Monday, August 2, 2010

Battle of the Beach

Monday, August 2, 2010

{We now return to your favourite underwater crime series, "Crab Cakes: Ocean Justice"}

{sobbing} "Help! Help!"

"Dr. Octopus is back! And his shenanigans are more evil than ever!"


"Mwuaah haa haa! You'll never stop me! I may have lost six legs in the last battle, but I'll never lose the power to DESTROY YOU!!"

"Stop right there, partner!"

"Nobody messes with the Sheriff of Crabtown."

Little did the Sheriff know, he was about to meet Doc Oct's gang of corrupt cephalopod cohorts straight from Squid Roe:

Mr. Blue...
"Dress sharp, kill clean."

The Twins...
{in unison} "We're adorable and ready to ink."

And Crazy Lou!
"WwwhhaaaLLAA OOOAaAaaHHhhH!"


Gulp.

""Don't worry, Sheriff. I, Professor Knowsitall, am writing up a sneaky plan to destroy the Evil Octopodes once and for all! First, we'll lead them down to the beach using cunning tactics."

"Then, we'll all stop shaving our armpits...

"Ya know, to appear more intimidating."

"Lastly, we'll disguise ourselves as footballs and hurl each other at them in an all-out ambush!"
"Now that's a pinch-hitter!"
(Oh, that's baseball? Whatever. No need to be crabby!)

Stay tuned for our next episode where Crabtown gets hit with a tidal wave! Will the Sheriff make it out alive? What happened to little Jake? And who took all the suntan lotion? Rolling credits: Jessica, Mauri T., Laura F., Carrie S., Kristy S., Jessica H., Carolann, Gabrielle W., Naomi, Beth W., Amanda, and Megan C.


Note from Jen: I have to add that the second to last crab reminds me of my favorite poem: "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning." That is all.
joyce said...

I love the wreck reporters feet in number 2 and 4.

armpits? hey, I was eating yogurt and nuts for breakfast. was.

had to scroll down into the Sunday sweets to cleanse my eyes !

Maureen said...

Hahahahaha!! Hilarious narration. Horrible wrecks, as usual. (Horrible as in so bad they are almost..... no, they're not.)

Peg said...

This was so funny, no need to wear my crabby pants today! Great commentary!

JRM said...

These wrecks are scarier than Shark Week! I wonder if you could wreck a cake so badly that even a bull shark wouldn't eat it. That may be a challenge to try!

Erin - Thrift Madness said...

I <3 Crazy Lou! He looks like he knows how to have a good time!

Anonymous said...

I couldn't even tell what the third one was supposed to be!

Amy said...

Missing six arms or not, I love the look of fiendish glee on the face of Dr. Octopus. I also love your story narrations like this!

Colette said...

Yet more proof that Cancer is the lamest astrological sign ... I'd like to see the other signs be as wrecky as these crabs XD

Miranda said...

Roffles! Evil Crab is Evil! XD

Trevor said...

Wow, things are ROUGH under water there. No one seems to have 8 tenticles anymore. They've all lost them in some horrible accident. I mean, all of those poor cephelopods!

Great story! Best part to me was "GULP"

Black Tee and Jeans said...

Crazy Lou almost made me pee. With laughter of course. Cakes don't usually induce peeing on sight for me. That would be horribly awkward, because I visit your site daily. At work. And I teach.

Annie Japannie said...

Octopodes! Yes!

Rebekah said...

Hee hee - we get all kinds of crazy beach-related cakes here in FL. Awesome Vogon poetry reference, btw!

DarkPrincess said...

Dr. Octopus FTW! I want that cake for my birthday.

Anonymous said...

Awesome! Loved it! Thanks for the big laughs on a Monday morning! Crab-tastically great!

Sylph said...

IMO, that Doc Oc cake is pretty terrific (if you don't mind the leg count and the odd leer)

Hilarious commentary as usual. :)

Anonymous said...

Crazy Lou will haunt me....just freaky.

Becky said...

Some of those were kind of cute in a non-professional cake kind of way. :) Also, I laughed at how the ocean airbrushing for the Twins' background was done AFTER the octupi/octopus/octopuses (?) were put on the cake, so they have weird colored tentacles.

Shanti said...

All I have to say is this:

Forewarned is half an octopus.

Fluffy Cow said...

The whole post is perfect... but Crazy Lou made me laugh till I cried!

crafingqueen75 said...

Don't know what made me giggle harder... the cakes (Crazy Lou FTW) or the screenplay commentary.

Well played No. 1, well played indeed!

Kevin Phair said...

