Friday, August 20, 2010

The Roadkill Café

Friday, August 20, 2010

Here at the Roadkill Café we pride ourselves on serving only the freshest paved paté:


In fact, we have a complete menu! From our killer hors d'oeuvres:


To only the rarest of gently scraped meats!


For only $13.99, you'll have your choice of either Hummer-tenderized gator filet:


Or our Vespa-massaged armadillo, stuffed with the finest of pan-seared bumper frogs:



The kiddies will LOVE our just-in beaver sushi:



And don't forget dessert! You'll want to save room for our magically delicious Creamed Unicorn:

Taste the rainbow!


Anony M., Karen M., Cheryl G., Elizabeth C., Annie, & Lindsay, I'd say this menu is to-die-for.
teresacooks said...

the unicorn looks like it's oozing rainbow. . . eeew

Doresoom said...

Everyone knows unicorn blood is silver. Seriously, haven't they seen Harry Potter?

Sara said...

WHAT is going on with that unicorn cake? Seriously.

Anonymous said...

I was told that armadillos in Georgia are called 'possums on the half shell. Norine

Jayde said...

That unicorn just made my day. That rainbow blood is just priceless. Thanks Jen!

Tracy O said...

I was OK until I saw the unicorn... Oh dear god.
Tracy

Trevor said...

Someone HAD to have asked for that last one. Not that it makes it any better, but still.....

Anonymous said...

"Taste the Rainbow" - That's funny. I would love to hear the back story to these cakes.

Dawn Marie C said...

I just got the sushi pun - BAD JEN!

Amanda said...

That poor beaver looks like it is strapped to a table in preparation for some very unfortunate experimentation.

My mind went directly to the gutter and not to outer space for an explanation.

extragrunty said...

Love the unicorn.

Stephanie said...

I died at the unicorn. Heard they farted glitter--never knew they bled rainbows!

The Boob Nazi said...

What is under the unicorns!?

Jim Todd said...

What bothers me is that bakeries actually make "roadkill" cakes. What bothers me even more is that folks actually *order* them!

Meredith said...

LOVE the unicorn, but hate the cupcakes. The roadkill toppers aren't even handmade - they are jelly candies from Oriental Trading Company!!! http://www.orientaltrading.com/ui/search/processRequest.do?Ntt=road+kill&x=0&y=0&requestURI=searchMain&Ntk=all&Ntx=mode%2Bmatchallpartial&N=0

$6.99 for 26 pieces!

Tricia L said...

The little bear is just plain wrong, but the unicorn is sick. I just hope no children attended these events.

Love the armadillo, though.

T said...

I actually want to make those cupcakes for my dad's birthday - hey, there's a cake for everyone!

but that unicorn... slightly disturbing.

Meaghan said...

I think the beaver might be a wombat ...
Still awesome!

Amy said...

Hands-down, the unicorn cake is a classic. I love the oozy rainbow blood (Except I concur with Doresoom, unicorn blood is silver. Hello?).
ps There is a chain of resturants called The Roadkill Cafe. You haven't lived until you've had their Snippet of Whippet.

mycrazyhair said...

Okay, seriously, who could possibly have thought that ANY of those cakes was a good idea?

Anonymous said...

That beaver looks remarkably like a wombat...

Ricebubbles said...

Hilarious post as usual, but the beaver looks like a wombat XD (Aussie here :P)

Sandy C in SoFla said...

I soooo want the road-kill candy molds... those are great!

And the unicorn... priceless!

Thank you, Jen, for an awesome Fri am.

Studyaid said...

I'm just going to say, for as bad as many of the other wrecks you post are, these really aren't bad. That is considering the customer for whatever reason requested a roadkill cake, but that's another story entirely. Now, the sushi beaver is probably the worst of the bunch, but once again, the cakes deliver the required message, whatever that may be.

Katie said...

The roadkill cupcakes are kind of gross, but they're very well-made!

And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the unicorn! Best cake ever!

Amy G said...

