Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I Eat Terror For Breakfast

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Assuming "terror" is another word for cake, of course.

Which, at least with these cakes, I'm pretty sure it is.

Sure, this may look like a fuzzy potato wearing a Skeletor mask and a literal banana hammock, but I think it's supposed to be a monkey. (Yes, a monkey.) Which kinda makes Shara's Curious George Wreck look positively cuddly by comparison, huh?


Still, it could've been worse. That banana hammock could have been made with these:

Peeling Lucky, punk?

Well, I wouldn't advise it; Lucky here has one nasty split personality.
(She gets it from hanging out with a bunch of sour grapes.)


Hey bakers, do you have too many customers? Is the constant stream of business interfering with your "me time"? Tired of making all those cakes? No problem!! Now you can scare those paying customers off with THE FACE OF PURE EVIL™!

"I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE.
(OH, AND TRY THE ECLAIRS. THEY'RE DELISH.)"


Alice, Baily A., & Liz B., these Wrecks aren't boaring you, are they?

- Related Wreckage: I Call Fowl
Taylor@MyOlderBrothers said...

Cake #1 - Are they preserving the rotted corpse of Mr. Peanut?
Cake #2 looks like a banana version of Ursula from The Little Mermaid.
Cake #3 - Put a wig on it and it’s that scene from Saw.

Pink Toads said...

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.....-I'm scared now. And imagine the amount of dye on that last...thing....Ehough to make you hurl if you haven't already.
Word veri.-fruneev. Guys, these cakes aren't fruneev....

bassgirl said...

Is that last one a pig head or horse head? We either have Lord of the Flies or The Godfather movie #1. Either way, EEK!

Kelly said...

The banana reminds me of a mix of Mr T and the Chiquita banana cartoon lady.

The boar's head is TERRIFYING!!!!!

DebbraSue said...

Now this is the stuff of recurring nightmares!!

The boar's head looks like the eyes follow you when you look at it carefully.

*SHUDDER*
**DOUBLE SHUDDER**

The Momma said...

Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh (runs away screaming in utter terror at the pig head cake)

Marie said...

Who would order a pig head cake?? yikes! I mean, what are they celebrating?

MelindaB65 said...

The last cake must be part of a series called, "Great Works of Literature in Cake." Perhaps "Lord of the Flies" wasn't the best choice for inclusion.

WV: linsup--Wreckerators don't always ensure that the writing on the cake linsup.

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else see a dead California Raisin on the first cake?

jo said...

What's with the green butterfly wings and poo branches on Mr. Well-endowed Potato? The feminine banana I just don't get. (Cross-dresser's birthday cake?)

The last one looks like it came from the meat department. Until I saw the pretty fondant cake to the left. ew. Why would you want to order a pig face? or maybe this is a really small store and there's a little cross-contamination going on in that case....

wv antshe: these cakes are making me so nervous I'm getting antshe.

Anonymous said...

the boar head cake makes me think of the melting boar in princess mononoke.

duffylou said...

What occasion would possibly include a boars head on a radish laden platter? It makes my tummy gurgle at the mere thought.

Have.to.turn.away.

Anonymous said...

WOW! How clever of the baker to realise that there is a market for dominatrix banana cakes!

Chrystalline said...

That first one kinda looks like a Hollow.

postJazz said...

Despite it being terrifying, if the last cake could speak I just think it would be enormously camp...

Melis said...

OMG I have been searching high and low for the perfect cake for my "Lord of the Flies" themed party for my 3 year old! You've found it! Bravo!

VeggieT said...

"And now let's all sing together a traditional english Christmas carol Ahem...

The Boar's head in hand bear I bidect with bays and rosemary!..."

True Story

Cheryl said...

Ok...my first thought on that banana cake....Michael Jackson....

Anonymous said...

@duffylou: Like you, I'm baffled by the radishes. WHY RADISHES? Why?!?

Here's a tip to future decorators: cake and radishes -- they don't mix.

Allen's Brain said...

I actually kind of like the last cake. Maybe you would serve it at a RenFaire or other medieval-themed dinner? My first thought was the "Boar's Head Carol":
"The boar's head in hand bear I,
"Bedecked with sage and rosemary..."

wackplayer said...

OOoh, pig's head cake. What a good way to curb the appetite. Unless you have a suckling pig present, you won't have to cater much at THAT party.

Via said...

Haha it may be disturbing, but the pig head is actually pretty well done!

Rock 'n' Nails! said...

The last cake is creepy... imagine you see a yummy roasted pig, take a slice of if and it tastes like... wait a minute...CAKE?? What's next, meat pie with sprinkles and buttercream on the outside? :D :D

Anonymous said...

