Wreckies Of The Month

It's been far too long since I featured you, my faithful henchpersons! So, without further ado, here are the Wreckies among you who've succeeded in making me smile this past month.

As always, the Naked Mohawk Baby Carrot Jockeys continue to dominate. Here Angela M's sister made her a whole armada for her birthday:



And "Another Jen" and her friend Darla made this diverse "Cornucopia Rodeo" for their desks:

Banana and corn jockeys? I guess the little guys are branching out.


Yet another Jennifer had these made for her daughter's 14th birthday:

[singing] "I believe the children are our fuuuuture.
Teach them well and LET them wreck the waaay..."

Good work, Jennifer.


Duncan S. stayed up just a little too late reading the wreckage, and got inspired to draw a few hilariously wrecktacular pictures:




Hah! Nice job, Duncan.
(And thank you for putting a diaper on the cowboy jockey. No, really. Thank you.)


One of the book-exclusive Wrecks got some love this month:

Katelynn S. made this for her birthday. Since I hear she's prone to shouting "Nappy Blob Blob!" at other people's birthday parties, I find this only appropriate.

And here's Danielle Q.'s version, which she made for one of her fellow pastry chefs:

Wow, that jockey has some seriously orange hair. Nice.

Wrecky henchperson (wrenchperson? henchky?) Cat T. decided to try her hand at cake decorating. So what did she choose to make for her very first decorated cake? Why, this, of course:

Hee. Ahee. Hee.

And finally, I got a real kick out this e-mail from Hannah:

"I am a government employee working overseas, and part of my job duties include acting as chief coordinator when we have VIP visitors in my city. A few weeks ago I was working with a high-level government official...(and) our schedule included lunch with a major world religious leader, who found out that it was the official's birthday. The religious leader produced a cake that was, by all accounts, incredibly delicious. However, as soon as I saw it, all I could think was CAKE WRECK!!

So let's recap: I'm sitting at a table with the spiritual leader of several hundred million people around the world and a high-powered go-to guy in DC who could destroy my career in one phone call... and I can't stop snorting into my napkin in an attempt to pass my laughter off as bad allergies.

I hope you're happy with yourself."


Me? Happy?

Aw, you better believe it.

-------------------------------------------------------------

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: yesterday's winner!

Actually, your one-liner entries were so good that I decided to pick *three* winners. And they are [drum roll, please] :

Jenniffer ("Now Dolphin-Free!"), Lynn ("Get used to disappointment."), and
Dolores ("In some foreign countries this is actually a compliment.")!

Congrats, ladies! Please e-mail me with your addresses & any special requests for the personalization.

And since I'm sure most of you didn't read through all 1000+ comments yesterday, I've added a bunch of my favorites to the end of yesterday's post. Be sure to check 'em out!

Why On Earth Did You Buy THAT?

Oh.


Well, ok, then.

Seriously, I think I've just found my new favorite Wreckerator here. Way to work to your product's strengths, my friend! In fact, if you need any more ideas, I have a few suggestions:

"It beats jello"

"95% of diets fail anyway"

"Cheaper than therapy"

"It was this or rhubarb pie."

"The end MIGHT be nigh"

Ok, that's all I've got. Have anything better? Then gimmie your best 1-line Wreck sales pitch in the comments, and tonight I'll randomly select someone who makes me laugh to win a signed copy of Cake Wrecks, the book:
.

Only $5.20 on Amazon! Woot! Stock up!

I'll announce the winner in tomorrow's post, so check back then.

Now, quick, go BE FUNNY. Chop chop!


UPDATE: Here are some of my favorite entries so far, in case you don't feel like scrolling through the 1000+ comments:

"Now Dolphin Free!" - Jenniffer

"Think of the laughs you'll get" - Anony 10:09

"You could always send this to Cake Wrecks" - TechyDad

"Eatable" - Kathyrn R.

"Mostly Harmless" - Cat Beiber

"Get Used To Disappointment" - Lynn

"My Other Cake Has A Witty Saying On It" - Tessa Beers

"D***n it, Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a cake decorator!" - Becky@whatslifewithoutwhimsy

"It's not as old as it looks" - Jen (3:44pm)

"I quit" - Donna

"It was this or death" - M.A.

"Think of the children" - Tracy

"Like you could do any better." - Tami

"The bananas in your cart look lonely." - Charlie's Mom

"As seen on Cake Wrecks!" - Ashley

"We only would have screwed up your custom cake order, anyway." - Julie

"Don't act like you've never settled before." - Bryan & Jessica

"In some foreign countries this is actually a compliment." - Dolores

"Suck it, Trebek." - Janebabes

It's Always the Quiet Ones

Let's say, hypothetically speaking, that you turned in some important paperwork to your boss or teacher, and on that paperwork you had doodled pictures of yourself wearing either a halo or devil horns, and a clown floating in the clouds above you, looking on.

