Thursday, March 31, 2011

Ghost Taunters

Thursday, March 31, 2011

"Hello and welcome to Ghost Investigator Dudes. I'm Brad Johnson, a frat boy jock who isn't afraid of ANYTHING and enjoys taunting the afterlife by yelling challenges into empty cellars.

"With me are Joey..."

"Yo!"

"...and Mike."

"Yo!"

"Today we're here at the old Chattanooga asylum, where, like, a bunch of people died 'n stuff and we're totally gonna lock ourselves in all night and see what happens and film everything with shaky pocket infrared cameras and bad sound equipment.

"Awright, let's get started! So we're going down to the dungeons to...

"WHOA!!! Something touched me! Dude! Did you get that on camera?!?"

"No."

"Aw, dude."

(Geeet oooouuuut!!)


"Righteous. So, like, now we're going down into the kitchens where they kille..."

"WHOA!!! Did you see that?"

"No."

"There! In the corner! Were you filming?"

"Sorry, man, no - but I did feel a little cold just then."

"Duuude."

(No seeeeeriously. Geeeet oooouuuut!!!)


"Shyah. That was, like, almost totally spiritual. So, check it! The caretaker here says there's this dog? That's like a ghost? That haunts the library and kills people? So we should totally go there."

"Whoa!"

*beep* *beep* *beeeeeeeeeeeep*

"Did you *beeeep*'n see that?!?"

[camera swinging wildly, sound of scuffling feet]

*beeeeep*

"Dude, tell me you got that on tape!!"

"Sorry, bra. It was pointed at the floor."

"Whoa."

(I kill you!!)

"Ok, so, like, there's a wedding chapel in this asylum that's, like, totally haunted, right? And a bunch of people died there last week so, like, let's turn off all our lights and point our cameras at the floor."

[girlish shriek]

"DUDE! I saw something move!"

"Something walked by me!!"

"Someone's massaging my shoulders!!!"


(Well, hello there.)

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*



Thanks to Emily L., Jessica L., Leslie H., Urvashi, & Tama, but we still don't know what happened to André.
ElizabethB said...

Santino for the win!!!!!!

A.J. said...

That last cake will haunt my nightmares. Yikes.

Anonymous said...

Jen, you totally nailed it on the head! I could have sworn I was actually watching one of those shows. Ha ha!

The shoulder massaging did it for me! I hope I can keep it together in my meeting today; that was just too fun.

Yoshimay said...

Is that last cake sporting a photo of Santino from season 2 of Project Runway? And more importantly, WHY is that last cake sporting a photo of Santino from season 2 of Project Runway?

Angie said...

That last one is going to give me more nightmares than any real ghost encounter ever could.

Sharon said...

Achmed the Dead Terrorist! I love it!

Sharon's Edible Art

Ron and Jessica said...

Is that first cake scrambled eggs with a bacon mouth?

Jabby said...

That dog cake is almost cute, but I can't figure out what's that thing hiding under the table. Is it there to eat all the veggies you don't like or just kill everyone?

Kelly said...

That final cake is simply not appropriate without candles burning and Roger's "I Want to Be Your Man" playing.

Kati M said...

lol "What happened to Ahn-dre?" Santino does the best Tim Gunn impression.

Donna said...

OMG the "I kill you" line I totally had the voice of Achmed the Dead Terrorist in my head... LOL Funny funny post!!!

Dani said...

Alright I was totaly confused by that picture of the dog cake but then I got down to the last picture and I just....just....I'm not thinking about this any more.

If you need me I will be off shoping for eye bleach.

Anonymous said...

The horror, the horror O_o

Anonymous said...

So that first cake shows the mindset of many cake wreckerators--if you need to hide your lack of artistic skills, use more icing...slather it on thick, use large piping tips, and when in doubt, add more!

SuBee said...

Some days i feel like I was married at a wedding chapel in an insane asylum.