Or our Vespa-massaged armadillo, stuffed with the finest of pan-seared bumper frogs

This very much reminded me of the brilliant Monty Python chocolate box sketch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dy6uLfermPU

Genius :)

Anonymous said...

What causes someone to request a cake like that unicorn? It's seriously disturbing.

Gary said...

Not wrecks.
These are actually good, assuming you want a roadkill cake (heh).
All except for the crocodile cupcake cake, and it's a CCC, so what do you expect?

I must say I've never seen a road-killed unicorn before, and I commend the creativity of whomever dreamed it up. The pool of rainbow-colored unicorn juice is a wonderful detail.

By the way, something's wrong with the "Word Verifiction" feature. No word shows up until I've tried a few times.

FedUpMom said...

I think the "beaver" is actually a wombat.

Flartus said...

"Mommy, why is that teddy bear tied to a giant bar of soap?"

I've got to say, my sick side loves the unicorn cake!

wv: viddles: a varmint you find flattened on the road

Miranda said...

DANG. That's farked up, man. I would not eat this stuff.

Anonymous said...

I know I'm completely sick, but I LOVE that unicorn cake. All I could think of with the other roadkill cakes, though, was "Must have made a huge bump as they drove over--didn't even flatten the critters!" Really, wouldn't they be flat? Instead they just looked like animals with random black stripes. I only figured out the roadkill angle because of the context of this post.

Megan said...

OMG these are awful. Some are really well made but they're so revolting. I would cry if I saw one of these at a party!!

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Gary,

A wreck can be anything Jen finds funny. Thus, some are well made. And besides, Doresoom is right about the silver blood.

:)

john

Brenda said...

O.M.G.

As my husband would say, "I bet there is a newsgroup for that."

A Paperback Writer said...

Boy, that armadillo must've caused one heck of a bump! And where's the beaver's tail??? Did it get squished off and used to decorate a second cake?
And the unicorn... well, ick. Just ick. The adjectives "appetizing" and "tasty" -- or even "tasteful" -- just don't apply here.

Caroline B said...

The unicorn cake is hilarious! A while back I had to read the story of Noah's Ark to a class of 6 year olds, supposedly part of their religious education. It ended up a heated discussion on why we don't see unicorns anymore - this cake would have settled the argument once and for all!

French Bean & Coffee Bean said...

Mm. Yum.

And it's almost lunchtime, too. :-P

-French Bean

Julie said...

I have to say I kind of like the alligator CCC! I guess you can make a decent dead flat alligator out of cupcakes, who'd have thought?

The unicorn is just disturbing tho.

emilysandlin said...

LOVE the rainbow blood on the unicorn cake! Nice detail/thought process, even for a wreck.

Donna said...

"Taste the Rainbow!" Does this mean we can throw skittles at people???

Seriously, though, an armadillo which has met the business end of a tire does not look like that...the shell needs to be cracked and oozing....Just sayin...

Anonymous said...

I really want to know who was ordering roadkill cakes and why. There has to be some good stories there. That dead unicorn is awesome.

Dani said...

What worried me is clearly people ordered these. Weird!

ladyrazorsharp said...

The rest are just silly, but the unicorn--that makes me want to cry.

Again, there's that saying--"Just because you CAN, doesn't mean you SHOULD." Something these wreckorators should have remembered!

Knit Wit said...

The perfection of the tire tracks on the unicorn cake is wonderful! Another vote for silver blood however.

I would find one of these cakes amusing at a party; I'm not sure I'd eat any but I'd sure be laughing at the looks on other people's faces. :-)

Nic said...

My 5 year old neice and I love these!

Anonymous said...

Charlieeeeeeeee......

Anonymous said...

Gruesome. Just wrong, wrong, wrong.

Anonymous said...

Awww, that unicorn cake broke my heart! What broken soul would use frosting for such a purpose?

Summersfam said...

Oh my gosh, I love the unicorn! Come on, rainbow blood? That is awesome!

Anonymous said...

Um. Beaver sushi. 'Nuff said. Love it!

Anonymous said...

The "beaver" is actually a Wombat. An Australian marsupial.


Love CW though! :)
Samx

Brandy said...

