john (the hubby of Jen) In The Flesh

My friends, today is National Nude Day, which is why I... [ripping off Velcro pants]...will be writing this post entirely butt nekkid. Aw yeeeah. In fact, I suggest you join me! Just be considerate of your family and cubicle mates, and be sure to walk around and extend a personal invitation to each of them, too.

Now, you may be asking yourself, how will I know that john (the hubby of Jen) is actually naked? Well, here's a picture as proof:

I like to oil up when I write about cake.

Now, let's do this thing!


Here we have a ...

I'm sorry. Excuse me...this chair is really...erph!...scratchy.

So. Here's a turtle:


Oh! Hang on a sec; my neighbor is watering her lawn.

[opening door]

Hi, Mildred! Did you know it's National Nude Day?

Mildred? Don't run so fast, dear, remember your hip surgery!!


She's such a sweetie.


Now, check out this hot little chick:

That is some serious duck face.


(Question: is it ok to scratch below the belt with a back scratcher? Asking for a friend.)


And now, a taco:

Or possibly a hot dog.

Never thought I'd get those two mixed up, to be honest.


(Another question: are wood back scratchers dishwasher-safe?)


Huh. That's odd. Ever get the feeling somebody's watching you?

Must be the cold draft in here.

[crossing legs]

And finally, because this post has been the picture of modesty and decorum so far, let's end with something really inappropriate:


Hey, Carol G., Marianne F., Susan M., Sarah A., & Alexandra, for the last time: I'm up here.

When Cakes Need Copy Editors

People often bemoan the fact that we don't have spell check for cakes, but as every writer knows, spell check doesn't catch everything.

After all, this IS spelled correctly:

I once participated in a Rock-A-Thon when I was a teenager: a group of us rocked in rocking chairs for eight hours straight to raise money for charity. Now, if I'd had the option to rock a thong, instead?

Um. Yeah, I would've stuck with the rocking chair.

They wish, baker. They wish.


Calling your boss "sexy" is a risky endeavor at the best of times - but it certainly doesn't help when the baker forgets a letter in "sexiest."

But hey, it's just a tiny mistake. The rest of the spelling is perfect!*

Bakers, take note: there is a difference between "inquire" and "imply." Don't worry, though; mixing the two up would only be a problem when discussing potentially controversial things. You know, like medication or something.

Oops.

And finally, when Steve and Marcus were planning their joint birthday party, they went with a Back to the Future inspired "Enchantment Under the Sea" theme - naturally.

One question, guys: Why wasn't I invited?

They ordered a cake with "Enchantment Under the Sea" written on it - and when the baker misspelled "enchantment" on the order form, Marcus immediately began hoping for a Cake Wreck.

Well, they did get one, but not in the way he expected. See, apparently the baker mistook "the sea" to mean the cake's deco pack, and...well...

You must admit: as wrecks go, this is kinda awesome.

Thanks to Ashli D., Ann Marie P., Erika T., Shea, & Marcus H. for being awl-around grate guise.

*Note: Sarcasm.

The Future's So Brite...

With graduation season over, you might be tempted to revel in the heady hopes of a brighter tomorrow, what with all these freshly educated, newly degreed youngins descending upon our workforce and all.

I'm here to fix all that.

This cake was supposed to say - I kid you not - "It's a girl."

That apostrophe placement will be haunting my dreams tonight.

Of course, it's also possible to get the spelling and punctuation perfect, while still completely missing the point:

Granted, this could be a "he said, she said" issue.

Hey, remember when preschoolers were taught to put the square blocks in the square holes, and the round blocks in the round holes?

Do they not do that anymore?

For some reason I'm getting the feeling this is supposed to be a base"ball." Odd.

And remember that toy with the pull string that told you what the dog says?

Do they not have those anymore, either?

Wait. Is that a cat?

Ok, now I'm really confused.

Still, I guess we can take comfort in knowing that these wreckerators won't always be wreckerators:

Eventually they'll get promoted to management.

Thanks to Becky A., Jane R., Stacey S., Jennifer V., & Alissa P., who want to ask that employee in the background, "Hey, why the long face?"