When I was in a Renaissance music ensemble, we were hired every year to play at a Boar's Head feast. Every year, they brought out the boar's head on a platter and sang a song about the boar's head. Judging by the looks of it, they used the same boar's head every year.

Perhaps I should recommend Baker #3 to them since the ol' boar's head was getting a bit shabby after years of use. At least they could eat it after the feast...

Anonymous said...

Is it just me, or is the most terrifying part of that first cake the... erm... "tree trunks"? AUGH!

As to that other two? OHDEARLORD MY EYYYYYES!!!

Jenna said...

I did not see bananas on the creepy potato-monkey cake.

I saw a yellow foot.

{shudder}

Martin said...

The boar's head cake (#3) is remarkably well-executed, if you can get past the cognitive dissonance of "boar's head" and "cake" describing the same item.

Anonymous said...

Heh. On the "monkey" cake, I thought the yellow things were feet, not banana bunches, until I read your commentary! (Take a look at the middle one and especially the one in the upper left - looks like it has some gnarly toes and a really big toe nail!) Makes it seem quite surreal. :-)

I'd love to know what the baker was thinking when he/she decided to make a boar's head cake!

Terry Lee said...

two things come to mind:

1. those are definitely poo tree trunks on wreck #1

2. bananas ought never to wear lipsick and mascara. it's just not done.

Anonymous said...

I think I understand what's going on with that last one. It's for a "Lord of the Flies" themed birthday party. The kid who loses at pin the tail on the donkey gets crushed by a giant rock.

--Beth

shikishinobi said...

A turd in a skeletor mask, a banana with the face of a western movie 'gal' and some strange head. It looks like the red villain (name lost) form the Powerpuff Girls. It might be the cakes form hell, but at least we can make fun of them.

deckardcanine said...

At least the banana cake is pretty carefully done. It took me a while to realize that the tomb-like monkey had his little arms in front of him to hold a bunch of bananas. I thought he was wearing a yellow foot for a necklace.

Kathryn H said...

What exactly do you do to icing to make it look like roasted animal skin? Nevermind. Don't wanna know.
And, and...radishes? Hm. Radishes.

em said...

The third cake reminds me of the pig heads I used to see around the holidays, when we'd get a full roasted pig, complete with a head. The only thing missing is the apple in its mouth. So...it kind of made me feel nostalgic. I have to admit, it *does* look pretty realistic.

Kimberly Chapman said...

Granted, a boar's head cake is kind of creepy out of context, but if there was a good context for it, I wouldn't consider it a wreck. Like maybe some pub called Boar's Head ordered it. Then it'd be kind of cool.

I've made some pretty gory cakes that were highly appreciated in their proper contexts (usually RPG sessions).

Now, if it was something where the decorator went with their own random gory design and the situation didn't call for it, then it'd be a wreck.

Bekah said...

A cake boar's head would certainly be preferable to the real thing. Every year, at a college where I worked, there was a medeival dinner complete with a frozen boar's head. They got a new one every year, which meant that the old one ended up in all kinds of places - including, one year, FACE UP ON THE TOILET SEAT IN MY APARTMENT. I don't think I've ever screamed that loud. It weighed over 30 lbs and was gigantic. I wish it had been cake, instead of thawing nasty pork.

marcyw said...

I'm just guessing here, but that pigs head might actually be really good! In World of Warcraft (10 million players, online game) there is a giant feast that looks a lot like that! It made me think of it right away so, if that's what they were going for, they did a great job!

Anonymous said...

Oh migration, that last one is really super creepy.

Michelle said...

That's always what I pictured the boar's head in "Lord of the Flies" to look like.

Poor little Simon...

Hae said...

hahhahah taylor I thought the same thing!!!! The last one absolutely terrifies me though...

Melissa said...

Bad puns! Bad! Bad! I'm going to giggle and my coworkers will notice what I'm doing!

arabelle marie said...

Skeletor is so right on!!!1

Can't See Sheep said...

cake #3 Wow! Lord of the Flies cake! I wonder what flavor? Liked the book, the cake, well, I'm not sure, it might be growing on me. The supermarket in the town I grew up in had massive pig's heads for sale every harvest suspended in the freezer section, it could be pretty startling, walk around the corner & bang! Rows of huge pigs heads hung & "looking" back at you. Like the poster above, I could see it at a RenFaire, or for your kids birthday if you find them really, really disturbing. As long as it doesn't taste like head cheese, bleh!

sam said...

After that pig head, the first one aint so bad

Mary T said...

