Thursday, April 28, 2011

A Royal Affair

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Like all of you, I am simply in a TIZZY waiting to see the royal wedding tomorrow. Or, more accurately, the royal wedding cake.

I mean, think about it: this is the cake that must end all cakes. It has to outshine, outdo, and outhouse every dream of every girl who has ever dreamed of being a princess! [sigh]

Plus, just imagine the unbelievable stress the poor bakers must be under at this very moment. The agony! The suspense! The weighty sense of impending doom, should their one shot at world-wide glory, fame, and adoration fail! BWAHAHAHAAAA!

Er...I mean...

Wishing you the best of luck, guys!


So, what do you think it'll be? Something colorful?


Something modern?

(And...drippy?)

Of course, whatever it is, you know it'll have to be an upstanding specimen...


...with just the right emphasis on the fact that they live in a castle, and you don't:



Hey, maybe it'll be inspired by Kate's wedding dress!



Or maybe it'll just show the couple's deep love and affection for one another:

("Pardon me, your lordship, but would you care for a slice of chocolate thigh?"

"Ruddy good, yes! Tally ho! What what!*")



Well, whatever the outcome tomorrow, I'm sure so long as the bakers don't give the happy couple the cold shoulder, they'll be fine.

O.0

Must. Stop. Staring at. Shoulder hock.



Many thanks to wreckporters Christin S., Gary & Brittany J., Melissa B., Kelli B., Amy E., Anna K., and Lou for today's joint efforts.


*Yes, I know all British people do not sound like this. But the really
cool ones do.


Note from john: For some reason, the comment section is acting all wonky today so if you don't have a Google account, you can't leave a comment. With any luck, the Google Overlords will fix the problem soon. Wreck On!
GennyDiggory said...

Well, that dress looks simply lovely. I will keep "greasy paper machè" in mind for my own dress. And the castle...is that a sand castle façade? Where have you ever had the need for a 2D, lumpy, white, sand castle cake?
WV: Rehest: to detest again. "I tried to find something nice to say about these cakes, but I simply rehest them."

EvenSong said...

The castle "spires" look like they just frosted a couple of wine bottles!

AmiDawn said...

I sure hope that last cake doesnt inspire any new shoulder-hacking trends among those who are intent on copying Kate's every fashion move!

Caroline B said...

I say old bean, that last cake looks like it might eat you rather than the other way round! Just not cricket, what? Toodle-pip......

All right guv'nor, it's a fair cop, I ain't really posh...but I am British and am being forced to join in the wedding frenzy against my better judgement. Got a street party to go to tomorrow, for crying out loud. Cucumber sandwich anyone?

drumnate said...

I'm pretty sure the Royal Cake will be elegantly . . . boring.

Ashley's Team in Training Blog Marathon blog and more said...

oh my. would it have been THAT hard to have some arms on that last cake? Even if they ended at the board....at least a little shoulder would have been a little better....although I think cakes that look like people are creepy.... who wants a shoulder? who wants a piece of Kate's head? How about some of the prince's nose? yeah.......

Ana V. said...

I vote for more silly accents :D

Allicat said...

Ms. Jen,

It is with regret that I inform you that very few peoples of this Great Britain still possess the fecundity of language to which you refer. Fortunately this richness of vocabulary is celebrated in some circles, so those of us with the capacity to capitulate to our verbosity are at a distinct advantage when it comes to addressing our admiration of such an appropriate article.
As ever, Madam, you have given me cause to smile on an otherwise dreary day. For this you have my eternal thanks.

Yours, in faith
Alex P.

WV: Liers - a perfect description of the tiers in cake three.

CookieMonster said...

Thank you for making my day.

Kimberly Chapman said...

Oh dear [deity] how can anyone work so hard to do faces like that and then leave them shoulder-hacked?! There is too much pain there, I must turn away...aieeeeeeeeee...

WV: phery. As in, it's phery, phery wrong to affect this overdone English accent but I'll keep it up if it makes Jen think I'm cool. Huffenhufflehuffyhuff. Quite.

