Friday, July 1, 2011

Big Bangs

Friday, July 1, 2011

Note: Today's post contains a word that starts with "p" and rhymes with "Venus." Parents, please parent accordingly.


Before you head out to stock up on fireworks this weekend, here's a handy tip from the folks over at Lamebook:


Perhaps I should rephrase that.

(Also: ow.)


What I meant was, when it comes to fireworks, you really want the most bang for your buck:

So always look for the cartoon steam whistle shouting, "Bang!"


You should also familiarize yourself with what fireworks actually look like, so you don't end up with a bunch of...bombs. (See what I did there?)

Even if they are patriotically potent powerful penis-ish ones.

No, trust me, you don't want sprinkles.


I see...slushies.



Oh my gosh! They killed Blinky!


(That's the red ghost from Pac-Man, kids. Now stop making me feel old.)



Important rocket safety tip:

The flamey bits should always come out the back.


Also, don't forget your patriotic donut holes!

At least they remembered the blue balls this time.



Oh, and Canada, lest you think I've forgotten you:

Happy Bloody Band Aid day!

(Once you see it, it's all you'll see.)


Thanks to Jessica G., Dawn S., Gail D., Deanna T., Amber S., Leanne O., Saralyn T., & Jennifer O., who make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh" while they shoot across the sky-y-y.

In a firework-y way, I mean.

Not a penis-ishy way.



NEW GOAL: Work the word "penis-ishy" into as many conversation today as possible. Starting...NOW.


Mrs B. said...

LMAO, I knew who Blinky was without the help. You're not old! :)

Anna

Christie said...

Penis-ishy. Best word ever.

Stephanie said...

That first one is a doozy! It totally made me blush.

The Pink Drink Ladies said...

Rumor has it that the one dollar bill has a connection with a prominent secret society. I believe the celebration of Independence Day has a connection
with another type of celebration, if you know what I mean. These pictures, fireworks going off, shooting in the sky, all make things so much clearer.

This entire 4th of July celebration is penis-ishy suspicious to me.

Jackie

mel said...

A big tip of the ol'...err...hat...to you for these holiday...tips....

wv-crochs: When using fireworks, everyone should also protect their crochs.

mimi said...

The guy at the DQ did that on purpose. There is NO WAY that was not on purpose. I refuse to believe otherwise.

WV: peninon when bakers try and get penises onto cakes anonymously and call it something else, it's a peninon.

Anonymous said...

From now on I will call those who disagree with me politically, "Patriotic Donut Holes.

Anonymous said...

Patriotic Penishes?
All those cakes should be washed, right down the patriotic drainishes.
Great post.
mocking

Little Lovables said...

Okay, so this post reminds me of NicePeter's (ha!) epic rap battle of history between Napolean Dynamite and Napolean Bonaparte.... you'll see why at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AeNYDwbm9qw

(if you love that, than you must watch Einstein vs. Steven Hawking)

Anonymous said...

The first thought that went through my head when I saw Cake #1 - Wow! Captain America is getting all...penis-ishy!! Then I read your comments and found out it was just a messed up fire cracker. Ho hum.

wv - underse: I bet Ariel doesn't have one of those underse!

Sharyn said...

Don't worry. If your cakes are "penis-ishy," you just need frosting made with "penis-illen."

Anonymous said...

That first one is wrong on SO many levels.... O_o as for the others-have they any idea what a firecracker looks like???

L.B. said...

Happy Bloody Band Aid day to you too, J&J at Cake Wrecks! :)

elissa said...

My husband thinks I'm nuts because I'm chortling. I'm afraid to show him the page.

I don't think he'd appreciate the "-ishy" part of penis-ishy.

Stephanie said...

I think I see the trouble here. None of these decorators have ever seen a real firecracker. Explains so much!

elissa said...

These cakes are perniciously penis-ishy!

(Has anyone else noticed that penis-ishy is really hard to type, let alone say?)

WF: herfu. I don't think I'm going to go there.

Emmer said...

Reading CW and Epbot in the mornings ALWAYS give me a great jumpstart for my day! Thank you so very very much for all the laughs!

Michelle S said...

Those are great! In a horrible way. But I have to say the "bloody band-aid" one brought me to tears!!

Jennifer said...

No... No... No... No... No...

Also, those blue doughnut holes look moldy.

Now, back to No... No... No... No...

