Monday, March 28, 2011

Tonight at the Lucky Stardust Lounge

Monday, March 28, 2011


"You... are... so beautiful..."

"...to me."

"Thank you. Thank you very much."

[Leaning on piano]

"You... are... soooo beautiful..."

"...to meeee."

"The Goldmans, everyone! Fifty years today! Aren't they adorable?

"Can't you SEEE-EEE-EE?!?"


[sliding to front of stage on knees]

"You're... ev'ry-thing I HOPED for!"


[grimacing in pain]

"You're EVERYTHING I neeeeeeeeee..."

"...eeEEED!"

[winking at waitress]


"You... are... so beautiful..."

"Toooo... meeeeEEEEE."


Thank you, Nia C., Krystal C., Karen R., Julie R., Alison V., and Joshua P. Thank you so much. No, really. Thank you. Really. You're too much. Thank you. Tip your waitress!
laughingmom said...

The singing was a little off-key I think...first cake for an Oompah Loompah wedding???

Beccy said...

I would so love that first cake if it were done well!

But, alas...

Anonymous said...

Maybe Joe Cocker was the baker?

WV: hurie
Hurie up and cut me a slice of that cakewreck!

Anonymous said...

Someone please explain the BBQ layer in the last cake. Please!

Stella said...

Joe cocker and the cakes. Goes together like rye and coke...

Mary said...

That first and second one could ahve been so pretty...could have been...

Lori said...

Are those doves sitting on a pile of green poop?

WV: Pottei: The doves just couldn't get to the pottei in time.

Anonymous said...

to add insult to injury...the sprigs of flora in the dove cake is caspia which is nicknamed cats-pee due its very distinct odor
Cindi

min said...

*speechless*

Jessica T said...

The dove cake appears to have sprinkles, or is it just glitter? I hope it's edible!

And the last cake, does it really have jalepenos stuck to the side?

Crimeny! Love the singing, now I've got that song stuck in my head.

Anonymous said...

That last cake reminds me of that gross "olive loaf" lunchmeat.

To the happy couple!

--kate

Cheri said...

Wow. That first cake is just too much orange. And that's coming from a girl living at the home of the UT Vols, Knoxville, TN - otherwise known as Big Orange Country.

Kimberly said...

When am I going to learn not to have anything in my mouth when I read your entries?

I just swallowed a giant hunk of banana so I wouldn't inhale it into my lungs.

XD

wv: "Facki". What you yell when swallowing a banana and reading cake wrecks. Also, "oh my facking god, I almost choked on a banana!"

Jen Marie said...

is it weird that the singing was voiced like William Shatner?

Also i physically grimaced at the 4th cake

VW- Fooldema - when someone had cotton in their mouth and tries to say "fooled them all"

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Ooooooh now I've got The Wedding Singer movie in my head! You know...the one guy (Jimmie Moore) that was singing Ladies' Night?

"Well, good luck trying to find a DJ who can move and shake like THIS!"

And those cakes are just as bad!

wv: sumat: A mat for Sumo wrestlers.

Gween said...

You think I would have learned by now that I shouldn't check this blog while eating.
You would think.

L.B. said...

Stellar work as always, CW Crew! One of those cakes looked like it had blue/green worms on it. EWWWWWW!

WV: pimpul
I broke out into pimpuls just looking at these cakes!

Lisa said...

I've just lost my appetite. Blah! And it wasn't from the singing - believe me - that was the best part! ;)

diddleymaz said...

the first one didnt look too bad...but the rest hilarious :)


(and NO daiseys)

SuBee said...

I laughed so hard, I have nothing to say.

I'm also struck speechless by the fact that, as I type, Sandra Lee (New York's First Live-in-Lover) is being interviewed on a Public Radio show I listen to. She is hosting a bake sale at Grand Central Station tomorrow. I'm hoping to find the Easter equivalent of The Kwanza Cake. The sale is for a very good cause and I'm willing to pay anything. So it's a win-win.

Deirdre said...

I think my eyes might be bleeding. Those poor brides.

Sara said...

I dunno, I kind of like that first cake. It's got a certain radioactive glow to it.

Little Lovables said...

This totally reminds me of Lorne, Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan from Angel singing in that cursed casino. sigh.

prettyrainyfashion said...

lovin that patriotic dove cake ha ha ha

Mama JEM said...

