Monday, April 11, 2011

Through Sick and Gin

Monday, April 11, 2011

They say you never appreciate your health and home until you're eight hundred miles away from home hacking up a proverbial lung in a not-so-proverbial Microtel with suspicious sheets and a broken A/C unit.

Now, I know what you're thinking. Who are these mysterious "they?" And how do they gain their all-encompassing knowledge? And what, exactly, do sheets have to be suspicious OF?

(Have I mentioned yet that I've been taking a lot of Robitussin? No? Excellent.)

And so, in conclusion, I'm writing myself a Get Well post from all of you. Because I know you care. And I probably won't remember any of this tomorrow anyway. (Another hot toddy? Don't mind if I do!)


Meth? Why, yeth, thith cake ITH a "meth."



Actually it's "Jen."
And hey, I'm right here!
I mean, just because someone is humming the theme song to 2001 while rocking a doll made entirely of used Kleenex doesn't mean she can't hear you.

(Daaaa. Daaaa...DAA DUMMM!!)


Now, maybe this is that last Airborne margarita talking, or the honey-soaked onions, or the Vick's vapor rub squishing between my toes, but... is that a sick Bilbo Baggins wishing me a happy birthday?


(You know, this guy?)

'Cuz I gotta be honest: The implied comparison here isn't making me feel any better.

(For that matter, neither are the Dr. Pepper enemas.)

(In fact, I'm starting to wonder if some of these anonymous chat room doctors might not be entirely trustworthy.)



Well, maybe a nice cookie cake will distract me from all the yucky parts of being sick.


Whoah, whoah, whoah! What's with the needle? Is this some kind of threat? What ever happened to teddy bears and flowers?



Well, I'm pretty sure that's a daisy.

So I guess that's one long shot that paid off in the end.

(Think it's solid buttercream?)

(And syringe cakes: do they really *need* a point?)

('Cuz I'd say that cheeky baker really injected some fun into his bottom line!)

(Something something spankin' new rear view mirror. Or something.)

Aaaand that's a bum wrap.


Thanks to honey buns Ethan O., Joe A., Katy D., Alyssa R., & Laura R. Now, someone pass me the ginger peel gin, will you? I have a sinus spray to make.
phantomessj said...

The used tissue doll nearly made me snort water! Jen on cold medicine is just too much fun, but I do hope you feel better soon!

Tricia L said...

Wishing you a speedy recovery.

(Wait, what does she mean by that? Why is the Betty Ford Clinic on the caller ID?)

Anonymous said...

The theme song to 2001 is called "Also Spake Zarathustra," fyi. Hope you feel better!

SuBee said...

Nothing says "Get Well Soon" like cake and medical waste.

Feel better, Jen.

Muria said...

Some of those were well-executed wrecks! It's always nice to see a professional bakery that doesn't look like it needs a few more Wilton's classes.

Hope you feel better soon, Jen!

Loo-E Loo-I said...

At the risk of an EPCOT, I think the Bilbo one is supposed to be the "Operation" game dude. Sorry if that freaked you out even more...even if the thermometer looks a little like something else....and why does it say Happy Birlhday?!


Seriously, hope you feel better - get well!

wv: crospora: Yes, I see the crospora "T" in the Happy Birlhday cake :-)

Deborah said...

Dr. Pepper enema! hahaha, you are hilarious!

That Girl said...

And I'll go ahead and start what I see as the next possible Epcot situation. That's the sick patient from operation, not Bilbo. :P

Amy's Cooking Adventures said...

That last one almost made me throw up!

Get well soon!

Katie said...

Haha, already at least two posts about the Operation guy. How many WILL THERE BE?!

Get well soon, Jen!

bassgirl said...

No fair....you are even funny when you are sick!! Most of us would just crawl under a rock and hope the world goes away.

Those were "stunning" cakes! Hope you feel better soon!

wv:amiciliq Hope the doc prescribes some amiciliq so you can get well soon!

tina said...

Get well soon!

scrapopotamos said...

