(I'll pause here to allow those of you whooping for joy to catch your breath.)
Well, if you're like me, this means you might want to get started on your taxes sometime today, or this weekend, or maybe even Monday morning. After all, as a wise man once said, "[remember to insert procrastination quote before post goes up]!"
So, in our eternal quest to help you readers in the most sincere way possible using funny cakes, here is a complete, comprehensive guide for doing your taxes.
Step 1. Mix 2 ounces ea. of vodka, tequila, rum and gin - with a splash of Coke - and drink immediately.
Repeat until thoroughly snockered.(Note: if a poo-shaped fountain explodes from drink, you're doing it right)
Step 2. Pull shoebox of receipts from laundry hamper and take wild guess as to how much you spent last year.
(Be sure to deduct the sale price of those "Guccis.")Now add a zero.
This is your Adjusted Gross Expenditure Allowance Total Income Bracket, Article 1. Write this number down somewhere. Preferably on something that won't run off.
Step 3. Calculate the number of dependents in your household.
This can include children, imaginary friends, other people's children, other people's imaginary friends' children, pets, favorite CDs, and certain plants. Refer to Article J, Paragraph 42, Section 3.14159 on "Ficus Financials," for more information.Step 4. Write down all information in a legible manner:
If you're not sure about one of your figures, just put it in quotes:
This shows the IRS you're just "guess-timating." They're totally cool with that.
Step 5. Go to the nearest ATM and empty your checking account, savings account, and pockets. This is what you owe.
It's always a good idea to send your payment in cash, and stuck to a cupcake. The IRS enjoys playful pranks like this, and will doubtless credit your account several hundred dollars in exchange for the laugh.Well, we hope you've enjoyed our comprehensive tax guide. Now, if you need us, we'll just be vacationing somewhere you've never heard of outside U.S. jurisdiction.
A big thanks to Jacob L., Kelli, Anne B., Heather, Emily and Becky L., for their taxing treats.
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61 comments | Post a Comment
I had no idea it was pushed back until Monday. That's crazy.
Oh my goodness...the baby/dog/cryptic creature of some sort made me spit my morning tea on the computer...I'm sure my boss won't appreciate that :)
WV: sentin
Oh my goodness, I hope the poo-rocket fountain isn't sentin!
Holy crap this is the funniest blog on the planet. PERIOD!
That first poo rocket cake might look good AFTER you drank all of that.
Thank you so much for the tax advice! I had no idea I had been doing so wrong for all of these years!!! Next year, I will bribe them with a CCC THAT should earn me BIG points! :P
wv: sumsemi - Sumsemi as a cake lover, and sumsemi as a blog lover, and sumsemi not at all. :P
Purple poo on a strawberry cake? Epic
wv: Shiess - formal spelling of "sheesh"
Hahaha thank you so much for the laugh as I try to figure out my taxes!!! i thought that first one was tnt, but the poop thing is WAY better. still laughing...
still laughing...
I love that you snuck in a Pi reference!
Nice pi reference! =]
Make sure your "vacation spot" doesn't have an extradition treaty. Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything.
Here's a good website with several procrastination quotes: http://www.fuel-my-motivation.com/procrastination-quotes-funny.html
:) Great post, as always! What the heck is that first cake supposed to be, anyway? Soda can? Firecracker? The world may never know.
Your description is spookily similar to how I actually do my taxes. That guesstimating thing works great!
As a CPA, I am loving this post! I love the clients with the shoe boxes of receipts. So true. I wish they had left the deadline at April 15th. Now I have three extra days of insanity this year.
The only thing that intrigued me today was the Wacky Cash on the cupcake. Ulysses S. Grant says, "What do I eat for breakfast every day?" "Answer on back."
What's the answer?
Sharon's Edible Art
I have a imaginary friend his name is Rollo he does my taxes for me
WV: Ciall---I laugh every time I ciall the cakes on cakewrecks. I heart Jen and John!
Tracy c I don't just love them I stalk them(through cake wrecks)
"[remember to insert procrastination quote before post goes up]!"
LOL!!!
Hehe too bad it's not that easy
That made me laugh loud enough to scare the dog/baby/dependent/imaginary cat/ficus plant.
Can I please have a cupcake with cash on it now? Pleeease?
wv: musho -- musho grashiash to Jen for another awesomely instructive post!
Today is Emancipation Day, a holiday that is only observed in DC. This is the reason the tax deadline is now Monday. How's about some Emancipation day cakes!
(crickets chirping)
WHAT?!?! A holiday without cakes?
This is not happening to me...
I vow to not file my taxes until such cake is found.
Thank you for the tax advice.
In return, I'd like to be the first to say that the thing on that first cake looks like a big bloody Epcot.
Sharon sez:
'The only thing that intrigued me today was the Wacky Cash on the cupcake. Ulysses S. Grant says, "What do I eat for breakfast every day?" "Answer on back."
'What's the answer?'
Sharon, how can you not know the answer? His breakfast is right under the play money.
Umm the Gucci cake looks nasty and wet... there is no way I would eat that one...
and what was the first cake supposed to be???
Filed my taxes a month ago, now I will sit back and watch everyone else in panic mode... *kicks legs up on desk, folds hand behind head, lean back* aaaaahhhhhh... Happy Friday!
ha ha!! ( that first pic is of a stick of dynamite, although the drink is much funnier..)
@ Sharon, answers.com had two different answers:
Anything with whiskey
Cucumbers soaked with vinegar
I think the "legible" cake says Happy Birthday Sarah (I have to decipher handwriting like that at work).
wv: plycha: Are these all wrecks? You plycha!