This is the commentary from my four year old as I scrolled down the post:

Cake 1 : "It looks like a present."
Cake 2: "It looks like flowers."
Cake 3 : "Ooo it's pretty. I like it."
Cake 4 : "It looks like parrot."
Cake 5: "A snowflake."
Cake 6 : "A hat."

The Restaurant Manager said...

Those are some 'fail' cakes!

Angela said...

Is that Olives or Jalapenos on that last cake?!? Gross!

kimberj said...

I have a serious question. Do people really pay for such effed up cakes? When (hopefully) it clearly looks like nothing anyone would purposefully order.

Tamara Marnell said...

At first I didn't think these were very "wrecky," given the standards for disaster on this blog...but the fact that these are wedding cakes changes the game. I mean, a glowing orange cake is acceptable at a frat-house Halloween party, and grimace-worthy colored sugar is unavoidable at Uncle Matt's 4th of July, but at a wedding? No good.

Marie said...

Yesterday, my husband and I were talking about how the cakes were so gorgeous that we wouldn't want to eat them because we wouldn't want to cut into them. Today, I just wouldn't want to eat any of these cakes.

Donna said...

Wow. That post just put me off cake indefinitely.

bassgirl said...

Cakes as slimy as the lounge lizard singing for them.

Great total, multi-media presentation to get the week started. Ugh.

Jennifer said...

That last one is terrifying! I always wonder if these are the weddings where people remember they are on a diet and don't eat cake.

Sticks_and_bugs said...

did that last cake have PICKLES stuck all over it?

Anonymous said...

I just read this commentary a la Nick the Lounge Singer from the old Saturday Night Live skits with Bill Murray. It made it that much better. In regards to these cakes, I have no words.

mel said...

See...this just goes to show that beauty really IS in the eye of the beholder...along with some dust or something, too.... I vote for olives on the last cake, which is absolutely nauseating...to MEEEEE.

wv - oubse: Oh, you didn't want olives on your cake...oubse....

Anonymous said...

Some of the cakes would have been pretty if they had better bakers.

FM said...

I didn't even notice the green olives/pickles/snotballs stuck to the last cake because I was too busy trying to figure out what the heck that red thing was, sort of holding up the top layer. ????

Anonymous said...

All I could say was "Oh my god..." These are probably the worst cakes I've ever seen. The dove one is especially heinous. Sad!

Corgador said...

I'm getting married in October. One of my biggest fears is ending up with a cake that looks like one of these. I'm very afraid.

Donna M. said...

Oh dear...people actually served these at weddings? Glad I wasn't a guest.

Angie said...

That last one was really, really bad. Really.

Anonymous said...

Tip you waitress, but not the baker.

Melissa said...

I'm late to the game... so maybe someone else has already said this... but at first glance... I really, really thought that last cake was made from marshmallow peeps. Yellow bunnies and pink chicks to be exact.

peg said...

dang, now that song will be in my head all day. And I think I saw some of my ear worms on those cakes!

BB, Miami said...

I just can't shake the impression that the whole dove cake is made of styrofoam, even the blue and pink layers.

Anonymous said...

Had to make that last cake larger. Didn't know if it was pickles or condoms.

wv - trubing

That's the trubing with Tribbles

Nadia

Carolina Nightingale said...

dear heavens. Those are olives and BBQ chips aren't they?

I think I've got the vapors. (faints.)

Anonymous said...

Try the veal!

Shelley in So. IL

MissNay said...

Dear anonymous at 9:36am,
This cake has been infected with a radical case of flesh eating bacteria.

Fearful of doctors, this cake suffered in silence for over two months until the pain became too much. Determined to save the important "Pogo Layer" surgeons immediately set to work.

What you see here is the first stage of the epidermal grafting in which the initial ring of Skittles was being re-attached.

Painful, challenging and extensive, this process will continue for several years in order to adhere a functional protective barrier from the elements. During this process, the cake is highly susceptible to infection and illness including Forktoyapperosis, Gettinmuhbelliasis, and Haveitafterdinnya.

After the grueling procedures, this cake will still require plastic surgery to regain a normal, healthy appearance. The process will span over the next several years.

Let this be a lesson to all: Do not wait to go to the doctor. It could really fork you up.

Heidi D said...

LOVED this. :)

Caspar said...

And you are absolutely CERTAIN that all of these were 'professional' cakes? That people were expected to fork over real money for? [Yes, snowflake cake, I'm especially looking at you]

scyllacat said...