Who'd a thunk Professor Knowsitall could come up with any plan of attack, he being yellow and all. I expected as much from Captain Gulp above him, but followers should note that Professor Knowsitall in just yellow on the inside and will most likely fall back should any confrontation arise.

Mjx said...

Oh no... the poetical reference made me realize with a shock that perhaps there is some deeper evil lurking behind cake wreckage... might Vogons actually be amongst us?!!

(My apologies if this is appearing twice, there seems to be a word-verification/error thing going on.)

Anonymous said...

wow, that was one of your funiest post for a while, loved the crazy crab :P

Kelly said...

Jen, you are in rare form today. One of the best posts ever!!

I have a soft spot for Octopi ever since I was little girl and received a book about an octopus that went to school for a day posing as a little boy. It was one of my favorite books ever.

arensb said...

destroy the Evil Octopodes once and for all!

I always love it when someone uses the correct (or at least most pretentious :-) ) plural for "octopus". Thanks!

Anissa said...

I love how the crab 3rd from the end is clutching a tiny American flag in his left claw...he must be on the side of good ;)

mizdarlin said...

That last Wreckage was enough to make anyone hurl...

Donna said...

Crazy Lou appeals to my warped and twisted side...even though he is a ccc. Made my day!

Angie said...

The twins did it for me... I must have that cake.

I think I dated the human form of Crazy Lou, too.

JillyBiehn said...

Actually I'd love to see what the Vogons could get up to with cake decorating, with the reputation their poetry has...

Anonymous said...

Hahahahahah.

Genius.

coeurdechoeur said...

As a student of Latin and Greek, I cannot express how excited I was when I saw that you used 'octopodes' as the plural of 'octopus'. I could rant on and on about how much I hate it when people say 'octopi' because it is a contrived attempt to force a Latin plural on a Greek word, but I won't. Except I just did. Oops.

*cough* Erm, keep up the good work!

BrieDank said...

That last one, it's not an octopus! It's one of the Freakies from the cereal commcercials: http://mrbreakfast.com/cereal_detail.asp?id=140

I was thinking it was Boss Moss, but he's a different color.

Anonymous said...

OMG, the Gulp cake is soooo cute! Good thing its just a photo, because I have an urge to hug it. *squish* *ewwww* LOL

Anne

Karen said...

I get into so much damn trouble going on this site...All I do is laugh! I'm so gonna get fired one of these days cuz of cakewrecks

Flying Gargoyle said...

The Ballad Of The Sheriff Of Crabtown. Oh, my, does this story ROCK!!!

If I didn't know better, I would swear that you commissioned the cakes that gave you the perfect facial expressions after Crazy Lou arrives. Regardless, "Nobody messes with the Sheriff of Crabtown." needs to be added to the list o' [in]famous sayings from Cakewrecks lore. Brava! Author! [genuflecting in the general direction of Jen & Co. -- "We are not worthy!"]

Anne said...

hahahahahaha "squid roe!" comedic genius, fo sho.

kae said...

Actually, y'know...I'd be THRILLED to get Crazy Lou for my birthday. He makes me laugh.

(And I'd want to see what color my tongue turned after eating him.)

Adrian said...

Oh man, this set made me laugh so hard. The Crazy Lou one is priceless.

RbeforeE said...

Sheer Genius on the commentary. Absolute genius. And with all of the scary ocean stories in the news here in Southern California it is all the more poignant (we have sharks swimming up to the sand, black jellyfish and stingrays on a rampage)

Crazy Lou is definitely FTW. One question... does he have a giant hole in his head? It would explain that priceless expression, although I prefer to think he is just a real party guy and a bit of a lush.

Anonymous said...

Call me crazy but the 1st one and last few are so cute :)
also...crazy lou!! awesome cake

stella said...

i'm not sure if anyone else has said this or not yet...but does the last wreck sort of look like meatwad from aqua teen hunger force to you??

Jennifer said...

In quoting Hitchhikers you made my morning. :-)

Anonymous said...

Ah! Cephalopods. As a researcher once said in a video I watched in high school, "I'm very passionate about cephalopods." Only my friend and I caught that for the hilarity it was and we had to stifle our giggles. We still quote it to this day.

Jason said...

and the Sheriff of Crabtown cake bears resemblance to what happened when that same poet was about to embark on a reading of *My Favourite Bathtime Gurgles*

"...when his own major intestine, in a desperate attempt to save humanity, leapt straight up through his neck and throttled his brain."

Taylor said...

Oh my goodness. OH MY GOODNESS. When I reached, "WwwhhaaaLLAA OOOAaAaaHHhhH!"

