Thursday, November 26, 2009

In Which Happy Tanks SHOULD Be Given, But Are Not

Thursday, November 26, 2009

My dear Wreckies, there are so many ways I could wish you a happy Thanksgiving today.

I could forget how it's spelled:

Tranksgiven? Hanksgiven?
Well, thank goodness for the poo tornado; how else would we know what the occasion is?


Sprinkles: they fix everything.

If you work in communications, I could get you a poo turkey and misspell your department name:

Isn't it ironic?

I could put a military spin on things:

I won't lie to you: I'm quite disappointed with the distinctly un-tank-like strawberries here.

I could try to avoid the spelling hazards in "thanksgiving" by skipping the word all together:

Although I suspect this isn't so much a lack of spelling ability as a general stinginess with letters; notice we only get a single "greeting."

I could remind you of the dangers of overeating:

"No, turkey, don't do it! You're beautiful just the way you are!"

Oh! Or here's an idea: I could avoid actual decorating all together, and use a mound of Dollar Store flotsam chucked in your cake's general direction to convey the appropriate sentiment:

The sentiment being "May you choke on a tiny plastic pilgrim," of course.

Or, I could simply assault you with a visage of such horror that nightmares of it may well plague you for the rest of your natural-born life:

[nodding] Yeah, I think I'll go with that. Seems the most memorable.



Theresa, Michelle H., Becky O., Denise M., Mike A., Chris O., & Vicky J., fingers crossed that you each get a "happy tank" today.


- Related Wreckage: Teasers for the Coming Seasons

Note- For those of you pointing it out, yes we do know that Autumn is misspelled. That's kind of the point.
Frigglesnitz said...

The last one is a tribute to the 1st turkey dinner in Ancient Egypt served to the pharaohs- of course it's a Sphinx Turkey cake.

Anonymous said...

Can I also point out that "Autumn" has an N on the end? I can? Awesome! :)

Amber.

Anonymous said...

The 5th cake down is not just stingy with letters, but also spells "Autumn" wrong. So much for skipping the troublesome "Thanksgiving."

miss. chief said...

AAAH! That last one is too funny!

Too bad about the strawberry tanksgiving cake, it actually looks kind of pretty.

Anne said...

Am I the only person who thinks the last cake looks a bit like Jar Jar Binks?

Evalis said...

On the plus side, the strawberries do make for a good looking barricade that is marginally pointy on the outside, even if there are no tanks. See? The cake is giving thanks for the ABSENCE of tanks and for good defenses against tanks.

wv - psyco. *shakes head* I would get that wv while talking about heavy artillery. Go figure.

Kasia said...

Happy Hanksgivening to you too! This was just what I needed to motivate myself before actually getting out of bed, making that pumpkin cheesecake, and facing the first holiday with the future in-laws. :)

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

Lol. Jar Jar binks indeed.

WHAT ARE THEY!? WHAT ARE THEY!? Poo tornado ending in vomit? What? These are so bad they make my very soul cry :(

Cogito said...

I'm pretty sure that last one was inspired by the judge in Pink Floyd's The Wall. *Shudder*

VeggieGirl said...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! :)

Anonymous said...

Well, at least the turkey on the "autum greeting" cake looks KIND OF good...

Sue in N. Va said...

That last cake DOES look like Jar Jar... scary.

On that note, I'm going to go make some chocolate butter cream for today's layer cake - no plastic flotsam allowed!

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone!

Half Assed Kitchen said...

Because nothing says Thanksgiving like a vomiting turkey butt.

Anonymous said...

For just a moment, I thought the last one the 'visage of horror' was a chipmunk doing an imitation of Edvard Munch's 'THE SCREAM' providing you ignore the feathers in the background.
(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:The_Scream.jpg)

Then I came to my senses---but I swear, the wattles and beak and body still remind me of a little screaming chipmunk.

Anonymous said...

jar jar binks?
i'm seeing more "dachshund",
but then again i did try and wipe all memories of that movie out of my mind....

Laura P. said...

