Oh My Stars!

As I'm sure you've all heard, there was a bit of a dust-up recently over whether or not our astrology signs have changed. Betrayal, bewilderment, boredom...there was a veritable gamut of emotions running wild.

Fortunately, CNN has since assured the world that my not being a Taurus is total bull. Whew! However, just for fun, let's take a look at these "new" signs and how they might have changed our lives forever.

Or...not.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
Capricorns are known to be obedient and dedicated. If you ask a Capricorn to do something, you can be sure it is going to get done...

...literally.

Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
Aquarius is represented by water, which fits this sign's creative, "free flow" personality.

"That'll be $28.95, please."

Pisces: March 11- April 18
Pisces is an emotional yet generous sign. These selfless individuals will give until it hurts.

Or until they run out of room.

Aries: April 18 - May 13
Much like their symbol the ram, Aries are fearless creatures. They forge boldly ahead, letting no man, beast...

...or periwinkle border stand in their way.

Taurus: May 13- June 21
Taurus is a sign that never backs down. This stubborn bull will stand her ground through all of life's challenges.

"Look, the writing on the order form says 'Blinday.' END OF STORY."

Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Gemini is often of two minds, waiting to make a choice until the very last minute.

When it's over she'll know if she can write "happy" or not.

Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Cancers are rooted in the past, home and hearth. You can trust a Cancer to feed you, mother you, clean you, feed you, love you...

...and feed you.

And then maybe eat you.

Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Leos are very ambitious - shooting for the stars, taking on large projects, and sometimes getting in over their heads.

Or King Tut's, as the case may be.

Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
You can always count on the reliable Virgo to deliver steady, consistent results.

This is more of a virtue if they know how to spell.

Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Libra has a clear sense of right and wrong, and is always a fair and impartial judge. However, Libra also craves communication and loves an opportunity to prove her intelligence.

Yes, thank you, Libra.

Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Sharp-shooter Scorpio has no problem telling it like it is. Scorpio is honest, direct, and lays everything out in black and white.

Scorpio is usually free most Saturday nights.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20
Nothing can slow down a carefree Sagittarius. Her spontaneity and drive keep things fun and interesting:

...and also covered in SPRINKLES!!! Wheeee!

Wreckiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Wreckiuchus likes to hide in plain sight, often going years before revealing himself to those closest to him.
Some skeptics say Wreckiuchus doesn't actually exist, but if you cross your eyes and stare really hard, we think you'll get the message.

The message being that you look pretty silly with your eyes crossed, of course.


Thanks to Kailee M., Sarah C., Maggie B., Jinglei, Aaron, Jordan F., Niloufer R., Anony M., Heather & Mikki, Katie O., Elizabeth, Stina, & Valerie M., who should all look before they leap, take advantage of sudden windfalls, and explore new opportunities today. And then maybe buy their favorite bloggers a snack. (We like Bugles.)

Sunday Sweets: So Stinkin' Cute

This week we're featuring some of the sweetest, cutest, most adorable, lovable, um... [consulting thesaurus] darling, bewitching, and fetching baby animal cakes you ever will see. Why? Well, if you must know, I'm feeling a bit sensitive this week.

This is john, by the way.

So, let me just get my box of tissues and we'll do this thing. Starting with Jen's favorite:

Found at the 2008 Orlando ICES Convention; baker unknown.

The hand-painted shading here is amazing. And the animals are adorable. And the lion isn't eating the zebra or the giraffe. So it's a win-win-win.

This cake is slightly more realistic:

Sub'd by Hilda F., and made by The Sweetest Thing Cake Studio

See how the monkey and giraffe cower in fear as the mighty tiger stalks his prey? Can you feel the tension? Can. You. FEEL IT?!?! No?

Maybe it's just me.


And now... sweet sleeping dragon!

Sub'd by Amelie B. and made by her sister Helene

Awwww. Okay. *sniff* I'm all verklempt. *sniff* I promised myself I wouldn't cry...

[blowing nose]

Hey! Look! Pandas!

Sub'd by Aljona and made by KralleCakes

And not just any pandas; these are the rare Russian Nesting Pandas. The mostly eat eucalyptus leaves and borscht.

Preeeesenting, the sweetest giraffe ever!