No, I'm done, I just can't even handle it. I am STILL laughing. It's been like eight minutes. I've never even heard myself laughing like this. Am I breathing? I don't think I'm breathing. My German Shepherd is barking at me like I'm dying. I might be dying. I think I'm dying.

Rachel H. said...

Okay, I gotta say I love Crazy Lou the best!

Anonymous said...

I want to have a party RIGHT NOW so I have an excuse to buy Crazy Lou.

Queen Julian XIII said...

I think I may be related to Crazy Lou. |\O_o/\

mblonde7 said...

To Jen:
Hopefully no one suffered internal hemorrhaging due to the last cake.
Ohhh freddled gruntbuggly.....no wait, that's only the third worst.
So does that mean that cake is the second worst in the universe?

Melinda said...

I'm thinking that Crazy Lou just saw a double rainbow.

"Squid Roe!" My favorite part of the entire commentary.

ladyrazorsharp said...

Crazy Lou for the win. Although the poor guy looks like he's had a rather bad head injury...which might account for his behavior. 0_o

I think my favorite is 'Gulp'. Ahahahahaha, those eyes. I'd be scared too, if I were locked in a display case with these wrecks!

Your commentary is divine.

Anonymous said...

I so want a green ""WwwhhaaaLLAA OOOAaAaaHHhhH!" monster cake for my birthday later this month!

Hil x

Anonymous said...

Didn't need the link- I'm one hippy frood :) Thanks for the great post today- we're truly lol'ing over here.

Anonymous said...

yeah well I read "underwear crime series" and the post took on a whole new meaning.

*blushes*

Angelina Krell said...

HAHAHA! Oh my gosh! There's not enough penicillin in the world to get rid of those crabs..

Kristen C. said...

Oh my gosh! Now I feel like a COMPLETE loser! While on vacation at the beach last summer my kids and I picked up one of those crab cakes (much like #1) bc we thought it was ADORABLE!!! Lol! We loved it! :)

Anonymous said...

"Crazy Lou" cracked me up! Thanks for keeping me laughing!

Eleanor said...

AAAHHHHHHHaaaaaa! This is one of the funniest one yet!

Anonymous said...

Your writing of the "story" was fabulous!

Amanda said...

Okay, the twins ARE adorable. The rest, though.. what's with the trend of making them all look evil/mischievous? They're all like >=) GONNA GET US

Amanda said...

Oh, and @Colette: Puh-leeeze! If they messed up a cute, fairly simple little crab, I'd love to see what they could do with the Aries ram! Imagine!

teri said...

The only problem with this site is that my co-workers don't get it. They have no clue why I sit at my desk laughing like an idiot at a bunch of cakes. It's ok though- I get it and I know a lot of other people do too! :D
Crazy Lou FTW BTW! :P

Anonymous said...

Okay, that was awesome. Jen, you rock!

Meve said...

Crazy Lou had me laughing out loud!!

I can't wait for the crab crew's next adventure against Sharktopus!

drgns4vr said...

WV= mench. one of those verb tenses for munch. When it came time to defeat the evil octopus, all the crabs had to do was grab him and mench.

Tonya said...

Too funny. Who would want a crab cake? My fave is Mr. Blue though. :)

Big Bad Blog Writer said...

"Squid roe" is hilarious on at least ten levels. Bwahaha!

BADKarma! said...

Aw, C'mon... Crazy Lou can't help it. Did you SEE the size of that brain tumor??!??!!

Bekah said...

H2G2 FTW! Yes!

Anonymous said...

One of your best commentaries!

Meagan said...

you need your poetry appreciation chair!

Charly said...

Squid Roe? (very loud groan) Now you've done it. My philodendron just turned ashy and wilted, and my dog is clawing at the door to escape.

tsunamicharly

Rachel H. said...

Squid Roe! *snortlaugh*

Elliedear said...

My husband is off on a deployment and I'm having a hard time adjusting to the quiet here at home... but I read your posts every day. Today especially had me tearing up I was laughing so hard. Thanks for breaking up the monotony for me and bringing a smile to a Navy Wife's face when I needed it most! :0)

Lisa said...

Love the octopodes as well! And I thought I was the only one.

Lessa said...

I always a love a good Douglas Adams reference!

Heide said...

AAAaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhh! Vogon poetry! *slowly dying........slowly dying LAUGHING!*

Love this!

Lisa said...

FEEEEET! yuck!

Janelle said...

I'm so in love with Crazy Lou! How could he not make you laugh? I so want him for my next birthday cake!

Anonymous said...