If its that easy to Do taxes I have no fear of growing up and besides when I have to Do them we will probably just have robots that do them for us
I did my taxes over a year ago!
Procrastination is the essence of my stress...that and the IRS.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go clean off my computer screen now.
wv: hancind - after a few poo fountain drinks, I shink ever-on ish hancind!
That first cake looks like a used feminine hygiene product.. bleh! These cakes are hilariously awful!
I thought for a second that maybe what the IRS needs is cupcakes. But then I realized that if I worked for the IRS, I know there's no way I would any cupcake sent to me by taxpayers.
The first image is like a snake nut can, only with something fouler.
#1 I too thought 'firecracker' until I read the commentary; now I can't unsee Jen's explanation. Thanks loads.
#2 Gucci shoeboxes are made of styrofoam? Looks like that cake is, anyway -- very exclusive.
#3 Another way to beat the sys... er, 'reduce your taxes legally' is to donate to the Committee to Ban CCC's. Patooie.
#4 'Strange Birthday Janale'? Anyone get any closer? I'm no baker, but I'm thinking maybe the piping bag was missing something. That's my tip for the day.
#5 Look, if you want to keep claiming Ruby as a dependent, just let her be "20" for another year; "3" is kind of obvious. Leave it to some extraneous quote specialist to come up with balloons that don't look (much) like 'swimmers'.
#6 Bribing people to take CCC's? The Committee isn't amused.
Oh my, I am loving these cakes. I am pretty sure they were all hits... in their own way! haha
How gross is it that when I saw the first pic, I thought "Oh, ew... that looks like a tampon"?
I love the narrative here! I don't even need to put it in quotes, because I am quite sure.
If you can't find a pen, just find a tube of toothpaste to write with, as demonstrated in step 4.
"As a wise man once said, Why put off till tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely?"
K-
"Ficus Financials" make me laugh so hard!
I'd need a few drinks in me before that poo-rocket cake looked good enough to eat!
wv: whampu - n. Super-volumizing shampoo for released by the group Wham in the 80's. "Using Whampu makes my hair feel clean and ready to go-go!"
Is it just me, or does the cake in Step 4 look rather as though a smurf with Diverticulitis got at it?
I saw a pirate hook in that first cake- amidst multi-colored "little swimmy things."
For the record, the ad that showed up in my feed with this post was an ACTUAL tax advice service!
Maybe they just didn't realize how awesome your advice was...
I thought the first one looked more like a bloody tampon.
I do taxes everyday for other people, and this post made me giggle out loud! My boss even looked at me funny. So that's a plus. :) Thank you for being so awesome!
Thanks, Robin, for letting us know that it is Emancipation Day. I had HEARD that there was some sort of holiday, and I WONDERED what it was, but I wasn't even going to BOTHER to look it up. You have saved me probably twos of moments of worrying about this. And, now I can tell everyone else, "I bet you don't even know what holiday is today. Humph, read a paper sometimes, jeez." All this superiority is making me tired. I'm going to take a nap.
Looks like, on the first one, someone was this close *holds up thumb and pointer finger* to keeping down the worm at the bottom of the bottle.
That play money looks like it may have been burried at some point...ick.
Andrea
hahahahahahahaha thanks for the great laugh!
Geez if I had known doing your own taxes was that easy I would have stopped paying someone to do them for me years ago!
WV: manessa
Happy Emancipation Day! And, in Massachusetts, we get another day's grace, thanks to Monday's Patriots' Day (no relation to the football team, honest - it's the anniversary of the "Shot Heard 'round the World" - at the Battle of Lexington/Concord).
Merry at Annie's Book Stop/Sharon, MA
This blog is hilarious! I just stumbled upon it and will definitely continue to follow it. Love it!
How your government works: You have until April 18 to file your taxes. If you file AFTER April 18, the government will charge interest back to April 15! Signed, Your friendly tax professional
geeeeeezzzzz it's all funny...LOL smurf with diverticulitis...hahahh
Dear IRS,
Please remove me from your mailing list as I no longer want to subscribe to your services.
Thank you,
Barbara Anne
(Ficus Financials?
Oh, you slay me!! Freakin' awesome.)
Oh man if I received that strawberry cake covered in purple poo frosting I am sure I would send the IRS on the person that did it lol. Scary truly scary what they can do to destroy a cake. I so wouldn't touch that first one with the poo straw..ugh.
Love how computers can pick out the words in your blog and assign a theme for the advertisements, as in "Accounting" + "Income Tax" = Turbo Tax ad. Perhaps you should try titles like "Proctology" to see what ads come up.
Oh, would someone send me a cupcake. I have to work on my taxes today.
Maybe I'm just really tired, but this one seems EXTRA hilarious this morning. I've already done my taxes (I'm a nerd, I do mine first thing), but I don't think it's too late to send the IRS a friendly cupcake and a nice tip, is it?
@ Loo-E Loo-I
Thanks for the answers to the Wacky Cash question. Cucumbers soaked in vinegar....doesn't that equal pickles? Sounds more like a pregnant woman's breakfast instead of a President's. Bleh!
Sharon's Edible Art
I'm sorry, but that first one seems to be an ode to the game "Pyramid." Can't you picture the winner's circle and the giver saying, "tampons, sperm" and the receiver replying, "things found in a vagina!" They both jump up and hug each other as Dick Clark announces their winnings.
taxes are easy if you use the skills you learn in High School math, 1) select a number, 2) multiply that number by zero, 3) add the correct answer, 4) eat cake while congratulating yourself on your time saving technique
Hmmm I wonder, what DID Ulysses S. Grant eat for breakfast every day...?