You know that monkey is holding the bunch of bananas like how a bride holds her flowers..

Katie said...

The last one reminds me of the mask from the SAW movies. lol

Anonymous said...

Wow great pig cake there. Perfect for those "Lord of the Flies" themed birthdays all the 10 year old boys are haing these days.

I once fashioned a pig's head out of milk duds and put it on a skewer and brought it to English class. Yeah, that earned me a trip to the Guidance Counselor...

Anonymous said...

"Kneel before the might of Sutekh!"

Trish said...

I have to say, though, if I were a literature teacher who worked for a school that allowed for twisted humor (instead of the usual "Oh God, oh God this kid drew stick figures kicking each other call the therapists!!!"), that hog head cake would be perfect for our end-of-the-semester Lord of the Flies theme party.

Tigerwolf said...

That banana…

…made me think of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gysLH0sCm3c

My apologies to those of you about to lose your sanity.

^..^

WV: sumsetr. That was sumsetr bananas on that scary monkey!

Anonymous said...

I never liked Lord of the Flies, and that last cake is bringing up some bad memories of 8th grade (and 11th)... No. Just, no. *curls up in fetal position crying from the memories*

Anonymous said...

i thought the first one might be one of the singing 'california raisins'; the second one a seductive moon/banana hybrid, and i can only guess that the boar's head is for a luau, or maybe for the 'boars head' meat company's annual employee party.
-helen
wv: persness- 'will the persness who made these cakes please consider early retirement?'

Anonymous said...

Finally I have a go-to baker for my upcoming parties celebrating The Godfather, Seven, Sleepy Hollow and Mars Attacks! Think they could also handle The Man With Two Brains?

Anonymous said...

You know, I think that pig is actually foaming at the mouth a little. . .

Liz in Seattle

Jenn said...

Why does the third cake remind me of "Loed of the Flies?"

:D

Jenn

Karen from the Cape said...

'Moisturize me!' The second cake reminds me of Cassandra, the Last Human in Doctor Who.

Amber said...

I think the first one is supposed to be a Wild Thing from "Where The Wild Things Are." Of course, it looks that Wild Thing would like to eat us...

dextrouslefty said...

Chiquito, the hot new fashion designer, sued the tabloid yesterday for referring to his new line of apparel as "fruity."

Pamela said...

All I can think of with the last cake is, "Kill the pig. Spill her blood. Bash her in."

WV: thling: What is that thling??

jo said...

I never read "Lord of the Flies." Now you've got me curious.

Anonymous said...

I'm guessing that last cake was done for a Boar's Head Yule Log festival, since that is held in early January.

The memory of that first one will help me stick to my post-holiday diet for a long time.

**snicker** My word verification is "sperm".

Michelle said...

Is it just me or does cake #2 look like a drag queen banana? Just sayin'...

MarieA said...

OMG!!! that last one is a relic from the godfather movies isn' it?

It totally made me shudder.
WHAT was someone thinking about?!

Anonymous said...

LOL, "literal banana hammock"! Well said.

Casey said...

Holy scary pig cake.

Laura said...

What's with the radishes?

Aviatrix said...

I think the last cake is fabulous. It allows you to create the impression of a sumptuous royal feast with just one course. And that course is cake!

Anonymous said...

Could the boars head cake actually be an Arkansas Razorback? The way it is laid out on a platter, though, I think this might be the cake the opposing team would order for tailgating, not one the Hog fan would order.

A Mother Heart said...

Is that last one supposed to be for a "Lord of the Flies" party?

michele said...

Our Episcopal Church has a Boars Head Celebration every year. It is a big formal occasion with the symphony and opera singers. There are amazing costumes, and the whole thing is an analogy of the triumph of good over evil (ie, Christ being born into the world). I was recently on vacation and had the opportunity to see a wild boar in the wild, and I can assure you it would make one happy to see its head on a platter! Those things are big, brave, and frightening! But I digress, we use a paper mache boars head but a cake like this would be amazing.

Holly said...

Hey Jen!

Thank you so much for raising money for TWLOHA for Christmas! It is so appreciated and we're putting it toward our IM Alive project, an live online crisis center (more info here: http://www.twloha.com/move/imalive/). We're partnering with the Kristin Brooks Hope Center to get this started.

Right now we are currently in the running to win $1 million from Chase Community Giving to help fund this project, we just need our supporters to vote for us. It's really easy to vote and it takes about 3 seconds...Any help you can provide would be amazing! Tell all of your friends! To vote, go here: http://bit.ly/7si7Be.