So after seeing two people say he was the operation guy? Yeah, I actualy had to go grab the operation game from the shelf, look at that compared to the Bilbo guy on your post, scrolling... back to the cake... back to Bilbo... holding the operation game next to the screen.... scrolling back and forth between cake and Bilbo....

My professional opinion: The resemblence is there, but Operation man has straighter shorter hair, bigger, redder nose, and not as round of a face. After several minutes of intense analyzing because I have nothing better to do with my time apparently.... Yeah, he is surely more of a Bilbo.

Now I can't believe I just wasted a good almost 10 minutes comparing Bilbo Baggins to the Operation dude.

Then called the teacher from the room next door for a second opinion.

What this blog does to me.

thesacredandtheprofane said...

Airborne Margarita was my favorite!

Trevor said...

Seriously, that syringe just disturbs me... a lot.

Jessica said...

I never thought of the Operation game guy, though once people mentioned it I was like, "Ah, yes, of course!"

I DID appreciate the vintage (sorry Jen, but it's true) animated Hobbit reference--one of the best versions ever! However, my first impression, despite the Bilbo resemblance was Frosty the Snowman with a bad toupee (are there really any GOOD toupees, or do we just say 'bad' because we're still not bold enough to outlaw them permanently?)

Anonymous said...

Feel good. As for the cakes all I can say is D:

Anonymous said...

aww get well soon jen eat plenty of cake and Robitussin

Anonymous said...

I'm sick and not at home either, so I feel your pain. I think I need some of those Airborne margaritas.

And yes, the "Bilbo" cake is the guy from Operation.

Jessie said...

You forgot to make a rear admiral joke. I'll forgive you this time, due to you being sick and all.

<3 Feel better!

Zoanna said...

"pretty sure that's a daisy" did me in.

katakombe said...

jen, put a pot of water on the stove to boil, add rock sugar (be generous) and wait until it is fully solved, add slices of unpeeled lemons and oranges (of course you'd want to get those organic ones where the peel is consumable), and last add a few spoons of thyme and ribwort, cook for a couple more minutes and then let it cool and filter it into your tea cup. tastes really great, and is the best cough medicine that i've ever tried. as in: it works.

get well soon!

studiorose said...

Awwww! I'm sari your feeling bad. Let me give you a huge.

Anonymous said...

A big pink butt in my face... Just what I needed this morning.


...shudder

The Miller Five said...

Those cakes are just hilarious! The bum one made me fall out of my chair laughing. AWESOME!

I too am sick. Hope you feel better!

Tel said...

That last cake absolutely takes it for the worst pastry I could ever imagine. I can't decide if it's the delicately placed 'daisy' or the fact that they jammed in a REAL hypodermic needle that makes it worse. I mean, I'll keep checking CW daily like I have been for the last year, but I can't really imagine that anything can top this (or, more appropriately, do a better job bottoming out). Excellent find Jen! Hope you feel better soon!

Becky said...

The Bilbo Baggins one definitely made me think of Operation. I'm not sure why you would want that for a birthday cake, though!

Robin said...

try a diet dr pepper enema next time!

Anonymous said...

on second thought, maybe that's not a sphincter, but a tuft of "grass" on a blond person with sunburn who sunbathes nude. still ick.

mel said...

On that last cake... Looks more like yellow hemorrhoids to me....which in either case is just what most people want to see on a butt cake...that is, amongst those who want to see a butt cake at all....

Hope you're feelin' better soon!

wv - ingst: the much more internalized form of angst

Jabby said...

I love the butt cake! I know several people who I would love to send that too! I know what I'm doing for april fools next year. Hehehehe.

Feel better soon, Jen! Next time you travel, I suggest you and John wear hazmat suits. The world is a evil, germy place full of butt cakes.

KittyKat said...

Well, ahem... adjusting geek hat...

In the book "The Hobbit" there was a part where Bilbo had a birthday, and he was sick. They had just escaped from the prison of the Wood-elves deep in Mirkwood, and arrived at the city on the Lake. He was so ill from his cold, all he could manage to say was "Thag you very buch."