Did someone ask for Cheeto-dust orange? Maybe they did, maybe they didn't... and I'm not accounting for a taste for doves with red and blue sparkles,

But the bridal couple i feel sorry for is #3. That would have been SO pretty if ... if.... it might even taste good. It looks like pound cakes stacked on top of each other.... but ... *breaks down in tears*

Then the final cake broke through my shock and I reeled away in horror. What IS it?

WV: ocanidec: OcanIdec-orate your cake better than these poor souls? (No. I can barely frost cupcakes.)

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't think the first one was that bad. Besides, isn't ORANGE your favorite color?? ;)

Anonymous said...

Ok, I don't think it's ever happened before, but my jaw actually dropped open on that last one. Jeez, the pain.

Cloudy said...

These are so horrible. I would not have served them to my teenage sons on a Thursday night when dad was out of town, much less had the temerity to ask money for any one of these and expect it to be served in public at at wedding! I am about to lose my cookies!

WV: ressiven, as in "Hey baker, you won't be ressiven ANY money for this monstrosity of a cake!"

Summer Knightly said...

Horribly nauseating cakes aside, was I the ONLY one who thought of The Little Rascals while reading this? I couldn't stop imagining little Alfalfa singing this to Darla in that rowboat. So cute! The cakes... not so much. Though I admit, that first one had potential if it didn't have that "bad spray on tan" orange look.

-Summer K.

Cake Weavers said...

Is wondering if the person that took the photos were proud of the cake or was secretly proud because they knew it was going to be cake wrecks?

No Cake Fo' You!! said...

Hideous Hideous Hideous... if I were the bride I would be demanding my money back, I would embarrassed to even serve these wrecks!

WV: Gremot - those don't gremotely look like wedding cakes...

KimberlyAlsp said...

HAHA this post had me laughing out loud in the most literal sense. The cakes were wrecky as usual, but the writing just cracked me up.. I could just picture it happening! [Although at first I thought it was Jen writing, which made it another level of funny]. LOVE the website, don't stop!

Pixie said...

Horrors!

I just about died laughing at these-jeepers. I mean, wow. Just. wow.

Craig said...

#1 Looks like someone has an 'orange crush'. [chirp] Thank you. I guess the drummer is on break. Wasn't that singing great?

#2 The kids have been wanting to do this since they were three (which was last year), so I said, "go ahead." After all, how bad could it be? What do you mean, 'now you know'?!

#3 Looks like the wreckerator's inspiration was behind and to the left.

#4 I would ask what the dove on the left is doing, but it seems fairly obvious: making this cake.

#5 Sandra Lee strikes again.

#6 I sincerely hope I'm wrong, but I see potato salad (Texas style, with mustard), ham slices, BBQ ribs, olives and either jalapeno or pickle slices. I wouldn't begin to guess what's inside. I just hope too much time didn't elapse before serving. This is not a cake, repeat, this is not a cake! Take cover immediately!

Melinda said...

The first cake would be pretty in a better color I think.

Kendra said...

I'm here daily to check out the cake wrecks but have never commented. Today's post, however, had me laughing SO HARD that my dogs were looking at me like I'd lost my mind. LOL LOVE IT!!!

Angi said...

I just appreciate so much the fact that you post them from bad to worse to much worse.....makes the experience THAT much better! by the time I get to the last of the day, I am literally crying from laughing so hard(maybe just crying because the cakes are SO BAD!!)....

Erin said...

The only rhing that could have redeemed the snowflake cake is if it had been ninja stars instead.

awesome post today!

BADKarma! said...

That first cake looks like someone loaded Tang into the airbrush and went to town...

Anonymous said...

UM, IS THAT AN EGG SALAD WITH OLIVES SLICE CAKE IN THE LAST PIC???

mizdarlin said...

Just found this in HuffPost- thought it might interest you, in an International sort of way-they say that the hippest place in Europe is Berlin..
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/cranetv/das-neue-kubitscheck-muni_b_840609.html

KatjaMouse said...

That first cake is like someone had ordered a wedding cake with orange accents or an orange foundation and either no one read that instruction before they began laying the fondant or they went waaaaaaaaay beyond "accenting" it.

Anonymous said...

Every time I see a post like this I think "these cannot be professional bakers, right?" Isn't that a CW requirement? Say it isn't so.

