Thursday, July 28, 2011

It's TOO DARN HOT

Thursday, July 28, 2011

If you're not one of the people complaining about the heat right now, then you're one of the people complaining about the people complaining about the heat.

Either way, we all have the same problem:

Bad bikini cakes.


Yep, this record-breaking heat wave has clearly addled bakers' brains, my friends, and the results simply aren't pretty.


Unless maybe you're looking for two trees in a Seuss-ian landscape.

Er...

[head tilt]

Naaaah.



Whoah. It's like I can't even see the tomato soup skin!



[singing] The hills are ALIIIIVE...

With butterfly CENsor dots!


No, wait. I have a better song.

(Ahem hem hem.)


From the MOUNT-ains,

To the VAL-leys,

To the OH-shoot!

Is that a THOOOOONG?

GOOOOOD bless America!

My...

Oooohhh soooo wroooong!



Thanks to Heather R., Melissa D., Heather H., Ellen G., & Ginny, who will never look at a heart cookie the same way again.

The Pink Drink Ladies said...

They all seem to resemble what I imagine the landscape on another planet would look like.

Professionals? Pa Ha Ha

Jackie

Anonymous said...

Went for my mammogram yesterday. I'd like to put these in the squishy-tit machine!

WV:ovens-really, ovens!

phelpsgurl said...

HAhAHAHAhahA!
I am SOOO hearing Kate Smith sing that...which makes it a whole lot funnier...

WV: unclut - An uncle with an unusual pasttime.

Goody said...

I like the clever placement of the sun in the last picture. it reminds me of something...

SuBee said...

That butterfly nipple cake? I can't imagine breasts looking less appealing.
It's like two massive, orange mountains protected by giant Mothra-like butterflies.

AND they're all a little heavy on the spray tan. Except for the cookie with the horrible skin disease. A result of too much exposure to the sun, perhaps.

Scorp said...

Time to get some sunscreen.

Kerri said...

Wow, not only is that a thong cake... it's a thong WINDOW display! What bakery thought that beauty up?

TrekGirl said...

You should have to pass a test showing you can decorate well to get a special license to make anatomical cakes...

On second thought, no one should EVER make thong cakes... wrong... so wrong...

Haiku Joy said...

Hey, Summer Lover,
consider a new parlor.
Tramp stamp's akilter.

mouse said...

...my first reaction would have been censored. So I'll just say, well, I don't think I'd want to eat a piece of someone's behind.
:-)

(Happy Thursday Jen! Please no cadaver cakes tomorrow.)

WV: eters. Who wants two eters this hear cake?

Elizabeth said...

Call me a stickler for detail, but #2 is either a great contortionist or somebody put the ass and breasts on the same side.

Elizabeth

Haiku Joy said...

Yellow polka-dot
stuffs ice cubes down her swimsuit.
Refreshing! Drippy!

Anonymous said...

I love how the upside down heart/bikini cake has a tramp stamp. Because it wasn't quite bad enough.

Trevor said...

That's awesome. I'm not sure why the butterflies were on the one cake. If I saw that normally, I'd never have guessed what it was SUPPOSED to be.

Sharyn said...

Did anybody else notice the giant zit on the thong cake's ample expanses? (I hope I didn't insult the baker, but she needs to learn to turn the other cheek...)

phelpsgurl said...

That last one looks like an omage to "Grease - Redneck Edition":

♪Summer lover
Got me tat
Summer lover
Tat was so bad♪

WV: amyou - Creative cursing.

Donkaloosa said...

I have lost all interest in heart shaped cakes or cookies. Anytime I see a heart motif I'll be thinking of female booties and tramp stamps...

okorolev said...

is a cookie "cake" trully considered cake? or is it in the same category as a CCC?

Loo-E Loo-I said...

wv: ilina
She wore an ilina bina Dr. Seuss landscape...err polka-dot bikina...

I really know better than to ask, but(t)...why is there a DOLL next to the thong cake?? O.o

Anonymous said...

"IS THAT A THOOOOOONG" Had me laughing out loud. Love it

Sarah

mel said...

A couple of quickies…

Cake #3: “Sergeant, that’s not what I meant when I said to camouflage the bazookas….”

Last cake: when they saw how bad their cake turned out, it just wrecked ‘em…..

wv-fixtums: you'd think when the bakers saw these they woulda fixtums...

Btbsgal said...

On the second cake ... is the butt piece on backwards?

WV: Lycolas - ask your doctor if Lycolas is right for you. Side effects may include spontaneously wandering body parts.

Monika Fischer said...

Hey I've been complaining about the LACK of heat! Send some of your hot weather and inappropriate cakes to the west coast!

Anonymous said...

@ Mel - you crack me up!

And I think the camo-bikini is actually well done.

Anonymous said...

The bakers who made those were suffering from heatstroke-how else do you explain those O_o

Anonymous said...

Did anyone else notice that the one in the camo bikini has no belly button?

Heather

SaraCVT said...

I live in the Pacific Northwest, one of the very few areas of the US that is NOT sweltering. Instead, we are wondering if it is EVER going to be summer before it gets to be fall. But given the temperatures in the rest of the country, I recently suggested to my mother that it might be the path of wisdom for us to just shut up.