It is obvious the Bilbo cake was meant in honor of the most auspicious Hobbit, and his famous Birthday celebrations.

That or it is a really really bad attempt at making the "Operation" guy, because I'm not seeing it.

Anonymous said...

Get well soon!

Anonymous said...

A daisy, indeed. HA! Too funny.

I'll throw in with the Operation crowd. It just made more sense for a Happy Birthday cake than a sick Bilbo, but "sense" has never been too friendly with wreckerators before, so....

I think y'all should never leave your house again. Seems the world wishes you ill. See what I did there?! ;-)

Hope you feel better.

wv: suctilla - I don't know what that means, but it seemed appropriate.

Andrea

hmmmm said...

I never attended any of the cake wreck book tours, but last night I dreamt I was helping set up for one. I had to use tweezers to stick number stickers on a stack of paper plates for the cupcake entries. Im studing for a final, maybe I need a break.

diddleymaz said...

Hot Calendula tea with Honey will do the trick,Jen, please get her some John!

Mama-Beans said...

You owe me a new keyboard. That daisy comment literally ended with coffee all over the place. Dang, haven't laughed like that in a while!

Anonymous said...

Aww, this was hilarious, and feel better soon! (But not too soon -- one more over-medicated post oughta do it.)

sarah said...

And now, I shall Google "Dr. Pepper enema" just to see what happens.

Daya said...

I love your blog!!!! I hope you feel better soon! Also I do wonder how long it will be before people fully understand that you know what/who these cakes are supposed to be (most of the time) and that you reference other things/people for comedic reasons. I know full well that when you really don't have a clue you let it be known. Sometimes I get more of a laugh reading the comments of the know-it-alls.

Tony K said...

FYI: Sick or not, misspelling Dr Pepper by adding in an unnecessary period is an inexcusable horror. The nectar of the gods deserves better!

Laura P. said...

Wow, Jen! Even when sick, or maybe especially because you are sick and hyped up on drugs, you are still absolutely hilarious! But still, sure hope you feel better soon!!

Anonymous said...

Save me a piece of the bum hole!

(EEWWWW!!! SO GROSS!!)

Anonymous said...

Come on, people! Okay, so it was originally intended to be the operation guy. But the FUNNY and WRECKY part is that it looks like a scary hobbit and doesn't look like a b-day cake!

Anonymous said...

Well said, Daya!

Janellionaire said...

OK, I finally found out what Epcot is, and I am so, so sorry. I read every. freaking. comment. My head hurts.

wv: droningn - The people just kept droningn on and on about freaking Disney World! No one, ever, needs to know as much about Disney World, Spaceship Earth, and Epcot as I do now.

Gina said...

You are gonna get so many mad comments today!!!!!!!

Totally worth it, of course, because this is hilarious, buuuuut I am pretty sure I can hear the furious stampede already...

Donna said...

I think the daisy should be positioned a bit further up to truly represent a sphincter. Just sayin.

Sorry you're feeling down, Jen. (I think I'm going to try the Airbourne margarita next time I feel poorly!)

BADKarma! said...

That last cake is AWESOME! Seriously. I want one. What? (blinkblink)...

Furry Bottoms said...

Honey Soaked Onions?!!!! *gag* I hope you feel better fast!

Anonymous said...

Okay, I couldn't even read what was below the last cake... So, so disturbed... What? Why? And for the love of cake, what is that in the syringe? Oh, ick, ick, ick...

-michelej

Geeketeer Amanda said...

Sorry you're not feeling well, but you still have your sense of humor :)

BTW the butt cake scares me a little....I mean, come on, who knows where that things been?

Marie said...

Most of these really cracked me up, as well as you, Jen. However, that last one was just ewww. It was the yellow "star" there that really grossed me out. Get better, Jen. Just think of the bright side - you have now made a public service announcement of what happens when you are on drugs.

Classic Steve said...

Look how far they stuck the needle in. Extra painful.

Kimberly Chapman said...

I'd share some actual ridiculous home remedies I've heard since living in Austin, but you'd only just accuse me of aiding and abetting Texas' attempt to kill you. And you'd be right, because as Minchin so aptly put it, know what they call alternative medicine that's been proven to work? Medicine.

