Monday, July 11, 2011

Here Comes the Snide

Monday, July 11, 2011

In honor of all the summer weddings this month, I decided to sing a little song.

(With apologies to Nat King Cole.)


Unforgettable...

That's what you are.


Unforgettable!

Beyond subpar!


Like a song of love that CLINGS to me...

(ew)

How the thought of you does THINGS to me...

(seeing...red...)

Never before has something been mooore...

UNFORGETTABLE!!

Someone will pay!


And forever moooore...

They'll rue the day!


That's why darling...

It's incredible...


That a wreck...

So unforgettable...


Could also be so...

...dang inedible too.


Thanks to Christin S., Amanda C., Rachael H., Jessi T., Chelsea W., Chase C., Amy S., Angela I., & Susan C. for scaring all the brides-to-be out there.
Tracy W. said...

The fifth one. Ew! I enlarged it to reassure my self that someone had not actually put live snails on the cake, but I'm still not sure. Why would you want rocks and snails on your cake? Any cake? Is this an indication of a slow moving relationship already on the rocks?

Anonymous said...

On #5 it looks like they're sinking into the cake... very slowly sinking into the cake...

Sharon

Haiku Joy said...

The Ghost of Cakes Past
sends a message. A soggy
oozing bon-bon message.


wv: genol

The genol idea was good even if the specific execution was wrecky.

Sharyn said...

I cleaned out my fridge this weekend and, as usual, there was that one hidden piece of tupperware stuck waaaayy in the back that had clearly been there a while. Its contents were EXACTLY the same colors as that first cake, which I'm now calling the "Forgotten Tupperware Surprise" cake. I think the 3rd and 4th would be great at a zombie wedding -- especially the 4th, which appears to have an exit wound.

Bon Appetit!

Jennifer said...

What is UP with the cake topper on #5? Are the bride and groom in Lamaze class?

Melissa said...

The red scribble on #4 reminds me of the Doctor Who episode "Fear Her". The scribble is alive and attacking the cake! Run!

SuBee said...

These wedding cakes always make me soooo sad (well, after I stop laughing, snorting, choking, whatever.) How must the brides feel when they first see these things? I guess some bride must have chosen that unusual cake topper (the groom trying to revive the bride after she faints upon seeing her cake?)
But the other brides must be so upset.

WV: borde- The cake decorator was bordes, so she just tossed some Cool Whip and Hershey's Syrup on the cake and called it a day.

Anonymous said...

Love the post, regrets to all those brides.
mocking

Alisha Rene' said...

WOW! those were...wow

Anonymous said...

My two year old daughter said of the third one: "Uh oh! Dirty!" lol

mel said...

Well...we all know what dripping brown frosting means...but the real interesting cakes here are the ones here that contain hidden in-jokes by the bakers, sometimes known as Decorator's Revenge: see how the the 6th cake and the last one bulge a little? This is a subtle reference to the bride being "in a family way," if you know what I mean.... And the 7th cake -- heard the expression "shotgun wedding"? See the little silver shotgun pellets shot into the cake.... A tip o' the toque to you, decorators!

wv-playd: "Been playd, brides..."

The Pink Drink Ladies said...

Is #8 suppose to be a giant bee hive above a flower garden?

Jackie

Dani said...

That's too bad. I can see the potential for about half of those to be lovely if executed properly.

Anita Cramer Wells said...

Brilliant parody, loved it.

Fluffy Cow said...

(Allow me to preface that I am sick)

1) How on earth do you forget the base layer of icing??

2)Perhaps if there were some really wrecky leaves, those things would look like flowers and not used toilet paper.

3) Why you don't put the chocolate fountain IN the cake

4) Ok, THIS one looks like those skinless people turning up in the museums nowadays!

5) I can't even...

6) Did they think the fake ice on the bottom would help?

7) I live in a small town in NC... so I've seen this in person.

8) This is the reason why there is the sign in the bathroom that says: Employees must wash hands before returning to work.

9) All I see are the perfect little boobies on the bottom.

ok... I'm gonna go look for more medication now.

Stephanie said...

The first one would actually look OK if it didn't look so... stale.

Anonymous said...

People PAID for those?! O_o

BP said...

*infinity*=number of people researching the song after they read the post. Seriously. You guys should just knock us dead with your fab. singing skills and use that nifty recorder thing like you did on the Nightmare before Christmas post. REALLY it would make everything much more shiny. :D Thanks for another hilarious post!

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Wow. Eww. Ugh.

wv: truro: So truro your wuv...
Skip to the end!
Have you the wing?

;-D

LadyFaith said...

aaaaaannnnddddddd....this is why I am doing cup cakes (noooo NOT a cupcakecake! Ptooie!) for my wedding! Praying I don't have to submit a picture to Jen for any other day but a Sunday post!