That second cake! Is that supposed to be a bull? What is that red thing? Really, any ideas?

Wendy said...

Oy...that last cake... LOL! How long have you been saving the house of horrors cakes anyhow? :o)

Anonymous said...

wv: arightro
"Arightro then, let's get started. As you can see, our first cake represents Oscar the Grouch after a bad dye job..."

Julie G. from Iowa said...

*Beepin'* hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Not the biggest fan of today's post, but my 2 year old saw the first photo and said "it's a cake!". Apparently that one didn't get messed up enough since a 2 year old can still tell it's supposed to be edible.

Don't get me wrong...I'm a daily reader and love the majority of the posts :) Keep on cakin'...

tracylee said...

But no psychics, mediums or exorcists! LOL, that show is too funny. Nothing ever caught on video but dust. I love what you did with it!

Loo-E Loo-I said...

LOL Sharon - you're not the only one that heard Achmed!

Then I heard Psycho-shower-scene music on that last one!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Also, I was just rolling about the EPCOT yesterday! ;D

wv: hypotin: Those wreckerators must be using some hypotin drugs to create cakes like that!

Anonymous said...

*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*
Great parody! Though, is it fair to parody something that parodies itself?;-)

msyendor said...

Lessee ... beefcake, shoulder massages, butt pinching, hair pulling ... wait. aren't i supposed to be watching a show about ghosts?

And who squashed the puppy under the table? yech.

wv: feurchir: Feurchir, I always figured if i were a ghost, the first thing I'd scream into an investigator's ear is "Scooby Snax!"

Amy said...

I laughed the whole time until I reached the last cake, which I know will haunt me for a long time.
Uh-oh. Haunt me?
Someone pass me my "frat boy jock who isn't afraid of ANYTHING and enjoys taunting the afterlife by yelling challenges into empty cellars" and "pocket infrared cameras and bad sound equipment."
I love you, Jen. Sincerely.

pikkewyntjie said...

#1: Tammy Faye has been reincarnated as a hideous cake! Poor woman can't seem to catch a break in any life. (I met her in an airport once. I actually thought she was kind of nice.)

#2: Not sure if that's a cow or a dog, but the first thing I thought I saw was boobs. And, no, I'm not a fourteen-year-old boy.

#3: Oh, sure, we all enjoy seeing them play poker, but we don't like the ugly image of nasty hangovers after a night of tying one on, waking up under a table with someone whose name you don't remember, the eyes filled with regret.

#4: Poor Jagruti and Vishal. They used that bad copy of the Hindi-English dictionary and this is what they ended up with. What they wanted was a hovercraft full of eels.

#5: Well, at least Brad kept his pants on this year. On the cake, anyway.

studiorose said...

Given a choice, I'd rather find myself in a dark, haunted asylum with whatever that first thing was than Santino.

Unless Tim Gunn was there to comfort me. =)

KimA said...

My name is Kim and I hope I never get a cake that scary for my birthday!! Awesome narration, too!!

Caroline B said...

Despite the horror of the last cake ('Here, have the slice with his crotch on it' - 'No, I'd rather not' 'Would you prefer his wandering hand?' - 'No, really...' - 'Aw go on' 'No...' 'You will, you will..') the dog and table cake raises so many questions. Is that a real table? Why is it squashing the little doggie? Why is the other doggie humping the table? If that's a real table, is anyone going to eat the bit of cake that's on top of it? Is that cake under the table? Is anyone going to eat the bits that have table legs on it? Who gets to keep the table? I think I'd have been thrown out of that party fairly early on...

coeurdechoeur said...

Most of the post warranted smirks and chuckles. Then I saw Santino Rice and burst out laughing and couldn't stop for a good ten seconds. Epic win.

WV: bouthou - I watched every episode of On the Road with Austin & Santino, because I love bouthou them.

No Cake Fo' You!!! said...

OMG, that last cake took the cake.... LOLOLOL...