So enjoy your meds and eat some cake when you can taste actual food again.

DangGina said...

Wow. Robitussen increases the funny puns; love it!

I grew up watching The Hobbit--found it like 6 years ago at a random gas station and then gave it to my brother for his birthday. He was very excited. I think I'm going to ask to borrow it next time I visit him. -Not sure why I like that movie, but don't have the courage or the fortitude to read the book. Shall I give it a try?

Oh yeah...get well soon, Jen! (But maybe not TOO soon. I like it when you post all high on cold medicine.)

Anonymous said...

Oh vey! Where's the Bearly There Modesty Bear when you need him?

WV: goupse. Yeah, that's all I could say when I saw the filled syringe.

Jen said...

Having stayed in a Microtel I can honestly say I'd rather be sick in a storage unit. I am so, so very sorry.

That said why does the whoo-ha get a flower but there's no, ummm, "exit" depicted or covered on that Japanese butt? Maybe thats what the surgery is going to fix?

min said...

Why, why, why is that syringe shoved in there halfway up the shaft?? (And why does that bother me more than the "daisy"?)

I hope you're feeling better soon, but while you're slow moving let me just say I immediately thought of Operation when I saw that cake, too. *runs away*

debbo said...

Sorry about your bum rap! I toast you with a snort of Robitussin, I am laid up with whooping cough and a sprained ankle. Hope you feel better real soon!

kimberj said...

Maybe the second to last cake (cookie?) is supposed to be a bottle of glue for sniffing? Looks like black market elmers.

Jm said...

Get Well soon!
Love the Bilbo cake1

Alex T. Valencic said...

Holy cow, I think a potential EPCOT disaster has actually been diverted! Only ~16% of the comments are mentioning the obvious, and most of those are only commenting on the comments pointing out the obvious.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Hope you feel better soon!

abi said...

Even more disturbing to me than the, uh, daisy on the last cake, is the question -- what is in that syringe???

Micalah said...

Didn't even know the needle on the cookies cake was a needle.
LOL

PinkAsphaltMama said...

Wow - not only am I wondering who has the nerve to put Tweety Bird on a meth recovery cake, but it is spelled wrong to boot? Wouldn't the Coyote have been a better choice? He always was acting like someone in a drug fueled rage. Or maybe that Mexican mouse that tormented Sylvester???

Anonymous said...

The writing on "Too bad about Joan" is beautiful, for once much better than the clumsy decoration.

Littlefoot

wv: emobbl - to paralyze with emotion: I was emobbled by sadness.

Rob said...

Okay...I'm all for "attention to detail" and everything, but the starfish on that bum cake...is...ah...well...ummmm...yeah.

Fool in a Tree said...

Get well soon! To make you feel better, take a drug-up'ed stroll through Etsy...buy whatever you want, and since you will forget what you ordered when you detoxic, your mailbox will turn into Christmas!

Emmer said...

Yes, I do believe that's a daisy!

Feel better soon!

Tracy said...

Dr Pepper enema..isn't that from an Augusten Burroughs book?Can't think of which one though..

bj said...

that's a good one today
from meth recovery to buttcakes with daisy pasties. if that doesn't make you laugh don't know what will.

we just got over the cooties to end all cooties i am so agreeing with the never leave home again thought. 2 different antibiotics over 2 months now and we're finally getting well in this house. feel better soon. we had better luck with benaryl stopping the coughing then the cough medicine of death (ie the evil tussin)

Anonymous said...

Are you in Texas again?

Anonymous said...

That last one totally cracked me up!

Lihan said...

And I thought Moon Cakes were only from China! Shows what I know!

Marnie said...

Well, you know what they say... "If you haven't got your health," you must have an awesome sense of humor! Even tanked up on meds you blow me away with your puns.
I am currently suffering at home this evening with a headcold so I'm commiserating with you. I tried to work in a tissue pun there. ;-) You must have better meds than me.

Anonymous said...

