Friday, June 3, 2011

I Guess The Butt Was Laughed Off?

Friday, June 3, 2011

I like Dexter. I know it's a horrible show and I shouldn't, but I do. (This is John, by the way. Jen claims she'd rather "exercise" than sit through a single episode. Harsh.) Still, there's one thing missing that I think would make Dexter truly great: puns.

Think about it. The occasional "good" CSI-style pun could transform Dexter from a pretty decent cop show about a psychopath who chops bad people up into little pieces and keeps blood in his air conditioner into a pretty decent cop show about a psychopath who chops bad people up into little pieces and keeps blood in his air conditioner...with puns.

Allow me to demonstrate. (With a little - ok, a lot - of help from Jen.)


Random cop 1: "Hey, Dex! Take a look at this blood splatter in the garden."

Dexter: [serious look] "Well, I guess the killer didn't stop... to smell the roses."



Random cop 2: "Oh, man! It looks like the victim's nose was sliced off with a cheese grater!"


Dexter: [putting on sunglasses] "Hmm. I smell a rat."


Random cop 4: "And his feet were thrown over the back wall!"

Dexter: [taking off sunglasses] "So you're saying he got a little...foot loose."


Random cop 753: "I think we found the rest of him over here by the tool shed! Does this look like murder to you, Dex?"

Dexter: [putting on sunglasses again] "Ab-solutely."


Random cop Bob: "Cause of death appears to be a small steel marble lodged in the brain. The vic was a famous marble-collector, but a few seem to be missing from their cases."

Dexter: [squinting] "So losing his marbles was the last thing to go through his mind."

Random cops: [applauding]


Random cop 8675309: "What the...? Hey, Dexter, I think we have an extra limb over here!"

Dexter: "Huh. Maybe the perp was looking to get a leg up on killings."

[silence]

"No? Ok...uh...

"This is a killer who never toes the line."

[everyone avoiding eye contact]

"Still no? Ok, ok, I got it:

"Looks like those little piggies went, 'Whee whee whee! We're DEAD.'"



Thanks to Kelly M., Joanne D., Jenny W., Emma R., & Anna I. for putting murder...on the menu.

Although I don't think I'll be eating again any time soon.


--------------------------------------------------



Jenniffer said...

So friggin funny! I love Dexter almost as much as I love this blog! Speaking of puns, you have noticed that Dexter's boat is named "Slice of Life", right?

bassgirl said...

I'm with you...looking at these cakes is a great weight-loss plan. The leg missing the toes in particular made my stomach clench into a knot. Ugh.

wv: itepr Thanks for being an itepr and helping us understand these wrecks.

Usagi said...

The brain cake reminded me of Gary Olman's hair in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Kay said...

Gasp...................{crickets chirping}.....................................................................................................................................

Anonymous said...

I'm fairly certain that the majority of those puns have been used by Horatio Caine on CSI Miami.

helenabucket said...

Random Cop 8675309? You owe me a new computer monitor. Mine's sullied with Diet Coke.

Anonymous said...

Now I have that Jenny song stuck in my head :-)

Donna said...

Ok, you had me on the maggot infested torso...then the foot with the toes amputated.....UGH! Thanks for helping my diet today!

yellowpickup said...

This post was great! I love the Tommy Tutone reference!

Courtney said...

YEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH

Melinda said...

WTH is the deal with the last cake? Is it "celebrating" someone's toe amputation? From an extremely swollen foot? I guess that we should be "grateful" that there was no toenail fungus involved on the remaining toes.

wv--tridetel: Don't attempt to make sense of these cakes; I tridetel make your brain hurt.

Lydia Ruby Atsma said...

Please no Horatio Cane jokes on my precious Dexter!!! LOL

Miss Mindy said...

OK, OK. You've had your fun with Dexter. (Jen - it's a great show! Read the books for better insight.) But a mash-up with "H"? Our "good little monster" would have to break Harry's Code if he had to work with "H". http://www.cracked.com/funny-116-david-caruso// I once more fail miserably at embedding a link but it explains so much about Horatio Caine.