Tina said...

LMAO - so lame. I can't believe a baker/wreakator would have the nerve to deliver these and expect payment.

Joseph said...

Sad, but that first one actually had potential ..........Until they added flowers and orange airbrushing. What rhymes with orange?...?

WV: galicin - a new topical cream helpful in ridding me of the hives I break out in when viewing cakes of this caliber.

Oldish Lady said...

I didn't know pigeons pooped in those colors....

Melissa said...

All horrible. My 4 year old took a look at these and said "why would somebody DO that?"

Jay said...

There are no words to describe the expression on my face.

wv: ingur: Who on earth would ingur such wrath in cake form?

Bev said...

I had to look twice.. at that last cake. At first glance those rose petals? looked like they might have been Peeps.

Lizziebeth said...

I'm dying to know... what is wv? I mean, it's definitely not West Virginia.
The last cake might just have ensured that I never eat cake again.

Meesh in MO said...

If uncle Carl hadn't escaped from the mental facility and got a hold of the air brush machine, the first cake would have been quite lovely.

Anonymous said...

Niiiice to see an EF3!!! Forget the tornado rating scale "EF". We're talking Epic Fail rating scale. EF0= Epic Fail not so bad. EF5= Epic Fail what the H3ll??? And I really like the orange one. Reminds me of all the retreating flags of UT after they got beat down this last football season...

Anonymous said...

Every time I see cakes like these, I have to go back to my wedding pictures to make sure my cake really was as great as I thought it was.

It was.

Anonymous said...

those doves looked really nice until I rolled down to the cake.

dat

Katrina said...

Bwahahaha! That made me laugh out loud! John you are awesome ;-) (and Jen is too of course!)

Anonymous said...

Are we SURE these were "professionally" done? I mean, if I delivered any of those to someone who paid actual money I would have died of embarrassment. Those poor brides!!

Marnie said...

Today is Monday. It's been overcast and rainy. I was hoping for a laugh on CW and what do I get? Depression! Jen and John, how can you post such depressing pictures on a rainy Monday? I can't even imagine what some of those poor people possibly ordered to be stuck with these pathetic and depressing cakes. I will now head over to Epbot in the hopes that Megacon pics will cheer me. Oh, please don't let me down.[Fingers crossed]

Blake said...

How to people make this crap?

Amy Ellen said...

Oh my..... yup thats it.... those were bad....

Andrea said...

I hope that was the Little Rascals version as sung by Alfalfa. Because that is exactly what I heard in my head as I read it.

Lindsey said...

That last one has to be the WORST. WEDDING. WRECK. EVER. Honestly! We should put it to a vote... anyone with me?!

KarenDFrancis said...

I love the song choice, simply a match made in heaven!

Anonymous said...

if that first cake didn't have a spray tan, it would be really pretty.

john said...

#2 needs more mums and baby's breath. Cakes like these are better used as floral foam than food.

#3 probably looked better before they threw it against the brick wall in the background.

#5 is just plain lame.

#6. Are those capers!? And why did they let it get attacked by wild animals?

Aviatrix said...

They're all ... so close to right. If I didn't have my glasses on, I'd think they were real cakes.

Anonymous said...

@ MissNay
(prostrate with forehead touching the ground)
I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy!! You, lady, are AWESOME!!

-Barbara Anne

P.S. Randy, Steven & Jennifer would have found the singing a little pitchy but I loved the dance interlude. (And some people say men shouldn't wear tights!)

Quats said...

That's not a snowflake cake. That's a cake that winter ninjas were trying to put out of its (and our) misery. I think it might be Zombie Cake with Snowflake Shuriken now. ("It just won't dieeeeeee.... ieeeeee!!!!!)

theelfqueen said...

~~sigh~~ These things are the reason I'm terrified of ordering a cake for my son's Eagle Court of Honor. What if I have to send it to you???

Arlene said...

Ack! Can we go back a day to the sweets? These are gonna haunt me and not because that first one looks like a pile of melting orange sherbet lol. I love the off key singing though.. fits for this..

MissNay said...

Aww, thanks Barbara Anne! You're too sweet :)

DJ Twisted Sister said...

These cakes have me wondering what William & Kate's royal wedding cake is going to turn out like...the mischievous side of me is so hoping its some kind of cakewreck!

Anonymous said...

Oh, GO. I remember those snowflake ornaments! And are those blue snowflakes the gel ones you stick on windows?!