Isn't it amazing that there are people who actually think some of these cakes were a good idea? Wow. Many happy Thanksgiving blessings to you and your hubby, Jen!

wv: antie - two of my anties are coming for Thanksgiving dinner today!

JHill said...

Maybe that strawberry cake is actually a birthday cake for a guy named Harry Tanksgiven.

Probably not though.

Ashley said...

That last one was terrifying!!!

Beth P. said...

That last creature has the ears of a Basset Hound!

Anonymous said...

Does Poo Turkey's eyes look crazed to any one else?

Jen said...

Am I the only one who thought Turkey Pharoah with the last one?

Janibach said...

That last one.... *scream* ...the horror!

Happy Tanksgiven to all :)

Anonymous said...

Also Autum is spelled autumn it's an odd word but there's an n at the end.

Kassandre

NYCGirl said...

Wow. These are extra-special wrecky.

Have a very happy Thanksgiving, Jen, John, and fellow Wreckies!

Dee said...

Maybe I'm just sleep deprived, but that last one looks really phallic to me.

Anonymous said...

My husband says the last one looks like the sand-beast from Tremors...

Kashmir said...

The penis turkey scared me. I was feeling kinda sorry for the bird currently roasting in my oven but after that display, no more! Damn you, penis turkey!

I adore your blog. It is part of my wake up ritual. :)

Michelle said...

Those cakes are just wrong. *shakes head* I think you found the worst ones!

Anonymous said...

I must be watching too much of the discovery channel because I saw an Egyptian headdress when I looked at the last one. Maybe it is because one of my eyes is covered in a bandage?

Happy Thanksgiving!
Trishka

Lynette said...

Well, at least the Autum (sic) Greeting cake's turkey looks relatively turkey-like.

And the strawberries are so non-military because the tanks were given, so we didn't have them anymore.

Laura said...

Not to sound like a total nerd or anything, but my husband is a Warhammer 40K gamer, and there actually *is* an even called "Tanksgiving" that they erm "celebrate" around this time every year. Although, I can't see how the tanksgiving cake has anything to do with little plastic-and-metal war dudes.

Stella said...

Thank you for the gosh-awful poo cakes...and on this special day! LOL.

Pam said...

I see previous posters have already pointed out the misspelling of "Autumn."

But I wanted to be smug and point it out as well.

Anonymous said...

When I first saw the last one, it reminded me of the dissected alien facehugger in Alien. Go figure.

I think my favorite one from the last few days is the electrocuted turkey. It's just bleeding hilarious.

Happy Thanksgiving from a vegan.

Bridgete said...

The turkey on the "autum" cake looks like he's about to eat the greeting.

Rachel Emilie said...

I love the plastic pirate ship that the Wreckerator obviously felt would "totally represent the Mayflower", and that wrapped Lindor plonked in the middle! Festive!

A Paperback Writer said...

Isn't this why it's traditional to eat PIE on Thanksgiving?

Hailey said...

I shall forever have nightmares of the last one. Mission accomplished!

Autum Greeting! Happy feasting!

Fanboy Wife said...

What is everyone thankful for today? I'm thankful I don't have to eat any of these cakes.

M. Drake said...

It's almost a shame about the autum greeting, as that has one of the few turkeys that looks.. actually.. kinda okay. Like someone knew how to make them...

Anonymous said...

The Dollar Store flotsam cakes may be my favorites, just because of the general WTF of some of the flotsam. Gingerbread men and witches on brooms for Thanksgiving? Does the wreckerator just go with one "decorating" theme for October through December?

Also, I'm pretty sure Jen knew the "Autum" was missing the n at the end (much like she knows that Epcot is a park and Spaceship Earth is the big silver ball in Epcot). Hence the whole it's not so much misspelling as letter stinginess, since they also left the last letter off "Greetings."

Mrs. Sugarbear said...

As for the flotsam cake... I get the Pilgrim and hat, I get the ship, I get the turkey, and the gingerbread man sorta, and I even kind of see the point of the apple.... but I'm just not understanding the truffle...

Anonymous said...