Now see? The juxtaposition of Dexter and H distracted me from the wreckiness - which was probably a good thing today.

Michelle said...

That was HIGHLY entertaining :)

Marylee said...

Yeah - I think I threw up in my mouth a little bit when I saw the dirty toed foot! :(

Rachel said...

HA!!! This was one of the best posts yet!! LOL, very funny stuff. I love you guys, you brighten my morning everyday :)

SarahRod said...

@Melinda (10:11am) - when my Mom had her mastectomy, we threw a Boob Voyage party. The cake was in the shape of single ta-ta. Sometimes you have to joke, or the horror overtakes you.

I'm wondering, though, why a birthday cake would be in the shape of a (huge and very pale!) nose.

wv: nuffici I've seen nuffici body part cakes to last me a lifetime!

Anonymous said...

The nipples are so close together! And the weird chocolate hairiness of it! Nightmare fodder for reals. Oh the horror! D: (Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.)

leorising

Sharyn said...

Hey, John (THOJ)

I'm glad Jen gave you a hand with those.

KimberlyAlsp said...

I love Dexter! The books are great too, sometimes a little too much like the show [in regards to story line], but when reading it, it's like I'm watching the show.. which is awesome.
And you guys are awesome. And this blog is awesome.
!

Gary said...

Since nobody's eating anyway--

My grandmother once had to have some toes amputated due to gangrene.

Now I'm kicking myself for not thinking of ordering a special foot-effigy cake to celebrate the occasion.

sendingtheclowns said...

Hmmmm....
We get to pick between dirty toes, a giant nose, a bloody rose...and MAN NIPPLES.
Oh, and the *brain* that makes me think of Bishop's mitre.
If it's all the same to you, I think I'll just sit here and wait for the ass that got laughed off to return.

~~takes out a book and kicks back~~




=^u.u^=

elissa said...

Do you guys watch Castle? Also an excellent source for ... um ... less-than-tasteful (kind of like these cakes) one-liners. And, of course, Nathan Fillion.

WV is too good to pass up: pelve. Pelvis abbreviated, of course. Perhaps by a chainsaw.

Anonymous said...

This post reminds me of this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3K4yioL2ngI

I say ... jackpot.

I will never, ever, ever understand body part cakes, fwiw, but the wreck factor makes them worse.

Maureen said...

Great puns!

Anonymous said...

Laughing my @$$ off, more at the puns than the cakes. I've never seen Dexter but can definitely see any of the CSI actors saying all of these. Thanks for making my day! :-)

Loo-E Loo-I said...

How could you tell Dexter was squinting if he had his sunglasses on? lol ;-D

wv: litumecr: Don't li tu me crop #8675309, she won't be jamming anytime soon, will she?

Ms. MM said...

Imma stick to NCIS and the various movie references.

But those cakes are disturbing...I can just see DiNozzo making some kind of crude reference and being soundly slapped across the head.

Anonymous said...

I have always been perplexed by why those puns are so cheesy coming from Horatio Cane. However, when Gil Grissom does his one liners they are so sexy. It's almost as if the Las Vegas CSI'er are so above it and don't want to do it, but Horatio embraces the cheese, he relishes it. Anyway good job!!

wv: toranter

These cakes will toranter me in my dreams!!

tiny p. elephant said...

Never saw Dexter so I don't get the jokes, butt those cakes are horrible, horrible. I may never eat cake again!
I swear that 4 toed cake is going to chase me in my dreams tonight.

MissNay said...

This is my favorite. You guys are beyond brilliant.

Amanda Mac said...

So, uh, that decapitated-toe foot thing... poor cake has a pretty bad case of edema. Makes me wonder what the real leg looked like.

Also makes me not really want lunch...

Robin said...

and there goes my lunch.

wv- psync - name of a boy band because nsync was taken

sendingtheclowns said...

Wellllllllllllllllll....the foot bone's connected to the leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the...uh...
(Tries again): Okay! The chest hair's connected to the nose hairs, the brain lobe's connected to the ear lobes (not shown)...the...hmmmm.
Look, this isn't working; I'm going to need more random body parts to finish this song.