Laurel said...

Baby, you're a penis!

Ashbuny said...

ok, the first one makes me think the baker obviously just broke up with their bf...

and i just about died laughing when the blue balls made their appearance...

and lastly... penis-ishy?!?!? well.. now i'm laughing soo hard i'm crying! what a way to start the holiday weekend!!

BRAVO JEN!! BRAVO!!

Anonymous said...

Clyde will never recover from the loss of Blinky.

Anonymous said...

Sky rockets in flight. Afternoon delight. A-a-a-a afternoon delight!

AngelaJ said...

When I saw poor Blinky dead, I honestly heard the PacMan dead sound.

And penis-ishy is totally the new word for the day!

Minniemissy said...

Very penisishy. Certain thinng just dont look good as a cake.

Fluffy Cow said...

Penis-ishy fireworks are da bomb.

Just not on cakes.
(Yay! I used the new word!)

pinkie said...

Anonymous said...
From now on I will call those who disagree with me politically, "Patriotic Donut Holes.



~falls off chair, laughing~

pikkewyntjie said...

The Canada Day cake is in honor of the worst injury ever received in Canada's brave struggle for independence. Yeah, a guy got a nasty paper cut while handling the paperwork! :D

I'm kidding! I'm kidding! Well, sorta.

WV: flyin
I don't think those cakes will be flyin off the shelves unless it's straight into the garbage can.

Anonymous said...

Makes me proud to be an American and wish I were a Canadian.

Great post!

tari said...

My darling almost-4-yo saw #3 and said, "Look, Mom, a lighthouse!" Glad she's not quite reading yet to truly enjoy today's post.

waffles said...

It's a 4th of July salute to modern medical practices-- bloody band-aids, and I swear that first one has something to do with a catheter.

wv: poopme. I am too stunned to think of anything to say, aside from "oh, sh*t, you've gotta be kidding."

Nami said...

If we were to get Sigmund Freud to read the posts and the comments herein, I think he would have had a O HAI penis-ishy day!

lolololololol

Haiku Joy said...

Whistle feels blue, bummed.
Who dares light his fire? Who is
brave enough for "bang?"

wv: surefan

It's too easy.

Anonymous said...

Who knew fireworks could be so weiner-ish.... OOORRRR... Who knew so many people had gutter brain?? haha

Haiku Joy said...

My own haiku just made me blush when I came back to read it. That's how I know it's good.

Elizabeth said...

Wow....just wow. After reading Jen's Epbot post yesterday, John, I was expecting something much more . . . um . . . Canadian . . . instead of penis-ishy. But these cakes are certainly . . . um. . . interesting, to say the least. Hopefully the Canadians among us aren't offended by the bloody bandaid cake. LOL

WV: impacke - (yes, really!) WOW! Look at those "fireworks"! They really make a HUGE impacke! ;)

BADKarma! said...

I think that first one is a tribute to Post Candiru Trauma Syndrome... (blinkblink)...

Penisishly! (hahahahahahahaha!)

WV - Yingle: Yah, dat yingle looks infected, Sven... You should see da doc about it... You might have a Candiru in dere.

zoomom said...

My wv. is "bursts"! Really! Is it possible that it is just coincidence? Seems a little penis-ishy to me.

mizdarlin said...

Penis-ishy? I thought she was a vagina...

Tarri said...

The 'Patriotic Donot Holes' remind me of all the 'patriotically' painted bollards, walls and street lights they have around here. Some how i think shouting ''Vive La France'' every time i see them, wouldn't actually go down too well.
Yeah I live in Northern Ireland.

The English Teacher said...

Uh, is it just me, or does that third cake look like an Independence Day Christmas stocking?

Terrrs-uh said...

i showed this to my mom's boss and she thought it was hysterical. love it when bosses decide it's okay to have a sense of humor on the job :)

JMB said...

Did anyone else read "bloody band-aid" with a British accent in your head?

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhhh my.... Do people really pay for these things!

Anonymous said...

Wow, yesterday we had sperm, today we have maker-of-sperm.

Love it!!!!

Anonymous said...

I am canadian and totally offended by the bloody bandaid comment... You bunch of Patriotic Donut Holes.

Just kidding. I think the baker of the canada cake must of been celebrating Canada Day a little early, and we do that by walking to the beer store, bringing home a 2-4, drinking and repeating as nessicary.