For some reason, the thing that really strikes me as wrong about the flotsam cake is the gingerbread cookie...shouldn't that have been saved for Christmas?

wv - amunt. No amunt of plastic flotsam should be placed anywhere near a cake!

Anonymous said...

I don't see anything turkey-ish in the last one. What I got was a decapitated torso, in a business suit surrounded by flames, with unspeakable stuff cascading down its front. The whole thing was enhanced by the dagger-like reflection in the glass. Truly a 'visage of horror' - I thought it was leftover from Halloween!

MC from NZ

Alex said...

I should not have looked at this in the car. That last one has pushed me closer to tossing my pancakes than ever. Ugh. Blugh. Swallow. Deep breath.
Alex (who has finally gotten an I'd and isn't anonymous anymore)

knitorpurl said...

You never disappoint with the holiday cheer (or should that be hoilday cher).

May your day be blessed and your cakes beautiful (or if not, a fun wreck!)

Hannah said...

He/She may spell badly, but props to the Autum Greeting wreckerator for doing a decent-looking turkey.

Kimberly Chapman said...

"Dangers of overeating" makes me think of a certain Monty Python scene that can be summed up with the words "wafer thin".

And the wv "brept" is not helping.

*whimper*

Little Lovables said...

Oh, horrors!

And why is there a gingerbread man flotsom on the dollar store vomit cake?

The "Greeting" one must be to not offend anyone who hates that Columbus guy, or Indians or general Thankfulness or whatever.

JelliDonut said...

This is one way to avoid overeating--just take a look at these wrecks just before you sit down to eat. Dang!

Maria said...

The turkey in te "autum greetin" is eating the letters!

Kerri said...

I'm not sure if I want an Autum greeting or not...

andygirl said...

what the hail is the last one? dracula monster turkey? my god!

and flotsam is a fantastic word!

and speaking of the flotsam cake(s)(?), are those gingerbread men I see? so it's...for all the fall and winter holidays? hrm.

Martha said...

Thank you! I'm so thankful for the laughs you (Jen, John the hubby of Jen, and assistent wreckorators) give me every day. My morning isn't complete until I check out this site.

Joy said...

Why does the first cake have a "French Bread, Hot at 5pm or Free" sticker?

Anonymous said...

am i the only one that thinks that the last one kind of looks like a very saggy penis??

maybe i have personal issues i need to deal with. . .

Anonymous said...

Why are all the cake turkeys yellow, orange and red? I looked for Wild Turkeys on the web and they don't look any different from the black ones we have here!

Dakota said...

Happy Thankgivening Jen and John!

MarieA said...

that last thing? did they get the vision for that at the "Adult" superfun store? wink wink... ya know what I am thinking and when I say toy.... shudders and goes looking for the nearest hand sanitizer station....

oh and Happy Thanksgiving, from one of your faithful Canadian readers - eh?!

Nads' Bakery said...

Happy Tanksgiven indeed.

Sharon said...

No, the last cake is clearly the rare heirloom breed, the Basset Pei Turkey. Jimmy Carter pardoned one in 1979. Probably the same one.

The strawberry cake was for someone who plays mmo games and tanks for groups, obviously.

Bulimia Turkey looks like it was meant to have those little paper crowns on the end of the drumsticks and making them out of frosting didn't work. Wait a minute... Bulimia Turkey has no drumsticks...it's got four wings!

Heather said...

It makes me sad that so many people missed your sarcasm on the autum cake. :( Yes, we all realize it is spelled wrong...

Let's see, so much to comment on. The cornucopia of poo, the clearance label on the turkey with "stuffing" coming out of it, and the number of cakes that have switched to a fine redneck hick accent with the "thanksgiven" going on.

Yikes.

On the other hand, now I spend a few minutes at the cake section lookin' for gems each time I go to the grocery store...

Jasry said...

The flotsom one just confused me. What do choc truffles and demonic gingerbread men have to do with Pilgrims? (See, if I just focus on that question, I can try to block out the retina-searing, vomit-inducing images of the other cakes. It's worth a try, anyway!)

Sexy Sadie said...

