Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Window Pains

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

So, you're opening a bakery. You've watched too much Cake Boss, opened a few dozen credit card accounts, and "sampled" enough cupcakes to confidently differentiate between "ganache" and "monkey poo."

What next?

The window display, of course!

This is your place to shine, aspiring baker! Show the people what you can really do!

Ah.

I see you're of the "writing on Styrofoam rounds with a Sharpie" skill set.

We can work with that.


After all, the most important thing is getting customers through the door - even if it is only to ask, "Dear God, what IS that THING?!"

It's a pacifier. You know, a cake for suckers?

Now, a good window display should appeal to both kids and kids at heart. Remember, cakes are all about fun! And color! And post-apocalyptic death tableaus!

Just think of all the gas-mask party favors you could make. Ooh, and festive radioactive warning streamers! Glowing fruit punch? Mushroom cloud side-cakes? Really, the possibilities are endless.


Of course, edible barren wastelands aren't for everyone. That's why you should also advertise your more [winkwink] adult flavors. [nudgenudge]

Photo removed at the request of the baker.
Please enjoy this lovely picture of Epcot.

And you can tell by the way that plastic half-lady is smelling her armpit that her plastic whole lady counterparts are gonna be hella sexy.


Or, if you're limited on space, you could always kill two birds with one horrendously disturbing Barbie cake:

Hey, how do you think Barbie paid for all those different careers, kids?


Well, bakers, however you choose to design your displays, just be sure they communicate friendliness, poise, and professionalism.

And also a strong grasp on the spelling of "ho bag":

Because, really, nothing is worse than a misspelled "ho bag" on your cookie cake.


Thanks to Amber P., Bianca S., Lauren C., Lauren R., Betsy R., & Dana F., who wonder if perhaps this showed up on C.M.'s performance review.
Haiku Joy said...

In hero-worship
of Batman, Mickey got own
parachute, cakeface.

Haiku Joy said...

Jesus preached on the
Mount of Olives. Barbie
rockets out of it.

KimberlyAlsp said...

I'm pretty sure the cookie behind the "Welcome Home" says "Happy Autism".. but really, how can one be sure? Also, I read your "[nudgenudge]" [nudgen udge] and laughed at myself.. because my mind can't tell where words stop and new ones start, apparently...

I love everything you're doing! Keep the funny coming!

Gary said...

I like the way Barbie's pasties appear to be made of cake icing.

SuBee said...

Shouldn't we be happy that everything is spelled correctly? Shouldn't that be enough? For crying out loud, yesterday's post showed a misspelling of "July." JULY!! Whoever is responsible for these baked goods should be proud. At least they can spell.

I'm assuming the last cookie was prepared for Mr. H. B. Hobag, the famous industrial giant and former governor of New Jersey.

Gary said...

Haiku Joy said...
Jesus preached on the
Mount of Olives. Barbie
rockets out of it.


Love this!

Anonymous said...

eww! how old is that Mickey crash-land cake? the decorations are dusty and the whole side of the cake (and the one next to it) dried out and crumbled off. the display case looks filthy, too. YUCK!

who would shop there? "here, try 6 month old cupcakes. they're to die for. or at least, they may kill you."

plastic armpit-smeller--I wonder if she has "realistic" plastic boobs underneath the modest icing bra, just in case someone wanted her dirty? who knows what else they may have. but since she's flotsam, I'm hoping they're not using sex props as cake decor. like dildos, condoms, etc.

Anonymous said...

love the princess bride quote. that is so appropriate for so many wrecks.

Anonymous said...

I enjoy how the parachute is coming out of the FRONT of Mickey's plane ><

MarliO said...

*steels self for a whole whack of comments along the lines of "OMGyoureferencedthePrincess BrideIlovethatmovieyourocksohard"*

Love the blog. Love the giddy readers.

Fluffy Cow said...

If I could stop laughing, I'd post a comment.

BADKarma! said...

...But does the baker of the "pacifier" cake have perfect ears? (blinkblink)...

nashnordin said...

I couldn't imagine what the bakers were thinking. That barbie cake was so funny!

Joanna said...

Nice Princess Bride reference, Jen! :P

Jay said...

"Dear God, what IS that THING?!"

It's cake decorating for dummies! *snort*

...No? Too colloquial?

Anonymous said...

Oddly enough, the barbie cake without the barbie is not that bad.... the rest of them D:

Alison said...

I don't think anyone has done this on this post's comments yet, but can someone tell me what the "wv" means that I've been seeing all over the place? I feel like I'm the odd person out on a very funny joke :)

Thanks!!

Anonymous said...

Alison,
"WV" stands for "word verication."
You know when you go to post a comment, and you have to type in a "word verication" in order for you post to be posted? You take that word and then define it or use it in a sentence.

My word verication for this post is,"hamshair," so I might write:

wv: hamshair-That hamshair is very shiny and lustrous, but I prefer my porkchops hairless.

Craig said...

#1 Can people pay for fake cakes with play money?

#2 I'm so glad to know that's supposed to be a pacifier -- makes a lot more sense than the 'sombrero in a whirlpool' that I first saw.