~~Back to my book. =^u.u^=

Julie said...

Ooh, ooh! My chance to be the pedantic corrector who must point out your errors!

It's blood SPATTER, not SPLATTER. I'm a forensic scientist, I know these things.

And that toe amputation cake is one of the grossest things I have seen.

Anonymous said...

(Epcot risk disclaimer: I can't read the comments in fear of spoilers because we haven't seen last season of Dexter yet. Although I will have to revisit these comments after we have caught up and see how the uproar compares to the SpongeBob riots.)

OMG! Jen doesn't like Dexter??!!!! Well, it had to happen sooner or later. John, keep working on her. Can't jump into the middle. Have to start with ep 1 to get desensitized. I thought for sure she would think he is a hottie.
Alex

Krantz said...

I heard every one of those puns in Horatio's voice.
Has anyone else ever seen the "David Crusoe school of acting" video? It's very appropriate with this post!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NCTUwfTq2I

Anonymous said...

Why *shouldn't* you like Dexter, John? It is not a "horrible" show, not by any stretch of the imagination. Season 1 was a TV minor masterpiece. OK, Season 2 was kind of all over the place, with too many new characters ranging from the merely unlikeable (Lundy) to the downright unlikeable (that British girl). However, in Season 3 it got right back on track. I liked Michael C. Hall in Six Feet Under, and in Dexter, he truly gives the performance of his life. Well worth watching, I'd say, and definitely one of my current faves. Sorry, Jen!

john (the hubby of JEN) said...

Anon,

It's the principle of the thing. A guy murders people and cuts them up into little pieces while talking to his dead father. And I enjoy it.

I don't know...

I just don't know...

john

Anonymous said...

Ick.

Katrina said...

John ~ This is interesting to me because I've never seen Dexter, but almost everyone I know says I HAVE to watch it because it's so great...

protojew62 said...

The brain, ab and toe-less cakes were too gross!
Oh John, I can certainly see why Jen married you! LOL You are quite the catch..love funny guys!

Puppygirl said...

Leave Dexter alone! Don't contaminate it by linking it with that CSI crap. (At the risk of starting/fueling an epcot) I’m not a rabid Dexter fan, but Dexter is far more intellectual and better written than most of what appears on CBS et al. And Castle is written much better, too. (Surprisingly for regular network TV.) I’ll curb my CSI rant at that (my husband, who likes Dexter AND CSI, is just rolling his eyes).

As for the cakes, they would have to be a lot more graphic to disturb my lunch (ate right through reading the post). I’ve had many a pathology discussion at the dinner table. But as far as cakes go, I’m a little disturbed by the feet-- are they supposed to look dirty? I’m going on the assumption that they were for a Halloween party. Any other explanation is just wrong.

Alastair said...

Yes, it's a very unusual principle. In one way, it is heart-sickening. But strangely involving... and I think that one cannot deny that Michael C. Hall's performance is one of the very best of the last decade.

Brianna said...

Dude, that was painful!

Anonymous said...

"I love Dexter! The books are great too, sometimes a little too much like the show [in regards to story line], but when reading it, it's like I'm watching the show.. which is awesome."

This is a joke. It must be...

I love Horatio, the way he walks backwards out of shots, the sunglasses off/on/off thing, the only ever interviewing suspects from side on... Fab!

Vw: deryo. Oh deryo, these cakes are terrible!

Angie said...

I'm pretty sure that the addition of puns to Dexter would turn it into Law and Order: SVU. Just sayin'.

sendingtheclowns said...

@Julie:

(Music, maestro, please)

I say "po-TAY-toe," and you say, "po-TAH-toe"...
You say "SPATTER," and they say, "SPLATTER"...
~blah blah blah~
Let's clean the whole thing up..!

What's in a name? a blood stain by any other name would be as red...

" What's bloody CAKE? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man."

That there's from that Romeo and what Julie et (and I bet she didn't like it, either).
=^~.-^=

Crystal said...