The Nolans said...

Wedding wrecks always make me a little sad. How could someone do that to a couple on the day that is supposed to kick off their "Happily Ever After?" The silver lining though: at least these couples get their revenge on the bakers on Cake Wrecks.

As an Anglophile with a 4 year old princess of my own, I'll be watching the wedding (later online - I'm so not a morning person), but now I mostly want to see the cake. I hope it's spectacular, though I fear Drumnate's prediction of boring elegance is the most likely scenario.

Donna said...

Cake #6 aka "cake erotica" is my vote for the royal wedding cake. Nothing says class like a porn cake for the queen.

TheQuietOne said...

The one with the statue topper is hilarious. I should really know better than to try and drink something while looking at Cake Wrecks. Excuse me while I go clean my monitor. ;)

Laurel said...

Mmmmmm stump.....


WV Counfea

Counfea of Lockhart is now arriving. She would like a slice of beer bottle turret.

Bard Girl said...

That last cake is creepy. While the couple on top are going at it who knows what will come out of the cake itself. Zombies might appear wanting to eat brains.

Jamie said...

Oh my, those are just atrocious!!!

Sarah said...

I feel sorry for the top layer of the wedding dress cake. It might be passable, if it's bottom didn't look like a paper mache nightmare. It sort of reminds me of the bridal shower game where you have to make a "dress" out of toilet paper. As I recall we ended up wrapping our version more like a mummy bride.

lisadh said...

Good luck to the royal bakers, indeed! LOL!

The face of Kate was actually rather well done. Not that I would eat it, but it's better than most of this kind.

Sam said...

It's always sad to see a cake that is JUST good enough to land in the Uncanny Valley. The person who made that last cake clearly has a lot of talent. But oh god how creepy.

Ley Firewalker said...

AAAAAIIIIIIEYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

*shivers*

The last one is going to haunt my sleep for at least the next month.

Paul Manke said...

Yeah, that "castle" looks like beer bottles to me!

Paul

Natasha said...

I know that I'm old I used to dream I could marry a Prince, now I just want to make his cake. (not a euphemism)

BADKarma! said...

I think the "Rodin's Lovers" Cake is actually way cool. But then, I also wanted the "Emo Cake Cuts Itself" cake... (blinkblink)... Umm... ANYway...

BADKarma! said...

Oh, dear... New wv, must post again...

WV: Regragic - Those royal wedding-inspired cakewrecks are just regragic!

Self Rescuing Princess Society said...

Shoulder hock! That's so awesome.

@Ley, even if they haunt your dreams, they can't hurt you. They haven't got any arms!

Letitia said...

whoa, most of those cakes look like I made 'em! gaah! The castle lumps? the kiss poo?

The shoulder hocks! What better way to say, welcome to my wedding, care to eat my face? (eek).

Ruth Covington said...

Just snorted out loud at my desk at that last one. Love your blog; wish I was as bloody clever. :)

nikki said...

Perhaps in that last cake she is an amputee and the baker was trying to depict realism? No? Don't think so?

Etiquette Bitch said...

yeccch on the last one. who thinks "people cakes" are a good idea?

Elizabeth said...

As a recent commercial said (in regard to photo cakes), "It is the gift that literally says, "Happy birthday [or congratulations]. Now let's eat your face."

@Donna - "Cake #6 aka "cake erotica" is my vote for the royal wedding cake. Nothing says class like a porn cake for the queen."

Where is the LIKE button on this thing???

DJ said...

I guess that's why she's going with the strapless gown.

emily michelle said...

I can't help feeling that cake #2 is going to take flight any moment and blast off into space. But maybe they should get that ectoplasm problem checked out before they break atmo.

On cake #6 it's not the topper that gets me, it's the fact that the decorator stuck it on top of a mound of . . . feces? Mud? The fan-like pattern is nice but the color is not okay.

C. said...

Shoulder hocks = the epitome of romance.

wv= winess
These cakes brought to you by a few glasses of winess.

mjfin22 said...