#3 "Come to the clearance sale at the Abandoned Bakery! Everything must go!" Including the building, if you ask me.

#4 I don't think they spelled out clearly enough what they're up to, here. Just a tad too subtle -- there might be some grade school kids who didn't get it.

#5 Speculating on back stories is fun. Except, that is, when one is busy looking for the 'Unsee' key.

#6 It seemed like a good idea at the time, right, C.M.?

wv: tosin. I'd be tosin that cookie.

sendingtheclowns said...

We need a cake that says *word verication*!

=^~.-^=

Hey, why is the parachute attached to the actual plane? Why bother to crash at all if you don't get to jump out--which is at least 20% of the fun.
HOBAG is fine as it is. It HAS to be spelled HO. Otherwise, people'd be going around calling them "who"s for short.
("She looks like a who."
"A what?"
"A WHO, that's what!")

See? It would snowball into a whole "Who's on first?" type of mess.
Then that old thing would have to be revised to start: "Whores on first."
I just don't see it going anywhere, and I think I need an aspirin.

=^-.-^=

Kimberly Chapman said...

You totally nailed the emphasis on the PB quote.

Anonymous said...

Too bad that passers-by ruined the third cake by sticking their pre-chewed wads of gum on it...

tiny p elephant said...

kneaded fondant and barbie's hair on the cake... i'll just have some ice cream....

kayk said...

I just wish I knew some groom-to-be so I could offer to make a Stripper Barbie cake for the bachelor party! Hilarious!

sendingtheclowns said...

The redeeming quality of the second picture is this:
By ignoring the temptations in the window, you can zoom in on the photo, and have fun looking at the things reflected in the glass.
I see a Dunkin Donuts across the street, some interesting, bricky architecture, a possible emergency vehicle, fire escapes...
*yawn*
=^-.-^=

sendingtheclowns said...

It's driving me to insanty.
Oops. I meant insanITy.



=^e.e^=

Chanda said...

I just wanted to say, I didn't even make it to the cakes and I was already giggling. "To the pane!" Love it.

Anonymous said...

YIKES! Ho bag.

Rachel said...

Hilarious.

I am baffled by the window displays have have completely disintegrated and yet remain. I could understand maybe a corner or two missing before the baker notices and gets around to it. But #3 is war-torn. How can they ignore that?!

The Reluctant Diva said...

#2 is a pacifier? Really? Did it belong to Salvador Dali?


WV: cryous
When the baby cryous, give them a Melting Pacifier.

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Methinks the Mickey in the plane was once-upon-a-time pulling the banner which has Happy Birthday on it and is now landing on it. Someone probably, in the passing eons (judging from the amount of dust on the cake) moved Mickey and put him on the banner, instead. That makes more sense.

Greg said...

In the first picture, why is there a cake (or model) that says "Happy Autism? right behind "Welcome Home"?

Anonymous said...

@sendingtheclowns

There's a check cashing place next to the Dunkin' Donuts. It's a fine thing to be able to cash one's paycheck then have a choice of donuts or ugly cake to purchase. I'd purchase patriotic donut holes, if I had the choice.

wv:fauta- I fauta bout this a long time-I'm going with the patriotic donut holes.

Kimmery said...

Jen, I think you need to ask Haiku Joy to write a guest post for CW!

wv: butho

"But ho! What blight in yonder windows' cakes?"

Amy Ellen said...

I think the cookie behind "Welcome Home" might say "Happy Baptism". Not that it matters, really. That barbie cake is just odd.... And the Hobag cookie, thats funny.

Anonymous said...

Kimmery,
Best WV ever!!

Amy'sMom said...

Before Miss Haversham was left at the alter, she was a sweet young girl. A sweet young girl who's only wish was to have a "Minnie Mouse in a Hot Air Balloon" cake for her birthday. Her dreams dashed, she left the Mickey cake to decay along with the girlish dreams in her heart.

WV: stels-I stels that story every chance I get.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure I have never wished anyone a "Happy Bridal Shower", but now I know what is the proper thing to say on the day the shower. I wonder if you say this even if you aren't invited. And do you send "Belated Happy Bridal Shower Wishes"?

sendingtheclowns said...

@Anonymous 1:53:

Good catch!!
(Isn't this FUN?)
I wish I could zoom in closer; I might find some riveting pigeon droppings, or maybe a nekkid exhibitionist in a window or some such...

It's a good thing I have nothing better to do...!!

=^u.u^=

Buffy said...

The post-apocalyptic cake made me think we need a Sunday Sweets with Fallout 3 cakes.

babird1 said...

Oh, I knew that fifth cup of coffee was a mistake- When I saw cake #2 I thought it was a toilet seat. 8 minutes later I was getting up off the floor....

David said...

My favorite bakeries (to stare at the window displays...not partake of the contents) are the ones that have the very old, dust encrusted, faded wedding cakes in the corners of the windows! Now that's appetizing and really makes me want to enter...not.

Love your blog and the daily laugh it brings!!!

MKelley said...

Cake Decorating: I do not think it means what you think it means.

amyandtenaya said...

to me the Barbie cake looks as though Barbie going all Lady GaGa on us???

mimi said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one reading "Happy Autism" on the styrofoam round that's partially hidden.