Oh man, and I thought the crabs on "Deadliest Catch" were ugly... a couple of these guys look as if they might've been sloshing around in the hold of a crab fishing vessel a little tooooo long!

wv: dishalve: to try to put the cake back together after hacking it in half from fright.

Merry from Annie's Book Stop

Allison said...

I almost started laughing out loud IN CLASS when I saw the Crazy Lou cake. LOL! Thanks for the laugh!

DaMamaJama said...

Yeah, I actually really like Doc Oc (pic #2) - quite adorable for a CCC. I'm very fond of Prof. Knowsitall (Pic #8) as well - I'd really like getting either of for my birthday (Sept 7, hint hint, nudge nudge)

Natalie Grace said...

Is it at all possible we could talk you into doing some extra research and finding a whole post's-worth of Hitchhiker's Guide cakery?? That would be sheer genius - just like Douglas Adams. If you've already done this, I guess I deserve to have some Vogon poetry read to me...

Robin said...

I love that the half-round Sheriff and Dr. Knowitall are both labelled "yellow". Those lily-livered fools. They'll never defeat Dr. Octopus that way.

Elizabeth said...

Is it just me, or are the half-oval crab cakes made from easter egg cake forms? They seem a little uneven, one side of the body thinner than the other...

Stoich91 said...

And Crazy Lou!

Bwahahaha ROTFL! :D This is one of the best cakewrecks posts ever, and the other posts are hard to beat! I LOVE IT! Gah, the *suspense!* :) What will happen next? Maybe bakeries will stop making mutant crab cakes (crab?! really? what celebration calls for that? "Hey, sweetie, it being that time of the month and all, and you feeling so crustacean-like...well, I thought I'd buy you a ca-AHHGH!") cakes and turn their focus to fine-tuning their Picasso-like art skills!

Caff said...

Sorry, I didn't catch that. When is the next episode?


Crazy Lou is my hero.

TychaBrahe said...

Crazy Lou looks like Azathoth from The Adventures of Lil' Cthulhu.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOHJUrcVdJk (about 2:20)

essbee said...

Piling on to the "yay for correct use of Greek plural" bus. Love to the octopodes...and if there was any one blogger I'd peg as a shoo-in for getting that one right, it would be Jen.

There should be a secret handshake or something.

krystina said...

*holding head* i just realized that I had been missing all these "fabulous" cakes! something with changing something, then Jen said the readers wouldn't change, and I believed her, so I didn't think anything of it, but it did, and I haven't read any cake wrecks since july 17th!!!

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Actually like #1. Sort of Emo Crab...

And, I like #6... Now THAT is my kind of Quintopuss

Gossamer said...

What in the world is wrong with crazy Lou's head? Are his brains leaking out?!?

AliceBlue said...

Oh, the Vogonity!

Amanda said...

*sigh* At least 10% got the Vogon reference. I adore you Jen!

Kaaren said...

Ah! I needed a laugh. That was great!

pam said...

Is it wrong that Crazy Lou made me smile?



WV: aphan: Even though he made me smile, I am not aphan of the wreckerator.

Lisa Stone said...

Oh sweet Mary on a pogo stick, you have killed me. Again.

Anonymous said...

Crazy Lou actually made me draw back from my monitor. Also, love the Hitchhiker's reference.

Amy said...

OMG, that is my favorite poem too!

msyendor said...

I like it. Some of the words I didnt understand, but some of the imagery was quite effective. Interesting decorative devices which seem to counterpoint the underlying metaphore of Humani-, oh, sorry, caketivity of the cakewrecker's soul.

Poor Lou. He was probably once an poetry editor.

EugeneTeam said...

I'm starting to lose faith in humanity. Seriously.

shikishinobi said...

So if the crabs lose, does that mean we have Crab Patties?
More importantly, what documentories were they watching before making these cakes? Crabs are not the same shape as Kirby. They tend to be a lot flatter. Seriously, they look like Kirby with mutation. Fat, pink and with added lobster claws (with varying degrees of fail) and odd expressions.

Audrey said...

How are you SO funny EVERY single day? You made me snort milk out my nose.

Jaime said...

Triple points for Hitchhiker humor on top of everything else. Brava, Jen!

Anonymous said...

what are bakers smoking these days?

Anonymous said...

Best. Post. Ever.

Catherine said...

I think CCC in the second picture is really kind of cute (I can't believe I'm saying that about a CCC).

Anonymous said...

That was by the far the FUNNIEST Cakewrecks EVER! Hilarious as usual, but even more deliciously ridiculous!

Lily said...

I love Shark Week, I feel this is an ode.

Rachael said...

