Monday, July 25, 2011

Overselling It

Monday, July 25, 2011

"Good day, Madam! Please allow me to welcome you to the West Rutheford Winery, Gastropub and Patisserie. Might I offer you a moist towelette?"

"Um, no. I just need to order a cake for my son's birthday, please."

"But of course! We have many, many cakes to choose from. If I may point out on our Ménu dú Jöur, here you see we have our Incredibly Moist Chocolate Cake Uniquely Finished By Hand With Butter Cream Icing."

"As you can see, it is 'Great For Any Occasion.'"

"Finished by hand? Are you sure feet weren't involved?" [smirking]

[ahem] "Ah, yes, very amusing. Well, Madam, if that is not your particular cup of Earl Gray, might I suggest our Moist Gold Cake Uniquely Hand Finished Tastes Just Like A Real "WATERMELON"?

"Soooo, it tastes like a watermelon?"

"Not at all, Madam. It tastes like a 'WATERMELON.'"

"Ah."

"Ah, but I have saved the best for last! It is the pièce de résistance of our repertoire, the crème de la crème, the horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa! Behold!

"A Rich Belgian Chocolate Cup filled with a layer of moist yellow Cake, Fudge, and sweet cream Ice Cream and topped with fluffy white Frosting...

...and a menstrual duo."

"Ew."

"As you might expect, this is available but once a month."

...

"Madam? Wait! Where are you going?!"


Thanks to eagle-eyed Wreckporters Dawn C. and Aimee W. who are just glad that last one isn't red velvet.

Oh, and since *I* couldn't figure it out, I thought you might want to know that last label should read minstrel - which is apparently a type of cake. Plus, when Aimee pointed it out to the manager she shrugged, said they were all probably like that, and put it back on the shelf. Yay, quality control!
lizzied said...

AAAAAH! What the heck were they trying to say on that last one? I can't even come up with a reasonable word-switch for that, but it might be that my brain short circuited due to the horror...

Kayto said...

...I'm stupefied by that last one, particularly the fact that the manager didn't care. Of course, having management like that does explain most of this blog.

M. Dale said...

You had me at, "horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa!"

LunamothMama said...

OMFG I just died laughing at that.....

*Hehehehe*

A menstrual duo. *giggle* *snort* *cough*

Marebabe said...

I think the blame for the m-word confusion can be placed squarely on Spell-Check or Auto-Correct. Those programs are POSSESSED!

Donna said...

The border on the first one reminds me of "the Grinch" for some reason...

Penelope said...

Menstrual duo. That is really gross. Not a "sweet treat" at all, actually.

And a great fo di fa fa to you too!

The Pink Drink Ladies said...

Ah that last cake, what a great performance.

Jackie

Evalis said...

i was fine till that last one. Caught me off guard and i burst out laughing.

Evalis said...

@Marebabe

Yes, yes they are. The voice to text programs are just as bad as spell-check, if not worse. Programs with dirty minds.

Anonymous said...

Where were these cakes found?
I want to go to there. I'm so in the mood for a "horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa!"

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahahahaha **deep inhale** hahahahahahaha...that last one is PRICELESS!! I would have bought it just for the sticker!

Sharyn said...

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow...

Erin @ Brownie Bites said...

Menstrual duo - that is fantastically horrible. It would be even funnier if the cupcakes were red velvet!

Laloofah said...

ROTFL!!! *gasping for air* LMAO!

I thought your whole French maitre'd routine, and your faux French, were funny enough. But the coup d'grace was definitely the Sweet Treats Cupcakes with Menstrual Duo! Quelle horreur! What is that, a cupcake served with a sanitary napkin?

Your posts just kill me. So do most of your commenters. Thanks for the great laughs!

Gary said...

Wait, Aimee pointed it out to the manager, and she LEFT IT THAT WAY??

Aaaaaaaaaaaauuugh!!!


WV: Where English pigs are kept in "1984," and are fed menstrual duo cake.

TychaBrahe said...

Minstrels are sort of like a large M&M, a chocolate button in a candy shell.
http://www.englishteastore.com/magami1.html

A Minstrel cake uses them for decoration.
Chocolate Minstrel Cake
http://www.flickr.com/photos/meriwilliams/4263534289/

zoomom said...

That first one... I don't know about "finished by hand"; it looks to me like Rainbow Brite's dog might have scooted across it a few times.

Aliza said...

The set-up with the snooty maitre d', followed by your line of "horloge de le stylo du la baguette"-- sheer brilliance. Especially for those of us qui parle français!

I like how they're now advertising "uniquely hand finished". That's one way of dealing with staff's screw-ups...

The squiggles on the first cake look like the excess thread bits when starting and stopping serging. I hope that person sews better than they decorate. But I'm not optimistic.