Caroline B said...

'It was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow polka-dot bikini....'
Somehow I don't think that's what the songwriter had in mind. Have any of these bakers actually seen a woman?

Mary B said...

#2 - Baby got back! And boobs! On her back...

elissa said...

Ha ha ha .... ha.... um. heh. Hm. Snort. Giggle.
Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

My cube-maze neighbors are wondering.

Anonymous said...

#1's mutant body is boastin a rather fuzzy looking bikini. makes me think of pom poms with those dots. and it's not such an itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini, is it?

#2--trees in a Seussian landscape? I totally see it! and I prefer it that way....otherwise, I think we have some sort of "sexy" undergarments with garters connecting the two pieces, rather than a bikini. *shudder*

#3: spray tan camo chick! makes me wonder if that's her underwear or her bikini? and if she's the hunter or the hunted?

#$ & 5: OMG I love the songs! butterfly censor dots and a thong? TERRIFYING! who orders a cake like this--and from a display case?? Maybe the wreckerator is a little hard up and is working off his frustrations by molding these cakes. Beware--buyers, especially if there's a cream filling!

#6: yet another scary use for a heart shaped pan. meanwhile, that thong/sun placement is rather unfortunate. makes it look like the thong is riding down and exposing the sunny sphincter. YOWZA

Anonymous said...

though the butterflies on the mountains caught me off guard (is this a desert and butterflies are lost in it?) who is their market they're filling this display case hoping to attract? boobs with butterflies? a butt with a thong? next to dolls??? little girls, shield thy eyes!

the cookie cake having chocolate chips in it is really weird looking--like this person is mottled with moles.

camo cake looks like it has a footprint on it!

Seuss trees in ladybug land at least has a bellybutton. and look, it's two heart shaped pans end to end, yet ANOTHER recycled use for them. that baker should at least get props for most realistic skin tone in the icing shade. everything else looks like bad spray tan/tan in a bottle (too orange!)

wv: trancol. how you feel after a couple of cocktails on a quiet beach. "ah, it's so trancol here!"

Heather J. said...

Wow, I have to go on vacation with my family starting this afternoon and been dreading having to go to the pool. These "cakes" actually look worse than me in a bathing suit! WIN!

it's the hippy undertones said...

I'm disturbed by the fact that anyone anywhere thinks that any of these cakes might in anyway resemble the female form.

wv: ovelubba. Obviously, none of these wreckorators have ever seen an ovelubba in person.

Angie said...

"To the oh-shoot, is that a thong?" I'll never sing that song the same way again. Thanks. Really.

And those cakes... Yikes. I detest this heat, but even my brain isn't cooked enough to find those cakes edible.

Haiku Joy said...