By Suzie's Cake Creations

Literally. I think the lack of neck really adds to the adorabletude, don't you?

And because I have an inordinate affection for tigers:

Sub'd by Jade D. and made by Theresa Gue

So. Cool. Jen says this reminds her of some Lisa Frank folders she had in middle school. Which she claims is a huge compliment. So there.

And you know what else has stripes? (I am the king of segues)

Sub'd by Brenda B., and made by Lilo Taart

I'm digging the bow and the vintage 20's hair part. Just dandy!

And speaking of bows. (I'm on a roll!)

By Aletha B.

Baby Cthulhu!! AAAAAUUUGGHH!! SOOO CUUUUTE!!

And get this: this is Aletha B.'s first cake. Yes, really! Mike, Duff, and Bronwen better watch out, 'cuz Aletha B.'s coming, and she's got a Cthulhu.

And speaking of... cake. (Okay, that one wasn't my best work.)

By Ann N.

Adorable. And hip. Oh. Yeah.

Another of Jen's favorites:

Sub'd by Orna G., and made by Odelia

Hand-painted rosebuds, cuddly teddy bears, and a miniature cake on cake? I can bearly stand it!

And finally, for your viewing pleasure, allow me to present...

a unicorn with a comb-over:

Sub'd by Elizabeth A., and made by Sachi Swick

You're welcome.

Now, who wants to WIN SOME FREE BOOKS?!? Huh? Awwwww yeeeeeeaaah.

Zooborns, one of our favorite so-cute-it-hurts websites, has given us two of their new books to give to two of you loyal wreckies!

One's for little kids:

And the other's for everyone else who likes cute:

(Click on the pics for more info)

We'll be giving away one copy of each, so feel free to tell us in the comments which you'd prefer. Two winners will be randomly chosen from the comments tonight at midnight EST, so stay tuned on FB or check this spot again tomorrow for the announcement of the winners!

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UPDATE!!!! The random number generator hath spoken! The winners are:

GrammaR @ 2:20 PM for the first book and
Ai @ 8:51 PM for the second!

Please email your addresses to comments (at) cakewrecks.com so we can mail out your prizes. And thanks to everyone for your great comments!

Wreck On!
-john (the hubby of Jen)

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Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

"Surprise!"

You know, when I see something like this I can't help but wonder:

Exactly which part do they consider the "surprise?"

The candy wrappers smashed into the icing on the cupcakes?

The cupcakes smashed into the icing on the cupcakes?

Or could it be the fact that someone managed to write $18.99 without a giant "LOL - j/k!" after it?

Thanks to AmyLynn, who knows some three-year-olds who do this for free. No matter how hard their parents try to stop them.

Mailbag!

Jen, John and I get billions of emails every day. Some tell us how funny we are. The rest are "enlargement" offers, unique international business opportunities, and requests for the photo of the uncensored German dong cake (yes, they're still asking).

In honour of "Clean Out Your Inbox Week," we've decided to respond to a few of those emails here.

******************
Dear Jen and John,

I've had a hard week! With my in-laws coming to visit and my water breaking, I've had no time to myself! I finally found solitude when I locked myself in the bathroom for six hours on Saturday and read through the Cake Wrecks archives on my laptop. (Had to stop when Aunt Tilda had to go "Number Twosies.") Just wanted to say thanks for the laughs and also ask how do you keep from getting stressed out?

Crying tears of joy,
-Matthew

*********

Dear Matthew,

I assume you meant to write that your water "heater" broke. However, we recently found ourselves in a similar situation when family came to visit over the holidays (only we chose to lock ourselves in the closet, not the bathroom). We restored our sanity by relaxing, meditating, and focusing on the love we have for each other.

And we also got drunk and ate lots of chocolate.


Don't forget to flush,
john (the hubby of Jen)

********************
Dear Cake Wrecks,

While I generally consider myself a "humorous" person, I must admit I was deeply offended by a recent joke you made on your site. There is nothing at all funny in this punchline:

"What kind of joker put this cake together?"

As the dealer for the Vegan Underwater Polish Canasta Team, I think you should consider your readers who hold the Joker in high regard. It is not a joke, Cake Wrecks. It is one of the most important cards in the deck.

Unfollowing. It's been fun.