Totally LOVE this. I am a HUGGEEE Dexter fan. Deff. a shared link on facebook for today.
However, today is Donut day or some crap...would have been cool to see some Donuts on the CW board.

Shayna said...

Oh Dexter! One of the best shows in... ever!

Dexter meets CSI puns, though? Miami may just explode from over-abundance of cool.

SaraCVT said...

Oh, John. You're really going with PUNS? *profoundly disappointed facepalm*

chase said...

THAT show already DOES exist! It's called CSI Miami and the man is Horatio Caine. (lol)

Knit Wit said...

The puns are great and all that, but what causes me more concern is that fact that people have apparently felt a need to have such a plethora of anatomy-based cakes created. Why, for the love of Betty Crocker, why?

Except for the cake missing toes. I don't want to know "why" on that one.

GennyDiggory said...

I visit Cake Wrecks on my lunch break at work every day. I'm proud to say that, until today, I've never gagged while reading. I'm just going to put the rest of my spaghetti in the fridge.
WV: Slici (really? I may just throw this food away.) Slici-ed off- what happened to that last cake's toe.

Deborah said...

hahahaha. I love puns! I don't want to watch Dexter, though. I'll just stick with yours and Jen's!!

Anonymous said...

LOL this was fantastic! Love it!

Anonymous said...

On that last one, at least the remaining toes are nicely pedicured. She hasn't completely let herself go.

Sam Gamgee said...

If you had used Horatio on a Sunday, I'm not sure I could have forgiven you. However, since these cakes are as wrecky as he is, it works.

Rachel said...

WHAT is that last one?! I feel scarred. We were not properly prepared for that. What the what?

Anonymous said...

I had no idea Dexter was missing puns, but you've sold me on it.

mel said...

Hmmmm...Random Cop 1,Random Cop 2, Random Cop 4...no Random Cop 3...sounds like a cop-out......


wv - coment: short observation

Anonymous said...

I literally pictured David Caruso making each gesture and his dramatic pauses whenever he states his signature line for the episode just before the dreaded commercial break. Love it. I can't comment on Dexter as I've never seen it, but on another note, it amazes me what people with make a cake into.

Joanna said...

Even the mere hint of a reference to Horatio Caine/David Caruso makes me go into fiery feral soap box mode of wondering FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD, WHY IS THAT MAN STILL ON TV???? They (tv execs) cancel shows like "Arrested Development" and "Pushing Daises" and keep "CSI: Miami"????? Why, God, why??? The injustice of it all!!!

{Panting with the exertion of being bodily removed from the soapbox by my husband...}

But, um, great post today.

:-)

SillyRnti said...

Oh, I totally understand Jen's hesitation with Dexter. One: I'm squeamish and cowardly and was afraid it would be gory. Two: The premise itself turned me off. However, my hus started watching and I became curious and started watching. I got hooked. Surprisingly, I think there's not that much violence considering the subject matter (compared to the CSIs/ NCISs). Try and convince her to watch a full episode. She might get sucked in like me.

Annie in Texas said...

The last cake reminds me of a friend of my grandma's who had her index (this little piggy stayed home) toe deliberately amputated so she could continue to wear narrow pointy toed high heels. EEEEUUUuuwwww!

And my favorite Horatio one liner: Oh, crap, RUN, he tood of the sunglasses!

Dexter, I tried, but it's like Lassie and worrying too much that Granpa might not get there to get Timmy out of the well. Gives me anxiety nightmares.

wv: quicher Eat your cake and quicher bitchin.

Puppygirl said...

@ Joanna

Preach on sister.
Do you want company up there and is your soapbox built for two?
You forgot 'Life' (a thousand times better than CSI); "Dirty Sexy Money"; "Better Off Ted"; "Southland" (yes, technically picked up by TNT, but that doesn't help if you don't get that station)... I could go on.
and on and on and on....

msyendor said...

Officer 8675309's correction to ...

@ yellowpickup

That's Tommy "Two Toes" according to the evidence.

wv: Lythol : I need some lythol to kill the lingering bugs that survived the brain bleach

rifframone said...