The turkey on the "Autum" cake is creepy.

Anonymous said...

Why is that last turkey-like creature wearing labia earrings? A little put off by that one...ewwww.

KellyGrrl said...

HAHA!! I always use the "you're beautiful the way are" line on my girl cat whenever she throws up a hairball... hahaha!!

Shi said...

What I find most disturbing about the flotsam cakes is that the plastic junk is in the same place on each one (substituting the turkey for the ship), so the wrecker deliberately placed them that way.

Anonymous said...

that last one is so hard to parse through to see the turkey. I thought it was a giant flaming ball of something with melting flesh dribbling down the side.

Jenni said...

I think the last cake looks like a Sphinx Turkey haha

Terry Lee said...

i love misspells! prolly my favorite kind of cake wrecks.

sprinkles: they fix everything. TOOOOO funny!!

happy tharkgivening, y'all!

Kitten said...

That "autum' turkey looks more like the Loch Ness Monster than any turkey to me.

Stephanie said...

Yowzers!
And Happy Tanksgiven to you too! :P

Noni Mausa said...

I'm not so much worried about the spelling on the Autum cake, as I am by the fact that a T. rex has disguised himself as a turkey and is laying in wait for the happy thanksgiving diners to get close enough.

The moral is: Check yer cake first with a long pointy stick!

Noni

mjm said...

Shoulda put sprinkles on the poo tornado. That would have solved everything. =D

nicole said...

that last cake looks like an old lady i saw at a topless beach once. come to think of it she was a bit overbaked too...

amanda said...

Jar Jar Binks... Nope.
Dachshund... Nope.
Screaming chipmunk... Nope.

I totally see a very naked, very elderly woman who has recently lost a lot of weight. And has also lost the fight with gravity.

wv vultylog- the solid ejecta that I barfed up when I saw that last cake.

Jackie Blue said...

YOU never fail to make me laugh and make my day ......Happy Thanksgiving! I am very thankful for your blog and the humor it provides!

Anonymous said...

Now why does the last one remind me of the Brundlefly from The Fly?

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad Heather pointed out that you actually KNEW the n was missing in Autum. Stinginess with the letters. Everyone get it now?
Do you actually think she would miss that one? She's a smart girl. And that last turkey is just scary and obscene.
Webster's definition of obscene:
1. : disgusting to the senses : repulsive

tosety said...

I think that Jen was being sarcastic/facetious when not mentioning that autumn was spelled wrong (notice that part about skipping the tricky word "thanksgiving")

and I agree:
tanks were given, so strawberries are all that's left,
plastic flotsam=choking deathcake,
and headless business suit

Gary said...

Thappy Hanksgiving to Jen, John, and all my fellow Wreckophiles!

Angie said...

What in the world is wrong with people? Really?

Nicole said...

What IS that last one? I can't even see an abstracted thanksgiving cake.. I'm trying.. maybe if I squint more.

Twiggy said...

Tornado? I saw a weird poo scorpion ready to attack. Frightening.

Lucia said...

wow thanks jen! happy thanksgiving to you too.

Andrea said...

That last one made me think I was about to be eaten by a slightly melted praying mantis.

Zocktastic said...

Chipmunk, Jar-Jar Binks, naked lady, sphinxes, male organs... Gosh, that horrifying final cake really is conjuring up a lot of different mental images. Of course, when I first saw it, for a few seconds I thought that somehow had decided to depict a decapitated, tuxedo-cland human torso in cake form. Those wattles look upsettingly like arteries to me.

(PS. I know the correct plural form of "sphinx" is "sphinges". I didn't want to confuse anybody, though.)

Sharon said...

Oh. My. God. You know, we don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Australia, and judging by these cakes, that's something to be thankful for...

What amazes me is how similar they all are - it's like every cake decorator has a list of three possible ways s/he could stuff up a turkey, and they just rotate between the three.

Bree said...

I saw big red saggy boobs on the last cake. Ever seen those Granny cartoons from Flowgo.com? I think the wreckorator did too!

Aviatrix said...

