Monday, September 6, 2010

The Magical Story of Labor Day

Monday, September 6, 2010

Ah, Labor Day. A day when we celebrate labor and all of its laborious labors.

And who among us hasn't labored over laborious labors at some point in our labors? Heck, you may be laboring right now! You might even be IN labor! And that's the labor regarding which I have begun to labor over this post. Laboriously. And from a guy's point of view.*

(*Bearing in mind that, since I AM a guy, I've never had to bear children myself - laboriously or otherwise.)

So it all starts innocently enough. There you are, minding your own business with your nicely chiseled six-pack...

...when BLAM!, some dude comes along and gets all up in your business!

Okay, that came out wrong.

The point is: you're pregnant. And now your belly looks like this:


Which kind of reminds me of this plumber I once knew...


Or, if you're of the clothing persuasion, like this:

Because pregnant ladies like to carry baby gherkins in their underwear.
You know, weird cravings and all that.


Anyway, a couple of weeks later the kid wants out:

In the worst way.

And NOW you're ready to labor laboriously. Which you might think would look like this:

"Aw! Just lookit that teensy tiny baby! I bet that didn't hurt a bit!"

Yeeeeah... no.

In reality, it tends to look more like this:

Only, you know, more goopiness, screaming, nudity, and the doctor's skin under your fingernails. Really, it's kinda like a SAW movie, except you can't sleep afterward because there's an unfamiliar person screeching in your room, as opposed to just in your nightmares.

And then, after all that hard labor, you have a beautiful baby:

Who may or may not kill you in your sleep.

I mean, probably not, but there's really no guarantee.

So anyway, good luck with that, and happy Labor Day!


Meredith, Stephanie A., Anony M., Gina R., Stephen, Ginn, & Julie W., may your labors never be in vain. Or in cake, for that matter.
WifeOfSeth said...

I can honestly say that these are the most horrific cakes I've seen on here. But to me, any body, birth, or baby cake is generally creepy.

Dznyjenn said...

In number 4, are those little black squiggly lines supposed to be stretch marks?? In addition to the horror that is already that cake, they felt the need to include stretch marks?? Jerks.

The Boob Nazi said...

That last baby is SO scary.

Christy said...

OMG, I just laughed so hard I almost went into labor! And I'm not even pregnant!

Amanda said...

Hahahahahaha!
As someone who doesn't have and never wants kids, I agree with and fully enjoyed this post. Also, yeah, that last cake will give me nightmares...

wv: laugha -- It'sa me, Mario! I'ma laugha ata this post! :D

kayk said...

Connor's cake was almost a respectable way to do a pregrant-belly cake -- nice flowers, too. Then they had to go and add the tiny figurine....

WV: deferven: It is deferven wish of the oublic that decorators stop making scary pregant-belly cakes.

morriganscrow said...

Thank you John so much for the flashbacks! I can't tell you just how much I appreciate your thoughtfulness! *stomps off, flailing arms, muttering about psychiatrists, PTSD and drugs*

Keeley said...

What's with that last one--the baby looks like it is crawling out of a drum, with its feet where its hands should be. Yikes! I wouldn't sleep in the same room with that, or eat it either.

And the pancaked Casper the Ghost giving birth?? Is that supposed to be a person?

JelliDonut said...

Will show this to my teenage daughter. If this isn't effective birth control, I don't know what is. Gahhhhh!

Anonymous said...

If I laugh any harder, I'll be laboring too hard, thus negating the point of having work off on Labor Day. Must...stop...reading! :D

Wendy said...

Ahhh, the little blessings of infertility. I'm gonna squeeze my adopted kids a little tighter today.

Renee said...

oh man that was just too funny!

It is just so hard to believe that there are so many wrecks out there.

Stephanie G. said...

omg! This post needs a warning! hahahahahaahahahahaaha

Anonymous said...

WTF?!where are people getting their cake ideas from

Nimras said...

In my defense, I did not know it was Labor Day when I was born on Labor Day. *grin*

If I knew then what I know now, I'd totally have tried to wait until Tuesday.

NYCGirl said...