As weird as roadkill cakes are, some of these are actually pretty well-done.

Then there's the alligator...

Anonymous said...

All I can think of when I see that Unicorn cake is what happened to 'thinkgeek' and their April Fools Unicorn meat and the American Pork Board! http://www.thinkgeek.com/blog/2010/06/officially-our-bestever-cease.html

Heather said...

That beaver looks an a lot like a Wombat :)

By the way, Love what you do, fantastic work :)

Jessica C. said...

Did anyone else see the Unicorn and think about Harold and Kumar?!

Priceless.

tiny purple elephant said...

hahha unicorn cake with the tire tracks and the rainbow blood. so gross but sort of funny

Elisabeth said...

So that's how they got the sparkly unicorn meat in can!

corianne said...

Personally, I think the unicorn is hilarious--if a bit in-tack to be roadkill--think of the deer you see on the side of the road, personally.

And, in the case of armadillo v. Vespa, I think the armadillo won. He's still too...rotund to have really been run over, and I can just imagine the Vespa loosing it's balance after such a big bump...

wv: amome
"Amome, what's wrong with that unicorn? Why won't he get up and play with us?"

Becky said...

I agree with Gary and Studyaid. For tasteless cakes, most of these are well done - the crocodile cake being the exception.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if that Armadillo cake is blood-red inside. Remember the scene from Steel Magnolias? Remember the woman who played that cougar who was always hitting on Jack on Three's Company? She plays the part of a wedding guest who bakes the groom's cake and it's blood-red inside. I've always wanted to try a slice. They made it look so crumbly and sweet.

Lulu said...

What sort of freak would make those cupcakes 0_o just so strange...
At least the Unicorn one might have some sort of story behind it.

Anonymous said...

Aaaaaa! Voldemort is killing unicorns again! He seems to have given up on catching them though. I guess running them over with a car works just as well.
-Bella

Vicki said...

I wonder what kind of cake was used to make the unicorn. Most people use red velvet (especially for armadillos - thanks Steel Magnolias) but with the unicorn bleeding a rainbow, I'm thinking it's white "funfetti" cake like what Pillsbury has.

diddleymaz said...

I thought the "beaver" looks like a wombat, with a big black strap to hold him on the cake.

Daisy said...

I am soooo DUMB. Took me a while to realize the "stripes" on the unicorn were tire tracks, not embellishment!

Jen, you never fail to put a smile on mah face! Keep 'em coming!

Krusho said...

@Stephanie LOL! Good one!

Kim in ID

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Update!

Apparently, the little teddy bear thing that Jen and I originally thought was a beaver was indeed supposed to be a wombat.

Apparently, all of our readers from Australia knew that because it is common practice for wombats to crawl up onto your bed at night and nuzzle your ear while making adorable squeaking noises.

We are now contemplating a move to
Australia.

That is all.

john

Craig said...

Wouldn't it be cool to have a roadkill cake that was actually run over? I vote for the CCC (patooie!).

This post makes me think of two songs:

"You take green alligators and long-necked geese, some humpy-backed camels and some chimpanzees. Some cats and rats and elephants as sure as you're born, but don't you forget my unicorn." (Thankfully, all but the first and last are missing here.)

"And when the wombat comes, he will find me gone / he'll look for a place to sit."

It also raises two questions:

What do people have against armadillos?

and...

WHY?!?!

Steve the Pocket said...

That wombat cake really does look like sushi! If it wasn't already meant to, but that would be a little too weird I think. I say this as a guy who's looking at a bunch of roadkill cakes, of course.

joyce said...

roadkill is fun for boys--my sons used to drive matchbox cars over the gingerbread men cookies to leave roadkill tracks.

Terrrs-uh said...

charlie, charlie, let's go to candy mounta--- SPLAT!!!!!! goes charlie lol..... i swear that looks like a roadkill charlie the unicorn

Tricia L said...

Oh, cripe, john (the hubby of Jen). You went and changed the bear to a wombat. Now we will get comments "I think the wombat is a bear cub." Did the whole Spaceship Earth/EPCOT thing not teach you to leave well enough alone.

