Sure, Just Write That Anywhere

I'd ask you how you feel about this, Krystal K., but it's written all over your face.




[bowing]

Uh thank you. Thankyouverramuch.

The Words Get in the Way

My friends, there's an epidemic sweeping our nation's bakeries that I think you should know about: SPATIAL AWARENESS DISORDER.

And believe me, it's SAD.

It starts innocently enough.

First you might notice a few odd gaps in their writing:


Then they run out of room:

Then they decide to just keep going:

The next thing you know, the bakery's sense of scale is swinging wildly from one extreme to another, ranging from the microscopic:

To the titanic:

"We had to bake three more cakes to fit it all in, but we made it!"

Occasionally a wreckerator might recognize that s/he's made a mistake:

Thereby making it worse.

In its final stages, the SAD affect can get doubly bizarre:

Bakers lose all sense of gravity, distance, and direction...

...and even more disturbing: appropriate word placement.

To this day, Nanny still can't look the mall Santa in the eye.

Thanks to Chris S., Rebecca M., Marina C., Rachel P., Cindy E., Marc, Trish M., & Alison for finally exposing the third rail of cake decorating.

Conversation Starters

Show of hands: who got a box of conversation hearts yesterday? You know, the chalky little candies printed with whimsical messages of friendship and affection? Like "Booty Infl8n?"

Ok, now put your hands down. You're just embarrassing yourself.


I only ask because some lucky individuals received cake or cookie versions of the famous candies yesterday, and I'm wondering if they're all as whimsical as this:

Hey, it's no "huge me," but I'd take it.


Well I'll try, but darned if I know what "MNE" is.

Gosh, I've never been called neck wear before. Um...thank U?

Aw.
The best part is this doesn't make me want to run away and file a restraining order at all.

If you're asking, then a) Seriously? and b) No.

And you're going to need another your/you're refresher.

Seriously.

No, seriously seriously.

Come over here so I can slap you.

On second thought, stay over there.
Way, way over there.

You know, part of me thinks this simply has to mean "Sun Shine"...
but the other part remembers how to write a capital S.

So I'm torn.

Thanks to wreckporters Mike L., Jennifer M., Erin, Mariel K., Sarah, Noah E., Andrew T., Amy Z., Jacque K., & Susan R., who think we should give 'em something to talk about it: LOVE.

And then maybe a dictionary.

Chasing Shadows

Well, it's Groundhog Day. Or, as Brenda here knows it:

"Groad Hogs Day"


Today is the day that we celebrate the..day...by having this cheeky little fella:

aka "the guy with the crappy back end":

...drive around town with Bill Murray looking for a weather forecaster who has no shadow. Which I think makes the weather forecaster a vampire.

Ah, American holidays*.


Today is also the day when we find out if winter will end soon or not.

Hm...

[clickety click click click]

via weather.com 12 hours ago

Yeah. Good luck with that, every-state-but-Florida.

So, unless shadowless weather forecasters are run over by rodent and celebrity driven automobiles, I'd say most of you are due to see a lot more of this:

"Squashed octopodes?"

Er, no. I mean this:

"Blue crabs?"


No, no, no!

THIS:

[crickets chirping]


Oh, never mind.

Happy Grounn Dhog Day, y'all.

Thanks to Brenda M., M.Z., Melissa B., Saundra, Karen C., Jamie, & Kevin H., who would like to remind you to never drive angry. Especially with a quadruped.

*Actually, I hear Canadians celebrate Groundhog Day, too. Except their vampire weather forecasters use beavers to raise the stakes. [insert beaver joke here] [insert 'BWAHAHAHA!' here] [insert apology for beaver joke here]

Oh My Stars!

As I'm sure you've all heard, there was a bit of a dust-up recently over whether or not our astrology signs have changed. Betrayal, bewilderment, boredom...there was a veritable gamut of emotions running wild.

Fortunately, CNN has since assured the world that my not being a Taurus is total bull. Whew! However, just for fun, let's take a look at these "new" signs and how they might have changed our lives forever.

Or...not.

Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
Capricorns are known to be obedient and dedicated. If you ask a Capricorn to do something, you can be sure it is going to get done...

...literally.

Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
Aquarius is represented by water, which fits this sign's creative, "free flow" personality.

"That'll be $28.95, please."

Pisces: March 11- April 18
Pisces is an emotional yet generous sign. These selfless individuals will give until it hurts.

Or until they run out of room.

Aries: April 18 - May 13
Much like their symbol the ram, Aries are fearless creatures. They forge boldly ahead, letting no man, beast...

...or periwinkle border stand in their way.

Taurus: May 13- June 21
Taurus is a sign that never backs down. This stubborn bull will stand her ground through all of life's challenges.

"Look, the writing on the order form says 'Blinday.' END OF STORY."

Gemini: June 21 - July 20
Gemini is often of two minds, waiting to make a choice until the very last minute.

When it's over she'll know if she can write "happy" or not.

Cancer: July 20 - Aug. 10
Cancers are rooted in the past, home and hearth. You can trust a Cancer to feed you, mother you, clean you, feed you, love you...

...and feed you.

And then maybe eat you.

Leo: Aug. 10- Sept. 16
Leos are very ambitious - shooting for the stars, taking on large projects, and sometimes getting in over their heads.

Or King Tut's, as the case may be.