Heidi D said...

Ahhhh, ho bag. I haven't seen you since middle school.

Rainyday said...

To the pain!!
Loved the PB reference... and all these Wrecks, of course. Thanks for the giggle & groan.

lyndsay said...

sweet princess bride nod.

Anonymous said...

definition of being between a rock and a hardplace: someone else saw a sombrero (yay!) and it was Craig (oh, no! he's been contagious all along)
[insert evil grin here]

it's sad I only have a lovely photo of E.P.C.O.T. to enjoy. (tee hee)

@MKelly: I laughed so hard I snorted. :)

-Barbara Anne

Puppygirl said...

I saw the picture of cake #4 before it was "removed at the baker's request". It wasn't _that_ bad. Someone's a little overly sensitive.

At least that cake was well decorated. And I could tell what the heck it was, unlike--- pacifier? Really? seriously? not even in a hallucination.

@MarliO
I peed myself I laughed so hard.

the uniblogger said...

LOL !!!

Gary beat me to the Barbie with Pasties comment.

"Mount of Olives" had me LOL-ing all over the place.

Thanks for the MUUUUUUUUCH needed laughter tonight. :hugs:

Arlene said...

Sigh now I wanna know what the cake was that epcot is replacing lol. But more than likely my sanity has been spared so I thank you for covering it up. The others disturb me enough especially that barbie cake...

The Mind of Meagan said...

Hey, you didn't offer geek points for Dear God what IS that thing! hahahahaha

The Mind of Meagan said...

@sendingtheclowns You should meet up with Debbie, She would LOVE all those little cat faces at the bottom of your posts....

sendingtheclowns said...

WHAT the bloody ELL!?
Where did the armpit-sniffing Bimbo (aka "Barbie") go???
This is riDICulous!
I don't get it~~~WE are the ones being heartily offended (to tears, I might add) by the ugliness, stupidity, and sheer snickerlarity of these half-baked baked goods. Why would anyone take that away from us?
Ah...I get it! It's the baker(s)/wreckorator(s), right?
Embarrassed, perhaps?
Well, LA. DEE. DA.
Whoever created it needs to OWN it. They did the deed and walked away, leaving the things sitting there in plain sight. Once they did that, hey! Up for grabs, I say.
But NOOOOOOO!! They gotta get all wah!wah! on us, all "Oooo, don't EMBARRASS me!"
Hey-- it's in the frickin' WINDOW. A little too late to be dragging out the PRIDE, dontcha think?
=^+.+^=

Volcano said...

Hmm, I think that one is "Happy Baptism" rather than "Happy Autism."


wv: diess
(cue whiny emo-kid voice)
Whenever I see one of those cakes, a little piece of me just diess!

Craig said...

For the later arrivals who miss the pre-EPCOT hilarity, I wonder if a bot could be constructed to archive CW posts (sounds like a cereal company) and email requested photos to the curious. The bot would be maintained by donations to the Honorary Order of Being A Good Sport (HOBAGS). To maintain plausible deniability, this bot would have no connection to the CW team whatsoever. (Nudge-nudge, wink-wink, say-no-more!)

@Barbara Anne, NOW what did I do? ;-)

wv: vianopin. Vianopin is a word that is awaiting verification.

princess2771 said...

I can not believe bakers come on here and request their cake pics be removed. Where is their sense of humor!

flying gargoyle said...

"Please enjoy this lovely picture of Epcot". Oh, you slay me!

Haiku Joy said...

"Window-Good-Enough"
is not "World-Good-Enough" for
pit-sniffing blondie.

O, plastic lover,
regret not your short-lived fame.
Industry's nature.

sara said...

I Love the barbie dress cake thingy. I mean whoever thought that a three tier cake with an almost naked barbie doll stuck on the top would be so hideously wreaked. Obviously a "winner".

Puppygirl said...

I completely agree with Craig. Please let me know when and how I can send my donation to HOBAGS. Which should be set up as a not-for-profit. With a head office in beautiful Bermuda. Registered to a numbered company.
(For as much as it is doing a great service for humanity, I don't think it would qualify for charitable status.)

Leighanne said...

Lol @KimberlyAlsp! I totally thought it said "Happy autism" too!

WV: Stmegle-Smeagol's shady cousin who helped him bury Deagol's body after he stole the ring...

mimi said...

aww... the cake is GONE. i was just gonna show that to my friend too.

Anonymous said...

I would so like to believe that that last cake is from Rhinelander, WI and really says HB Hodag. What a lovely time, the birthday of the Hodag.

Anonymous said...

That last one there just kind of sneaks up on you... OMG...

Anonymous said...

Hey Jen and John (Hubby of Jen),

Is it at all possible for you tell us readers exactly *why* the baker requested the removal of the cake? Other than the fact they have no sense of humor, of course.

Holly said...

I loved the movie quote you used with the 'pacifier' cake. I guess the baker was looking for a Hudsucker Proxy to market it...or kill off shares of stock. One of the two. ;)

Hazey Sunshine said...

That barbie one is probably my favourite cake wreck of ever (so far).