G'day to all the Australians out there.

Erin said...

that is so gross.

Connie Moreno said...

ROTFLMAO! I am supposed to be listening to an official company-wide phone message. Well, it's going in one ear and out the other. I'm looking at Cake Wrecks and all of a sudden I burst out laughing and my colleages are now wodering what is so funny because they are listening to the same phone message....oops....

Janelle said...

How big *is* that unicorn?!?! Or was it driven over by a very small car? those tire tracks are awfully close together.

Totally the wrong thing to look at while I'm trying to get over the flu.

andygirl said...

that first one is actually funny!

and is that what unicorns bleed? rainbows? hrm. who knew? I always thought they bled glitter.

MyCatsRule said...

Armadillos = Texas Speed Bumps

Great laughs, as usual!

Mrs. Dennis said...

That unicorn is FULL ON, DUDE!

scyllacat said...

Just for everyone's benefit: Here in the Deep South (yes, Armadillos ARE "possum on the half shell") we actually make fun of ourselves, our redneck behaviors, and our roadkill. I tell you, every one of these beats the hell out of Dried Possum in a Can and I bet most of them were made in the South.

Mamawheelie said...

Frankly, I think the unicorn one ROCKS! And I kinda like the steam roller cake, too. (My husband works with a guy who makes jerky out of roadkill, I kid you not. He's a bit stereotypical hippie, actually.)

The others were definitely what I'd call "wrecks" as they seemed to be unintentional. But the intentional ones? Can they really be called "wrecks"? I mean, the definition uses "unintentional," after all.

The Dream Police Person! said...

Oh dear, Charlie the unicorn is officially dead... And oozing rainbow blood/is splattered with gasoline from that oncoming car. Oh, dear.

Abby said...

I think the beaver sushi is actually wombat sushi

Di said...

"Taste the rainbow" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dana Enzor said...

Did you say Justin Bieber Sushi?

;)

Kate said...

OH MY GOD THE POOR UNICORN! whywhwywhy. :(

http://arguingwithadoughnut.blogspot.com/

paulajane said...

ok, yuck?! what would ever strike you (heh) to want a cake like that?

Nan said...

I kinda like the cupcakes! Am I twisted? Maybe, but they're neat!
I'd serve them.

JavaChick said...

Wrong. So very wrong.

jessica said...

Beaver sushi...hahahaa...and WHAT kind of person orders a road-kill unicorn with rainbow blood? I'm in awe.

BADKarma! said...

Not to sound ill or anything, but... THOSE ARE HYSTERICAL!!! I especially love the caption on the first one: "He didn't stand a chance!". The only way any of them could have been funnier is if the beaver was a care-bear instead.

Now, about that beaver... Frankly, what was clearly supposed to be a tire tread looks more like the belt on one of those old-fashioned "flab shaker" machines. (Which could also be funny, in the proper context, but doesn't work here).

WV: rolubi - Next time you see some prime roadkill, don't just rolubi, pick it the hell up!

KarlyH said...

"Beaver in sushi" HAHAHA!! That is so...inappropriate and hilarious.
Who orders a roadkill cake!? And what occasion could possible merit one!?

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha.. just-in beaver. love it.

Anonymous said...

just-in beaver sushi
Ha! I see what you did there!

Annie said...

I am loving that unicorn cake.

Janessa said...

I think the "beaver" is actually a wombat, judging by the large nose and lack of a long flat tail. Just sayin'

Sorry about that unicorn... said...

This is so awesome! Ahem. Let me explain. I had just started making cakes with all the shapes and fondant and whatnot, and I told my friend I would love to make her a birthday cake. Her first suggestion was a unicorn, and being unexperienced in the realm of standing quadruped cake engineering, I was worried I would only be able to make a unicorn lying down, which didn't sound too great. The next suggestion was roadkill (we were probably about fourteen or fifteen... give us a break?) Which would have been alright, but considering I wanted to make a 3D cakes, traditional roadkill tends to be quite flat, so I wasn't too thrilled about that idea either. Naturally we combined the two ideas. They kept and still have the head, which is made of fondant. The unicorn was covered in edible glitter, and I made that cake before I figured out you were supposed to use a fancy covered cake board underneath it, hence the white board. I'm still a little embarrassed about those sketchy tire marks and the gimpy legs, but I've gotten better, I swear! Here are a few cakes I've made in the last couple of weeks:
http://i34.tinypic.com/aua0w5.jpg
http://i38.tinypic.com/n65b4l.jpg
I've been a huge fan of Cake Wrecks for a while, and this is possibly one of the most exciting things that's happened to me. Yay!