Faith

Sue said...

Maybe I stand alone, but I thought cake #1 was nicely done. Yes, the colors were dark and earthy (not my first choice for a wedding cake), but I liked the sueded texture and the bow is well made. Hopefully, that's what the baker was going for. All of the others are true wrecks, though. And I think those are nuts (chestnuts?) on #5.

zoomom said...

That red scribbly thing is making me itchy.

tiny p elephant said...

ya know , just leveling the cakes before stacking, putting a board between the cakes and some dowels would have saved some of these.

Emily said...

Oh how special that you showed wedding cake wrecks on my 2-year wedding anniversary!! Luckily for me, it did NOT bring back sad memories, as our cake was genuinely beautiful and delicious. One could be picky and point out that the little craft birds on the top looked sort of pissed, but you know, planning a wedding is very stressful!

Thank you so much and please keep the laughs coming!

~Emily

Kimberly Chapman said...

OMG someone unraveled Elmo all over that cake!

Wait...I think I'm okay with that.

*evil*

Craig said...

#1 I first thought this wasn't too bad. Then I made the mistake of looking again. How is the Abandoned Bakery able to do deliveries?

#2 'Learn by doing' is not always the best way.

#3 "Yeah, we had a little fire at the bakery -- how did you know?"

#4 I would bet the bride was 'seeing red' in another sense when this showed up.

#5 I'd have to agree with @Tracy W. on the 'rocks and snails', but I was distracted by the topper. I couldn't pose that way if my life depended on it, and what is going on with the bride? People don't bend that way.

#6 & 7 represent the awful gap that can develop between concept and execution. 'Execution' must have been what the brides were thinking as well.

#8 A beehive? Really? At least it passes the 'what is it' test, which is more than can be said for the bottom tier.

#9 Baker's note to self: "Must get new shocks on delivery van. Must also remember to frost tops of cakes."

strangemouse said...

Pretty it is Guylian Chocolate Seashells on #5 although that is no excuse! Oddly, my mum once put a random snail shell from the garden on my birthday cake (since I study snails), she does swear she washed it first!

Aliza said...

Good choice of accompanying song! I'm hoping it does NOT turn into an earworm though

#1: not my choice of colour for a wedding cake (Sharyn's description made me giggle!), but given how well the colour layer was done, this cake could have been gorgeous if only they'd remembered the icing. (how could they not have noticed?!)

#2: If they had left out that lumpy white icing, it would've been a mere wreck, and not horrible

#3: The white icing's a mess but the rest is chocolate, so forgivable. Yes, you can ALWAYS distract me with truffles ;)

#4. The baker over-reached. You have to be fabulous decorator to pull this kind of design off. If the decorator had stuck with something more conventional, it would not have made it to CW (on any day), and the bride would have been satisfied.

#5: ?! @Tracy W's comment, "is this an indication of a slow moving relationship already on the rocks" is absolutely brilliant! I knew people who gave those chocolate rocks as favours (with a tag saying something along the lines of "this relationship rocks!"), and that was cute, but it does NOT suit a cake. However, that topper would suit my sweetie and I perfectly-- I've been leaning on him like that since our teens (when I used to call him a "public leaning post"!).

#6 could have been nice if had been supported properly, and matched the greens. I notice they used the same topper as #7!

#7 if this was a cake made with love by a family member/friend who can bake but lacks decorating expertise, then it would be just fine. But for a pro, it's inadequate.

#8 the bottom cake falls into the same category as #7, and the top one-- a bee hive? as a wedding cake? That badly done, it's like #4

#9 is bad enough that I'm not willing to be charitable and say it's like #7. If you're incapable of assembling & decorating, don't try to do a wedding cake. Even if you're family!

WV 'supees'. I think these unfortunate brides got a nasty supees when they learned their baker's vision did not match their skill level.

Anonymous said...

OMG! I made the groom's cakes for the wedding where they served cake #7. I made 2, 3-D life sized Cowboys helmets and I made sure to tell my friend, who was a bridesmaid to let everyone know that I DID NOT MAKE THAT WEDDING CAKE!!!!!

Dan Elman said...

you guys are being waaay too harsh!

First of all, for a SpongeBob themed wedding, that first cake is perfect! even classy, if you think about it.

And as for Cake #7, for a contempo-chrome-pearl-studded-violet-line-drawing-of-Machu-Picchu cake, it works!

Red Wolf said...

The things on #5 are those Belgian chocolate seashells, like Guylian makes. They're actually really tasty.

wv: squillyn. I don't know what it means, but it sounds like some sort of ocean creature to me.

Brenda said...

#1 Spongebob gets the pox!

J RM said...

I was kind of wondering if #1 was a really accurate replica of a pre-fab styrofoam cake, because, while disturbing as all get-out, that would actually be pretty impressive.