Literally In A Class All Their Own

It's a good thing graduation season is winding down, guys; I think the nation's Wreckerators need a little break:

I honestly thought this was a tribute cake for a CW fan.

It wasn't.

And if you're skeptical, allow me to show you this next gem:

I know I should be focusing on "where hat would be," but really I just want to know what the squiggle under Connor's name is. A stethoscope? A funky P? Or - for a little irony - is that where the hat should be?

Or how about this one?

I'll give you two guesses what the "junior league logo" looks like.

This last one is a little hard to read, so I'll transcribe it below:

1st line: Help, I'm stuck in a wreckery.

2nd line: No, seriously. Get me out of here.

3rd line: [indecipherable sobbing]

Thanks to Nick L., C.S., Shannon D., & Tanya G., who think that last baker needs to pull herself together; she's gone all to pieces!

Reach for the Skyyyyy!

Graduates, now that you've graduated, a whole new world of possibilities is open to you!

Possibilities like...

...getting arrested in an old-timey Western.

Oh, c'mon, I can't be the only one who hears Woody from Toy Story saying this, can I?




And that's not the only problem. Nope, it seems that some bakers are having trouble understanding what those white things are called:

And they're not doing so great on the "clouds," either.

Now, you might think that nixing the troublesome "sky" component all together would help:

But then, you also might think that's not how you spell "congratulations" OR "banner," so that just shows what you know. [eye roll]

Thanks to Meg K., Katie K., & Lindsey M., who prefer reaching for the stars.

Especially when they're named Johnny Depp or Nathan Fillion. (Mrowr.)

Giving Wrecks a Bad Name

Parents, if you don't want to risk bruised feelings on their birthdays, I suggest you NOT name any of your children "Cubby":

Or "Angus":

("Why, I declare, I didn't know it was the Colonel's birthday!")

Or "Ritchie":

And don't even *think* about "Bobby":

(Got milk?)

Or, heaven forbid, "Trudi":

And while you're at it, you'd better avoid pet names like "honey bunny," too:

In fact, maybe you should just leave names off your cakes all together. That way, nothing can go wrong.

I rest my case.

Thanks to wreckporters Laura R., Lacey C., Trisha A., Brian C., Kirsten H., Kelly N., & Erica for the name-calling.

Totally Awesome

"Bakers, it has come to our attention that 'morale' is 'low.' Therefore, effective immediately, we will be instituting mandatory staff meetings every Friday at 3pm to get to the bottom of this problem.

During these meetings you will each be required to list at least one 'awesome' thing about working here. Susan, GO."

"Oh, come on, this is so STU...."

"Did I mention this will be on your monthly review?"

"...PENDOUS! Haha! Yeah! [grabbing manager by lapels] WORKING HERE IS AWESOME."

"Something more specific, please."

"Oh. Ok. Um...

"Oh, I know! Making the candy apples is awesome.

"It really gets my aggressive tendencies out."

"I...see. Bob?"

"I like misspelling things and then convincing the customer it's actually spelled that way."

"Cracks me up every time!"

"Bob, I'm not sure this is exactly..."

"Ooh, yeah! And scaring the kids! That is SO awesome, am I right?" [high-fiveing Bob]


"Alright, everyone, if you'll just wait your turn..."

"Oooh, crap!"

"What's wrong, Debra?"

"No, that's my awesome thing! Putting chocolate poo swirls on everything!"

"I call it my number two special. Haha!"

[sigh] "And Mary? What about you?"

"I like giving the customers exactly what they ask for."

"Ah, excellent! You see, everyone? Now this is...

"No, I mean EXACTLY what they ask for."

"It's totally awesome." [giggle]

"Well, I think that's enough for today. I hope this meeting has helped remind you all to cherish the little things, and to really enjoy your jobs here. Now, next week: Airbrushing! See you then."

Thanks to Denise G., Gema B., Amanda N., Meagan B., & Anne L. for being, um, awesome.

Oh, and hey, here's something that really IS awesome: my friend Neil of 1,000 Awesome Things has a free copy of his new book, The Book of Even More Awesome, for five of you lucky readers!