Licia said...

Must be a southern thing but I know 2 separate people who actually had armadillo red velvet groom's cakes at their weddings. The local bake shop even has instructions on how to make your own version of this ?traditional? wedding wreck:
http://www.allinonebakeshop.com/documents/armadillocakeinstructionsheet.pdf

Anonymous said...

Silver blood, I tell you!!! Silver!! Though I understand why they used rainbow. So many misconceptions about unicorns these days.

Thanks for an amazing roadkill day.

We had an argument over the names though - Woodchuck, groundhog.... GROUNDCHUCK!!! (as I sped up to chase one with my SUV)

Yeah, it's an occurance around here to scrape a few for dinner. Be prepared for the alignment bill, though.

~~Di

Anonymous said...

oh, oh, oh! I finally get the Justin Beiber/Beaver reference! And, I have been here all day trying to figure it out.

DJ said...

"Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?"

Replika N900 said...

it's funny to see that road kill cake..

i like the gator green one.. that so cute and i like to eat it . .

regards,
Qoo Market

Single Dad Laughing said...

Ummmm, the unicorn is incredible. Nice find!

Single Dad Laughing

Gina said...

The roadkill unicorn is Wreck-TASTIC!

Janie B. said...

My sons' Cub Scout Pack has an annual cake decorating contest, and one of the categories is, in fact, "roadkill". It is the most popular category, and it is amazing what some of those twisted little minds have come up with over the years. :-0

But it never occurred to me that people would order roadkill cakes from professional bakeries. That is seriously twisted!

Can't See Sheep said...

ROFL I love the unicorn, the rainbow blood is great! Taste the rainbow, LMAO!

of sage and sepia said...

Sweet Jesus, why would anyone go to all that trouble to make an ugly armadillo (but I repeat myself!) cake?? It took me awhile to figure out what the black "straps" were on Mr. Armadillo and the beaver/wombat - duhh!!

The unicorn - I snorted at the "farts glitter" comment!!

MissRon said...

Oh man. The bloody rainbow from the unicorn is both a lovely touch and rather disturbing! Is it wrong that I actually love it?!

ladypyrate said...

WHO in the world would want a road-kill unicorn cake?!?!?!?!?!

jo said...

LOL Unicorn rainbow blood! taste the rainbow! ah, you kill me!

Anonymous said...

I usually love your blog, but this one was disgusting and very bothersome. Sorry.

Margaret said...

Creamed unicorn just killed me (no pun intended. Seriously)!

downundersugarglider said...

Joining the Aussie party....

Not.A.Beaver

gotta admit, the Hume Highway around Mittagong is the place to pick up your authentic wombat sushi

downundersugarglider said...

Oh - and another thing! The post title reminds me of The Roadkill Cafe at Darwin's Mindil Beach Markets with their slogan: "You kill it, we grill it"

Cakelady72 said...

I LOVE the unicorn. How wonderfully morbid.

Anonymous said...

Rain-Bow Road-Kill, Oh My God!!!


WV: dowed While these cakes depict roadkill, I dowed any animals were actually harmed in the making........

Anonymous said...

I actually ate at a place called Roadkill Cafe. It was suprisingly good, and the menu was hilarious!

Angie said...

That last one is just so wrong on so very many levels...

Wrongness aside, those are actually fairly well done (except for the alligator ccc *ptooey*)

Arlene said...

Aww that poor unicorn didn't deserve that horrid death lol. Actually none of those did but that unicorn one was pretty gross. I mean did it land in vomit? Ew. I hope this cake wasn't for a child or that wreckerator is responsible for the nightmares to come.. scary cake.