What's "minstrel duo" cake??? It sings at you?

As for "menstrual duo". Sorry, I haven't quite recovered from Friday's placenta cake…

Loo-E Loo-I said...

I just love your blog! The cakes and your commentary always crack me up!!! It's one thing to misspell a cake...but to have typos in the product description?? Oh boy!

wv: beriazo: These cake decorators must live in the beriazo world.

eccentricerrant said...

That watermelon cake! I just can't I don't even aaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaa

BADKarma! said...

"Menstrual Duo" sounds like a good name for an all-girl punk band. Just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

WTF who would buy those O_o

Anonymous said...

A minstrel duo is actually a milk chocolate/white chocolate striped garnish: http://www.google.com/imgres?q=midnight+delight+coldstone&hl=en&client=firefox-a&hs=HCi&sa=G&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official&biw=1135&bih=854&tbm=isch&tbnid=3l08mjWg1rEA1M:&imgrefurl=http://stacy4804.wordpress.com/2011/03/29/profile-a-magical-place-of-delights/&docid=Ie5fJqZlFPHNXM&w=300&h=233&ei=D4QtTr31DtS1tgezifXXAg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=638&vpy=371&dur=110&hovh=186&hovw=240&tx=141&ty=106&page=3&tbnh=164&tbnw=211&start=40&ndsp=16&ved=1t:429,r:2,s:40
this cupcake pictured in that link is the one supposed to have the "minstrel duo" on top

mel said...

Ah, you’ve found it! The first cake was made by the premier cake decorator Jaque L’Finggers, a renown artist of little note whose hand was severed in an unfortunate accident involving a sponge and a little wire twist-tie from a grocery store produce bag. Although they were unable to re-attach his hand, they were able to preserve it. Jaque then took the preserved hand in his other hand, and dipping the fingers in various colors of icing was able to create the kind of masterpiece we see here today -- and hence his slogan “Finished By Hand.” (He once tried it using strawberry preserves, calling this work “Preserves By the Preserved,” but it was not a critical success.) (note to self: I think I’ll insert a joke in here about the nature of the preservative, but make hard to detect: it will be for mel to hide….)

It is not surprising there is some confusion about the second cake, as “WATERMELON” and WATERMELON are often mistaken for the same thing. “WATERMELON” is an artificial flavoring made from the juice of reconstituted dried hand collected banana seeds, a labor intensive process known only to a few. Usually, this is used when flavoring legumes, so the confusion here is totally understandable.

The photo of the last cake is just a matter of poor timing – the girls were on their break.

wv-duptur: all she wanted was a nice cake, but when she saw the wreck, she knew he had duptur....

michelej said...

I just can't read the word *moist* and not think of Dr. Horrible...

Thanks for getting my day started off right! :)

Melinda said...

I grew up with three sisters. I've dealt with a menstrual duo--heck, I've been part of a menstrual duo (or trio, or...) At such times, cake was an accessory for the duo, not the other way around.

crydwynn said...

The manager PUT IT BACK ON THE SHELF???!!!!!???? What? I mean... Who? Why? How can she...?

I have no words. I am sputtering incredulously.

The Reluctant Diva said...

Mojo Jojo makes cakes now?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfeaIiDc8kw

Anonymous said...

On the last cake-

I think it would be a great treat for when your Aunt comes to visit. Aunt Flo.

Julie said...

"Menstrual duo" is my hubby's worst nightmare, when the teenager and I have coordinated cycles. Hormone overload. But did NO ONE along the way actually read that sticker??

@zoomom--OMG I'm laughing so hard at your comment my stomach hurts! Oh wait, maybe I've just got minstrel cramps.

Christy said...

Red velvet...
Crying...
Can't... stop...

Linda said...

I KNOW they're supposed to be watermelon seeds, but all I see is mouse poop.

DangGina said...

MENSTRUAL?

*shudder*

Craig said...

#1 is 'great for any occasion' in much the same way as is a blank greeting card. If any guest laughs, the host or hostess can just look down the nose at them and say, "I'll have you know this is uniquely hand-finished."

#2 I'd be happy if it tasted exactly like "CAKE".

#3 The manager's attitude sounds as much an European affectation as the capitalized nouns and the prose. Which, by the way, I heard in the voice of Terry Jones ('Crunchy Frog').

I wonder what would be the result if one ordered a 'minstrel duo' cake. Two figures in Renaissance dress playing lutes, perhaps? Two Vaudeville performers? The possibilities are endless. Or it could be something along the lines of something seen last Friday...

Becky said...

That last on is terrible! But this prompted me to google minstrel cake. About the fourth link down I found this:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/richardholden/178093594/in/photostream/

OMG!

amanda said...