Thank you so much! We love your blog (definitely adds some light to our heavy days!)

With Hope,
Team TWLOHA

Melissa (& Billy) said...

Okay, I have a really good imagination but there is no way, no how, that I look at the first cake and see anything having to do with monkeys. Wow. At least it will probably taste good--if it's cake, I'll eat it! =)

LOL that banana is sassy.

The pig's head reminds me of a prop (pig's head from a butcher shop) that we used in a haunted house one year. Bleah!

Anonymous said...

No, Michelle, it's not just you...

Anjie said...

Wow...I actually thought the first one was a cockroach for a minute...

Fanboy Wife said...

These are pretty terrifying!

Lindalou said...

Ewh!! What were they thinking. The pigs head is just awful.

Calfkeeper said...

To me the boar's head resembled what I'd always pictured the cupachabra looked like. Ha.

bibberly said...

Oh, that last one is from the movie Motel Hell, right? "It takes all kinds of critters..."

Buffy said...

That first one reminds me of something from "Happy Gilmore":

"I eat pieces of $#!t like you for breakfast!"

"You eat pieces of $#!t for breakfast?"

WV--speiffi: what these cakes are NOT.

Anonymous said...

Thanks to the caption at the bottom of the Sugary Pig's Head of Horror, I not keep getting a visual of the thing sitting in the window of the bakery yelling random apocalyptic, bakery-themed stuff at people XD

"Prepare to meet you're fondant-covered doom!! NOW GLUTEN FREE!! RAAAAH!!'

Maybe I'm just wierd o.0

Anna said...

i like the banana! its cool! can i have that for my birthday?

The Black Dog said...

Third cake looks like a great diet motivation cake.

Maria said...

That monkey cake is seriously disturbing.

Mary said...

I must be weird because I thought the pig head was pretty cool. Sure would be a talked about center piece.

Abbey said...

That first cake looks like some sort of Death Mask-wearing tree-stump entity. Even for a Death Mask it looks grim. I'm pretty sure I'm going to wake up one night and find that thing watching me through a window.

bats :[ said...

Mary, I agree with you. The boar's head cake is a great subtlety ("illusion food"). It would be welcome at most any S.C.A. event.

Red Wolf said...

Did someone ask for a Lord of the Flies cake or what?

drgns4vr said...

My daughter works for the National Pork Producers and as part of her job, she sends out recipes for things like a whole hog roast, or a Holiday Boar's head (or Head Cheese). I'm sure Cake #3 is not quite what she is looking for.

WV dewari. After looking at the cakes today, we need to have a little more Dewari on the rocks.

ksaldria said...

AHHHH!!!! Lord of the Flies flashbacks! Get it away, get it away! D:

suzanne said...

am i the only one thinking of Lord of the Flies here?

Erica said...

Yikes. Terrible.

Really, I am only posting because of the wv.

wv: derbowle - (in German accent) "The icing on der boars head cake really hurts der bowle."

Mrsblocko said...

My 4 yr old daugher happened to be looking over my shoulder and saw the pig head cake and shouted, "What is that?!!! Is that a cake made out of poop?"

andygirl said...

You know, I've always wondered if Wreckorators read this site. I wonder if they scour it religiously in fear they'll end up on it? And you know what that makes me say? BAHAHAHAHA!

Liz said...

That is some NICE banana bling!

Anonymous said...

Cake #2 looks like a cross-dressing banana stripper.

Sabrina said...

That last one seems a bit Godfather...

Stace said...

The first made me think of Captain Caveman from the cartoons.

Angie said...

I think the first one totally looks like a giant cockroach!

Anonymous said...

The banana cake looks like Michael Jackson.

Culinarychiq said...

Wow that last cake is just frightening. When in the hell would you actually need a roasted pig head cake?

The second cake looks to be the start in a long line of Michael Jackson memorial cakes;)

Bree said...

Remember the Wal-Mart face cake that looked like Lady Cassandra from Doctor Who? Apparently the banana decorator is a fan, because I thought of her when I saw that cake.

The third cake reminds me of the 80's horror movie Motel Hell, where the killer farmer goes after the hero wearing a pig's head carrying a chainsaw:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tlo7JFpqwK0&feature=related

It's about the 2:18 minute mark and in Spanish, but you really don't need the sound. You may not even want to see it either!

Anonymous said...

hahahaha that looks like michael jackson's face on that banana. especially the nose.

Elisabeth Marie said...

#1 I definitely think this one should be in your "#2 way to ruin a cake" post instead
#2 Honestly, when I was originally scrolling down the page I thought this one was going to be Michael Jackson...