WV : peemon
*in my Jamaican voice* Dis post was so funny it almost made me pee mon...

Anonymous said...

Love the Project Runway references!

Erica T. said...

Woohoo! I live in Chattanooga. Don't think we have an old asylum, but we have one that is currently in use! :D

"What happened to Andre?" is one of my all-time favorite TV lines.

Cheri said...

This one keeps on giving. I haven't stopped laughing about it.
Loved the commentary. Thanks for the giggles!

Hungarican Chick said...

Ewww, Santino and his greasy hair.

Heidi D said...

Andre' is terrifying!

BADKarma! said...

ROFLMAOH... I so totally heard that in Zak Bagans' voice...

You guys ROCK.

Lulubelle B said...

Beepin' hysterical!! Wreck on dudes!

~flying gurl~ said...

snicker...snort....the second uh cake? cow? ghost? is that a steak in front of it? roflamo on the last one sorry massaging my shoulders omg...

wv: revisea~ wouldnt want to revisea that bakery with the haunted cow cake ever again...

Heather said...

Loved this posting. Since I am a paranormal investigator, and hate that show that you hint at. It had me in stitches the entire time! For the record I do feel silly talking to empty rooms.

As for the Santino cake maybe it was an inside joke for the lovely couple, maybe she in reality hates Santino, and her man pokes fun at her. It's like that with Justin G. of Amerinan Idol fame, I can't stand him, but hubby always makes fun of me and says stuff, like come on you know you want him.

JW said...

OMG I screamed out loud at the last one! AHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

Ellen said...

FABulous!

wv - elisruff

Elisruff-ly laughing at this post - :::clears throat::: - ah, now I can laugh clearly.

Janine said...

aww... I <3 Santino!

Anne-with-an-e said...

I was so nicely giggling away at your take on the looking for ghosts shows, but you sure pulled a fast one on me with the Santino cake. Wow, just wow.

Please tell me you have no Tim Gunn wrecks. Tim Gunn should not become a travesty in icing.

Wreckerators and designers and bloggers alike, make it work. And if it doesn't, have a good laugh!

Kimberly Chapman said...

Totally going to spread this around my skeptic friends! Awesome!


wv: bones. Not kidding. My wv is bones. OMG CAKEWRECKS HAUNTED MY COMPUTER AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! If I say CakeWrecks into a mirror three times does Jen show up in my kitchen to take photos of my cake disasters?! Oh wait, no, I'm in Texas and therefore protected by the Anti-CW-Field-of-Doom...*sighofrelief*

cq75 said...

Not only did I have an Achmed TDT moment (Silence!) I had a Westley moment with the second ...umm.. I guess we call it cake:
"Oh Dear God! What is that thing?!?!"

wv Veerat Don't veerat that too closely... it might be alive.

colleenoz said...

Holy cow (pardon the inadvertent pun) if cake #2 isn't enough to put you off cake for the rest of your life then that last one surely will....

florid nightingale said...

Perfect! I could almost hear the imagined EMFs (or whatever they are called).

Anonymous said...

Like it, but where is the:
Listen to this audio tape!
*unintelligible grumble*
Woah! Cant you hear "Im gonna kill you!"
*plays 5 more times*
Yeah man. Spooky.

J Nixon said...

Oh my Christ, I almost dropped one of my kids I was laughing so hard at this. Thank you. Seriously.

colleen said...

Tears. Oh my goodness.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that commentary actually sounds like the guys from "Ghost Adventures" from the Travel Channel... Kinda freaky.

Lydia Ruby Atsma said...

I love that show....yes. I admit it. Great post.

Morgi said...

Ghost Adventures is my favourite macho-guys-running-around-scaring-themselves-silly show evar.

But as for that last cake, I'll stick to the plastic duded on the bearskin rug. o.O

Anonymous said...

Syfy isn't what it used to be.

Zazoo said...