Hilarious! I heard the the royal wedding cake was going to be fruit cake! Seems like a dubious beginning to the ultimate princess cake.

gnatspan said...

I think if I ever remarry, I'm going to serve pie, or strawberry shortcake, or gingerbread--anything but cake.

WV intin If they think they intin for me to eat one of those wedding cakes they have another think a-comin.

archersangel said...

that last one is a bit creepy.

and i don't want to know why that second one is dripping.

WV: drespec. don't know what it means, but i bet is has something to do with that last one.

Adorably Dead said...

Ack! Kate's shoulder hock looks like it was freshly amputated!

Lizzy Leigh said...

I feel so sorry for the royal couple in a way. All this hoopla over every single detail by the press and the public. I mean, think of all the stress you went through getting married and times that by a billion. I bet they'll be very relieved to have it all over with and try to live as normally as possible.

geosenses said...

Can I get a slice of Wills horse teeth?

WV: Whosa

Whosa terrible idea was it to make people shaped cake?

KEI said...

The sad part is that if they go really (English) traditional the cake will actually be a fruit cake and thus practically 'wrecky' by default, right? It will be interesting to see what they end up having. I want to see the cake but I REALLY want to see the dress!

geosenses said...

P.S: The Wills potion of that last cake looks more like Beavis.

WV: Sconap

I've grown tired of the internet, I'm going to sconap now.

Lynne said...

@mjfin22 wedding cakes are traditionally fruit cake in the UK - looks like they are having two cakes - one made out of chocolate cookies to a secret Royal family recipe -http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-12873098

Zoanna said...

"Modern cake" with antique seaweed: yum.

Atop the chocolate cake, nothing says "wedding cake" quite like a honeymooners' mud-wrestling pile.

And the wedding dress cake has a waist, hips, thighs, more thighs, and knees. Please cut me a slice.

A Big Blog of Crock said...

The representation on the second to last cake of Rodin's "Le Baiser" is pretty amazing! Too bad it's on such an ugly cake.

DJ Twisted Sister said...

I'll probably be chowing down a bunch of cakewrecks and espresso waiting to watch this hoopla and I'll probably get nothing out of it but a bad belly ache.

jillb-ilslp said...

Oh, oh, I see! Running away, eh? You cake-eating yellow bas****! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!

Erin said...

Jen, does it make a difference if the chocolate lovers are actually a really good representation of Rodin's sculpture "The Kiss" WIkipedia's description. The base of weird chocolate fans, definitely puts it on the "wreck" list, though.

Mudhooks said...

Her shoulder reminds me of CSI where they can see how someone was lying after death by how the blood pooled.... Just sayin'....

protojew62 said...

"Bust cakes" creep me out! Shoulder hocks,indeed! Just creepy.

jeliecam said...

That first cake's colours are just - w-o-w. Did they ask for carmine and burgundy to match that (ahem) topper, and the bakers thought that orange and purple were close enough. J made a victorian sponge cake using the favourite recipe of Queen Victoria. It didn't turn out so well (completely fell apart when removing from pan). It is now being turned into trifle, another British favourite.
To see some past royal wedding cakes, check out People.com here.

MTGrace said...

Yes, I would like a piece of the bride's cheekbone, please.

MTGrace said...

I would like to know if the "people" cake is red velvet.

Olivia said...

Nice English accent! It reminds me of the Redwall rabbits.

Craig said...

Note to moderator: If this is a duplicate, ignore it. Blogger is toying with me.

#1 I get it -- Harlequin Romance, right? No, I don't read them, I've seen them advertised. The best literal is one that makes ya work a little for the reference.

#2 A tad warm in there, was it? Suddenly I want hamburgers -- the good kind that drip everywhere.

#3 I don't buy this being accidental -- the center of gravity is spot on. (Oh dear, it's spreading.)

#4 Just maybe the intent here was to evoke Hearst Castle; you know, the early, early design phase when young William Randolph was down at the beach at San Simeon, playing in the sand and dreaming...

#5 This one actually has potential; I wonder what it looked like when it was completed. (Zing!)