Carolina said...

"bumper frogs" Tee hee! : )

shikishinobi said...

I'm not sure what I find more amusing; the idea that we have roadkill cakes or wondering, in relivence, how someone managed to run these things down, especially the unicorn.
At the end of the day, I think I'll just silence my hunger with something a bit more appealing and skip dessert.

y said...

number 3 is the dreaded CCC! and it's bloody hideous! I'd actually pay the $12.99 to buy it, set in front of the "bakery" and REALLY roadkill it!
But the unicorn... that is almost sacrilegious!
I blame Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, for destroying propriety, but THEY would make GREAT roadkill cakes!

Some Random Person said...

What the f**k is that 4th one??

Miri said...

Not sure you're into this and you certainly don't have to do anything about it but I've given you the Versatile Blogger Award because I wanted to introduce your blog to my readers.

Anonymous said...

And a little music to go with dessert? Check out http://www.secondnaturesongs.com/ and listen to the clip from "The Roadkill Bill".

Amanda said...

So funny. I love unicorns...that should have upset me but I couldn't help myself, all I can do is laugh!

Sharon said...

I think the unicorn cake is hilarious. :)

I like the big brown armadillo and the beaver/bear, too.

The cupcakes remind me of Trolli's roadkill gummie candy. No, wait... those are gummies on the cupcakes. PETA managed to stop the sale of Trolli ones and someone started making much more detailed ones in retaliation.

Amy said...

I'm sure others have said this, but that is clearly a wombat rather than a beaver.

Sharon said...

@Craig

It's not that people have anything against armadillos, it's just that they are notorious for getting run over. In the South, you see them dead on the road/roadside more than any other animal.

You remember the old cartoon cliche that when a toon died or faked a death, it'd fall on its back and stick all four of its feet (or feet and arms) straight up in the air? Well, armadillos are the only real animal I know of that you'll find dead on its back with all four feet stuck straight up in the air.

Anonymous said...

That lot's put me off cake for a while..

Anonymous said...

That lot's put me off cake for a while..

Megan said...

the "beaver" looks more like a wombat to me.

Annie Cakes said...

THANK YOU sooo much for sharing my "beaver" cake!... Hehe. I didn't think I could be more excited till I saw quite a few people recognize that it's a WOMBAT! :D No one I knew (except the birthday girl) could figure out what it was either... :/ Haha.

So the story is my friend likes wombats & sushi... So I just combined them. ;) And honestly, she doesn't like cake, so he's made of brownies & the sushi is rice cereal treats... (hope that doesn't get me deleted, hehe)

Thanks again so much! Love the site (& book).

Aloha,
"Annie Cakes"

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! My 14 year old daughter wants to use the unicorn cake as her facebook picture!

Sarah B said...

Are you nerd-fighters? Because someone has to show John Green that Unicorn cake! :)

Anonymous said...

Who would WANT those

Anwesha said...

ooh now i feel like some beaver sushi for lunch!!

Carrie said...

Is it wrong that I LOVE the unicorn cake? As in I think it would be awesome if that was served at a birthday party for me.

satal said...

To be fair, at least this set seems to have succeeded to some degree in communicating the actual intent of the piece. After all, it's not an attempt at tiramisu that happens to LOOK like a piece of beaver sushi. It IS a cake shaped like beaver sushi. We hope.

satal said...

Oh, yes -- anyone know if the armadillo actually is bleeding armadillo cake? Real thing, a' course. So my mate tells me, anyway.

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha! I have made many "road kill" possum cakes. People get a kick out of grossing everyone else out.

Another Jen

Anonymous said...

I'm 99% sure that's a wombat, not a beaver. If it doesn't have a big, flat tail and a severe overbite, it's a wombat!

Phantom Writer said...

That beaver has to be a wombat; surely...

Anonymous said...

number 4, the beaver looks a lot like a wombat!

Anonymous said...

I believe that the beaver cake is actually a common wombat, but once they've been squashed you can't really tell the difference!