Do you suppose your boss/teacher might then call you in for a little chat? You know, just to see how the ol' home life was going? Maybe see if you needed anything, support and/or prescription-wise?

Because, as you may have guessed, this really isn't a purely hypothetical question.

I don't know what's going on here, but I fear for the dog's future.

In fact, from the looks of things I'd say a few of these wreckerators are one more "That's Karl with a Q" away from a destructive binge that ends with them pole-vaulting the counter and riding the floor waxer out in a blaze of glory.

"Go ahead, punk. Tell me you want sprinkles again."

So here's an idea, bakeries: Why not hire a psychologist to come in every now and then, you know, just to browse through the cakes? That way, when something like this pops up:

He or she will know it's time to schedule another stress seminar.


Or even to stage some kind of intervention:

"I don't get it; all I asked for was a birthday cake!"

Or - and I'm just spit-balling here - maybe to alert the proper authorities:

Um. Yeeeeah. When dark oily shadow blobs start sweet talking the customers, I'd say another sexual harassment seminar might be in order.

Don't worry, Amy W., Katie M., Magic Girl, Krystal K., & Kate F.; I hear they serve cake at those.

Name That Wreck!

I grew up with friends named Shannyn, Jesica, Jaison, and Aiyrunn, so I'm used to spelling names all "modern" and "stupid-like." Still, this is getting ridiculous.

Maybe it's Russian?

Well, at least they spelled "Birlhday" right.

We really hope Uncle Boon likes his cake; it was a joint effort.

When you're weeding out the bad cakes, shouldn't this one be high on the list?
(And does anyone else have the munchies?)

Ah, finally, a cake that describes the cake's consistency AND the birthday girl's skin tone:

Still, it kinda pales in comparison with other cakes, doesn't it?

Do you think this cake contains nuts?

Because it certainly has the berries. (HEY-O!)

Meghan, Michelle R., Matt A., and John C., I'm glad you all have pretty standard names, since now I have to have our intern, Gaffudga Selph (she's French), send out an apology for my insulting all of the Aiyrunns out there.

UPDATE: From the desk of Ms. G. Selph:

Dear Reader,

Please note that the authors and employees of Cake Wrecks™ and all of its subsidiaries, including but not limited to Cake Wrecks Footwear™ and Cake Wrecks Plumbing and Air Conditioning™, in no way mean to imply or construe that any or all names used in today's post are in any way, shape, or form "stupid-like." (Even those that are.) We apologize for any confusion.

Sincerely,

Gaffudga Selph

The Rainbow Connection

Whoa, that's a full rainbow!

All the way...

Double rainbow! Oh my gosh...

It's a double rainbow all the way...

So intense!

Whoah, whoah oh my gosh oh my gosh...

WOOO!! YEAH!!!

It's starting to look like a TRIPLE rainbow!

Ohhh YEEEAH!!!

It's full on: double rainbow across the sky!

[sobbing]


It's so bright and vivid.

[random windchimes]

What does this mean?

[groaning]

[possible climax]

[more sobbing]


It's so beautiful!!

[still more sobbing]

[sniffling] Oh my gosh...


It's a double complete rainbow - ah ah ah ahhhh!

What does it mean?

Erin G., Sarv, Lindsay W., Emily M., Amanda L., Katherine M., Kayla D., & Ruth S., these Wrecks are for the lovers, the dreamers, and this guy.

(I'm also rather partial to the autotune version.)

Conventional Wisdom

It's possible that I just spent the last four days relentlessly Twitter-stalking everyone at San Diego Comic Con. Possible. You can't prove it. What do you mean, when did I shower last? I'm going for an authentic experience here! Gimmie back my Funyuns.

Anyway, coming down off a convention high - even one acquired vicariously through social networking sites - requires a gradual withdrawal. Yesterday's Sweets helped a little, but really, they were just too good. I need a visual sucker punch to knock me back into reality, you know?

Theeere it is.

Convention...high...evaporating....


And for that final cold blast of reality, this should fit the Bill:

"Oh nooooo!"


I could probably end there, but frankly, this is too much fun.


First rule of cons: always pick a costume that's size-appropriate:

This also applies with cake kits.


Second rule of cons: a lone mask does not a costume make.

Come to think of it, that *also* applies to cakes. And cookies.


Third rule of cons: Lace is never intimidating.

"Join me, Luke, and together we can rule the galaxy as father and...what? What's so funny? Why are you laughing?

"Is it the doily? It is, isn't it? Hutt nuts, I told Palpatine no one would take me seriously in this thing."

And finally, the Na'vi Nazis are here to show us what happens when you mix your sci-fi references:

See, I told them not to open that ark. [shudder] Blech.

