After extensive research of all the baffling, exclamation point-riddled status updates I've been seeing on FB and Twitter, I've concluded that something either is happening, has happened, or will happen in the world of sports.
After a few wild guesses and a Magic 8-Ball consult, I've concluded that these happenings are "most likely" football-related.
Is this a football? "Ask Again Later."
This has me at a distinct disadvantage, since frankly I know about as much about football as I do that mysteriously emptied Reese's Chocolate Clusters bag on the kitchen counter. Which is to say absolutely nothing.
(Ok, that's not entirely true. I think I saw the cat sniffing the bag of chocolates earlier. So I'd definitely question her, John. Yeah.)
Still, I can guess that this frankenpoo butterfly with fuzzy monster wings is supposed to be a football:
And that this next one is probably a "football field" in some Wreckerator's wildest dream:
(I'm talking a What Dreams May Come kinda wildest dream here, not a Field of Dreams kind of dream. But you probably got that already, right?)
Besides, you don't have to know the game to realize that fecal footballs are really never a good idea:
Especially when placed next to perfectly decent-looking football picks. Bakers, ever hear the expression, "Don't park your ass next to a thoroughbred?" Just curious.
Could be worse, though. It could have fecal footballs with urine-yellow icing and a big ol' dual-meaning inscription like "Go Team" on it. Not that anyone would ever do something that...
Well, there it is.
Although now that I look at it, I'm actually kind of disappointed there isn't a "We're #1!" on it somewhere, or "Go long" or something with the word "pass" in it. Hehehe. Wow, I never realized there were so many potty puns in sports! That almost makes them slightly more interesting. (The puns - not the sports.)
Finally, here's one more design someone clearly didn't think all the way through:
Ok, let's be generous and assume the Wreckerator meant "Touchdown," but for some reason couldn't remember how to spell "down."
Even then, you know there are FB pics out there of a bunch of drunken guys posing with this cookie cake held in very, shall we say, strategic locations. Not good, bakers, not good.
Could Diana A., Marisa H., Sue B., Meryl, Julie M., & Jessica L. be the best Wreckporters ever? Signs point to yes. - Related Wreckage: Score!
NOTE: For the one person out there wondering: yes, today's title is inspired by The Drowsy Chaperone. For the rest of you: that's a musical with two punny gangsters in it posing as pastry chefs. Need I say more?
NOTE from john: We are currently unable to publish your comments. You can still write them but we won't be able to put them up for a little bit. Our "Epcot" advisory is at Orange.
Ahh, there's nothing like unintentionally inappropriate greetings at the bakery!
Hey, you put a giant dog bone on your cake, you're going to get a few Freudian slips.
For the new mom coming home with the baby:
Guys, here's a tip: subliminal messages work better in audio.
Of course, when you're actually trying for something a little risque, you can count on a Wreckerator to botch that up, too:
This was supposed to say "unexpected semen."
Aw, you couples and your pet names for each other! You're just so gosh darn cute.
Megan N., Alana Q., & Anony M., in the spirit of this post I'm sending you a wholly inappropriate (but mercifully virtual) butt-slap each right now.Great job! - Related Wreckage: Inappropriate, Much?
UPDATE: I'm told that the last cake was from a hubby to his wife, and that she was an accidental pregnancy. So yes, it was an inside joke gone wrong, but I think she still found it funny. That's all I know! Promise!
Created to commemorate the students and teachers that make our communities proud, today's cakes truly deserve to be in a class of their own.
Ah, you can always count on teachers to critique your work. Just be glad they couldn't find the red gel icing.
Who knew that the HoFsTraSTudenrTGoveraNeNTAssoCiaTion were such big fans of croquet? (I think my spell check just exploded.)
Oddly enough, I believe "Happy School Social" was the name of my 3rd grade dance. Yep. Slightly sad, awkward spaces, the occasional glaring failure...gee, there are all kinds of parallels going on here.
Hey, "Alumni Mentors," thanks SOOO much for everything. You're really "great." We are SOOO "glad" you could teach us how to "communicate" properly.
