Wednesday, August 11, 2010

A Marriage in Idle

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Welcome back...to...A Marriage In Idle.

Our first contestant Susan has dreams of flying high, but does she have more than a wing and a prayer? Let's find out.


"Hi, my name is Susan, and I'm going to do Wind Beneath My Wings:"


Darla: "Ok, Sweetie, go ahead."

Susan: [cracking knuckles] "Alright. Here goes."



Darla: "Um... Ok! Randall? What do you think?"

Randall: "I dunno, dawg. I mean, it was really pitchy there in the middle, you know, when it almost fell over? And you just didn't go high enough. Sorry."

Darla: "I have to agree with Randall. When I look at you, I see JOY. But I just don't taste the joy. What? Nigel, why are you always laughing at me?"

Nigel: [eye roll] "Look, Susan, I simply don't know what to say to you. It was complete and utter crap. Oh, hey, I guess I did know what to say."



Next up is Michael, who hopes his rendition of Under the Sea won't leave the judges all wet.


[voice cracking] "Hi, I'm Michael, and I'm going to do Under the Sea.

Um. Should I just start?"

Nigel: "YES, Michael. While the sun's still up, if you please."

"Oh, Ok."

Nigel: [head in hands] "Oh, Michael. Michael, Michael, Michael."

"Uh. Yes, Nigel?"

"THAT, Michael, was completely -and I mean this in all seriousness - completely and irrevocably the worst thing I have ever seen created in five years. It was a nightmare. A total nightmare."

Randall: "Yeah, sorry, dawg."

Darla: "Maybe next year. Don't lose that sparkle!"


Can our next contestant Kelli win the judges over, or will her wreck get in the way?

"Hi there! I'm Kelli, and I'm going to do The Words Get in the Way."



Randall: [sucking air through teeth] "Oooh. Wow. I'm sorry, dawg, but that was not good. What do you think, Darla?"

Darla: "There's something very special about you, Kelli. A kind of hazy...colorful...haze. Yeah. In fact, I think...I think I love you. OW! Nigel, what was that for?"

Nigel: "Darla, don't make me take away your sippy cup again."

Kelli: "Um...so...does that mean I win?"

Nigel: "Kelli, there aren't enough words in the English language to adequately describe how terrible that was. Looking at your cake is like having my eyes plucked out, wrapped in burlap, and beaten with a cactus. I'm actually nauseated. You disgust me."

Kelli: "So...no?"


Wow, it's been a rough night for our wreckerators. Will Billy, our final contestant of the night, turn things around?


"My name's Billy, and I'm gonna rock your worlds with Pretty Pink Ribbons, by Cake."

Randall: "Wow. Nice choice."

Billy: "Yes, sir. Prepare to be amazed."


Darla: "WHAT IN THE H...[falling out of chair]...oooph!"

Randall: "Sorry, Darla. Here, have your sippy cup."

Darla: [from floor] "Bad! Baaaad!!"

Randall: "Yeah, I gotta say, dawg, that is pretty heinous. Nigel?"

Nigel: "I rather like it."


Jenna C., Josee, Diana B., & Katie C., I'd say your wedding wrecks and a snarky British judge are a match made in heaven.
Rachel said...

As a bride-to-be currently choosing a baker, you just gave me nightmares. And I thank you for that.

Inaya said...

After seeing that cake with the feathers on it, I think my search for my wedding cake has ended. But after seeing the wreck it inspired, I think my search for my wedding cake has been reinstated.

The commentary and song choice for that cake were brilliant!

GrnEyes said...

Okay so despite it's heinous appearance, I would actually eat that chocolate cake. The rest of them would have to improve to be crap. Wow, especially that pink one, what WERE they thinking? I mean, it's actually nauseous-making!

Donna said...

These wrecks make me happy to be married and not have the worry of these "visions" to surprise me on my wedding day. I think I would have just broken down and cried had I been confronted with these.

Anne said...

Ah, inspiration vs. perspiration wrecks! Part of me feels guilty at taking such pleasure in the misery of others, especially since that misery occurred on the happiest day of their lives (and didn't come cheap), but then I get over it and revel in just how bad some of these wrecks turn out.

Anonymous said...

Does the writing one say "Kahlua Ick"?

Jenniffer said...

OMG! I love the inspiration vs perspiration posts! How can they get it SO wrong?!?! Thankd for starting my day off with an LOL!