Boy, I wish I had grill marks on MY stomach like lady #1. (Shakes head sadly.)

Word verification: catump, which is the arbiter in a feline baseball game.

Rebecca said...

I liked the "Welcome Connor" cake at first glance. At my second glance I still liked it if I held my hand over the place on the screen where the toy was. :P

Anonymous said...

Psycho-baby got me...lol too funny, thanks for the giggles this morning.

Reverend Ref + said...

I'm with JelliDonut -- This is one of the best forms of birth control I've ever seen.

Kathryn said...

I'm pregnant....and this is going to give me all sorts of nightmares... And concerns about the kind of cake that may be awaiting me at upcoming baby showers!

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or did the cake with the arms and legs sticking out give y'all Alien® flashbacks?

Drawn to Caricature said...

OK, Am I the only person who thought of "Alien" when reading this post!
Nope, there's one just at the end there! Phew!

PS There may be a whole lot more of us by the time this get's posted. But, so far, there's only 1!

Sylph said...

love it! though as a pregnant reader, I had to wonder if all these blog-induced belly-laughs are "safe". I guess they'd better be, because I can't stop reading!!

Katie said...

Oh my...this are the most horrific baby shower cakes ever!

A Paperback Writer said...

Wait: picture #4, the one with the doll parts: it's from Breaking Dawn, isn't it??? It needs more blood, though...

Kamayeth said...

Way to "belabor" the point, John! ;)

M. Muenich said...

Being in my second trimester, I found that censored cake to be positively the most horrifying sight of my pregnancy. And maybe my life.
Now all I have left to do is pray that my showers will be cake-less. Which is one of the saddest things I've ever wished for.

Lis said...

As someone without kids, and still debating whether to have or adopt them, this post is a definite "Check" in the "Pro" column for Adoption! LOL

wv: degam - Degam wreckerators are at it again!

crydwynn said...

HILARIOUS!! And frightening...oh so very frightening.

NiteNurse said...

Gotta say I'm longing for a link to the black boxed cake in all it's naked glory. I understand that we're staying more family friendly here but I'm curious.

Gina said...

Holy. Crap.

Tarri said...

Now in cake number 5 is that supposed to be a blanket draped over the pregnant woman. Please tell me it's a blanket and not some hideous 'oh no my skin is peeling off in large sheets' side effect of pregnancy?
And if it is a blanket, where does one get these oddly anatomically shaped blankets?

imagaine if babies where born that small ...

Ladybug914 said...

All I can say is that I am sooooooooooooo thankful the hosts of my baby shower went with a basic grocery store bakery cake decorated with a Winnie the Pooh scene, complete with plastic characters stuck on top of it...

Anonymous said...

I am soooooooooo glad that when I had my children NO ONE dared to make cakes like those shown on here....These make me want to NOT eat cake again! Especially seeing the one with the baby coming out of the person that was covered....seriously?!?!? Who would want that at a baby shower? LOL!

etiquette bitch said...

I'm with WifeOSeth -- creepiest ever. Who thought making any of these was a good idea?

CW3: a cross-dresser who was just, uh, "excited" to see you? seriously....

and CW4: a snowwoman giving birth?

I long for the days when nudity and pregnant bellies were shameful, and we all just celebrated with sheet cakes. Nice, easy, plain, square sheet cakes.

Hanna said...

I don't understand the 4th one, but it scares me.

shopannies said...

oh my what a post LOL I loved it . In 2008 my daughter did go through labor on labor day for 20+ hours delivering a nearly 10 lb baby so maybe that is why I loved reading this post

Denita said...

I'm pregnant, second trimester (When's your due date, M. Muenster?) and have had at least one freaky pregnancy dream a night since the middle of my first trimester. These cakes...sure as heck aren't gonna help that! ._o

WV: ferst, as in "Won't be my ferst cake-related nightmare, probably won't be my last either..."

GS said...

Besides the obvious weirdness of these cakes, I have to ask, WHY???

Why would anyone think that at a baby shower, it might be a pleasant thing to take a big knife and cut into a pregnant belly??? Dear God that's disturbing.