I'm guessing this " West Rutheford Winery, Gastropub and Patisserie" is located somewhere in Ankh-Morpork, discworld?

tugay said...

thanks very nice

Anonymous said...

Blech! What else is there to say? Good management skills and I am unemployed!! Go figure!

JHill said...

Bon jour, mon petit Bureaux du Change.

Sharyn said...

@mel at 11:06

LOL. You put the "pun" in punditry.

Rose and Bean's said...

Oooooh my goodness. Cakes from my previous employers..

The first two cakes are factory produced for Stop and Shop. I can't believe someone found a chocolate streamer *without* a, as we called it, poosmear of chocolate crumbs across the top.

I can't say *what* exactly the "watermelon" cake tasted like, but I can say that ALL of the prefab cakes that go to Stop and Shops have those ridiculous labels on them. I was contemplating making a collage and sending it in before I quit.

I wish I had taken pictures of what our cake tech made. The woman who, I am 98 and 3/4% positive, is solely responsible for all of the supermarket wreckerators in the Tri State area. I might have a picture somewhere of her "Spongebob" aka "Yellow man with herpes."

The last one is from a Cold Stone.
..
I actually have no comment for that.

Siouxzr said...

What?! No lark's vomit or Crunchy Frog cake? Perhaps there is a ram's bladder cup cake with the finest juicy chunks of Cornish ram's bladder? No?

WV: spacente, the absence of placenta on a cake. Please make mine spacente.

Anonymous said...

From the same patisseur responsible for the famous trouffles merdette, oui? Minstrel cakes are chocolate in whiteface, thanks to the very first Cakewalk ... did we not meet them a while back on CW, along with the St Nicolas racist cakism thread? But, wrong anyway. Those should be Mistral cakes, for the evil vent du Provence that chills the appetite and causes strong souls to hide under the bed and eat cake until the weather changes. Bon appetite! Merci!

w.v. dizings: 1) adj:Just looking at these cakes makes me dizings. 2)n: These cakes were made by dizings because the head ditz was out sick for the day.

Rev W

Kimmchi said...

"Fo di fa fa" AKA "Foux Du Fafa" - FOTC reference? Awesome! That just made my Monday morning.

Abby said...

Isn't the logo on that last one the logo for Cold Stone?

Gina said...

Does anybody else picture the guy absolutely screaming the word "watermelon"? No?

Katy H. said...

Menstrual duo? Isn't that like when two women are roommates and their cycles sync up? Also known as 'co-menstruating.'

Anonymous said...

Okay, three things:

You say "sanitary" and all I can think of is the little elephant in Tarzan when he hollers, "Are you sure this water's sanitary? It looks qweshionable to me!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSKKVsSIMjo

@mel - for mel to hide? Oh, shame shame shame on you. But yes, I laughed.

And lastly... what, no WAFER-THIN MINT? It's only wafer thin!

Carmiehead, the Un-Stalker

Anonymous said...

With the lead from @Rose & Bean's, I took it upon myself to go to Cold Stone's website to check and see if it was mislabeled there as well (because that would have been FUNNY). The, um, unfortunate, phrase has been replaced with "a milk and white chocolate curl". That's definitely better, I think.

mimi said...

What the heck?

Blood in the water!!!

WV: rardingl: rardingl is fundamental

Gina said...

I'm with the other common taters...I mean commentators...who can't believe the manager put the menstrual duo cupcake back on the shelf. Too dadgum funny.

Anonymous said...

Zoomom...omg...for the win!

DidoCarthage said...

@Becky at 12:00pm - Ok, now you've done it. Can anybody recommend a nice cult - my brain needs washing.

WV: forcentl How much for the menstrual duo cake? Forcentl do it.

Miss Mindy said...

@Kimmchi - 1:34pm - Thanks for mentioning that FoTC ref - I would NEVER have realized that...now I've googled it and watched their video and my whole day got even better (at least I'm not thinking about menstrual duos although I'm humming "foux de fafa" incessantly...)

Elkman said...

Maybe the "menstrual duo" cake includes Wreck Spotting, the Tres Leches cake with the "custom decoration".

Oh, and be sure you have napkins on hand when you serve this cake.

Anonymous said...

@Craig - I have to admit that I heard them all in the Terry Jones "crunchy frog" voice.

Anonymous said...

That's one minstrel duo that isn't playing Greensleeves, if you catch my drift.

Kati said...

Hi John/Jen,

I have a correction to your clarification of what the "menstrual duo" is supposed to be. It actually isn't "minstrel duo", and it isn't a kind of cake. The "mistral duo" is a type of chocolate ornament (a white and milk chocolate curl) that is used on the Cold Stone Sweet Treat Cupcakes.