Thanks, Deborah, Laux, Shawn F., Tharry, Lizzy S., Julie Anne D., & Shanell C.! See y'all at Dragon*Con. ;)

Note from john: The first cake is supposed to be Iron Man. We think. Most likely. Probably. Okay I'm like 63% sure.

Nappy Blob Blob Katelynn!

Sunday Sweets: Comic Con Relief

As you may know, the San Diego Comic Con has been taking over the interwebs this weekend with its superhero spandex and glorious geekery. Now, John and I are not at Comic Con, but in its honor, here are some Sweets to help you get your geek on.

Submitted by Christine C., & made by the amazing Courtney of Cake Nouveau

I hear this thing's so much bigger on the inside, it can feed thousands.

Sub'd by Eleri H., & made by Kierra Windsong

Um. I've never played Myst before. So...ah...hey! Cool little traffic cones!

One thing about Comic Con: they always debut the latest video games there.

By Highland Bakery

I hear this one really steps it up.

Here's something you usually only see at conventions: multiples of the same sexy female character.

Sub'd by Clem B., baker unknown

And you thought it was going to be a slave Leia cake.

Lots of Mad Hatters running around this year:

Sub'd by Michael S., made by Cake and Art Bakery

Check it out: that is ALL icing - no fondant! Who knew? It CAN be done!


This character is a real con regular - not to mention a regular con:

Submitted & made by Ammar M., a baker in Pakistan!

Again, fondant-free. It's so cool when artists paint with icing.

Zombies tend to crop up a lot at conventions, too. Must be all the big brains there. ;)

Made by Michael L. and his wife. Progress pics at the link.

This is a wedding cake. A zombie wedding cake.

See?

You're welcome.

If that looks familiar, it's probably reminding you of this famous zombie wedding cake:

This is CW reader Noble R.'s wedding cake, made by Mike's Amazing Cakes

Admit it: the fact that there are now multiple zombie wedding cakes in the world is kind of awesome.


Then there's the Anime cosplay:

Sub'd by Katy, made by Signature Sugar Art

Now that's using your head.

Also, note how appropriate it is that I put the brain/head cake *after* the zombies. Eh?

And lastly, do you think this is an ice cream cake?

Sub'd by Corey, made by Charm City Cakes (aka Ace of Cakes)

You know, 'cuz he's frozen?

Yes? No? Is that groan a "yes?"

Me: "I love cake!"

John: "I know."

Have a Sweet to nominate? Then send it to Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Possibly the Most Depressing Cake I Have Ever Seen

Ah, birthdays: A time of celebration, friends, cake, and, of course...

...dying animals.

Notice how, even if the elephant were able to escape the tar pit/Swamps of Sadness, there's a lion coming over to finish him off. See, that kind of thing sends a message. A message that says,

A) this baker has clearly never seen The Neverending Story, and

B) "Don't forget the tissues, Mom & Dad, 'cuz this'll make little Suzie cry for sure."


Josh W., I may or may not be having Artax flashbacks, and I may or may not need some of those tissues. Also, John won't stop singing The Circle of Life. That's definitely not helping.

Wrecky Roughage

According to this survey I'm about to make up, 74% of us don't get enough fiber in our diets. Unless you're British. In which case you don't get enough fibre. And you spell things wrong.

Fortunately, the bakeries of the world are here to help.

I think we'll call this Faeber.

I DO believe in Faeber. I do, I do!!

TRUE STORY: Last week our cat Tonks decided to eat a piece of ribbon because she is, by all accounts, an idiot. Now if you're a cat owner, you know that she will most likely end up dragging a two foot piece of poo-coated ribbon across our carpet while we sleep, blissfully unaware of the impending cleaning bills.

Which makes me wonder: Does the same thing happen with kids?

Admit it: you just had a mental image of a bunch of toddlers scootching their butts across the carpet.

Now, of course, if plastic is your fiber of choice, then have I got a cake for you!

It's like a cartoon colonic.

In fact, bakers really seem to be embracing the Dollar Depot movement: (Heh. "Movement.") Case in point: Ashley ordered a little boy's cake, something appropriate for a first birthday.

Aaaand this is what she got:

...'cuz nothing's more appropriate for a one-year-old than twenty-two individual choking opportunities.

"No, Palmer, Sweetie, you can't eat that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. No! Not that! Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Whoah! Definitely not that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Or that. Maybe th...no, not that, either.

"Or that."

Diana F., Kasia R., Wicked Princess, & Ashley P., I think the brown sprinkles might be safe, if you want to chance it.

Update from john: Just so we're clear, we are watching Tonks 24/7 and the minute something seems off, we'll take out a second mortgage and head to the vet. Until then, if you need me, I'll just be over here sifting poop...