Maybe cake-boobs have
two "on the back for dancing."
Thank you, Ruth Wallis!


~~~
Here is her song "Boobs" with a still of an album cover. Her NY Times obit describes her as "genteelly risqué.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPiAY9MALoE

Craig said...

Re: opening comment: I'm in the second group. I *remember* 'hot' -- what we're getting this year (in 'sunny' Southern Cal) so far ain't it. (People complaining about 'the heat' when the thermometer barely tops 80 need a checkup.)

#1 Rather than inflict another 'itsy-bitsy' reference, I'll just note that this one gives a new meaning to the term 'navel orange'.

#2 Another use for the heart pan. Only this one is arse-backwards.

#3 "Do you not know your back from your front, private?"

#4 Orange-y. Which word always recalls the Cars' 'Bye Bye Love'.

#5 I was momentarily confused. I thought the above theme was continuing, then the perspective -- and the world -- shifted. Thong is wrong.

#6 I don't think this is a heart pan. I do think cookie 'cakes' (and heart cakes from today on) belong in the CCC category. Butt cakes belong in the dumpster.

CeeCee said...

I love that the thong cake is in the display case right next to the doll cake. Must be a wide assortment of customers that cruise that bakery.
"Look sweetie, that dolly cake would be great for your birthday and the a** cake would be perfect for daddy's birthday."

Tiffany in Topeka said...

I so wish there was a way to give certain comments a "thumbs up"..... Does this mean I spend too much time of Facebook???

Receptionist Row said...

There was once a time when I could say that a giant cookie has never made me 'clinch'. This is no longer the case. But a 'tramp-stamped, thong wearing blotchy butt-checked cookie' has changed my clinching habits for good...well...not for the good, just for EVER!

Wow!!!

The English Teacher said...

And I'm just mystified as to why a bikini needs suspenders in the first place....

M.A.L. Diaries said...

It's not the heat... it's the stupidity.

(I wish I could say I invented that, but alas it is stolen. From somewhere.)

Stephanie said...

Yikes... good thing I have a strong stomach - I just ate! o_O

Oh, and my WV is freak - how appropriate. :P

JellyJo said...

That last one... Um, maybe I'm just dirty-minded, but I don't think that's a tramp stamp. I'm pretty sure that's what my friends and I call a "wonk". As in, you "wink" with your eye, and "wonk" with your... Well, let's just say it's a step beyond the traditional "mooning"!

WV: ratici - Is that a cute little ratici? Why yes it is! Come here, little rat and have some cheese!

Anonymous said...

These are the kinds of cakes I'd expect to see on a planet that has never before come in contact with actual humans.

That Dr. Seuss one looked like the bulging, blood-shot eyes of some cartoon villain. Spooky.

I thought the butterflies had alighted atop the ruins of a radio-active sandcastle.

Those thong cakes give a whole new meaning to the term "tastes like $hi+!" Ew.

Andrea

Anonymous said...

AAAAAAND now Cole Porter's in my head.

Anonymous said...

wv: ashhoes - are you sure that's a tramp stamp and not the ashhoes?

would love to know where these come from, since it seems every day there is at least one that seems related to the day's post

smallfly said...

My 3 year old son came in on the middle of this one. Starting with the Seuss cake, he saw a "ladybug, a bug, butterflies, ooh a PEACH!"

Sheepeys said...

Am I the only one who sees two small brains in #2? These are all amazingly disturbing...

Barbara said...

I'm one of the complainers about the heat. I'm also the one that complains when it's too cold. So I'm a year round complainer. I'll always find something to complain about.

Oh sure I'm also in the mood for dismembered cake on a hot summer day. That first one looks like it has some weird skin condition. I think that's a belly button although I'm not really sure.

The camo one is pretty good if you ignore the red skin. I guess someone forgot to put her sunscreen on. I think I'd be too scared to eat any of these cakes along with being very amused like that thong cake. Nothing beats a piece of thong cake after dinner.

M.E.PEREZ said...

gosh you're so lucky the weather here in France has been terrible for more than a month!!

Anonymous said...

Don't look all that bad to me actually.

Sam said...

Nothing says "summer" like a nice slice of buttercream buttfloss.

wolfkitten said...

Might i just add that the thong cake gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'get a piece of a$$'.

Anonymous said...

Okay, that first cake looks like it was knitted with some really thick sweater yarn made of icing.

That camo bikini cake COULD have been good if the skin tone was less 'tomato-y' and the bikini itself was smoother.

Oh dear LORD! THONG COOKIE IS WRONG!!!!

Morgan said...

It's winter here. We have a digital thermometer in the kitchen. I don't know why, because all it does is remind me how INCREDIBLY COLD it is *inside* the house.

(It's 15 in the kitchen, btw. I know that's not really *that cold* but it doesn't really get much colder here in Sydney. It is apparently 11 outside.)

Anonymous said...

Well if we MUST talk about the weather...I would RATHER talk about the Front Bum cake...
but
I'm checking in from sunny South Africa where it is the middle of winter, and last week I was sunnying my itsy bitsy camo bikini on the beach in 27Celcius (thats hecic winter warm in farenheit for you) and THIS week half the country has been SNOWED under in blizzards. People stranded their cars for 2 days! Seriously.
Just so wreckerators know the rest of the world is also feeling the effects of global warming. And.. Er ... Um... Which country is the main contributor to the worlds's carbon emissisions..oh poop wrong blog... Sorry nevermind.Fire up them SUVs...

msyendor said...

@sheepeys, my first thought on Cake #2 was "boobs for brains" + a**backwards

wv: subil -- the baker's subil reminder with the cookie thong butt is that the sun is also a star. Ew.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or is cake #2 shaped kind of like a dog bisquit?

KML said...

Awww,the first one looks like my 3-mo post-partum body in a bikini. I'm gonna go eat more cake now. :o(

Muffin said...

The second cake must be sporting back cleavage because the bottom half looks like a bottom.

In regards to the thong cookie....I guess the sun does shine there after all, or shines out.

Lauren said...

well...at least the thong cake didn't have any chocolate icing. That could have been baaaaaad

Kimpossible said...

Wow!!! I dont even know what to say!!!

GeekByMarriage said...

I kid you not the yellow bikini boobs were 3 inches thick with pure icing.... the horror!!

Inaya said...

The Dr. Seuss landscape is seen and can't be unseen. And for once I think I'm glad for that.

Love the songs!!!

dharmapupil said...

Is it too soon to call Epcot on the bottom/boob cake?

wv- sawint: What I just sawint quite right...

Kimberly Chapman said...

No need to floss after eating these cakes since they already did it for you.

Arlene said...

Either wreckerators have never seen boobs before or these cakes have been surgically enhanced lmao. I have never seen such huge melons before at least not on a cake...wow.

Anonymous said...

They're not going to get them photorealistic, you know. Cake and flesh are two different things.

Katie (Kali) said...

I love the song! I might have to start using that song if I ever go to the beach. However, seeing that I live in the Rocky Mountains in a landlocked state, that sadly won't be soon. But we are missing the heat wave at least, Western Montana is roughly 70 during the day, mid 40's at night.

Jamie said...

That second one looks like brain balloons or something.

Gale said...

The worst thing about that last one is, chocolate chips make for very bad skin!

Anonymous said...

I think that cake #5 looks like a turkey. Ya, a turkey in a thong. Yikes.