Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Crocker & Hines

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Have you been the victim of an accident?



Does your child suffer from a trauma induced by a care-giver?



Was your wedding day ruined as a result of negligence?


If the answer is yes, then don't wait another minute. Pick up the phone and call the professionals: Crocker & Hines.

Here at Crocker & Hines we specialize in slip-and-falls,


separations,

And all other cake catastrophe claims.

So whether you've been the victim of a simple fracture...


Or major structural malpractice...

...call Crocker & Hines today.


Crocker & Hines: We make Big Cake pay. Guaranteed.


Jessy A., Maria G., Jessica R., Katie M., Margaret B., Anony M., & David P., good news: I hear they also handle torte law!
Bakingdom said...

As a former cake decorator, I can say with authority that there is nothing worse than dropping the cake that you just worked so hard on (especially when you are on a tight schedule with many, many more orders to fill)! But I would never dream of actually sending a customer away with it!!!

Amelia and Justin said...

Hahahaha. My sister's wedding cake was definitely a case for Croker and Hines. It was falling over before they could even get pictures of it.

French Bean & Coffee Bean said...

I can't wait to see the 1-800 commercial appear on TV, complete with gray business suits.

-French Bean

Anonymous said...

Wow, I'm glad I never had a cake catastrophe.. looks like #3 is a bit deflated.... this post reminds me of the horrible scottish wedding cake post.

Anonymous said...

Such an amazing opportunity for more f ups. This site continues to fascinate me - I can't stop checking in every morning. Love all those funny people out there with their comments. Jen and John seem to bring out the best in them. People aren't nearly so funny where I live. Norine

SuBee said...

Cake Number 3:
Salvador Dali's "The Persistence of Cake."

Anonymous said...

thstakiSuch an amazing opportunity for more f ups. This site continues to fascinate me - I can't stop checking in every morning. Love all those funny people out there with their comments. Jen and John seem to bring out the best in them. People aren't nearly so funny where I live. Norine

The Boob Nazi said...

That first wedding cake made me want to cry just thinking of the poor bride who had to deal with it.

Let Them Eat Cake said...

torte law - Groan!

jo said...

brilliant commercial! and torte claims? LOL

tarichuck said...

That is by far the best "law firm" ad I have ever seen!

Classic Steve said...

No viewer in the world would disagree with the label of "wreck" for these cakes. What a shame; I bet several looked pretty good before something happened to them.

Lizabeth said...

Are you sure number 4 is a cake? That top layer appears to be made largely from some sort of blue fluff.

Jenniffer said...

Is that number 1-800-BAD-CAKE ??

Julie said...

Torte law--omg that's the worst groaner I have heard in a LONG time.

WV: dagicsqu--a name that will NEVER be spelled correctly on a professional cake!

Anonymous said...

I once dropped a freshly out of the oven chocolate carrot cake smack onto tile floor. it wasn't pretty.
thank goodness I had time to make another one and ice it before having to serve it!
KathyT

Anonymous said...

As a teen (1980's) my spouse was half of delivery team for a bakery. One hotter-than-Hades August Saturday morning they tried to deliver a huge wedding cake, but the reception hall was locked up tight. They made their other delivery then returned to find the reception beginning. Naturally, the cake disembowled itself in the middle of the room. They called the bakery & by the time they got back a new cake was waiting. This one survived they trek & the team recieved a standing ovation from the guests.

Trevor said...

Totally off topic here, but I thought of you guys this morning. They had a thing on the radio asking "Is it okay to give a cake to your daughter for her first period?" OMG. All I could think about was you guys.

Jade said...

That fourth pic looks less like a slip-and-fall and more of an assault case, as in someone sticking their face into it and biting off as much as they could. Oh, the horror...

WV: missoov, as in "I'm sure a nice piece of cake would missoov everyone's feelings right now." :)

flying gargoyle said...

Can we be expecting Big Cake to foul our shorelines with an unexpected, wildcat ganache blowout in the near future? Oh, the humanity!

llama,llama not yo mama said...

The correct term for a "cake catastrophe" is "caketastrophe". :-D

Not that I know ANYTHING about those. ;-)

WV: Copes - What one does after any caketastrophe

rhonda said...