So this is Jen on Robitussin? Wow! ;-)

My doctor is from Russia and swears by (and yells at me if I don't) wearing wool socks after soaking your feet in as hot water as you can stand. He also recommends drinking tea with raspberry preserves in it (any tea) and breathing in the steam of the tea deeply into your lungs. All these things really help.

Praying for you.

Joanie
(And I loved the "Too Bad About Joan" cake!!!)

wv: aagody - this blog is Double AA Goody (Bad, but oh, well!)

Nala said...

You are definitely more pun-chy than usual. :-D Get better soon!

Letitia said...

hope you feel better soon--the airborne margaritas should do it.

Crayongirl said...

Haha, at least the baker of that last cake seems to be pretty self-aware -- I'm pretty sure the Chinese sign is a pun on the saying "one needle (or shot) is effective," since the word "effective" is replaced with "laugh," or "funny."

jillb-ilslp said...

Anonymous chat room doctors! Genius...and frugal!

Leah@NoshingConfessions said...

The daisy is too small. And I want to know if the syringe is made from gum paste.

:whimper:

Robitussin and Bilbo call for a drugged out on cold medicine LOTR marathon (and, dare I hope, an LOTR Sunday Sweets?). Feel better soon, Jen.

tut tut tut said...

OK, what good things could be injected into a butt-cake? Frangelico, brandy, kirsch...That way the person with the strongest stomach (who wants the piece with the needle?) would get yummy booze soaked cake. Everyone else would be sad

WV atzingu - japanese sneeze

Anonymous said...

Well, it *was* too bad about Joan, wasn't it?

Hypothetical Woman said...

Ooh, the syringe on that last one made me wince. It's jammed halfway into the skin, oh god! And what's it filled with, anyway?

DaninNZ said...

As soon as I saw the Bilbo comment, I thought "Oh god, it's an Epcot situation!" Sure enough, scrolling down to the comments, I wasn't disappointed.

Danielle said...

Poor Jen! I live in Portland and there's a distillery here that makes a ginger vodka. I had it about 6 months ago and not only have I not been sick since I also have no hair on my ass! TMI? Sorry. You'll have to try it. It's great in lemonade so warm it up and call it theraflu.

WV: flundew. bless you.

Anonymous said...

psssstttt, you do know you should SIP Robitussin and not GULP it, right??

o.O the "daisy" eeeep

-Barbara Anne

Arlene said...

Lol oh man did I nearly die laughing at that last cake. Now I am afraid of finding a cake like that in a bakery around here. Who on earth would buy one of those?? Get well Jen!! Hopefully you avoid these evil wrecks seeing as they are designed for evil and not good..

Karen in Oz said...

Well, I immediately thought that it was a sun, not a daisy... or is "the sun shines out of your a##" an Australian saying only?

MissNay said...

I hope you feel better soon, but that you will continue taking Robitussin anyway.

When you're sick, you can't smell your dog's (or cat's) farts as much. See? Silver lining.

Get better!

Adorably Dead said...

Bilboooo, Bilbo Baggins, greatest little hobbit cake of them alllll!

I swear, after seeing the last cake, all I could think of was 'meanwhile, in Japan...'

Also, get better hon'!

Lady Old Soul said...

ROTFLMFAO

Oh lordy, I'm so sorry you're ill!! But your cold-meds inspired Wrecks post is the best one I've ever read, bar none!! xD

That butt cake...OH...MY...GOD! I don't know whether to laugh hysterically, or vomit....that is EPIC!!! LOL!!

Craig said...

#1 Recovery is awesome, seeing as I know people who have done that. 'Recovry', not so much.

#2 'Too Bad About Joan' could mean so many things, but the cake would make a nice title graphic for a new soap opera.

#3 Ok, I'm late to the party (due to getting way closer to the medical establishment than I would like, but not on my own behalf, which is not necessarily better). Nonetheless, I'll join Operation EPCOT: it's 'the Operation guy'.

#4 The meta-message here is: 'Get well or else!'

#5 Or else you'll wind up like 'Daisy' here. Looks like someone has poor Aimee; I've never seen a syringe inserted that far. It's remarkable how these posts can be cruising along and all of a sudden, the bottom drops out.