I'm a big Dexter fan and although I can't think of a lot of puns (using the true definition of the word) in the show, there are usually at least a couple of lines in each episode that get a giggle from me. And in Dexter's defense, he does only kill the bad people! And yes, that foot cake is truly disgusting…

Anonymous said...

Dexter is horrible!? Nuh-uh! I completely disagree, however; these cakes are quite creepy.

nan said...

Funny. I skimmed right over the long random cop number until I read the comments. When did Jenny become a random cop?

wv: imples - knee-jerk reaction. Maybe the killer was acting on imples.

Holly C said...

Dexter is NOT a horrible, guilty-pleasure show... it's just plain GREAT! I love it! After discovering it, I watched all 4 seasons via Netflix in just a few weeks' time. (However... I will also admit to loving all 3 CSIs...)

Linda C said...

LOVE Dexter, LOVE the puns, LOVE this blog! I needed a laugh today...Great job as usual!!

Louise said...

I laughed so hard at these, CSI puns are always hilarious. Have you seen this? http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/csi/ I watched this a lot in the UK, but I don't know if it ever caught on here...

jo said...

LOL great post! I've never seen Dexter but I could totally see it's punny potential...

love the random numbering of the random cops, btw!

Anonymous said...

Oh god... is it just me or did anyone else have a sudden flashback to that foot cake you posted a while ago that had a toe missing? Anyone?

wv (almost to good to be true): outsh. When my limb was hacked off with a rusty butter knife, I screamed OUTSH!

sendingtheclowns said...

@Louise

I'd never seen that; it's FUNNY.

I don't like the corny one-liners, either, but I think Mr.Caruso is pretty. I liked him in NYPD Blue.
I'd like him in---never mind.

=^9.9^=

Clint said...

Mein Gott, in what universe would ANY of these be considered a good idea?

The chest hair one turned my stomach in particular. As someone who once got through half of a BLT before realizing the bacon was incredibly spoiled, that's saying something.

Anonymous said...

What. In. The. Heck? I, I can't.

wv: Tasift I'm going to eat like nobody's business tonight. Tasift I can get the images of these murder cakes out of my head.

BigMomma said...

I love dexter! I accidentally let it slip to my church group that I watch it though. As if I was not an outcast before.. I feel your pain, I really do.

Sigi said...

"I love Dexter! The books are great too, sometimes a little too much like the show [in regards to story line], but when reading it, it's like I'm watching the show.. which is awesome."

You are kidding, aren't you? The books are not at *all* like the show - for once, the filmed version is way, way better than the written version.

Jen, I can't believe you don't love Dexter - it's brilliant. And so blackly funny and dry. Thought it would have been right up your alley. Best show on TV.

Maya said...

Hahah...brilliant! I love a good pun more than I love a good wreck - combining the two is excellence personified!

WV: slitin. Well it's clear how he died, there was a slitin his heart!

shaz said...

I heart Dexter! My fav. ever line has to be "I must not kill my sister, I must not kill my sister". :)

Would like to know the stories behind these cakes esp. the feet. Eeeee, would you like some toe jam with your cake?

BADKarma! said...

Dexter as Horatio Caine... My brain hurts... Thanks, Jen/John.

Arlene said...

Hmm I agree Dexter could use more humor in it lol. I am still trying to catch up on Season 4 I am so far behind sad but true. Those cakes should just give up and admit the wreckerators butchered them poor things.

Dina said...

Oh man I love that show! I think it would be a little funnier with some puns on the show.

Adorably Dead said...

Awesome, I've never seen Dexter, but the synopsis sounds neat.

Craig said...

John, John, John.

You're just helping the pun control lobby by making their case for them.

By the way, I had Random Cop's number right away. I didn't think you'd mind.

Ellen O said...

@Robin: LOVE the psync line!

@Crystal: Jen and John did a minor showing of big fried donuts back in March... don't remember? They were decorated with some type of beads and yellow, green and purple sprinkles...