What a shame, some of those looked really good. Love the geometric mad hatter looking one. I'm so glad you didn't post this a couple of weeks back. I just made my first wedding cake and I was scared stiff that I'd drop it or it would collapse or something else horrible would happen. Thankfully it all got there and stacked up neatly and was very well received. No wrecks here thankyouverymuch!

Renee L. said...

Torte law. That's... Amazing. :-D

mizdarlin said...

That second cake, the 'melting' wedding cake, is a 'Miss Haversham' spooky special..enough to make a bride or groom run screaming from the reception..LMAO...

ladycrim said...

Oh man, those poor bridal couples!

Also, now I want to (intentionally) make a Salvador Dali cake.

Sharon said...

Delivery guy:
"Did someone here order a Drop Cake?"

Sharon's Edible Art

Republic Monetary Exchange said...

Wow, that first wedding cake looked like some sort of demented monster with pearls for teeth! That poor bride must have FREAKED out!

Anonymous said...

How could you NOT make the torte law joke?

Well played, Jen. Well played.

Sharon said...

Trevor:
The answer is: Yes! There is a cake for every occasion. The perfect one for that is under "Wreck Spotting" that John posted earlier this year. The tres leches cake.

Sharon's Edible Art

J. R. W. said...

Reminds me of one of my aunts' wedding cakes. They had the wedding in a heatwave, and the AC crapped out. Needless to say, the thing looked like the Tower of Pisa.

And, in retrospect, the stability of the cake should have foretold the stability of the marriage.

Siouxzr said...

Cake #1 looks like it had a moisture problem -- I recognize the mud slide effect from when I was living in L.A. But Cake #3 -- what happened there? It reminds me of the turkey in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation. One little nick and it collapses.

Cake # 4 was beautiful once -- there is a woman in the background holding a stick or a chair leg. I hope she wasn't out for vengence.

Anonymous said...

At first I thought you were posting partially eaten/cut-up cakes, as that is what the first one looks like. Was that really how it was presented? Looks like they tried to fix it with the server and napkins--guess that didn't work!

Did this remind anyone of the Cake Boss episode were the two guys drop the giant cake down the stairs of the bakery? At least they were able to redo it before they made it to the delivery spot...

WV: flatipse--you hope the cakes will remain flat, but then oops, they go tipse!

Rebecca said...

Definitely contacting Crocker & Hines for my next caketastrophy!

The Black Dog said...

Careful, if you get a settlement they will pay you in sprinkles!

Evalis said...

anyone else look at #3 and think it looked like a ghostbusters cake?

Or am i the only one who looks at it and sees melted marshmallow man remnants?

Anonymous said...

@SuBee Brilliant! :)

Tinu said...

Okay, so as a non-native english speaker and longtime dedicated follower of Jens every joke, I desperately need to know what's so funny about "torte law". It's probably something obvious that I'm just not getting.


And also, what's up with everyone's "wv: random word creation" on here? I could swear that you probably get asked this on every post, but to my surprise I couldn'd find any answers to this.

margriet said...

I think it is every cake artists worst nightmare to have a cake collapse or drop or tip over. Support, Support, Support! My biggest agony is the delivery to the hall....ask my husband..I am a total WRECK by the time we get it there.

Jennifer said...

Love the legal theme.

Nevadamtnbear said...

Bwahahah!

As for torte law, I'm laughing so hard here. I remember my 1L "Torts" class, I was like "WTF is 'torts'? Isn't that a dessert? And why the heck am I learning about desserts in law school." I figured, what the heck, can't be too bad though if it's about dessert. Imagine my disappointment when the class wasn't at all about desserts.

Molly Malone said...

Those might be the saddest cakes I have ever seen...

essbee said...

SuBee - I kiss you! That was awesome.

Horrifying wreckage, as ever. And "torte reform"...snort!

WV: reducc - That cake would reducc any bride to tears.

Smendrick said...