#6 Aww. The touching finale to '(Making) Love on Poo Mountain', the timeless tale of two naked volcanologists who discover just a tad too late that they have the hots for each other. I could ask what happened to his other leg, but I'm more concerned by her seeming lack of a head. Maybe she should have followed his example and kept her helmet on.*

#7 His effigy looks like 'Butt-Head'. Someone obviously put a *lot* of time into getting way fanatic with the details -- at least on her -- so it may be that time didn't allow the arms to be included. I hope it's something like that, because my first emergency backup theory is that the wreckerator is a fan of Sam Peckinpah. My second EBT is that the wreckerator went literal with the phrase, 'off-the-shoulder'.

*Yes, I know it's a representation of a Rodin sculpture (and am frankly surprised it didn't trigger an EPCOT volcano of its own). I'm just having something called 'fun' with it, m'kay?

Arlene said...

Oh my goodness... words cannot express the sheer terror of that last cake lol. Poor Kate to have lost her arms on her wedding day no less.. why do wreckerators do this??

Dharma said...

This world of the network is fantastic, I found your blog from one to another despite the distance that separates us, I love your designs and your cakes are an authentic sculptures, no doubt that I often go to see your wonders. Greetings from Spain ;)

Este mundo de la red es fantastico, he llegado a tu blog pasando de uno a otro a pesar de la distancia que nos separa, me encantan tus diseños y tus tartas, son una autenticas esculturas, no dudes que me pasare a menudo para ver tus maravillas. Saludos desde España

Gaia_Noir said...

Wow...that last one is so...(impressive? ambitious?....disturbing?). :)

I was going to get in the Wedding spirit today with some cupcake fail of my own - my mother baffled me by mailing me a Union Jack flah teatowel, Union Jack cake cases (both not exactly considered cool here in Scotland, except possibly as a joke...) and some really worrying little pots of red and blue glitter that say 'EdAble Art - coatings brilliant and transperentnontoxic' that she claims we can put on cakes? If I stop being baffled long enough, I might try and turn these into something today...which will probably be worthy of a future Patrotic Cake Wreck post!

Mel said...

Sadly old bean, I don't believe you will get to see the Royal Cake today as the reception is not televised (nobody wants to risk Prince Harry's best man's speech getting out into the public domain).

Do you yanks not make your wedding cakes from fruit cake? It's always fruit cake, marzipan and icing - better structural integrity for balancing multiple tiers. Plus it lasts forever, and you are supposed to save a slice for the christening of your first child, apparently! (NB, I don't know anyone who's done this.)

Marianne @ MealMixer said...

It's not a ham hock it's Charles' EAR!!!

ukelady said...

The Royal couple cake was the first one I have ever sent to you, and I didn't get a credit as a wreckporter. I am disappointed.
In spite of that, I still love Cake Wrecks and visit every day.

Ellen said...

Yay! I can finally post a comment!

Was that last one for the royal wedding, or the premiere of the movie Soul Surfer?

And the only thing that could make that Salvador Dali modernist mess worse is sticking that piece of ragweed into it.

wv - litrum

I wish someone had poured and litrum on these cakes, because serving them flambe may be the only way!

Anonymous said...

For those curious the "Porn" type cake is actually an interpretation of Rodin's "The Kiss." It's not done well, and the rocks look like... well a pinecone to be nice, but the top isn't bad.

Don't think though it's too appropriate for a wedding regardless. You'd have kids go... "Where's their clothes."

Ru said...

The scary thing about that yellow one is that it looks JUST LIKE the Queen's hat from the wedding! Spooky!

Wee Tait said...

N.B for the last cake, where is the rest of Kate's shoulder, slightly concerned as it apparently just stops at the shoulder joint lol

Dit said...

N.B. I've just eaten a piece of the actual royal wedding cake - see, they do last forever! - and it was lovely! I'm not a great fan of fruitcake (although I do love marzipan and icing) but this was great. The box it came in was even better, a lovely little white tin box with their coat of arms, names and the wedding date printed/painted on it with swirly gold lettering... Really nice!