It warms my heart to see that little white dog try to lift that heavy table off of the little black crushed dog. I like to think he succeeded in saving his friend.

wv: cousnest- A cozy home for a cow.
"That second cake might be more at home in a cousnest.

Marie said...

Cake #2 - I'm pretty sure that's supposed to be a dog with a steak in front of him.

I read about the massage on the last part and then I made the mistake of scrolling down. I literally jumped when I saw it. Why would anybody want to do that to a perfectly good cake?

Shanna said...

this post just made my day!! loved the whole thing!

Sewconsult said...

Name of institution in Chattanooga is "Moccasin Bend".
We use to joke that my mother was born in the area, (before the building of the facility) and that she would end up there. It's my understanding that the place is now closed.
Beckie in TN

Anonymous said...

That first cake, with its wide white eye sockets, reminds me of the animated characters/band members of the band Gorillaz.

mickey said...

But where the HELL is the chiffon? Thanks for todays laugh--I have been watching PR season two ALL DAY while in my sewing room and when I take a break to check on todays offerings, there again is Santino! Has to be my coincedence of the year!

S. Ferguson said...

Andre and Santino are at the Red Lobster!

Wild Child said...

Chattaooga's Moccasin Bend is still open for business. I'm looking at it right now from my work window. Occasionally they'll have an excapee and find them on the north shore near the liquor store or the Chattanooga Cupcake store. Yum... cupcakes. (They are all individual and not shoved into cake-form.)

alynxia said...

Terrifying. Absolutely terrifying (especially that last one EEEEEK)

Anonymous said...

Santino? Hahaha, I want that cake!

Christina said...

I happened to be watching Ghost Hunters when I clicked over to today's post! SPOOKY! You got the dialogue spot on, dude! :)

Craig said...

Jen nailed these shows.

"Credibility is important, so joining us now are three people who swear to gawd that they heard that weird stuff happens here!"

[Note: The foregoing is an example of 'additional comment that reinforces the point being made by another' and is in no way intended as an attempt to rewrite Jen's commentary. Some readers already knew that.]

Is Mike Brad's brother?

#1 A mac & cheese...cake? It has possibilities...

#2 A cow and a steak? I get it -- the talking cow from Milliways!

#3 That certainly looks like a real table... I see sufficient space under it to accommodate the black dog, but that wouldn't explain the eyes -- unless s/he is wondering (as I am) what the confections in the foreground are supposed to represent.

#4 Maybe it's the narration or the lighting; maybe the dripping red, maybe all of those things together that makes me wonder what happened just before the picture was taken.

#5 Of all the things for a wreckerator to get right. Cartoon character? Can't handle it. Team logo? Nope. This guy? No problem. Why...?

Kati said...

That decomposing dog down in the kitchens scared the *beeeeeep* out of me, and I got chills from the wedding cake with blood dripping all over it. I was gingerly scrolling down to the last cake and then ... *Bwahahaha* ... SANTINO! I'm still laughing!

Pilgrim said...

i am sending you the bill for tonight's therapy session.
sweet jesus, that is creepy stuff.

Micalah said...

OMG LOL

DJWildBill said...

I want that Santino cake! He is amazing and fun to watch on all of his shows (Project Runway, On the Road with Austin & Santino, RuPaul's Drag Race, and RuPaul's Drag U). Imagine that, you put up a cake wreck that made me smile for all the right reasons. Winning!

wv: metshabi

I never metshabi chic until I saw what Santino was wearing on the cake. No darling... on the cake. Itself.

Celesta said...

*Squeal* This is awesome! My boyfriend loves watching the Ghost Hunters and I think it's bull. I can't wait to show this to him. And Achmed the Terrorist! Love it!

Nancie said...

Love this post!! I really felt like I was watching that *one* ghost hunting show. Thanks for the laugh :)

Toni W. said...

Just when I think there is no way you could ever be funnier... you prove me wrong. Brilliant!