On our wedding day, the baker made 2 cakes for different occasions and frosted them backwards. We got a white cake instead of a carrot cake, and we had chosen a very heavy topper. It fell off and broke in pieces. Luckily, my sister-in-law arranges flowers well, so she grabbed some and made a new topper for us. It all looked great, but it wasn't what we had planned. In our staged photographs, the topper is on the cake, but when we actually cut it, it has flowers.

Anonymous said...

Sadly there is not much to say besides the fact that... that... nope I still got nothing. Wait! This is truly a Wrecky day. I mean look at then on their side, deflated, a bite taken from them, or the dreadful Cakequakes. Its a nightmare

T said...

every single one of those makes me feel much better about my first attempt at a topsy turvy cake... thank you Crocker... or Hines... whichever.

Diana said...

Crocker and Hines doesn't fix the cakes. They go out and "take care" of the baker.

Anonymous said...

Yeesh! I once had a wedding cake split in the car during the delivery trip (it had a swathe of 125 royal icing roses draped down the side, and it just pulled apart) - but I FIXED it before I left, and I even got comments later about how "beautiful" it was!

Merry at Annie's Book Stop

wv: injurb

Was anyone injurb-ed in the cake disasters?

kristina said...

Tinu: I can't answer the "torte law" question, as I'm not quite getting it either...
but the wv: is the word verification we have to put in in order to post. They are usually random letters, but sometimes people try to say them, and make up a definition for them.

Hope this helps!

tiny purple elephant said...

every decorators nightmare....

mandi said...

Am I the only one who recognized the "Ghostbusters" line in the commentary?

"If the answer is yes, then don't wait another minute..."

<---geek

seryan said...

Ouch! These are awful! I hope they got refunds at the least!

Tinu and kristina: A 'torte' is a type of cake, and 'tort law' refers to a type of lawsuit, usually having to do with someone else's negligence, I believe. The 'e' in 'torte' is silent, so they're pronounced the same. Hope that helps!

Tricia L said...

To share my oft repeated question:

And what did the truck look like after the train hit it?



wv: anizinem
which will undoubtedly become the name of some new miracle drug that you can't pronounce

y said...

I really wish you could/would post the names of the bakeries so that others could avoid the same fate! And if I was the bride of #3, I'd have shoved a piece in the bakers face, not the groom's, AFTER I got my money back!

Single Dad Laughing said...

Haha. I've had to carry TWO wedding cakes now, and both times were probably the most anxious terrifying times of my entire life!

Single Dad Laughing

ladyrazorsharp said...

"Crocker and Hines got me 2.1 million (sprinkles)!" (old commercial from this guy: http://www.larryhparker.com/)

The wedding cake 'cases' make me hyperventilate. Ugh, what disasters.

Tinu said...

thanks a lot seryan and kristina!

Marnie said...

Jen, you make me laugh! It is disturbing the loud cackle I've developed while reading your posts. "Torte law" :-) This is why I read CW daily!

A Girl In Her Kitchen said...

When my husband talks of tort reform it makes me hungry.

http://agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com

craftinqueen said...

And to throw a little filling (instead of gasoline) in the mix...
Tort is also the action of cutting a cake into thin layers in order to add fillings.

To tort or not to tort.... THAT's the question!

Anonymous said...

As a lawyer's wife and having had a few law classes myself, I'm am ROFLPMP at your 'torte' law!!

I also am cringing for the poor recipients of these varied cake squooshes.

We attended an outdoor wedding wich featured a very tall, spindly cake, that decided to topple in the very light wind. Can we say lack of support?

~~Di

Len said...

It's so unfortunate that #4 and #7 actually could've been un-wrecky cakes if it wasn't because of their injuries.

The rest of them I believe got luckier as they could apologize saying "Well it was an ugly cake already so not much was lost"

shlownc.- jewish interjection on the sight of a cakewreck.

michiganexpats.com said...

I'm not a professional baker, but I have made cakes that have melted due to heat. So sad, but so funny!

flarglepuf said...

They made people PAY for those?!

Pat said...

One of the funniest commentaries ever!!! Couldn't y'all make a video for a commercial (1-800-CWRECKS????

Anonymous said...

some of those certainly are sue worthy

Beth said...

A couple of these remind me of that line from Disney's Sleeping Beauty. "Of course, it will be much stiffer after it's baked!"