Don't forget to vote for Icing Smiles so they can bring cakes to critically ill children! http://www.refresheverything.com/icingsmiles

Clara said...

There always must be a snarky British judge on every reality panel..... that's what makes it so funny!

Karen said...

I feel sorry for the brides.... WTH wants to eat a gray cake? And I thought that it could not get worse; but, Pinky blew me away - while looking like s tiff wind could blow it away (and what's left of the icing)

WV: skyllift- what that first cake needs to fly

bassgirl said...

The Wind Beneath My Wings wreck is just amazing. Topped off with wilted asparagus, it must have been a horror to behold! I hope this "professional" found a new career after presenting that mess.

Glad our wedding cake 26 years ago today was just a simple carrot cake, no decorations but yummy.

JHill said...

High fives for Cake (the band) references!

srah said...

@Anonymous 9:38 - I think it says "Kahlua I do". Is that the NAME of the bride or groom?! Or is the decorator warning people that there's Kahlua in the cake? I hope it's the latter.

French Bean & Coffee Bean said...

Gosh. Looking at these cakes makes me scared of getting married one day to a hypothetical future husband; we would risk having a hypothetical future cake wreck...

-French Bean

Anonymous said...

So, this always makes me wonder if these are cases of 'you get what you pay for'...if someone quotes you a low, low price and you give them inspiration pics like that, what do you expect, exactly? I mean, yes, the baker/wreckerator should come clean with a 'that is beyond the scope of my abilities' but if you have expectations like those pics (which I love, btw) you had better plan on spending a pretty penny.

On the flip side, if any of them paid what those cakes should have been worth and then got those
wrecks I hope they got a refund.

I think I'll go dig out a picture of my beautiful, executed to perfection, so-pretty-it-made-me-cry wedding cake just to remind myself that they do exist.

:) Kirsten

Darla said...

Ha! This is the first time a "Darla" has been "nice." Usually we're portrayed as being pret-ty psycho!!

That pink, melty, ribbon-holding-it-together cake made me queasy.

Anonymous said...

Oh God! MY EYES! MY EYES!!!! That last cake has burned them out forever.

ellemck1

Anonymous said...

I was away from my computer for a week, and had lost my will to laugh -- you've brought it back. Thank you.

Although, I think Pinky there has made me lose my brekky.

Who needs actual food when virtual cake is able to make one laugh this hard? Marie Antoinette had it right.

~~Di

WV--dysisi Anyone who wouldn't touch that cake with a fork is simply dysisi.

morriganscrow said...

My ex-nurse genes pick the darndest times to rear their heads....

The moment I saw the pink caketastrophe I immediately thought "Hmmm...uterine scrapings."

And yes, my dinner table/restaurant conversations are awesome.

Angie said...

Is it just me, or do all of those wrecks look like they're melted, or in the process of melting?

And as I've said many times before, I REALLY hope nobody was required to actually pay for those wrecks. Horrid.

Tracy said...

Oh... my. That pink one is something special. Is that supposed to be poured fondant? Ick.

EG said...

It's so much worse when you can see the inspiration.

I do like that it says "Kahlua" real big at the top of that one, though.

The Boob Nazi said...

The third cake that was copied is beautiful. The copy horrified me.

Dorothy said...

I just got married less than 3 weeks ago, and I comforted myself with thinking, "If our cake turns out badly, we can just submit it to cake wrecks!" but if I walked in and saw that pink cake....oh man. Someone really, honest-to-goodness, got paid for that? Really?? And they're still alive??

Nikki said...

Cupcakes. Individual cupcakes. No decoration. That's the way to go.

I'm going to be haunted by these disasters forevermore.

WV: plererch - the sound my stomach made while viewing the cake on this post.

kelly said...

lovely photography on that pepto bismol turd there, but it's not enough to save it...i assume that was the wedding photographer and not the bakery, who would want to promote that mess?

Sharon said...

Handwriting horrors, what did that say?
Leaning tiers to ruin your wedding day.....
Singin'
We will, we will wreck you!
We will, we will wreck you!

Sharon's Edible Art

Anonymous said...

Dude, get a manicure!

Fran said...

The real version of the first cake doesn't really do it for me either. And the chocolate one (non wreck version) was exactly like the Groom's cake at my b-i-ls wedding in Hawaii.

Jenni @ Project Cookie 365 said...

Kahlua? Really? Kahlua?!?
They'd need to drink it by the bottle to get past that cake.
Wow. In fact, I'm thinking about hitting the sauce after seeing those! And clearly the decorators hit it hard before decorating!

lawnajo said...

