Friday, April 15, 2011

No Accounting For Taste

Friday, April 15, 2011

Hey, did you know that the income tax deadline here in the U.S. has been pushed back 'til Monday?

(I'll pause here to allow those of you whooping for joy to catch your breath.)

Well, if you're like me, this means you might want to get started on your taxes sometime today, or this weekend, or maybe even Monday morning. After all, as a wise man once said, "[remember to insert procrastination quote before post goes up]!"

So, in our eternal quest to help you readers in the most sincere way possible using funny cakes, here is a complete, comprehensive guide for doing your taxes.

Step 1. Mix 2 ounces ea. of vodka, tequila, rum and gin - with a splash of Coke - and drink immediately.

Repeat until thoroughly snockered.
(Note: if a poo-shaped fountain explodes from drink, you're doing it right)


Step 2. Pull shoebox of receipts from laundry hamper and take wild guess as to how much you spent last year.

(Be sure to deduct the sale price of those "Guccis.")

Now add a zero.

This is your Adjusted Gross Expenditure Allowance Total Income Bracket, Article 1. Write this number down somewhere. Preferably on something that won't run off.


Step 3. Calculate the number of dependents in your household.

This can include children, imaginary friends, other people's children, other people's imaginary friends' children, pets, favorite CDs, and certain plants. Refer to Article J, Paragraph 42, Section 3.14159 on "Ficus Financials," for more information.


Step 4. Write down all information in a legible manner:


If you're not sure about one of your figures, just put it in quotes:

This shows the IRS you're just "guess-timating." They're totally cool with that.


Step 5. Go to the nearest ATM and empty your checking account, savings account, and pockets. This is what you owe.

It's always a good idea to send your payment in cash, and stuck to a cupcake. The IRS enjoys playful pranks like this, and will doubtless credit your account several hundred dollars in exchange for the laugh.

Well, we hope you've enjoyed our comprehensive tax guide. Now, if you need us, we'll just be vacationing somewhere you've never heard of outside U.S. jurisdiction.


A big thanks to Jacob L., Kelli, Anne B., Heather, Emily and Becky L., for their taxing treats.
The Boob Nazi said...

I had no idea it was pushed back until Monday. That's crazy.

Amanda said...

Oh my goodness...the baby/dog/cryptic creature of some sort made me spit my morning tea on the computer...I'm sure my boss won't appreciate that :)

WV: sentin
Oh my goodness, I hope the poo-rocket fountain isn't sentin!

Jenniffer said...

Holy crap this is the funniest blog on the planet. PERIOD!

laughingmom said...

That first poo rocket cake might look good AFTER you drank all of that.

April said...

Thank you so much for the tax advice! I had no idea I had been doing so wrong for all of these years!!! Next year, I will bribe them with a CCC THAT should earn me BIG points! :P

wv: sumsemi - Sumsemi as a cake lover, and sumsemi as a blog lover, and sumsemi not at all. :P

Donna said...

Purple poo on a strawberry cake? Epic

wv: Shiess - formal spelling of "sheesh"

Charlotte said...

Hahaha thank you so much for the laugh as I try to figure out my taxes!!! i thought that first one was tnt, but the poop thing is WAY better. still laughing...


still laughing...

Cynthia said...

I love that you snuck in a Pi reference!

Shawna said...

Nice pi reference! =]

thesacredandtheprofane said...

Make sure your "vacation spot" doesn't have an extradition treaty. Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything.

Lori said...

Here's a good website with several procrastination quotes: http://www.fuel-my-motivation.com/procrastination-quotes-funny.html
:) Great post, as always! What the heck is that first cake supposed to be, anyway? Soda can? Firecracker? The world may never know.

elissa said...

Your description is spookily similar to how I actually do my taxes. That guesstimating thing works great!

Kristi said...

As a CPA, I am loving this post! I love the clients with the shoe boxes of receipts. So true. I wish they had left the deadline at April 15th. Now I have three extra days of insanity this year.

Sharon said...

The only thing that intrigued me today was the Wacky Cash on the cupcake. Ulysses S. Grant says, "What do I eat for breakfast every day?" "Answer on back."

What's the answer?

Sharon's Edible Art

ninja dude 11 said...