Craig said...

Er, uh... [fondly remembering the days when wreckerators were not sure how many stripes the Flag should have or were perhaps confused about the color scheme.]

@pikkewyntjie, as an American who has zero use for bureaucrats regardless of nationality, I find your comment completely non-offensive. Not to mention funny.

That said, think I'll mosey on over to the shelter, just in case. I'll bring some Canada Dry Cream Soda and some non-patriotic donut holes. (I have a lingering suspicion of red food coloring while blue...well, you know, is really not my idea of 'guy food'. It's that whole 'you are what you eat' thing (shudders).

Anonymous said...

Wow.

Just. wow.

o.O

-Barbara Anne

Anonymous said...

That first one is just perspective, the top of the firecracker.

Christine said...

That thing on the Canada cake reminds me of Santa's belt. 'Cause you know, he lives up in northern Canada... where it's cold... maybe...
:-P

Arlene said...

I have no idea why but the statement at least they remembered the blue balls this time.. made me die of laughter and my poor hubby just looked on at me. Ahhh Blinky they finally got you you mean Pac-Man eating jerk. He got me so many times as a kid I guess I hold old grudges lol.

michelej said...

@Craig -

Don't forget the mayonnaise. I'm just sayin'...

dykewife said...

happy *used* bandaid day :) to you too.

kirstie said...

I'm impressed. I donated to "mycharity:water" 18 months ago (during your x-mas 1 dollar a day challenge ) and today out of the blue I received an e-mail updating me on where my donation went & the difference it made AND they didn't ask me to donate more or even suggest that they needed more money; Which of course makes me want to donate again. When does this ever happen?

Thanks for putting me in touch with what seems to be a really refreshing (yet it, refreshing, HAHA) charity.

and of course thanks for all the penisy-ish humour.

Daisy said...

Unfortunate color choice on wreck#1, or my mind must be in the gutter a lot...

Jennifer said...

I just ordered a cake for my son's July 4th birthday. I asked that they put fireworks on it. The girl who took the order had just told me that she was new and had NEVER done a cake order before. I was already worried about what kind of wreck I'll end up with; now that I've seen this post I'm positively frightened!

steveandonna said...

LOL I would have so given the decorator at DQ an extra tip for that first wreck. Mondo funny.

Doughball said...

My new favorite word, which I am going to try to introduce into as many conversations I can, is penis-ishy. Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said...

It's astonishing how much time and effort goes into making some of these cupcake cakes epically bad. Making them decent boxes of cupcakes would actually be easier. Take that patriotic . . . Christmas . . . stocking . . . thing. Start with bald cupcakes. Swirl on some white frosting in a big old rosette using a big old rosette tip or smooth on some of the glossy kind, whichever. Sprinkle with red white and blue sprinkles. Done, and probably in half the time.

The first cake: Thanks for warning me. How the hell didn't anybody at the bakery notice?

Word verification: tuper. Dat cake id dust tuper, idn't it?

Anonymous said...

Okay, so what is there with the band-aid? I really cannot see it. At all :/

bmpashle said...

bloody band-aid cake is a rather apt description

Esther said...

I called my husband over to look at this cake "that's supposed to be a firecracker." He walked over and blurted out "Why is that a penis?" I told him it was supposed to be a firecracker and he replied "That's a broken a penis. Someone actually made that for a real person?" And... we have the whole point of CW!

Aliza said...

Reading this post with a guy was doubly amusing-- your humour, his wince ;)

The only thing I can think of to explain #1, 2, and 6 (all with fire/explosion coming out of the side of the 'rocket') is that (a) the wreckerator has only seen fireworks disasters, where those lighting the rockets get maimed because the cheap rockets blew up rather than shot up, or (b) they are in rather desperate need of sex ed.

@Anonymous at 10:17-- brilliant.
@pikkewyntjie-- well, of course, Canadians would never be so impolite to actually assert our independence with weaponry ;)

Is it just me, or is that so-called maple leaf upside down? (BTW, "Bloody band aid" and penis-ishy were definitely awesome descriptors!)

Gary said...

The idea that donut holes might be feeling patriotism or any other sentiment is a little too frightening for me at this hour of the morning.

Briana the Magnifi-can't said...

When I saw the "firework" cake at first, I thought, "bending over, pants exploded!" BANG!