For a chance to win, just leave a comment telling me one of your favorite awesome things. It can be anything: getting extra icing on your slice of cake, picking the fastest line at the supermarket, snagging the last one of that sale item you wanted - you name it. We'll announce the five winners both here - on this post - and on the CW Facebook page at 12 midnight, EST, so be sure to check back!

**************************

GIVEAWAY UPDATE! After randomly selecting five comments, we have our winners! Congrats to the following readers who shared a few of their favorite awesome things.

Sunshine Dayz at 10:17am, who understands how awesome it is to find a few extra hours of sleep before the alarm goes off. (We share this joy with you.)

qurlyloks at 12:34pm, who REALLY appreciates awesome caffeinated coffee.

Elizabeth C., at 1:54pm, who thinks it's "inconceivable" (and awesome) that her kitties unleash cuddly kryptonite! You wanted Neil's book? As you wish.

TCC at 3:06pm, who loves awesome unexpected treats (and turns it up to 11).

soarin_ca4 at 8:37pm, who shares a birthday with David Beckham (which happens to be today). I bet winning Neil's book just made your birthday even more AWESOME.

Congrats again to our winners! Please email us your mailing addresses. Thanks to everyone for the great comments. So much awesomeness!

Passover These Wrecks

During the celebration of Passover, it's traditional for participants to avoid all types of leavening, like yeast. In fact, you could say this is one of the most important, key features of the entire celebration.

So maybe someone should tell these bakers.

Let's hope it ages well.

Now, before I start an Epcot here: yes, there *are* flour-less Passover cakes and pastries.

But I'm pretty sure this isn't one of them:

And if there's time, Google "Passover."

And then return that Wonders of the Pyramids gift book.

During Passover there is a special dinner called the Seder, which is used to recount the Exodus story and teach the younger generations. It is very Jewish. By which I mean, if you're *not* Jewish, or of the Jewish faith, then you're probably not celebrating the Seder. And, at least to my knowledge, there are no Buddhist Seders or New Age Seders or Ed Hardy Seders; Jews pretty much have a corner on the Seder market.

Why do I bring this up?

Well...

Yeeeah.

Hey, is this like wishing someone a "Merry Christian Lent"?

'Cuz I'm totally doing that now.

(Although, all things being equal, maybe I should write it on a chocolate bar.)

Thanks to today's Wreckporters Evelyn G., Amy K., & Alana M. for getting a rise out of these Wrecks.

Update from john: [rubbing temples] To those of you currently chilling in the Epcot Bunker™, yes, anyone can make a lovely Seder. Apparently there are [insert comment count here] non-Jews doing so.

It's still Jewish.

That is all.

Blowing in the Wind

How many times must a baker be told,

"Don't pipe 'flowers' where flowers belong?"

And how many colors are spelled correctly,
While still managing to be wrong?

How many directions are misunderstood,

Like the first Wreck that received such renown?

And how many ways can you try to explain,

That "nothing"'s still something written down?

The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

The answer is "italicized" like it's blowing in the wind!

Thanks to Anna B., Alexis, Erica, David H., & Rosej, with the thanks "fuzzy" like a warm hug. (Only not in a creepy way.)

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

I'm always fascinated by the breakdown in communication that can occur when you order a cake. I love figuring out what went wrong just by looking at the cake; it beats any crossword puzzle or word jumble.

Sometimes the explanation is pretty straight forward:

As you can see, there is in fact a "Coca Cola can/bottle" on this cake.


Other times there's a severe misunderstanding from the get-go:

I like to think that if they'd spelled "capital" correctly they might have figured it out.


Sometimes you specifically ask for little plastic "Happy Birthday sticks" stuck in your order of cupcakes:



Other times you're just not specific enough:



And sometimes, on wonderful, rare occasions, you get an amazingly talented baker. A baker with mad piping skills, a steady hand, and perfect spelling. A baker who, incidentally, is also a little hard of hearing. So, when you get this baker, and you want to order a giant Gerber daisy on your cake, just be sure you enunciate really, really well.

Because otherwise...

You might get the Gerber Baby.

(Yes, really. Scout's honor.)

A big "thanks" in all caps to Heather F., Brianne H., Jessie B., Kristina R., & Kelly Y., who had some 'splaining to do on her last birthday.