A certain school was celebrating great scores on the TAKS, which I believe is some kind of state-mandated testing like the FCAT, which we all know teachers everywhere adore and wish they had more of. Anyway, the cake was supposed to say "Congratulations for doing an exemplary job on TAKS", and the woman ordering asked that "TAKS" be in all capital letters.
Here's what they got:
"Congratulatiun for doing and ExernplaryJabonTAKS Capitol Letter"
That'll be $44.99, please!
Many thanks to Brittany S., Stephanie W., Sarah M., Mary R., & Vanessa for the "exernplary" wreckporting. - Related Wreckage: Ode to Irony
I don't mean to brag, but I'm pretty much an expert on the German language. Yep. Two point five years of public high school German right heeere, playah! In fact, I would be saying all this "aufDeutsch," but I don't want to dazzle y'all with my linguistic...um...awesomeness.
Anyway, I mention this because today's Wreck is so hilariously horrendous that I may have to lapse into German to adequately describe it.
Gross unpassendfliegendFekalie-Kuchen! Taschenrechner!! WoIST die Toiletin? Fahrvergnügen? Ich bin ein Berliner!Schnell!Schnell!
Ahem. Well, I think that gets the point across.
It should be noted that the cake was supposed to read, "Germany, HEREwe come!" (Ah, those pesky, hilarity-inducing homonyms.)
Whether the cake was supposed to look like a baked poo souffle with a side of #2 nuggets, however, is anyone's guess. (Although I'm guessing "no.")
Note from john: Since I don't sprecht Deutsch, I don't know what half of you are saying. Please, no clever Germanic cussing. There's probably at least one German kid that reads this blog. Dunker Shane.
John and I like to watch those ghost shows on TV. You know, the ones with the frat boys bellowing challenges into empty rooms, and then running and screaming like little girls because "Something justtouched me, dude! I swear!" Yeah. Those ones.
We also like the ghost gadget guys, who get unreasonably excited measuring things I've never heard of, and spend a lot of time trying to convince us that a bit of static contains some other-worldly message, like "monkey nuts."
Anyway, I got to thinking: what if these shows did a bakery edition? Eh?
[spooky announcer voice] "This week, on Bakeries From Beyond!
"Our intrepid crew pays a visit to the most haunted bakery in the entire world. Has Jumpy Jen and her crew of ragtag Wrecktators bitten off more than they can chew? Or will they earn their just desserts in this poltergeist-packed patisserie?"
[squeaky voice] "Well, we definitely sense a presence in the walk-in fridge..."
"...and strange things happen to our cakes overnight."
"Plus, customers are always complaining that they feel like they're being watched."
Announcer: "Soon, the Wrecktators are making shocking discoveries of their own!"
"So first, the electrojiggahiemers were off the scale, and then we found THIS in our photos of the display counter. This could be the evidence of Wreckage after death we've been looking for!"
Frat Boy: "Hey, ghosties! I bet you couldn't pipe your way out of a paper bag! Yeah, and your bakery is ugly, too! You call this a window display?"
"Why don't you do something scary for once? Huh? In fact, I'm not going anywhere until you PROVE to me that...uh...
"Dude, what was that?"
Romina B., Mimi P., Andrea, Tim E., Nicole M., Jennifer H., & Bea V., dudes, I think something just touched me.
One of the best things about having such a high geek percentile among you readers is that I get to see some awesomely geeky wedding cakes. Just look at what a few of your fellow Wrecktators have sent in:
This is Wreckie Jasmine W's wedding cake., made by Jacque’s Fine European Pastries. Awesome. Plus, check out the teensy-tiny mushrooms, turtle, and goomba at the bottom!
Next we have Wreckie Tess F.'s wedding cake:
I love this style. The cake was made by Mermaid's Bakery, but Tess made the topper herself. Wowza - great job, Tess!
Then there's Ryan I.'s grooms cake, which his wife surprised him with on the big day:
Made by Sweet Nothings (as was the awesome wedding cake in the background).