Becky said...

It might kill you in your sleep... IF it had hands. And a torso.

Bree said...

Cakes 3 and 5 would have been so much lovelier without the belly button penis and the tiny baby, respectively.

It's a good thing I chose not to have children. I shudder to think at what monstrosity someone may have come up with for my shower!

Sally said...

Your site severely makes me laugh out loud. I think I particularly enjoy it because I've made a wreck or two myself. I love it! Keep em coming.

Ms. Sullivan said...

Funny - after my 9 hours of labor - the next day (or same day) was when my mother introduced me to Cake Wrecks, the book. I was laughing so hard that it hurt "down there." I finally had to stop reading because I was in pain!

Anonymous said...

Sooo, whatever happened to sweet baby cakes with alphabet blocks, baby booties or rattles?

Heaven help me, but if I was still having kids I'd ban any cakes from a shower/birth/whatever!

~~Di

Anonymous said...

The censored cake must have been pretty graphic, judging by what's peeking around the edges of the black bar. So what's up with the Mr. Bill facial features? I gave birth twice and I can say from experience that a falsetto "Oh Noooooooooooooo!" doesn't really sum things up.

Candace said...

This has to be one of the scariest posts I've ever seen on here... and not just because I'm a single girl and the idea of pregnancy and labor currently freaks me out.

But seriously... I couldn't wait to get on cake wrecks today to see what "Labor Day" would wrought... and you did not disappoint. Great post. :)

Melinda said...

I also have to wonder if there's a link to the real version of that black bar cake.

Kimberly Chapman said...

The random limbs shoved into the belly are too funny. I can only hope that was meant to be funny.

When I was pregnant my daughter kept trying to push herself out the side. Others could see the lump moving from across the room. My RPG buddies started pointing to it and calling, "SHARK!"

To Drawn to Caricature: no, no you are not the only one who thought "Alien". But I'm the kind of person who deliberately makes Alien in cake, so I thought I was the only one. :D

tiny purple elephant said...

Gross and ew!!!!!

What ever happened to teddy bears or duckys or even regular pink or blue sprinkles.

Holly said...

@Tarri: I think it's supposed to be a dress?

Anonymous said...

What's the point of posting a wreck if you're just going to censor it?

Simone said...

I'm (perversely?) curious about the censored cake...I mean if they thought a big, circular completely white blobby pastry person was a good representation of a woman, what have they done to represent the...erm...*unseen* areas?

Wow, if you'd told me 10 minutes ago that I would have been curious about the private parts of a cake...

Anonymous said...

LISHT DOM WY CAP NEB GRUF

Craig said...

It's the WTF-TV Labor Day special!

#1 Ok, so I'm not the first to see grill marks. But does it appear to anyone else that this poor 'woman' has been twisted 180 degrees? Or else she has a back rack...

#3 That kid *really* wants out! Was the mother a crew member of the Nostromo?

#4 Speaking of wanting out... And what's the chest loop for?

#5 "This cake is especially popular with first-time mothers. We call it, 'Wishful Thinking'."

#6 Mother of pearl! Looks like Pearl is on the way out, too. I would have blacked out the whole thing. I never thought (and hope never to again) that snowwomen a.) have babies and b.) are so anatomically correct when doing so. Almost makes one envy people who have amnesia.

#7 "You will feed me now... You cannot look away... You are totally under my power..." Oh wait -- that's reality. I guess this one is accurate, then. Still, there's something not quite right... Is the mother's name Rosemary? Just a hunch.

Gotta agree with the labels. 'Questionable taste' -- much?! Not on CW's part -- you guys are just reporting -- but on the part of anyone involved in producing these.

Terrrs-uh said...

i'm starting to think the day i have a baby shower i will just do little pastel cupcakes with little daisies on them. nothing should go wrong there right? HA!

WV: blediv- there was blediv everywhere once the baby came out, sorry saps that gave birth to it.

Danielle said...