Donna said...

Cake #3 looks like it just spent yesterday here in the hottest spot in the nation at 112 degrees! Poor thing is melting everywhere!

Tali said...

These cakes look home made, not professional. I think some of these brides tried to "cut" expenses. Perhaps some had and Aunt, or BFF who said, "Hey, a wedding cake? I can do that!" If any of these were my wedding cake, I would do the cake cutting first thing to destroy the evidence!

Anonymous said...

How upset those brides must have been :(

bassgirl said...

I showed these to a friend of mine who is getting married in two months. Her reply:

"Hooo....some of these look like Dr. Seuss after some bad acid..."

pattiecovert said...

You guys got me! What's wrong with #1?

Anonymous said...

The red one makes my eyes bleed. Don't people look at their work and go "Nah, I can't send this out." ?? I guess not but I'm betting most of these are friends or relatives doing the cake, if these are "Pros" they need to find another line of work.

Philly Paul

Mrs. V said...

my 7 year old was looking at today's post with me and started laughing uncontrollably "Those are crap!" was all she could get out....I thought you'd like to know you're reaching the next generation already hahaha

AlisonH said...

I laughed so hard at that unexpected punchline--thank you! Bravo!

B.J. Caulfield said...

Aw, they seemed to really try in the first one. The bow doesn't look too terrible. :P

David said...

Best entry ever!

TisforTonya said...

can't decide which is worse... the first one (which I'm assuming was meant to resemble moldy swiss cheese)... or the bleeding red silly string cake... or the fifth - where the groom is having to pick up his drunk bride off their collapsing disaster?

the song? that made up for at least one of the cakes :)

emjaykae said...

I think #5 is supposed to be a beach scene - upon zooming in, it looks like there is some brown stuff scattered on the top that is supposed to be sand and the happy couple is reclining/slumping/comatose on the beach. I had to zoom in about 4 levels before I figured out that those were chocolate shells and not dates on the bottom layer.

adune: let's rent adune buggy after the ceremony!

BADKarma! said...

Compared to the rest of them the first one is not terrible, it's simply ugly. Which is about as damned with faint praise as it's possible to get, I suspect.

WV - Rehorked: Do I really need to explain this one?

Anonymous said...

Are you sure about cake #1? Looking at the skill used to create the bow on top, I find it hard to believe the baker "forgot" to frost the cake. Perhaps this is how it was ordered? Maybe a misguided attempt to cut calories?

Oh, and the color is horrible.

Anonymous said...

Cake #5- It looks like a couple, overdressed at lamaze class. Sadly, this is too often a reality. Can anyone say "shotgun wedding"? You bring the shotgun, we'll fix the cake! ~Jenn~

Anonymous said...

#4 looks like a crime scene minus the body.. Yikes!!

julie said...

that just hurts my eyes...

mimi said...

umm.... the bon-bon/chocolate drizzle cake looks yum to me. so, umm, i dunno

Anonymous said...

I read all the posts so far to see if anyone mentioned 'mold' referring to cake #1. Mixing such a specific color could have been difficult!

Sandy C also in so fla said...

I saw these this am when there were only 5 comments and I really wanted to comment then. But my company has new filters that block me from being able to.

These have got to be some of the worst cakes I have ever seen. OMG I was breathless as I scrolled thru.

I too was stopped cold to see what looks like snails on a cake. I almost barfed in my mouth.

Sandy

Anonymous said...

Remember that the decorator doesn't get to choose the colors! #1 is well executed but the colors... ick. The rest MUST be done by a "friend." I would choke someone if I paid for that mess.

Jennifer said...

That beach "cake" topper looks like the groom is coaching the bride in Lamaze.

Lady of the loch said...

Not to mention ... and rather regrettable too.

Anonymous said...

Wow, I am truly shocked by these, that are made by professionals! People paid for these cakes! Good grief, I feel really bad for the brides and grooms facing these monstrosities--forever immortalized in photos too!
Lesley B.

Ray-ray said...

I love the choice of song, I actually heard Nat King Cole in my head. He really kept it together (the professional that he is) but there was only so much he could do to hide his displeasure.
Gosh I hope those people got refunds!

Rachel said...

The topper on #5 probably didn't look so strange from a different angle. I think this is it: http://www.a1weddinginvitations.net/images/Cake%20Topper%20Wedding%20Couple%20Beach%20Figurine%208653.jpg

Anonymous said...

I know I'm past the comment period, but I can't figure out how the bee hive is floating over the bottom cake - let alone why. Is there some kind of clear platform that I can't see. And why is the bee hive floating over the bottom cake. All these cakes appear homemade to me. Remember the great post where the bride's mother made the cake as it melted before her eyes.

rqw1968 said...

Cake 3 = Fire Swamp Terror #2

#Just sayin' ...