I have a imaginary friend his name is Rollo he does my taxes for me

Tracy W. said...

WV: Ciall---I laugh every time I ciall the cakes on cakewrecks. I heart Jen and John!

ninja dude 11 said...

Tracy c I don't just love them I stalk them(through cake wrecks)

Mary said...

"[remember to insert procrastination quote before post goes up]!"

LOL!!!

Anonymous said...

Hehe too bad it's not that easy

LeftWingLock said...

That made me laugh loud enough to scare the dog/baby/dependent/imaginary cat/ficus plant.

Can I please have a cupcake with cash on it now? Pleeease?


wv: musho -- musho grashiash to Jen for another awesomely instructive post!

Robin said...

Today is Emancipation Day, a holiday that is only observed in DC. This is the reason the tax deadline is now Monday. How's about some Emancipation day cakes!
(crickets chirping)
WHAT?!?! A holiday without cakes?
This is not happening to me...
I vow to not file my taxes until such cake is found.

Gary said...

Thank you for the tax advice.

In return, I'd like to be the first to say that the thing on that first cake looks like a big bloody Epcot.

Gary said...

Sharon sez:
'The only thing that intrigued me today was the Wacky Cash on the cupcake. Ulysses S. Grant says, "What do I eat for breakfast every day?" "Answer on back."

'What's the answer?'

Sharon, how can you not know the answer? His breakfast is right under the play money.

No Cake Fo You! said...

Umm the Gucci cake looks nasty and wet... there is no way I would eat that one...

and what was the first cake supposed to be???

Filed my taxes a month ago, now I will sit back and watch everyone else in panic mode... *kicks legs up on desk, folds hand behind head, lean back* aaaaahhhhhh... Happy Friday!

Mama-Beans said...

ha ha!! ( that first pic is of a stick of dynamite, although the drink is much funnier..)

Loo-E Loo-I said...

@ Sharon, answers.com had two different answers:
Anything with whiskey
Cucumbers soaked with vinegar

I think the "legible" cake says Happy Birthday Sarah (I have to decipher handwriting like that at work).

wv: plycha: Are these all wrecks? You plycha!

ninja dude 11 said...

If its that easy to Do taxes I have no fear of growing up and besides when I have to Do them we will probably just have robots that do them for us

Homer S. said...

I did my taxes over a year ago!

Ruth said...

Procrastination is the essence of my stress...that and the IRS.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go clean off my computer screen now.

wv: hancind - after a few poo fountain drinks, I shink ever-on ish hancind!

Michele said...

That first cake looks like a used feminine hygiene product.. bleh! These cakes are hilariously awful!

Anonymous said...

I thought for a second that maybe what the IRS needs is cupcakes. But then I realized that if I worked for the IRS, I know there's no way I would any cupcake sent to me by taxpayers.

Classic Steve said...

The first image is like a snake nut can, only with something fouler.

Craig said...

#1 I too thought 'firecracker' until I read the commentary; now I can't unsee Jen's explanation. Thanks loads.

#2 Gucci shoeboxes are made of styrofoam? Looks like that cake is, anyway -- very exclusive.

#3 Another way to beat the sys... er, 'reduce your taxes legally' is to donate to the Committee to Ban CCC's. Patooie.

#4 'Strange Birthday Janale'? Anyone get any closer? I'm no baker, but I'm thinking maybe the piping bag was missing something. That's my tip for the day.

#5 Look, if you want to keep claiming Ruby as a dependent, just let her be "20" for another year; "3" is kind of obvious. Leave it to some extraneous quote specialist to come up with balloons that don't look (much) like 'swimmers'.

#6 Bribing people to take CCC's? The Committee isn't amused.

Melissa McRae said...

Oh my, I am loving these cakes. I am pretty sure they were all hits... in their own way! haha

Becca said...

How gross is it that when I saw the first pic, I thought "Oh, ew... that looks like a tampon"?

Kevin said...

I love the narrative here! I don't even need to put it in quotes, because I am quite sure.

Anonymous said...

If you can't find a pen, just find a tube of toothpaste to write with, as demonstrated in step 4.

Kathryn said...

"As a wise man once said, Why put off till tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely?"

K-

Say g'night, Gracie said...

"Ficus Financials" make me laugh so hard!