Or you could just make us laugh so hard it hurts. I am thankful your site is here to exercise my laughing muscles every single day. Thank you, and I hope your book does really really well.

Shewholuvs2lol said...

*screams* Oh good heaven! When I saw that last turkey... I shivered! Whats with the TWO red beak thingies? Turkeys only have one of those things!
Yikes. There's only one scenario that can be called logical: it was actually a HALLOWEEN cake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Check out my site:
www.dream-wings.webs.com. A place for the Arts! Hey, I just blogged about Cake Wrecks! Its the best.

Graceful Moments said...

Thanksgiven? Maybe this was meant for the day after Thanksgiving...

The last one...hideous beyond words!

Kimichi Tsuzuku said...

Uggh, I can never tell if flotsam cakes are really half@$$ed or an attempt to replicate Japanese XMas Cakes with their oh so artful holiday facades.

Then again, you could do a whole chapter on these.

http://yamatologic.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/christmascake.jpg

http://janneinosaka.blogspot.com/2008/12/merry-christmas.html

http://doors.stanford.edu/japan-etc-2004/Pages/3.html

Deborah in California said...

Coming in late on the conversation - finished the washing up just now. Whew. Anyhow... It appears to me that the last wreck gives a convincing explanation of the origin of the Sphinx. It is the Great Turkey God. I mean, check out those Cleopatra-like locks on either side of its head.

Ot I could be mistaken. It's late and I'm pooped - although not as literally pooped as the poop tornado. Ick. What IS it with cake decorators and poo ?

Mandy said...

I have been going over the wrecks of the last few days again and again, and I giggle just as hard each time. I think Turkey/Thanksgiving wrecks are my absolute favorite!

Thanks for the great finish to my wonderful day!

Happy Tranksgiven!

Sterling Dawn said...

you are freaking hilarious!!! i laugh to the point of tears every time i visit your page! THANK YOU!

Sara B. said...

Did anyone else notice that on the price tag for the first cake it was described as "french bread"??

Allison Wonderland said...

With all the plastic pilgrim junk on that one wreck, that gingerbread man thought he could sneak on behind the candy? Get off, little plastic cookie man, it's not your holiday yet!! The nerve.

june2 said...

Yeeah. The last one killed me.

wv: shookint = shoo kint believe how terrible these cakes are...

denestria said...

That first one is a CCC with an impenetrable wall of icing. The last one? I'm not sure H.P. Lovecraft could find the words to describe that horror.

Boots McGraw said...

"Poo tornado". Hysterical! On a yellow-frosted cake, no less. Holy appetite loss, Batman!

The fans who post here are as funny as the wrecks, themselves. Love ya all!

Amy said...

These disasters "take the cake". :o)
~Amy B-H

joanne said...

I kinda like the autum turkey. he actually looks like a turkey with *gasp* FEATHERS (as opposed to mosaic tiles or technicolor blobs or shelf mushrooms.)

the last one looks like a statue to a tribal god. the two wattles freaks me out! are they heavy earrings? saggy boobs? is that a sacrificial bonfire happening behind him> and what's with the treadmarks in the brown icing mud mound behind him?

#2 (I mean, #3 *snicker*) REALLY looks like a shiny turd. with eyes. wearing a feather fan like a vegas showgirl!

WV: crumroni. really bad pasta.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Jen and John, this Thanksgiving I am thankful for - YOU! You guys make my day... and makek me so glad that I made pies this year (as always), instead of depending on some bakery wreckorator.

Merry from
Annie's Book Stop/Sharon, MA

WV: demism. Demism any kinda cakes *I'd* want to eat!

Melissa (& Billy) said...

The last one is JABBA THE TURKEY. Run away, Run away!!

Anonymous said...

I think the last one is a naked bunny praying to the volcano gods.

T said...

Hey, if somebody gave me a tank, I'd be thankful, too.

Of course, I've always been a slightly warped little child. ^_~

Karen said...

Happy Turkey Sphinx to everyone too!

missemilygracey said...