-Betty
****************
Hi Betty,

We apologize for offending you and the other members of the Vegan Underwater Polish Canasta Team. We realize the Joker can be very important and will be sure to reference it in a higher regard next time we feature a wrecked playing card cake.

We plan to post the following cake next week and we sincerely hope your team won't be offended.

All the best-
Number One

*******************
Dear friend,

Please vote for my cat Smuckers in the Kennel Treats "Cutest Pet Sweepstakes!" The more votes my cat gets, the more chance we have to win! So vote often, and forward this email to all your friends!!


Vote now!!!
-Jeanna and Smuckers
********************

Dear Jeanna,

Though we appreciate your interest and highly personalized e-mail, I'm afraid we get too many requests for online votes to grant ours to little Smuckers.

Plus we thought this guy was cuter:


Best of luck anyway!
-CW Team
****************
Our deepest thanks to readers Fifi B., Theresa K., Jennifer D., Emily P., and Roberta for sending us emails with photos of cakes in them... and not just asking us to claim our winnings in the Euro Millions email promotion.

The Question Mark Is In Case You're Just Getting Fat

Love,

Your Co-Workers

(And also Jamie M., who thinks you're positively glowing.
Or that you need to lay off the break room donuts.)

Well Met, Helmet

Apparently, there was a football game over the weekend. Or something. And while I care slightly less about football than I do about squirrel husbandry, I figured now would be a good time to talk to you about protection.

Er, of your heads, I mean. Not my squirrels' nuts. (Those are in the shed. Next to the zippers.)

So...helmets! For your heads! Except the cake ones, of course, which are for your mouth!

It's actually really hard to make a cake that looks like a helmet. There are all the doodads and thingamajigs and whoosywhatsits, and if you're not careful it just looks like a heap a' flimflam jibber jabber!

(Wow. I just turned into my grandfather)

First, let's have Mr. Floopers model a real football helmet for us:

"I hate you."

See? It's simple. Just wrap your cat in a towel, and you can get almost anything on his head.

Oh, and the helmet is pretty easy, too.

In fact, when you break it down artistically, you can see that it's really just a big tombstone with a snail on it:

RIP, Ravens.


Or a one-tentacled jellyfish:

Make sure your helmets are well-rounded, though.

"Comb the dessert!"

A well-executed cupcake cake (hooy-patooty!) is great for crushing the other team's spirit.

"Choppin' broccoli!
I'm choppin' brocolay-hay!
I'm choppin' broccoli!"


Why, just look at the terror in their eyes:

Or you could confuse them with the abstract method:

"And that little pile of poo is a fleur de lis!"

[other team's minds exploding]

You could also try a little more Sparta than Super Bowl:

Hey, a football field is 300 feet.

And remember, when all else fails, try the ultimate offensive play:

Peeping Tom Brady. [shudder]

Thanks to Tim M., Cassidy S., Hunter F., Molly M., Erica B., Dena G., Amy K., & Lisa K., who think someone really should tell Giselle.

D-Scripted

It's National Handwriting Day! That's right, it's time again to take a moment to appreciate the handcrafted artistry that is personal penmanship.

Or...not.

Hey, three 'P's for effort!

Hmmm. Ok, so maybe you Wreckerators could use a few tips. Nothing major, of course; just a few simple techniques that even a trained possum could perform to make your piped penmanship a ptad prettier. (Of course, pastry possums are hard to come by these days, so you'll just have to do.)

- Try, try again.

If your first attempt is less than stellar, just go over it again with a darker color.

Of course, only go over those areas that really need it.

- Turn it around.

Everything looks neater upside down.

- Hide it.

Using an identical background color will effectively camouflage any snafoo.

- Keep 'em guessing.

Is that thing a butterfly, a flower, a shamrock, or something else entirely? Who knows? The important thing is your clients will be too preoccupied guessing to notice your wrecked up writing.


- Move to an earthquake-prone region.

This provides handy excuses in a pinch.

And finally,

- Quit while you're ahead.

Or just quit, as the case may be.

Thanks to Andrea B., Raymond P., Megan R., Tanya R., Jessica, Westly W., Kelley B., Zachary S., and Julie B., who know that quitting is the better part of valor. Or something.