Aurora said...

I'd need a few drinks in me before that poo-rocket cake looked good enough to eat!

wv: whampu - n. Super-volumizing shampoo for released by the group Wham in the 80's. "Using Whampu makes my hair feel clean and ready to go-go!"

BADKarma! said...

Is it just me, or does the cake in Step 4 look rather as though a smurf with Diverticulitis got at it?

Kelly said...

I saw a pirate hook in that first cake- amidst multi-colored "little swimmy things."

Gina said...

For the record, the ad that showed up in my feed with this post was an ACTUAL tax advice service!

Maybe they just didn't realize how awesome your advice was...

Anonymous said...

I thought the first one looked more like a bloody tampon.

Stacica said...

I do taxes everyday for other people, and this post made me giggle out loud! My boss even looked at me funny. So that's a plus. :) Thank you for being so awesome!

Janellionaire said...

Thanks, Robin, for letting us know that it is Emancipation Day. I had HEARD that there was some sort of holiday, and I WONDERED what it was, but I wasn't even going to BOTHER to look it up. You have saved me probably twos of moments of worrying about this. And, now I can tell everyone else, "I bet you don't even know what holiday is today. Humph, read a paper sometimes, jeez." All this superiority is making me tired. I'm going to take a nap.

Anonymous said...

Looks like, on the first one, someone was this close *holds up thumb and pointer finger* to keeping down the worm at the bottom of the bottle.

That play money looks like it may have been burried at some point...ick.

Andrea

Micalah said...

hahahahahahahaha thanks for the great laugh!

Royce said...

Geez if I had known doing your own taxes was that easy I would have stopped paying someone to do them for me years ago!

WV: manessa

Anonymous said...

Happy Emancipation Day! And, in Massachusetts, we get another day's grace, thanks to Monday's Patriots' Day (no relation to the football team, honest - it's the anniversary of the "Shot Heard 'round the World" - at the Battle of Lexington/Concord).

Merry at Annie's Book Stop/Sharon, MA

Jacinda Green said...

This blog is hilarious! I just stumbled upon it and will definitely continue to follow it. Love it!

JKS said...

How your government works: You have until April 18 to file your taxes. If you file AFTER April 18, the government will charge interest back to April 15! Signed, Your friendly tax professional

Just Me said...

geeeeeezzzzz it's all funny...LOL smurf with diverticulitis...hahahh

Anonymous said...

Dear IRS,

Please remove me from your mailing list as I no longer want to subscribe to your services.

Thank you,
Barbara Anne

(Ficus Financials?
Oh, you slay me!! Freakin' awesome.)

Arlene said...

Oh man if I received that strawberry cake covered in purple poo frosting I am sure I would send the IRS on the person that did it lol. Scary truly scary what they can do to destroy a cake. I so wouldn't touch that first one with the poo straw..ugh.

Tricia L said...

Love how computers can pick out the words in your blog and assign a theme for the advertisements, as in "Accounting" + "Income Tax" = Turbo Tax ad. Perhaps you should try titles like "Proctology" to see what ads come up.

Oh, would someone send me a cupcake. I have to work on my taxes today.

Cooke M said...

Maybe I'm just really tired, but this one seems EXTRA hilarious this morning. I've already done my taxes (I'm a nerd, I do mine first thing), but I don't think it's too late to send the IRS a friendly cupcake and a nice tip, is it?

Sharon said...

@ Loo-E Loo-I
Thanks for the answers to the Wacky Cash question. Cucumbers soaked in vinegar....doesn't that equal pickles? Sounds more like a pregnant woman's breakfast instead of a President's. Bleh!

Sharon's Edible Art

Kelly said...

I'm sorry, but that first one seems to be an ode to the game "Pyramid." Can't you picture the winner's circle and the giver saying, "tampons, sperm" and the receiver replying, "things found in a vagina!" They both jump up and hug each other as Dick Clark announces their winnings.

Anonymous said...

taxes are easy if you use the skills you learn in High School math, 1) select a number, 2) multiply that number by zero, 3) add the correct answer, 4) eat cake while congratulating yourself on your time saving technique

Gette said...

Hmmm I wonder, what DID Ulysses S. Grant eat for breakfast every day...?