Here's the CS description in their press release:
• Sweet Cream: Moist yellow cake layered with fudge and Sweet Cream ice cream in a rich Belgian chocolate shell, finished with Bettercreme frosting and Duo Mistrals topping.

found here: http://www.coldstonecreamery.com/assets/pdf/news/pr_cupcakes_020409.pdf

Here's the site for the "mistral duo"
http://www.in2food.com/catalog/products.php?pid=1581

I didn't know if i should send you this info via a comment or email, so I've done both.

Don't ya just hate know-it-alls? :-)

Meghan said...

Shout out to a fellow Flight of the Conchords fan!

Kati said...

Jen and John, Thanks for another great post!!

@BadKarma! "Menstrual Duo" sounds like a good name for an all-girl punk band." --- definitely laughing out loud at your comment!

first WV: fecul This WV would have been perfect for the Aw, Poo post.

Anonymous said...

thanks to living on guam for several yeats I learned another name for man parts - fafa (the a sound is like in cat not la la)
De

Prism said...

And here I always thought a "menstrual duo" was a large chocolate cake (with extra frosting)in one hand, and a 64 oz. Coca-Cola in the other hand. HMM.

Fluffy Cow said...

Spit take on the last pic.

WV: feedness
need I say more?

Elizabeth said...

Uggh I would've run out of the bakery, too, if I had seen the last cake's sticker
I think I can hold off dinner for a couple of hours now... or maybe a day...

Tiffany in Topeka said...

Just put it back on the shelf?! Wow....

And the comments, nearly as bad as the cake! Whoa! haha!

Joanne said...

Bloody good, though!

Amy Christensen said...

Ha! That last one is a Cold Stone Creamery label.. I know cuz I decorate ice cream cakes and cupcakes there... now when I go to work tomorrow, I'm gonna have to check the labels to make sure they don't say "menstrual duo". It's supposed to be "mistral duo". Like this: http://www.in2food.com/catalog/products.php?pid=1581

Dawn @ Kitchen Lore said...

I was on board with the Sweet Treat Cupcakes until the "menstrual duo." Yikes! I can't even conceive of why someone would write that on a label or what that could possibly be a misspelling for.

Marnie said...

Once again you have made me howl. :-) I must learn to speak a foreign language like you. Think how cultured I'll sound with phrases like "fo di fa fa" as I order my cake with menstrual duo.
(What was that manager thinking when she put it back on display?)

Janelle said...

Mostly as a joke, my husband brought home the watermelon cake in this post from the store tonight. It really does not taste "just like "WATERMELON". He wants me to let you know, it was 1/2 off.

Allison said...

Ah! I can't believe Coldstone would make such a mistake and not even care! (Why yes, I do go there often enough to recognize the label...)

Peachkins said...

Yeah, menstrual is definitely one of those words that should not appear anywhere near food. I can't believe they left the label that way. Ewww.

Anonymous said...

The last one is disgusting... Honestly, how could someone not notice that before putting it on display?? That's plain stupid.

Aicats said...

Menstrual duo? Such as...http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2010/11/parent-appreciation-day.html ??? Great Post!

Arlene said...

Hmm that watermelon one actually doesn't look too bad but on that last cake they can keep the menstrual duo. I have enough with one thanks lol. That a manager would just leave it like that is amazing. Guess they don't care what they serve to customers at that bakery.

Anonymous said...

Gee, saw the first cake and thought it must be in honor of the Olympic Worm Races... y'mean it's not? Well, darn!

Merry from Annie's Book Stop/Sharon, MA

Anonymous said...

Laughed so hard the dog came to see just what in the heck was wrong with me. AWESOME!

Haiku Joy said...

You're doing it wrong.
Start pricing at one thousand.
That's serious art.

Cindy Major said...

Your fake French is just hilarious!

Jennifer said...

Actually, the Menstrual Duo is a pair of female superheroes who employ the devastating powers of rage, angst, depression, and chocolate bingeing.

They are great at fighting all manner of petty crimes inflicted by their male counterparts - like not putting the toilet seat down, forgeting to take out the trash, and the most horrific crime of them all - failing to bring adequate supplies of chocolate home during "that time of the month."

Allison said...

*hurl*

earlleen said...

"horloge de le stylo du la baguette fo di fa fa!"

i took this to google translate and decided to try portugese to english. they suggested fo di=fodi. much to my surprise i can now say the f word in portugese.

thank you jen and john

Lauria said...

This summer, I bought a "WATERMELON" cake because it cracked me up that it was in quotes. WORST MISTAKE EVER.

It is as advertized. It tastes like "Watermelon" NOT watermelon. That artificial, super sweet bubblegum flavor. Disgusting. One of my co-workers thought it was DELICIOUS, though. Blah!