Virgo: Sept. 16 - Oct. 30
You can always count on the reliable Virgo to deliver steady, consistent results.

This is more of a virtue if they know how to spell.

Libra: Oct. 30- Nov. 23
Libra has a clear sense of right and wrong, and is always a fair and impartial judge. However, Libra also craves communication and loves an opportunity to prove her intelligence.

Yes, thank you, Libra.

Scorpio: Nov. 23- Nov. 29
Sharp-shooter Scorpio has no problem telling it like it is. Scorpio is honest, direct, and lays everything out in black and white.

Scorpio is usually free most Saturday nights.

Sagittarius: Dec. 17- Jan. 20
Nothing can slow down a carefree Sagittarius. Her spontaneity and drive keep things fun and interesting:

...and also covered in SPRINKLES!!! Wheeee!

Wreckiuchus: Nov. 29- Dec. 17
Wreckiuchus likes to hide in plain sight, often going years before revealing himself to those closest to him.
Some skeptics say Wreckiuchus doesn't actually exist, but if you cross your eyes and stare really hard, we think you'll get the message.

The message being that you look pretty silly with your eyes crossed, of course.


Thanks to Kailee M., Sarah C., Maggie B., Jinglei, Aaron, Jordan F., Niloufer R., Anony M., Heather & Mikki, Katie O., Elizabeth, Stina, & Valerie M., who should all look before they leap, take advantage of sudden windfalls, and explore new opportunities today. And then maybe buy their favorite bloggers a snack. (We like Bugles.)

Strategic Strategery

September is International Strategic Thinking Month! Time to celebrate the joys of planning, forethought, thinking ahead, planning, and, you know...um...

Hey, look! Cake!

Dashes make everything better -

...as I'm sure Queen J agrees.

Don't you hate it when there's that one really looong word in your inscription?

[shaking fist] Darn you, "happybirth!" Why do you have to be such a long, difficult-to-break-up word?!?


Of course when you do split up long words, knowing where to make the break is key:

In this case, placing "grounn" and "dhog" on separate lines just makes good, old fashioned sense. You know, kind of like cocaine in Coca-Cola. Or leeches.

'Course, if you play your cards right, then you won't have to break up any words:

[squinting seriously] "Now that's strategery."

Of course, when you have an oddly shaped cake strategic thinking is a must:


See how the baker left off the edge dots where the letters hang over? [tapping temple] Smarts, man. Smarts.


Nadine, Justine J., Krista M., Kevin H., P.K., Erin P., I wrote a short speech to thank you all for your contributions. [ahem hem hem]

"

Great Wrecks In Store

Loyal Henchpersons, it has come to my attention that some of you are now concerned about ordering a cake. You feel there's no hope; that you're doomed to receiving a Wreck no matter what precautions you take. And for some strange reason, I feel a little responsible for this.

Well, good news, cake consumers: I'm here to restore your confidence! That's right: we're going to take a little field trip over to the local grocer's bakery. C'mon.

[pulling into parking lot] Aw, look! That must be the decorator's car! See, now that is an artist who takes his craft seriously.

Don't worry; I'm sure "CACE" is just an acronym.

Or a pun.

Or...something.

Look, the point is, this is a decorator who's not afraid to take "risks" for his art! And if you don't believe me, just look where he parked:

See?

Well, let's head into the store now, shall we?

[heading down main aisle]

Oooh, check it out! There's a sale on...er...wait. What does that say?

Ok, I can see you're getting a little concerned here. And, yes, three of the five words in the product name are misspelled. But, hey, they got "air" and "Febreze" right and those are tough! Besides, I'm sure the bakery employees are much more literate.

In fact, let's get over there; we have a cake to order!

Well, it's nice to know their ingredients may or may not be certifiable. Like I always say, a little mystery adds spice to life! Right? [elbowing ribs] Right?

[arriving at bakery counter] Ah, here we are! Now, let's get that cake ordered!

Hey, where are you going?

Get back over here!

C'mon, I'm sure the cake will be FINE. Don't be such a worry-wart!

Tell you what: I'll tell the nice employee here what we want, and you go grab some candles, ok? Meet you back here in five.


[five minutes later]


Oh, good, you found the candles! So...why don't you look happy?

Ah. Well...on the bright side, I doubt our decorator had anything to do with this! Heheheh - no?

Look, just to prove to you that everything is going to be alright, I got a copy of the order form the baker submitted for us. I'm sure once you look it over, all your concerns will be gone.

Um. We did want to be "Drawed a picture of a Thrown," right?

No?

Well, drat. I guess now we just hope for the best; they said it'd be done in just a few minutes...

A-ha! See? What'd I tell you? Nothing to worry about at ALL.

Oh, quit complaining: a double inscription means double the fun!

And centering is boring.

And teal is kind of like "royal blue." In as much as it's blue. Ish.

And it only looks a little like a shower chair toilet thingy.

And...hey, where are you going? We still have to add the candles! Come back!

Well, Wreckies, I hope this little excursion has helped allay your fears of professional cake ordering. Now go forth, and order cakes!

And maybe bring your cameras. You know, just in case.


Tesha W., Cathy W., Amanda D., Noelle R., Maggie C., Morgan W., & Penske, I guess that order was such a royal pain that it blue right past the wreckerators and had them throne for a loop. So I guess we'll call it a "drawed."