Disgusting...

TriGirl said...

The cakes...so disturbing!

The writing...so funny!!!!

wv: saseck. Your boozy lounge singer's attempt to request a 'sound check'.

groovyghosthunter said...

The last cake looks like it was made with deviled eggs, complete with olives!

Pandora said...

Blah! That last one looked, well, recycled.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_F6C7BHP27I

WV: Diste- Diste needs some lemon.

Wendy said...

Oh. MY.!!!

Elizabeth said...

Here's a tip to bakers- if it doesn't look good before decorating it, adding more decorations won't help! YIKES!

DangGina said...

Damn, I should've read this post yesterday! (Yesterday was stupid, and this post made me laugh. HARD.)

Trying to decide which was better: the fugly cakes, or the commentary. Maybe we'll say it was a perfect combination?

Bwa ha ha!

whatever said...

i somehow can imagine the story of the first one going like this:

bride (at tasting/ordering, 2 month prior to the wedding): yeah, i want a three layer cake with two square layers and a round layer on top, and i think i'm going with a classy white one - that way it can't clash with any decorations, right?

baker: what a very good choice, i will make you a pretty white cake - how about a bow on top and a few pretty flowers?

bride: alright, see you at the day of the wedding.

---------------------

bride (on the phone, the morning of the wedding day): OMG, i have just seen the reception hall, and everything is white, including the table decorations! they forgot the orange ribbons to match my bouquet and now it looks totally horrid and out of place! so, now, i need you to change my order to have my cake orange so that it matches the bouquet!

baker: i'm sorry, the cake is already made, and it is white. i can't change that now.

bride (bridezilla-mode): THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE! THE CAKE NEEDS TO BE ORANGE! DON'T YOU DARE RUIN MY DAY!!

baker: well, no, it's not possible, if i started to do the decorations all over again in another color it wouldn't be ready until tomorrow. you should have told me at least two weeks prior that you wanted to change it. it can't be done.

bride: I DON'T CARE! IF THE CAKE ISN'T ORANGE WHEN IT ARRIVES I WILL THROW IT IN YOUR FACE AND YOU WON'T GET PAID!

baker: alright, i'll make it orange then (fetches paintbrush).....

Anonymous said...

Having been reviewing this blog for a long time, I have not seen such ruinous cakes in forever. The last one actually made me say "What in the hell is THAT?" Poor, poor bride.

missfortune said...

That first one is the Jersey Shore of cakes.. theres a lotta GTL in there

Nancy said...

My dog is wondering why I'm sitting hear with tears in my eyes making funny sqealing noises. He just doesn't understand.

Adorably Dead said...

The first one I didn't think was too bad. You completely caught me off gaurd, after the first it was like getting whacked in the jaw with ugly XD

Becky said...

Not meaning to be a storyteller, but my aunt and uncle had that song at their wedding. I thought I was the only one who realized it's actually not a compliment at all!!! Thanks for your validation!!

And yes, those cakes are all incredibly hideous!

terri c said...

The singing HAS to be off-key I think. The first one might be nice if it weren't orange??? and the last one looks as if it has OLIVES all over it. My God.

jen said...

At first glance, I actually thought there were jalapeƱos on the last one.

Anonymous said...

the last cake looks like it is made of hummus. This is much worse than the last time you did wedding wrecks. On that post, except for the duct tape one, I actually liked them. Probably means I should work for a bakery and start getting my 15 minutes of fame.

Meghan the Smith

wv. Axedise -- I need to axedise discretion when deciding who to bake my cakes.

jenna said...

The last cake sorta looks like they've hid a spinal cord in the middle and one of the layers has peeled away to reveal the horror within

rqw1968 said...

Just getting caught up on past posts. This one had me ROLLING.

John: Tell me you were channeling John Belushi when you sang this. Just tell me. I'll adopt you right here, right now.

Jen: I'd adopt you as well, but ... well ... that would make things very awkward for you and the hubster. If you got the reference, you're officially my new bff and can stay married to my newly adopted son, with my deepest mostest hearfeltest (can't have too many "ests") blessings. (Sorry. Can't take that back. What's done is done.) Speaking of which ... You never call anymore. Meh.

Editormum said...

Please explain why that last cake has green escargot shells stuck into its sides. Yikes.

sara said...

I think that last cake has jalepeno slices on it.