What the Hell is with the gingerbread man on the last cake? It looks like he would smell funny, throw globs of mustard yellow frosting at the plastic pilgrams, and would drunkenly shout, "What the Hell are you looking at? I will cut you!"

He's pure nightmare fodder.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Melissa - it's Jabba the Hut disguised as a turkey!!! :P

Anonymous said...

"Thankgivening" reminded me of "havening" from The Chronicles of George, which can be found here:

http://chroniclesofgeorge.nanc.com/

Maybe after losing his tech support job, George decided to try his steady hand at cake decorating?

Marianna said...

I thought the last one looked a bit like a skinned torso (2 lungs and some intestines, maybe?) Ew.

Kella said...

I do like the idea of the strawberry cake (minus the tank part) but the wilted strawberry leaves... A tip for wreckorators trying to improve: as much as possible, avoid putting inedible things on cakes.

Tammy Hopper said...

The last picture...

I just keep swallowing over and over, trying to keep from imagining what something that looks so horrible could POSSIBLY taste like.

Ugh.

Harrawrson said...

When I shared this on facebook, the captcha wanted me to type "tanking Securities". HA!

Anonymous said...

That last turkey looks like a Slugma...

Sharon.T. said...

O-kay... and why does the first 'tranksgiven' cake wreck look like someone is saying 'Happy Tranksgiven' with flowers... wrapped in poo? Now that's what I call a crap present! (like what I did there?!) lol

Debamundo said...

I first read this post last night. I'm an English grad student and I'm supposed to turn in a rough draft of a paper tomorrow. How am I supposed to write a paper about Faustus with "turkey poo-wang" going through my head? I can't stop giggling. Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Jenn said...

Forget the spelling-the 1st one looks like a poo spray with weeds hanging out! Too funny!!!

Ro said...

It's as if Toki from Metalocalypse had done the writing on the cakes.

Just the Right Size said...

Holy Turkey Schlongs Batman!

Celeritas said...

The last one reminds me of the Pale Man from Pan's Labyrinth.

Jessie said...

I'm crying!! You are killing me with these poo wang cakes!!

Anonymous said...

No, people; the last one is a hairless cocker spaniel howling at the moon. I love how some of these cake become Rorschach tests.

Julia said...

I screamed when I saw that last turkey. Here's hoping that someone gives you a happy tank - or at least some military strawberries.

Emma said...

I almost had a heart attack at the computer and my dad is talking about sending me to an insane asylum.

Great job, Cake Wrecks! =]

1nes said...

i thought the first cake looked like a sunburned carrot rather than the poo tornado.....

rascalmom said...

Okay, I know I'm waaaaay behind since I just found out about this blog a couple days ago and have done nothing useful since Tuesday now because I'm trying to read all the entries (gee, thanks, Jen!), but this entry was so funny...all of it, all the "cakes." You are brilliant...sadly, this can't be said for the wreckers. Except they do bring the rest of us so much Schadenfreude. Oh my.
P.S. Once I've caught up and only am getting one fix a day, WHAT will I DO??? Your blog is the "crack" of blogs...and I mean that in the nicest possible way:) I may need medical intervention to survive on only one Cake Wreck per day!

Anonymous said...

I love the word flotsam. Where can I get a cake pan shaped like a turkey anyway?

Barely-Lit said...

Yikes! The last turkey cake looks like one giant phallus!

Cupcakes Lady said...

Jar Jar Binks, im definitely feeling that. Eagle Eye xx

Orange Zeppelin said...

the last one looks like one of those things from "Tremors!"

Anonymous said...

I can't laugh enough at this website! You have done a beautiful job of showing what ACTUALLY is displayed in many stores and what many people pick up as their special order.
For 20 years, I was a technician (cake decorating trainer), for corporate manufacturers, and worked in several accounts. These stores just pick up anyone who fills in their name on an application to make a "cake decorator". My job was to go in and try my best to teach...or at least help them out of the horror film they call talent. It didn't work. It was amazing how many of these people actually thought their work was awesome, and try as they might to copy MY work, fell flat in producing the desired outcome.
Mooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnn.
I shiver......vvvrrrrrrr!
Emma