Anonymous said...

Face of Evil looks just like Pat Robertson! Haha.

Calli Arcale said...

"I am Sutekh the destroyer! Your evil is my good. And I find these cakes . . . *good*."

So now we know; Sutekh is the god of wreckerators.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pyramids_of_Mars

Nana said...

I dunno - the pig head cake might just be a "sunday sweet." A really creepy, and oddly savory and delicious-looking. Mmmm.... is the filling red velvet?

Kristen said...

That last one looks like the masks we used in college when we did the musical version of Animal Farm.

Lalis said...

That last one is honestly really creepy. I think it's gonna give me nightmares.

Lorinda said...

I'm glad someone else thought of the demon-boar from Princess Mononoke. Needs more eldritch slime-worms, though.

karina said...

I'm with Cheryl... I totally see Michael Jackson in the banana cake, in a creepy, cross-dressing freak kind of way.

Anonymous said...

We sang the boar's head carol every year at boarding school in Latin. I feel like Bertie Wooster--caput something something ferens umpty umpty Domino. Thanks for the reminder.

My butcher in Philadelphia had a pig's head in his window from time to time. You had to be brave to shop there.

Ann said...

I now want an Evil Boar's Head(tm) cake as the Groom's cake at my wedding! Is that wrong? (blinkblink)

dining table said...

I don't think I can eat this stuff. It is more of a nightmare!

Anonymous said...

Banana hammock!!!! BAAHHAAA!! Sorry - I must have been one of the few with my mind in the wrong place.

Anonymous said...

I totally saw a California Raisin first look for cake #1.
See a pic of them

http://www.juegomania.org/California+Raisins,+The/foto/pc/5/5668/5668_c.jpg/Foto+California+Raisins,+The.jpg

~Christina

Anonymous said...

Hey, what about the geeks' worst fears? That pig cake is CLEARLY Ganon, probably from Zelda 2 where the reason you didn't want Link to die was because the monsters would sprinkle his blood on the ashes of Ganon to revive him. (shudder!)

myimaginaryblog said...

What is wrong with me? I kind of love that last one. As in it's pretty to me. And looks delicious.

(And, Anony at 12:12, I can remember more words than that, if not spell them: "Caput apri defero, reddens laudes Domino." Our version then switched to English: "The boar's head in hand bear I, bedecked with bays and rosemary. And I pray thee, Master, merry be, qui estes in convivio."

myimaginaryblog said...

Okay, so I took another look, and no, it's not pretty. But I still kind of love it.

LA Red said...

Monkey see,,, Monkey doodoo...

Amz said...

Hey Jen,
Love the site.
For some reason, the last couple of posts aren't showing up on Google Reader. I have to physically click the link to come to your site -- which I don't mind terribly, but would like to have remedied if it is possible.
Did you get a new Web format that Google doesn't recognize? (Or something else that sounds tech-smart but which I really have no clue about.)
Yours,
Amie

Amy said...

The pig cake..too real for me! And in cake form? Come on!!

Amy B-H

Katie said...

Ha, I think you missed a captioning opportunity. That last cake looks like the Lord of the Flies.

Suz said...

I really thought the first one was a cockroach. Ewwwww.

Jamie said...

"Medium" just came on the tv, which I am not paying attention to, and it's not exactly a comedy. My husband just walked in, to see me chuckling quietly, my body shaking a little. Then I burst into laughter and tears. He said "are you looking at cakes again?" Ha! Yes, yes I was. He knows, this site is my happy place. Thank you :)

flynn said...

these are really brilliant! they could have been requested; maybe someone asked for a film noir villain banana woman or a lord of the flies cake.

Anonymous said...

This belongs in your Doctor Who section It's Sutekh from Pyramids of Mars

JKS said...

My guess is that the boar's head is to celebrate the New Year. It's a central European tradition (I know it from Austria) to eat pig's head for luck on New Year's Day. Thanks anyway... I'll have the cake instead!

Noor Bakhtari said...

The cakes with funny messages made laugh a lot. Drawing on a sheet of paper and then writing your exact message, is a better idea to give it to the bakery.

Jenn said...

Hey Jen, my 5 year old just announced the 1st cake was in fact Captain Caveman!

Why no I don't force them to watch Teletoon Retro so I can see *my* cartoons.:)

BloodyWits said...

I think the pig cake is AWESOME, but I'm really curious as to what kind of cake it is. Somebody said Red Velvet...that would be entertaining.

Anonymous said...

The last one is OBVIOUSLY a Lord of the Flies Cake. Seriously, who wouldn't want one of those right?