Hilarious! I literally laughed out loud. The "Idle" stuff was great, one of my favorite posts ever.

Carol said...

Yes, yessssssss!! I love love love the 'what was requested/what they actually got' posts! I was hooked in the beginning with that plaid cake (OMG, I still go back to that and laugh)
Any way this could be a regular feature?

Lori said...

Makes me happy yet again that my mom & I made my wedding cake. There's something to be said for Wilton classes!

Amy said...

Love the Pretty Pink Ribbon mention! Now we can add great musical taste to your outstanding wit and clever cultural references!

Brooke said...

Buahahahah!! That has to be your best inspiration vs. delivery posts ever! Thanks.

Zanthia said...

It took me about 10 minutes to figure out this was a "missed marks" post, partially because the "inspirations" are all pretty ugly, in my opinion!

The "Idle" commentary is pretty funny though :-)

ania said...

How do you guys manage to make everything so spot on hilarious?

I might need a, ;-) ;-) "sippy cup" of my own if I had to judge those cakes.

T said...

Pffffff... best commentary ever :)

your word verifier says "stable" obviously it hasn't seen many of the cakes today.

Anna said...

That last one...oh my...I really hope no actual money exchanged hands on that one. It just makes me sad.

Meaghan said...

Besides the last cake, not ever the ORIGINALS were that good. How can you not get a wreck when the standard is so so so low?

WV: hoost-the host of a game show involving owls.

elissa said...

Most of the pictures on which these were "based" in the first place didn't thrill me to begin with. But yuck!

Lisa said...

I think if I ever get married (again) we're having a cookie tray.

clan of the cave hair said...

Between the first two photos, I'm genuinely unsure which one is the wreck, and which the inspiration. Both are, well...not my taste, and neither looks particularly well done. Plus, feathers on a cake? eeeeeeewwwww why don't we go ahead and bake a blackbird in a pie?

Donkaloosa said...

How can any self-respecting professional baker turn out such crap??? Did you notice that even the seashells were trying to escape from that chocolate cake, all crowded over to the edge, ready to take the plunge? Now, granted, maybe some of the brides wanted a $1000 designed cake but only wanted to pay $100 for it, but still, these are just too hideous.

Anonymous said...

Really? All of these cakes were really, REALLY made by people who call themselves "professionals"? And People give them MONEY? Like, REAL money? I just... wow. Those poor brides :(

Emily M said...

At first, I thought the first feather cake WAS the wreck! Whoops!! =)

Miss Mina said...

I remember my wedding cake to my ex, the cake itself was beautiful, I picked it out of the baker's book. It was random piped squiggled lines (I'm not that good at describing it) over the surface of the cake with a piped color border (using a star tip I think) The cake was white. I asked for lavender icing for the color border, what I got was hot eye bleed fuchsia.

I don't have pics of the cake as my ex mother-in-law kept our proof book to "pic out photos she wanted to order an album" and 15 years later still has it. [eye roll] she can keep it.

The cake as a whole wasn't at all a wreck, it was beautiful, but I still wonder to this day how one could confuse hot eye bleed fuchsia with lavender, and I explained PALE PALE purple.

My mother's comment "You should have shown her a color swatch" I honestly don't think it would have helped.

That last cake brought back the color memories lol

lady said...

I just assumed the first one was a wreck. The colors, the feathers...

I love the compare and contrast. My wedding cake (professionally made) wouldn't win any prizes, but it was pretty. I would have cried if one of those showed up at my reception.

Laury said...

I always wonder if when the bride and groom see the wrecktacular mess they've been given, that they pay someone to run out to the nearest bakery and buy a plain sheet cake - but seeing them actually cutting the kahlua cake? I think I would have thrown my arms up and said "not cutting this thing, anyone wanna come grab a chunk?"

Erika said...

Oh dear...this makes me so nervous at the idea of choosing my cake.

I wish that there were stories with these inspiration vs. perspiration. I too am curious (read deathly afraid) about how they get from photo to disaster!

Decrepit Telephone said...

EEEK that last cake. It's like they dumped strawberry YOOHOO on it and called it frosting. EEK.

Tricia L said...

It took until the third inspiration to realize this was a good vs. evil day. The first inspiration looks awful. The seashells are, I believe, my favorite Belgian chocolate, store bought and inexpensive (but delicious). That last pink one ... I can't imagine it even getting delivered, it is so bad.

ladyrazorsharp said...