And lastly, Amy H. surprised her hubby with this for their Las Vegas wedding:
Sorry to dedicate a whole post to mundane site news, guys, but we've been fiddling with our RSS feed and I know that has a lot of you concerned.
As I noted on yesterday's post, we pulled the full feed in an attempt to thwart evil thieving spam bloggers. However, over the past day or two we've had the benefit of talking to some Very Smart People who've shown us alternate ways to foil scrapers. (See? We even learned what "scrapers" are. Told you they were smart.)
Therefore, and here's the part you want to hear: we are restoring the full feed tomorrow.
Who loves ya? Huh? Huh? That's right: we do.
(Well, except for those sourpusses who started the name-calling and excessive nastiness the second we touched the feed. Can't say we love them. Nope. In fact, those guys - just being honest here - kinda suck. Fortunately, most of you are NOT those guys - so thanks for that.)
Did you know that 89.3% of New Year's resolution diets FAIL in just 3 weeks?
Well, that's probably because I made that stat up. (FACT: 63.4% of statistics are made up on the spot.)
I'm pretty sure most diets do fail, though, on account of their requiring you to eat significantly smaller portions of cake - and, let's face it, that's a trade-off no one wants to make.
Still, for you foolhardy few trudging on in blatant defiance of Mother Nature, your genetics, and the Baskin Robbins large chocolate Oreo shake, here are some motivational visuals sure to make you lose your appetite, if not that spare tire.
Imagine semi-congealed cement. With a chaser of pond scum. And a dead, flattened snake.
Now, imagine washing that all down with a niiice, cold glass of milk.
Feeling motivated yet?
I bet this cake would taste really wet. And Reddi-Whip-ee. And...silk flowery.
This next one has a dual purpose: it will make you want to avoid cake and a career in proctology.
I have no words. And, frankly, the only thing that could follow this up would be...well, this:
RSS Feed Update: Due to excessive internet thievery (boo, spam blogs!) I've finally had to pull the plug on our full RSS feed. We're still tinkering and experimenting with options, though, so please bear with us!
Assuming "terror" is another word for cake, of course.
Which, at least with these cakes, I'm pretty sure it is.
Sure, this may look like a fuzzy potato wearing a Skeletor mask and a literal banana hammock, but I think it's supposed to be a monkey. (Yes, a monkey.) Which kinda makes Shara's Curious George Wreck look positively cuddly by comparison, huh?
Still, it could've been worse. That banana hammock could have been made with these:
Peeling Lucky, punk?
Well, I wouldn't advise it; Lucky here has one nasty split personality. (She gets it from hanging out with a bunch of sour grapes.)
Hey bakers, do you have too many customers? Is the constant stream of business interfering with your "me time"? Tired of making all those cakes? No problem!! Now you can scare those paying customers off with THE FACE OF PURE EVIL™!
"I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE. (OH, AND TRY THE ECLAIRS. THEY'RE DELISH.)"
Alice, Baily A., & Liz B., these Wrecks aren't boaring you, are they?
A Cake Wreck is any cake that is unintentionally sad, silly, creepy, inappropriate - you name it. A Wreck is not necessarily a poorly-made cake; it's simply one I find funny, for any of a number of reasons. Anyone who has ever smeared frosting on a baked good has made a Wreck at one time or another, so I'm not here to vilify decorators: Cake Wrecks is just about finding the funny in unexpected, sugar-filled places.
Now, don't you have a photo you want to send me? ;)
We don’t have any copies of Cake Wrecks for sale here, autographed or otherwise. We decided the shipping and handling costs would be too high to make it worth your while. So instead, buy your copies locally or online and then order personalized bookplates: it’s cheaper, easier, and I think even looks a bit nicer.
Payments must be made through Paypal, which accepts all major credit cards. Sorry, but that means no checks or MOs or barter-based chickens.
We ship everything first class USPS, and will do our best to have your package in the mail within 2 days of your order.