth could). *urp* On the down side, though, it's not as colorful as the cakes, either (it's mostly gray...and quite possibly fondant-based).
Think about it?
=^~.-^=

Anonymous said...

If you guys didn't like the sixth cake.....how could you! Don"t you see that the decorator was trying to express the chaos in the world through cake? The white on white setting signifies the bleakness of life! This cake is full of so many symbols.....and you people just*sob*.....LAUGH!

Doctor Tarr said...

Waiter! There are snails on her cake! Now get them out of here before she sees them!

Tricia L said...

RogerBW said...
When all you have is a shotgun and a bag of jellybeans, everything looks like a cake?

Oh, Roger, Roger, Roger. What have you gone and done. Somewhere out there (probably here in the South) some idiots with shotguns and too much time on their hands are raiding the cupboards for mini marshmallows, jellybeans, sprinkles, and assorted confections. I'm sure there will be a news report about some damn fool who shot his foot full of chocolate sprinkles when he dropped his gun.

Elaine said...

That first one is especially funny because it is not one-of-a-kind. Look at the one it's sitting on top of. Clearly it is a well thought out and repeatedly executed design...

Abbey D said...

ok, you say that on the second cake it is poo coloured, i thought they were slugs on a cake sugesting that we should save the habitat of the slug. seriously, they look like slugs. and this is coming from a 13 year old.

pikkewyntjie said...

@Amy: I was wondering if anyone else thought of marshmallow guns!

My son's Cub Scout pack used marshmallow guns at an event and I think they could have done a better job decorating.

Craig said...

One reason people really should use at least a 'handle' if not their real name is that referring to 'anonymous' is impersonal and awkward.

That said, @Anonymous @ 8:28 has the right idea with the existential angle; these cakes look like the wreckerators were using the 'Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook' as their inspiration (if 'inspiration' is a word that can possibly apply in this case). The only thing missing is the 'Black Forest Cake', which is made with five pounds of cherries and a live beaver.

Meanwhile, @Sharyn invoked the SL. Did we really need that? Aren't these cakes bad enough already?

sendingtheclowns said...

@Craig:

"...'anonymous' is impersonal and awkward."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I agree. And it is also dangerous!
Why, in this day and age...it could be almost ANYone! ((SHUDDER))
I say we should petition to have the designation changed to this:
A. Non Ymous (pronounced: Ay-Nohn-Eemoo)
Ititials: A.N.Y.
Adorable, yes?

It looks like a "real" name (sort of), sounds (somewhat) distinguished, and is gender non-specific. (One may preface it as one wishes with "Mr.", "Mrs.", "Miss", "Ms.","Sir", "Madame", "Honorable", "Senator", "Don", or what-have-you.)
A huge step above impersonal and awkward.
=^u.u^=

Sharyn said...

@Craig,

You're right. It was wrong of me to mention She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Please accept my apology for that serious lapse in judgment.

Sharyn

Arlene said...

Hmm looks like that first cake got some lovely fruit flavored marshmallows. Why they decided to just fling the cake in the marshmallows one will never ever know. Though knowing me unless it is angel food I would eat it lol. Sad but true my love of cake knows no bounds apparently.

Kati said...

Anonymous 11:08am said: The decoration-tossing game could be made even more fun by having the contestants do it blindfolded. :)

Umm, I'm pretty sure these wreckorators were blindfolded.

wagthedad said...

I am glad that you said those thingies up there were jelly beans, because at first, second and third glance they looked like olives, and for a second there I was all "mmm...martini cake," and then I was all "wait, frosting and sugar yuck," and now it's time to end this comment.

JGblog said...

Haaaaaaaaa Kill It With Fire. Oh, yeah.

Joan

Anonymous said...

Those are some strange looking cakes. Who would actually serve them.

Scotland said...

The throw up one kind of reminds me of a dish that was served on a TV show "Come Dine With Me".

The dish was the dessert, a 'trifle with a twist'... the twist being that it had whole sausages in it!

BTW: incase you don't know, the show is people running dinner parties for each other and secretly scoring them. Needless to say, she lost

Run down of that show is here.

D.B. Echo said...

The third one looked like a Jackson Pollock homage to me. And the abstract one, with the berries, whipped cream, and standing bits of solid icing - that one is just BEGGING to be eaten!

Summers School said...

Next Challenge- Make a cake that is a wreck! (It has to look good of course.)

Heidi D said...

AbbeyD, you're not 13 yet. Your birthday isn't until Monday, silly girl.

Are there slugs in Florida? They're plentiful in the Northwest.

JHill said...

I don't know why the "Boops" got to me so much, but I am still giggling.

Anonymous said...

The marshmallow one looks like the mermaid pie from the movie Waitress. Perhaps that's what they were going for?
JenW

Vale's Mom said...

Ewwwwww! Cake #2 looks like it has slugs on it! *barf*

Anonymous said...

The one with the marshmallows looks like someone was trying to make a church window, but didn't roll it up or freeze it, then just threw it on top of a cake and drizzled chocolate on it. Also, I think they should put labels on cakes with ribon:
WARNING: NOT FOR CHLDREN UNDER THE AGE OF 3. RIBON MAY INDUCE CHOKING.

-Μαρία Βάγκνερ

HunBun said...

Late to the party (and such appetizing treats *snort*) but had to let you all know that there ARE marshmallow guns available...
http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=marshmallow+shooter&tag=googhydr-20&index=toys-and-games&hvadid=6121800551&ref=pd_sl_39txhmuik8_b

My niece's hubby got one for Christmas last year...it can shoot a mini a good 10 feet!

Keith P. said...

How 'bout in the next one, bakers throw the actual cake? If edible, I'd eat a cake that's smeared on the wall up to seven inches high!