Seashell cake wasn't too terrible (looked quite appetizing, actually). I might stretch and say the "words" cake was all right ('missed it by THAT much' to coin a phrase) but the rest make me shudder. My wedding was almost a year ago but looking at wrecky wedding cakes gives me a panic attack.

(Also: commentary = FTW)

Daya said...

Am I the only one that thought the first one was a wreck? I was actually surprised when I scrolled down and saw that it was the inspiration. Yikes!!

Naomi said...

The second cake looks like it's covered in little novelty guest soaps. This is somewhat mitigated on the inspiration cake by the presence of chocolate starfish (*wicked giggle*), but I wouldn't want to eat the sand dollars or the surrounding frosting on either cake.

Dani said...

Am I the only person who thought that 3rd wreck sais "first kiss as Mom and Wife?". Which I guess is okay if they have kids. If not thought that's a tacky way to announce your shotgun wedding.

Jenny said...

That last one looks like they frosted it with strawberry yogurt. Gross! I must admit that when I saw the first cake I thought that was the wreck, kinda ugly.

Charly said...

Love, love, LOVE! The twist you gave this post!

Anonymous said...

Is it just me, or does the "words..." cake say "...kiss as mom and wife..." ???

Anyone?

No, just me?

Charlie said...

you look at those and think wow that's bad and then you remember that these are done by professionals in the industry and you're just blown away by the amount of bad that is sitting before you. My grandmother made our cakes for my sister and cousin and myself and I have to say, she's an amateur and our cakes looked a billion times better than any of these did. WOW

Barbara said...

I think we can see the problem with the word cake. Kahlua did indeed take her hand!

Anonymous said...

The Chocolate seashell cake is actually an interesting study in "When to use frosting & when to use Glaze" The seashells look almost the same - they are by a french chocolate company, I think.

It's interesting how it only takes a few changes to make it a wreck. The pink cake is scary!

whirlofwings said...

The best post ever!! So creative and funny!

jen k said...

Speaking of wedding cakes - did you notice the tilt on the top tier of Jenna Bushes cake? A mild wreck, but one that has pics everywhere!

Bree said...

It's always amazing that bakers can't seem to understand when a couple orders a pink wedding cake, they usually don't want it looking like it's made from cooked and chilled Pepto Bismol.

Jenifer said...

My 12 yo son said the last one looked like denture paste. It made me so queasy, I couldn't go back for a second look. YUCK!

Ingeborg said...

LOL the writing on this is hiiilarious! And obviously, so are the wrecks. The first one had me in stitches, I swear!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE this blog. I love that the brides can send pics of their horrible cakes here...and enjoy hearing what others have to say about their cake wrecks as well.

Cutelilsnot said...

"Wind Beneath My Wings" s/b "Wind Beneath My Sheets." I still see a poo theme here with the undersea-thingy...the rest are, well, indescribable.

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

The chocolate thing looks like the decorator just stuck some cut-rate Guylian knock-offs on top of a supermarket cake...

The one it was "modelled" on reminds me of a Sacher cake that I bought. We were carrying it home, I was carrying it with one hand and pushing a stroller. The box was just a tiny bit too big to grip without getting a cramp. The box slipped out of my hand, flipped twice and landed upside down on the sidewalk.

I didn't even want to look at it until we arrived home because I KNEW it was going to be a wreck.

We opened the box, closed out eyes, and lifted the lid... The cake was completely perfect... Not a crack or crush and even the cast chocolate flowers on top were perfectly fine.

AND the cake was delicious!

Anonymous said...

hehehehe

Aviatrix said...

I`m trying to imagine how the transaction can best proceed in these cases. The bride asks the baker to quote on a cake she describes or shows a picture of. The baker agrees to do it. The bride pays a deposit for the cake. A monstrosity is delivered. The bride says, "This is totally unacceptable. It looks nothing like the cake I ordered. For starters I ordered a white cake, and this is grey. I am not paying for this. I want my deposit back. And [taking out camera] this is going on Cake Wrecks."

Maybe you take the cake, photograph it for evidence, then send a bridesmaid out for a can of spray-on whipped cream and cover the the horror in foam.

Or you send her to Wal-Mart to find a sheet cake that doesn't have Shreck on it.

BADKarma! said...

I think that last cake is the zombie version of the model...

Kristen @ ladybug-blessings.com said...

oh they are all horrible! But that pink color!!

Megan said...