Get well soon, Jen. Some of the comment-taters were starting to panic.

flying gargoyle said...

"Too Bad About Joan" is a cake begging to release its back story!

But I do appreciate the homage to Manny Ramierez in the last cake. Very timely, indeed, Jen. Get well soon!

S said...

Get well soon (kick some germ butt? :))

Ashlee said...

OH GOD THE DAISY

It will haunt me for the rest of my days. :(

Get well soon!

~Ashlee
http://theDragonsHoard.bigcartel.com
Win earrings, free entry!

Anonymous said...

I like the writing on "Joan" (except for the smudges) but now I have to know--what happened to her?? and why are we celebrating it with cake? with snickers?

and nothing says "aimez" ("love in French") like shoving a needle in a sunburned butt before having the chance to wipe. ew.

actually, that could be a murder scene....I know someone who knows someone who was killed by the mob in a drug dispute exactly this way (dunno what was in the syringe) and left in a cemetery.

well, I guess I should post this anonymously now!

wv: restoons: a prescription for when your sick. Rest, and watch cartoons.

Shannon said...

God help the person who brings me a get well buttcheek cake. LOL!!

kayk said...

Apparently Aimei means Ambiguity innChinese(?). And that's some ambiguous cake! (Before enlarging the pic, I though the little sign on the bottom -- er, lower right -- said Aimed,which would also have been amusing.

Ellen said...

Ah, but is it a GERBERA daisy?

Feel better, Jen!

Janus said...

Actually, that birthday cake looked more like Cavity Sam -- the "patient" in the game OPERATION.

Puppygirl said...

I didn't have a chance to look at this post until today, being likely as sick as Jen, and lets face it, if I didn't have dogs who are pretty persistent about being fed, I wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all.
I'm glad I took a pass, as that cheeky cake would have been the death of me. Although my tummy is still none too happy today.

Get well Jen. At least you get to have as much "cold medicine" as you want. There's some sort of taboo around here about not being sober at work....

Knit Wit said...

I'm taking your word for it on the daisy. I don't want to look that closely.

daniel42444 said...

I wish someone made me a meth recovery cake :]

scyllacat said...

That last one is so ... perky, all bouncy and squishy looking, but then I noticed the syringe was inserted most of the way up the barrel! I ... (well, they probably couldn't keep it from falling over any other way)... but,... um... DAISY!

Anonymous said...

i feel like an internet star, 'cause i'm the one who told you about honey soaked onions, lol!
--river

wildmaven said...

Daisy? Bwahahhahahah! That's the puckered starfish! *hands everyone a hand mirror*

Jason said...

Sorry, I read about a third of the posts but got tired and wanted to post this before I forgot. That last "daisy" is probably actually a chrysanthemum because the cake is from Japan and in Japan, that... exit... is colloquially referred to as the "chrysanthemum gate".

Teresa said...

Pei pa koa is pretty decent cough medicine (from herbal as I remembered), great non alcoholic medicine, some western cough medicine are more effective, but this is non drowsy.

You can access info online @
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nin_Jiom_Pei_Pa_Koa
http://ninjiom.50webs.com/

Anonymous said...

It's from China (the pic is labeled Beijing). Yeah, what Crayongirl said.

Bhakti said...

Hahahaha!!! --

"...rocking a doll made entirely of used Kleenex."

Hahaha! I can't tell you how many times I've left my pain management doctor while clutching a huge wad of...WHAT AM I HOLDING IN MY HAND???...used Kleenex!

You are such a great writer: what a humorous visual!

FEEL BETTER SOON! :)

Sans Parallax said...

100+ comments so there is a chance someone else may have noticed that the syringe itself is embedded into the bum, not just the needle, but the plastic, medicine holding, very large compared to the needle syringe.
ouch?

Locke said...

My reaction to the last one: "Hey, looks like Caligula took up baking. Good for him."

Kay said...

I'm pretty sure the "daisy" on that last cake was a reference to "Caligula". *shudder*