Okay wreckerators...NOBODY finds that GIANT pregnant-belly-button attractive OR appetizing. Why emphasize that? (although admittedly that is the least of the problems with these cakes)
I just want to know what the customer says when he/she shows up at the bakery and is presented with CW6. Laugh? Cry? Run away in shame and embarrassment? And further more, the wreckerator who had the piping tube of black frosting in his/her hands...what was going through the brain?

gsv said...

I logged on to Facebook today to find a link to your amusingly clever blog from my aunt. I'm hooked. (My blog is still birthing its personality where yours is fully emerged and gaining life with every entry!) I shall return. And, good gravy, but those CAKES!

alison said...

Um, I know... there aren't many cakes about worker rights, trade unions, better wages etc., but Labor Day isn't about giving birth, at all.

... not that I'm trying to detract from the cakey disasters on your page. They are pretty amazing in their birth-giving horror. BUT Labor Day representatives, they are not.

Plum said...

The "Welcome Connor" one looks great! Took me a couple glances to notice the tiny baby peeking out the gina though.

I am so making a cake with baby limbs sticking out as soon as I have the opportunity.

Koli said...

why WHY *WHY* do you do this to us?!

Anonymous said...

I actually know a woman who's in labor today.

Yes, I know someone who's in labor on Labor Day... XD

Rose said...

There should have been a disclaimer at the top of this post! I'm 38 wks preggo and have already been in false labor once - give me a break here!

Wolvie Girl said...

Mrs Staypuft looks like she's been squashed by a truck. I usually see cane toads on the roads that look a whole heap like that. Mmmmm pregnant roadkill cake with disturbing chocolate sprinkles. Just what every girl needs to help her over her morning sickness. And is it wrong that I really want to see what her nipples look like? I suspect marshmallows :D

Arlene said...

Oh those last two cakes have turned me off of having kids.. at least for now lol. Especially ones that look possessed. And that naked gingerbread looking.. thing in labor really turned me off of gingerbread too lol. Scary that the only cake I thought looked ok was the first pic. Abs are better than possessed babies or gherkins under dresses!

Goof said...

Expecting my 4th baby around the beginning of Oct. I'm glad I'm not having a baby shower, especially with any cakes like these haha.

Maru said...

Second to last cake reminds me of Mr. Bill's mother. OH NOOOOO!

shikishinobi said...

Being a male, I share in your understanding of not needing to worry about baring kids.
However, having been present at a pregnancy, these cakes are miles from truth... except perhaps the one with the black cards. Point being, there is no cake that can accurately replicate childbirth, and people should stop using 'Aliens' as an accurate description.

nazani said...

I wish you'd chosen cakes that actually reflect the true reason for Labor Day. Or have our corporate overlords finally erased the memory of Joe Hill?
Surely there must be cakes out there celebrating the ordinary working stiff.

bethasd said...

Seriously, the worst ones EVER!

Sharon said...

Childbirth, and poo pets,
They're all Cake Wrecks.
Babies get cut down to size,
and cupcakes have a gross surprise.

Now I can't get it out of my head,
No, I can't get it out of my head....thanks to John!

Sharon's Edible Art

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Alison and Nazani,

Sadly, there aren't a whole lot of cakes celebrating the working stiff or the trade unions or with big, silly misspellings of "who from rude nature have delved and carved all the grandeur we behold."

Labor day has been reduced to a day off signifying nothing more than the end of summer and the beginning of football. Besides, who labors harder that mothers?

Not to belabor the point...

BTW, Kamayeth, I laughed so hard at that.

Wreck On!

john

Suzyhomemaker said...

holy crap.

Karma Chameleon said...

"alison said...

Labor Day isn't about giving birth, at all..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seriously? Thanks for laboriously pointing that out, Captain Obvious.

Juno said...

My mother, an OBGYN, has taken your, "It's like a Saw movie" comment and posted it in her office and in Labor and Delivery. Because as she said after she stopped laughing, "That's exactly right! It IS like a Saw movie"! ...I think I'll adopt.

Kelly said...

So was cake #3 made for the baby shower for the pregnant man? I'm just sayin'...

ladycrim said...

That first cake looks like the poor lady's ribs have migrated to her abdomen.

Daisy said...