This was one of my favorite posts ever! Thanks for making me lol.

Natalie said...

Awesome post tonight! You hit it out of the park! I love it! ; D The commentary, NOT the cakes...

Arlene said...

That scary chocolate frosting is melting on the cake that had shells on it as it appears to be falling into a sea of mush.. gross lol. As for the pink ribbon cake.. it too looks like it will melt into a pile of goo. Way to go wreckerators if melting goo cakes was what you evilly planned for the victims lol.

shikishinobi said...

Cute approach, and no doubt not the first/las time. Songs for cakes are gorgeous... if you can work them out. Frankly, if there is a cake to go with the song "I'm Not Dead" by Pink, I don't wanna know. Nice work.
The originals looked great, the rest looked like they had been sprayed with a bottle of laquor to keep them shiny.

Tracy said...

Daya, you are not the only one who thought the first "inspiration" was a wreck!

Also, Kahlua? WTF?

Len said...

Having not seen any of those Idol realities I still manage to get the point so congrats!

The "starfish seashells" on top of the wreck look like soap.

wv: potiochi - italian spitting at a cupcake cake :)

Dee said...

The "words" cake reminds me of a tombstone.

Charlotta-love said...

"Marriage in Idle"

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

How do you guys come up with this stuff. LOL

kayk said...

These cakes underscore the importance of setting realistic expectations. Expect the worst, and you'll never be disappointed. (How's THAT for a way to start of a marriage?)

Tree said...

Good Sweet Mike!

You know, I can enjoy wrecks that are found in the wild, in shop windows, supermarket cases, etc...

I can enjoy cake wrecks that are well-executed examples of bad ideas (i.e. the baby butt cake), as I assume the bad idea belonged to the customer.

But these inspiration/perspiration wedding cakes hurt me to my little core. I put so much thought into my wedding cake and would have been devastated to see one of these show up. I wish there was a little epilogue for each one "And the bride received all her money back plus a 4-day spa package as an apology from the baker." "Not only was the bride victorious in small claims court, the judge confiscated the baker's Kitchen Aid, pans, piping bags, tips, flavorings, food coloring, fondant roller, and lazy susan." "The police made the arrest just moments before the bride walked down the aisle and the baking suspect in custody has been issued a temporary restraining order requiring that she remain at least 100 yards away from all ovens, countertops, baking supply stores, baking contests, cookbook sections in bookstores, and craft stores."

dietplaid said...

Those roses are nice in the last one...you know...the real ones.

Louis I. said...

Nigel? Like Nigel St. Nigel? From that episode of Psych?

Single Dad Laughing said...

Haha, I gotta say, I was too broke to afford a cake and so we went with Costco cupcakes, and after seeing these I think we made the right call! Discount wedding cakes are no good. :)

Single Dad Laughing

Evie said...

Ummm that last one makes me want to cry. So pathetic and sad in it's pink meltiness. Sigh. Really? wow. I've never made a wedding cake and I know better.

-Evie

Jenna said...

GAAAH!

I dislike the "what they asked for" (none of those super-weddingy cakes are our style, not even a little bit)...

...and the "what they got" is just mind-curdlingly bad.

This is why we ordered a Wedding Tiramisu. I love cake, but not wedding cake.

Jenna said...

BTW, anyone notice that the Uterine Scraping Cake (thanks, ex-nurse), compared to the roses on it, is something like six inches high? If that?

I also thought the first inspiration one was a wreck (feathers looked like sugar or gum paste, not real ones, so that's OK, but the horrible orange border), and the chocolate seashells inspiration was really 'blah'.

My fiance saw the word cake inspiration and said "That looks like a perfectly acceptable monolithic tomb".

I liked the idea of the original pink cake, for some people. Just not us.

WV: mezine - Clearly pink zombies are mezine with the bakers' heads.

~Nikki~ said...

Are these actually WEDDING CAKES? I could never provide something as crappy or tacky as these for such a special occasion as a wedding.




check out my blog: nikkiscakery.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Maybe "Kahlua Ick" refers to how the decorator is feeling, and s/he is hoping to blame the wreckiness on a hangover? "TAKE my hand! I can't frost this cake alone!!!"

The middle layer also looks like it says "1st kiss as mom and wife".... awkward.

Brandy said...

I really don't understand bakers who don't even know which type of frosting to use to get the look they need. Even I could use ganache to get the look on that seashell cake! And what kind of baker doesn't know how to use fondant??