Anonymous said...

Yeah, as I was reading the post I was hearing it in my head with the voices of the Ghostbusters! Remember the commercial they made for their business?

Arlene said...

I am laughing so hard I can't breathe.. Cake and Hines lol..I would wonder if the people that dropped off those cakes actually ran off like a flash once they saw how ruined they were. I know I would be pretty mad if I ordered a beautiful cake and then came.. those. Doom would follow.

BADKarma! said...

If you refer your friends and relatives, do they give you a Sunday Sweet deal?

WV: undst - I just don't undst-nd how some of these people get paid to make cakes...

Sandi said...

Even wittier than normal

CaseyK said...

Oh my goodness! I had to literally laugh out loud at this post, simply because I have a friend, J. Crocker, who just got married to a woman with the name of E. Hines!!! Their cakes were awesome (and tasty!) and I just couldn't help but giggle! Here are a couple pics, just because I'm still giggling!

Crocker is a serious Jeep fanatic;

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs302.ash2/58189_538565898237_77602119_31613365_2749444_n.jpg

And their wedding cake! (a slight wreck... just a bit, it's in the details really.)

http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs406.snc4/46954_538565578877_77602119_31613342_7799913_n.jpg

I just wanted to share :)

Craig said...

#1 Is that a black forest cake? If so, it looks like Malraux enjoyed it rather more than Sartre's first attempt.

#2 It's a CCC (patooie!). That's trauma enough for anyone.

#3 Is that seaweed?! @SuBee, that was a honey of a comment.

#4 Oh for a picture (better: video) of the faceplant that produced this result.

#5 This is probably not the kind of settlement clients of Crocker & Hines have in mind.

#6 I'm engaged, so this one just makes me shudder. Don't think I'll be telling my sweetheart about CW until *after* the wedding -- she's jumpy enough as it is.

#7 "I know I said I needed it 'right away', but I don't think the skid-turns were necessary."

Crocker & Hines might face competition from Baskin, Robbins & Carvel, but that firm specializes in frozen assets.

shikishinobi said...

Sue a wreckorater? I like that idea, considering some of the things I've seen on this site. How to make them pay for ruining your happy day. That should be a slogan for your team.

Technical guy said...

Wow Nice cakes

Anonymous said...

My word verification was cough (really!). Ahem, excuse me, gotta clear my throat *cough**cough*. Whoo boy! Where to begin...

Cake #1 looks like the bride shoved new hubby’s face right in it after she found out about him and her best friend. Perhaps someone took a couple fistfuls to start a food fight?

Even if Cake #2 hadn’t slid all over the place, it was still a CCC (haaaawk patooie) – doomed from the start. Was it supposed to be a seashell? Poor birthday girl.

Cake #3 seems like it’s still in a kitchen, so perhaps the bakery took a picture of their “oopsie” and sent a replacement. I’d really like to think that. Let’s go with that. I’m optimistic. It looked like it was a nice smooth cake, but still...what’s up with the lettuce/seaweed strips? LOL, I like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man reference!

Cake #4 is a just shame because it wasn’t wrecky before that.

Cake #5 – ugh. I’m not much for coconut cake anyway.

Cake #6 again, a simple, pretty cake, but oops. Was the tablecloth all “scrunchy” to offset the crack in the cake or did the cake slip and the tablecloth went with it?

Cake #7 looks like it was in a hot car too long. Why is there a dark green airbrushed square on the side of a blue & white cake (with yellow & pink accents)? Yuck.

Alyssa said...

Ha! After spending hours decorating my son's Lightning McQueen cake, I put it in the cold oven to keep the cats away until party time. Then I preheated the oven to cook a pizza and forgot the cake until I smelled the oh-so lovely aroma of melting plastic from my cake board. My twice-baked cake survived, albeit a little crunchy. ;)

Danika said...

Hahaha brilliant post!

~Nikki~ said...

awww that's so sad... i would def cry





check out my blog: www.nikkiscakery.com

Anonymous said...

Wow... I didn't know that Betty and Duncan started a law firm! Is the Pillsbury dough-boy their law clerk? LOL

KatyDid