Rachael said...

As the Submitter of #3, I can tell you that it's definitely a professional--it was on their website as a display of the "awesome" things they've done.

I can only hope that the bride and groom were fans of Jackson Pollock. That would explain a lot. But then I hope the baker didn't use some of his more, uh, controversial materials in the cake.

Arlene said...

Arghhhhhhhhhhhh these are just beyond words. Especially the donut and melting poop frosting one.. gross and scary. The one cake with the red on one side looks like the red is trying to jump off and escape the cake lol. Why did they do this to the poor brides? Were they on Bridezillas??

yogurt said...

Are those snails on cake #5? I mean, why did it take so long for cake bakers to figure out the romantic meaning of snails?

Sharon said...

Say, is it possible to vet the ads that you have on this site? I was exceedingly annoyed by seeing one of those ridiculous "you are the Xth visitor! Congratulations, you won! Click here!" ads bopping and shuddering in down the side of the screen while trying to read your post.

Those ads always feel like they're trying to take advantage of idiots. Probably because they're trying to take advantage of idiots. And they are so Web 1.0.

This site is better than that. Or, at least, it should be. If you can get rid of them, please do so.

Craig said...

Good detective work, @Rachel. Now the topper on #5 makes sense, and the 'beach theme' decodes the 'snails'. Are we to infer that there is a simple and believable explanation for the other entries?

I think Genesis said it best: "It must be some misunderstanding, it must be some kind of a cake..."

BTW, I first thought #1 was sponges. Then I went to 'sponge cake'. Then I thought the off-green spots looked moldy, which is when I decided it must have come from the Abandoned Bakery.

MadTigerKitty said...

I have to say, today I was more excited to read what you had written than to look at the cakes. You make me laugh every time! Can you guys please make a youtube channel of #1 signing all the song spoofs? Pretty please!

UKRuth said...

#3 might not look neat or smooth but it looks very tasty!

Mafdet said...

I actually think #1 could be quite adorable if only the colours were different.
As it is, it looks like someone found a mouldy old cake in the back of the fridge.


wv: dorstish
Sounds like the way the inside of my mouth might feel after eating from cake #1.

john (the hubby of JEN) said...

Sharon,

I didn't know about them but those ads tick me off too. And I hope you're right that we're better than that. I'm going to go yell at someone now and get them taken down but if you see them again, please let me know.

Thanks,

john

Robin said...

Our wedding is less than a month away and I have no fears about the cake..if it's horrible then I'll probably laugh my butt off and say "WE MADE CAKEWRECKS" I'll only be sad if it's bad but not bad enough to make the cut

Anonymous said...

You're not joking about scaring the brides. After reading this blog for the past two years, I was a total bridezilla about my wedding cake last June. When the bakery missed their delivery slot and I realized I wouldn't even be able to preview the cake before the reception began, I nearly had a panic attack. I was sure it was a wreck. Thank goodness it turned out just fine. But, I'm really very happy that I didn't see this post beforehand: )

Aurora said...

The baker of the first one might have some potential. If they can learn to not combine colors and textures like that. o_O It looks like a combination of faded old play-doh with something I left in the back of my fridge too long. In B&W, it wouldn't look so bad, though.

The one with the messy chocolate drizzles looks tasty, but not pretty. The others... X_x

wv: testr
A person who does quality assurance on spellcheck products.

Chrissy said...

I honestly want to understand who on earth tells these people that they ought to go into cake decorating. It's just unbelievable.

Sarah said...

the sand wedding cake i submitted should be here. it was awesomely horrible.

BadCzech said...

I ended up decorating most of my brother's wedding cake since my mom (a former decorator) couldn't say no to him but couldn't do it due to arthritis. Now I don't feel so bad about how it turned out.
p.s. getting the icing smooth is HARD!!

Tom said...

I have to stop visiting this site at work. I cannot control the laughing and the streaming tears!

Anonymous said...

Ya, know, that first one MIGHT have been nicer if they went with better colors.

It's a SIN, I tell you, that what could have been lovely cakes are destroyed by inept bakers.

Anonymous said...

John (tHoJ), thank you! I loathe those ads too, so I definitely appreciate your trying to keep them off the site. :)

hyphen8 said...

Just a note: on my last comment, I clicked the "name/URL" option but the box to put my name in didn't pop up. Weird.

Anyway, thanks again for doing your best to keep those annoying ads out. The site is more than worth the occasional irksome ad, but I still hate them. :s

Anonymous said...

Beautiful!

LizThom said...

At first I thought the picture of the last one was taken at a deliberately wonky angle - then I saw the upside-down dessert plate stuck under the base of the cake...yes, folks, it is even more wrecky than the picture makes it appear!

John david said...

Fantastic wedding cakes. I like this wedding cakes to use my wedding day.