Today's post was brilliant. Adore Dexter. I bought my husband the "killing shirt" Dex wears (it's from American Apparel if anyone is looking for it). And I do like the cheesiness of Horatio Caine in a totally different way. Well done today John :-)

wv: menions- Consider me one of your many menions...

Anonymous said...

This post was great! THAT show already DOES exist! It's called CSI Miami and the man is Horatio Caine. (lol) I love the Tommy Tutone reference!
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Cheryl Black said...

John, your last line made me laugh out loud. (Not LOL). It's so rare that someone takes the time to show off a sick sense of humour - and I mean that as a compliment! (And yes, I'm Canadian so humour is spelled correctly.) I actually find the Dexter books have some good dialogue that is funny, more so than the show. Hmmmm, think I'll see if there are any lady fingers left ...

Cheryl

Lozzz123 said...

EEEEK! That toe one is scary. Do you know the back story of it? Like a commiserative cake for having a toe amputated?

Anonymous said...

:D

My punny bone hurts. The post was hysterical and the comments have been just as good. Win/Win.

-Barbara Anne

Julie said...

@sendingintheclowns:

AWESOME! Especially the "neither hand nor foot" part.

And I can tell you, what Julie et is NOT any of these cakes!

Anonymous said...

What! Dexter is a GREAT show! And the puns aren't as cheesy as CSI Miami and the horrible David Caruso. :)

Anonymous said...

While I applaud the use of CSI savvy puns (CSI Miami material for sure), I cannot forgive the insult to Dexter. I expect you to redeem this blog in the near future.

jamie said...

The last cake will haunt my nightmares. I may never be able to eat cake again.

archersangel said...

i don't get why those body part cakes were considered a good idea. i suppose the nose one could be for a plastic surgeon, the feet could be for a podiatrist, the brain could be for a neurologist. but what in the name of all that's decent possessed someone to "celebrate" amputated toes with a cake like that?!

Amethyst said...

I love Dexter. I don't have cable so I've had to buy them on DVD. I'd probably hate it if there were puns... that's why I don't watch CSI Miami. I just couldn't stand to hear one more stupid phrase out of Who's his face!

Ejia said...

It's as if Horatio Caine turned evil.

Wait, now I wanna see him and Dexter go at it.

kayk said...

The toe-amputation cake is missing TWO toes. To lose one toe, Mr. John, may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness.

Michele said...

too funny :)

Eve said...

Another Dexter fan here! And I actually had very little trouble imagining the first two puns, at least, as something Dexter might say to himself in his voiceovers.

That "toe jams" cake is nightmare-inducing.

shinchan said...

like this your blogs...... its so funny your product

Anonymous said...

I liked Dexter the first two seasons, then it kind of went far off the path. Those first two seasons actually had a lot of humor in them!

Anonymous said...

I LOVE DEXTER!!! Best show EVER!!!! =D The books are pretty great to

peajay23 said...

I know people say from time to time "I'm going to have nightmares" but for real last night, that last toe jam foot was in my dream!! and it was scary!!

Anonymous said...

Is it just me, or could anyone else hear the "CSI: Miami" wail (you know the one) after every single one of these puns? (WAIIIIILLLL!!!!!!!!!)

Laura said...

Excuse me?! Dexter is a "horrible" show?!?! BLASPHEMY!!

Anonymous said...

Re: Cake 1
Random cop comment: "Looks like something bad happened to the peonies"

Sorry, couldn't resist. The only thing better than a bad pun is a RUDE bad pun.

Anonymous said...

SarahRod was right about the last cake. It was made for my friend's mother who had already had a couple of toes amputated due to complications from diabetes and was having her leg amputated from just below the knee down. The patient was dressed as a pirate (peg leg) in the hospital before the surgery, and the cake went along with the theme. Yes, they are a family who has always dealt with trauma through humor whenever possible. That's one of the reasons that I love them all so much! FYI, I have recently spoken with the patient and she is doing well and thinking positively about going through physical therapy and getting her prosthetic leg eventually :) It made me smile to see the cake here!