AWESOME. that is all :)

Anonymous said...

Jeez ya slay me Jen! I love your puns...squid roe!! Priceless!

Thanks for the smiles...and guffaws! :D

Claire said...

I think I woke up my husband when I saw Crazy Lou because I was laughing so much. Oh my cow this was the funniest thing I've read in a while, and I needed the laughs. The cakes fit the commentary so impeccably.

"Gulp." Priceless.

Arlene said...

Lol Crazy Lou sort of resembles an insane Jar Jar Binks. Now that would have been hilarious if that was what he looked like. Just cannot stop laughing like a mad hyena right now lol.

Robert said...

i don't know about you guys, but i *want* a crazy lou.

Janelle said...

How to we start a Crazy Lou fan club anyway? He has kept me laughing all day!!!!

Jessica said...

Uh, Lou, your um toupee seems to be slipping. Er, is that part of your head? Ew...

Craig said...

Doctopus (couldn't resist the mash-up): now that's a sardonic smile! Yikes!

I knew the Vogons were lurking nearby -- all that "Resistance is Futile!" stuff made me think of a Constructor Ship before a Borg cube. Ah, the poetry of Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz.

I'm sure the Dentrassis make awesome cakes. Douglas, you are missed.

Julie said...

Possibly my favorite post on here EVER. Crazy Lou cracked me up!

WV: Shloclyt. "Some shloclyt Crazy Lou on fire!"

Ingeborg said...

Hahhaa, I completely lost it when Crazy Lou appeared, and then the gibberish written below. There was a lot of crazy mental pictures going on there. LOLLL. oooh, Crazy Lou. *shakes head*

Anonymous said...

LMAO.........As much as I enjoy seeing all the beautiful and not so beautiful cakes on this new blog I've found, I also enjoy the commentary immensely!

I shall not get crabby today! :p

Anonymous said...

I think the last one is supposed to be Mr Scatterbrain from the Mr Men cartoons.

John & Jennifer Savage said...

Crazy Lou is my favorite.

Jennifer said...

I think Dr. Octopus strongly resembles Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Kandice said...

And who says crabs are a bad thing? Bravo on the commentary well played as usual!

Michael said...

Yay for Vogon poetry! Lol Sounds like a fun show.

Gigi said...

Not only was that post hysterical but then you end it with a Douglas Adams reference???? Suddenly I feel like maybe I write cake wrecks and I just don't know it. Awesome.

diddleymaz said...

The last one is Mr Messy! from Roger Hargreaves Mr Men.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._Men

Stickler said...

The fact that you said octopodes instead of octopi made my day. Someone else who knows that it's Greek, not Latin!!!!

emzmingo said...

Amazing, as always!

I thought the "Sheriff" was really cute. It reminds me of Calcifer from the movie Howl's Moving Castle!

Wolvie Girl said...

It looks like someone rended all those cakes in the gobberworts with their blurglecruncheon.

wv: roiten - Vogons are bad at roiten poetry, but not as bad as Grunthos the Flatulent.

Anonymous said...

Love, love, love Crazy Lou. Does he know he got shot in the head?

Uma tal de Patrícia said...

Is the 4th one the love child of the Cookie Monster and an octopus?

Debbie Barr said...

I thought "Gulp" was kind of cute... if his limbs were in the right spot.

JRW said...

Maybe #2 was meant to be Admiral Ackbar.

In which case, of course, it's still a hopeless Wreck.

Melanie said...

Jen, if I didn't already love you, I would love you. Vogon poetry? See, pure awesomeness.

Jason said...

the only thing missing was the agrajag cake wreck (in his final "kill arthur dent body").

Allicat said...

"Oh fruddled grunt-buggly,
Thy micturations are to me
As lurgid grattlebottoms in a turgid bee.
Groop! I emplore thee my footling turlingdrome
And hooptiously drangle me in the gobberwords with my blurdletruncheon
See if I don't."
Apologies if I have any of it wrong. That was from memory.
And I wonder why I'm failing my degree.

Speaking of degrees I am immensely glad to see so many glorious cephalopod puns in there! I warn you now, I will be stealing those for some of my presentations!

Tina said...

Is that Meatwad?

Mimi said...

Jen, you are amazing. Seriously. That was hilarious XD Love the HHGTTG reference too; it fits perfectly!

Rascalmom said...

Jen, you are my hero for loving Hitchhiker's silliness:)

Tricia Macmillian said...

Forty two. Your Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy reference just made my day. So long, and thanks for all the fish!!(Actuallly works here!)

Anonymous said...

The look on the seventh one's face was actually kind of adorable.