The last caption on the scary baby just sent this post over the top! Takes me back to my own 11-hour labor...the epidural...the pushing...the slimy bundle staring at me with open eyes, sucking its thumb as it was plopped on my belly...ah, good times...

The Other Mary said...

Dang it!!! I should have checked your site yesterday, maybe the horror would have got my labor going (I'm ten days late :( ...)

Wendy said...

I was recently asked to make one of these "belly" cakes for a shower, and I flat out said no. When asked why, I did not even consider using scheduling conflicts or something like that as an excuse, I just said "because I think they are creepy and I refuse to make one."

Also, maybe cake #4 was meant to be a tribute/Wreck replica of this one??
http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2009/01/why-suzy-needs-therapy.html

Anonymous said...

Well, this shine a whole new light on Labor Day for me. Sadly I won't be able to forget them. I agree body, birth or baby cakes are slightly on the creepy side.

Anonymous said...

those are scary. since when does a preggo stomach pitch a tent??? what kind of woman is this?

and the baby coming out, all four legs! yikes! something from a Ridley Scott movie....

and the birthing ones....just...too...gross!

Bernard said...

Thank you for terrifying me of the following things:
Child birth
Children in general
Pregnant women
Birthday parties
Baby Showers
and Cake in general

Your site is hilarious! I'm tempted to link it to my blog of epic workplace fails :)

http://www.underdogdirectory.com/blunderdogs-epic-fail.html

kmawesome said...

i totally agree that as scary as it is i want to see what was censored with those black lines on that cake.
if i have any more kids, part of me would want the cake with the limbs sticking out the belly just because it is so rediculous.....but it would be creepy too...kind of like the censored cake.

Single Dad Laughing said...

Haha, I so love the arms and legs sticking out of the cake.

Single Dad Laughing

Alison's Book Marks said...

Here's the thing that cracks me up every time: People are going to slice into these cakes and consume them!

Connie said...

Some of us weird grown ups would like to see the horrors under the black box!

scyllacat said...

I just have to add my name to the list of Slain by Lulz. I started laughing at the woman who was tanned on the George Foreman grill and just laughed the harder with every sentence and every picture.

I wasn't sure about the stretch marks, until I saw the linea nigra and now... yeah, I still have no frakking clue.

wv: galsesto: This galsesto stop scaring me with these cakes!

Anonymous said...

PMSL seriously... Thinking about giving birth four months ago- It was kinda SAW-esq. Totally made my day!

Christy said...

Oh MY Word!! Thank you so much for the laugh!!!! You all crack me up! Your blog is so hilarious;)

Candice said...

Funny story about CW #4...that was actually MY baby shower cake that was made to resemble some of the wrecks you've shown us on your blog. Those who attended this shower are big fans of the website and decided to give me my very own, very horrific cake wreck. Yes, the black lines are stretch marks and the "C" necklace resembles the one I have of my baby girl's name.

The gal who graced me with this cake is actually very good at what she does seeing as how I was still devouring it a week later.

I'm glad the cake showed up here, I just wanted to clear things up. We don't often cut into belly-shaped cakes.

Again, my friends and I are big fans who still walk through grocery store bakeries and find wrecks of our own.

Keep up the good work!

Jade said...

I have seen 3 saw movies and had 3 babies..
I am SO glad that they weren't even CLOSE to similar!!!
I stayed the hell away from OBs and hospitals, THAT is why!

Seriously, who has ribs that far down their 'tummy'. :/

lintilla said...

My mom was in labor with me over the entirety of Labor Day. The nurses thought this was hilarious. Mom didn't really agree...

The Whiz Kid Forte said...

The naked preggo cake reminds me of the one where a black woman gives labor in an obscene way!

Kenri said...

Brilliant. I literally laughed out loud.

Karen K said...

As it happens, I myself am in labor at this moment, and thought I would distract myself by catching up on some lovely wreckiness... And then I get to these monstrosities. I'm sure these cakes are scary to anyone, in any state - but I'm really horrified now. Thanks for the laugh!

Madeline said...

Ewwwww... but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA P.S I am a 9-year old so don't send me the unmodified version