Maureen said...

What is with that dog cake? Is that seriously a pro cake? How in the world could a real cake decorator think that was a good idea? A table? Really? WHY!?

(I'm sure it came from a pro but wow, just wow)

Aften said...

Hilarious!!!! I felt like I was watching an episode with those 3 goofballs! Thanks for a good laugh, I needed that today!

Mary said...

That second one..the green dog...looks like it coughed up a bloody lung...ewww.

jillb-ilslp said...

J Nixon,
You almost dropped ONE of your kids? I have to ask because I can't decide which visual image to go with - are you holding several babies while you read Cake Wrecks or are you expecting multiples? :-0

Your comment made me laugh.

And Jen - perfect yet again!

Karen said...

HAHAHA! I would love to hear that those LAME morons actually have some sort of "encounter" with one very pissed off, um, something and they scream like little girls at a slumber party running away.

chaitea said...

Choked on afternoon snack of Planters Nuts.

GA, Valentine's Special comedy skit from show:

Ghost 1: Succubus! I'm a succubus!

Z: Is the Incubus here? You're welcome to touch me.

Ghost 1: I said Succubus! Oh, forget it. Here.

Ghost 2: Well, hellloooo ...

Bethie said...

Waiting for the Andre "Red Lobster" cake

Valerie said...

Santino for the win, indeed! Where did they get that super creepy pic of him?? And WAHOOOO For Jenn my hero specifically mentioning my town. Yay Chattanooga!

Rachel H. said...

BAHAHAH! That is the one ghost show i CANNOT stand, and that's exactly why! He makes it an extreme sport! 9_9

Truly haunted bakeries out there, to make such scary cakes! *grin*

Anonymous said...

I thought that top one was a cheese dip with pepperoni. I didn't realize it was a cake until about the third glance!

Anonymous said...

The internet is over, this post has won.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Whatever that show is called, it was ripe for parody!

Maxine Dangerous said...

I love your writing. :D

ZakNickAaronFan said...

I'm sorry but I'll have to boycott CakeWrecks now for making fun of my favorite "Ghost Show".... that was so uncool guys. ;)

Letitia said...

You completely captured the depth, sincerity and english language skills of the Ghost Hunters crew....the one with the guy and his faux-hawk, not the one with the bald guy. The bald guy and his partner have better language skills...almost.

elecblueis said...

Oh. My. Gawsh.

The 2 things I count on for a good sidesplitting laugh in one place, Cake Wrecks and Ghost Adventurers! - and Achmed, too! This post was absolutely hysterical.

I could almost hear the crackly EVPs. I just got chills, dude. Did you catch that light phenomenon in the corner over there? Good.

wv: extyst - If ghosts extyst, they must get a kick out of guys like Zak and Nick, and their lack of believability.

TxLadyBaker said...

The second wreck looks like a zombie cow that's ready to dig into a piece of fresh meat!

Anonymous said...

You totally nailed Ghost Hunters (or whatever it's called). God, that show is awful.

And those are the wreckiest wrecks ever. Really terrible. Except for the last one. That one is awesome.

Ginny said...

"What happened to Andre" in the Tim Gunn/Santino voice is one of my favorites of all time. Thanks for resurrecting it!

Sarah said...

By the way, Andre is at Red Lobster with Tim Gunn.

Liana said...

Thank you for this post!! I loved it :)

Anonymous said...

I also live in Chattown & can confirm the following:
A) Moccasin Bend still houses the insane [and their fences are not high enough as the loopy wards get out frequently to wander the grounds of the nearby golf course scaring the bejeezus out of the elderly, plaid-clad patrons]; and
B) there is an "Old" asylum downtown. For you locals, it's the pink building across from the Memorial Auditorium. It was morphed into apartments, but the contractor did a poor job as everyone's front door has a slot through which stale bread can be shoved by wardens.

On a side note, your site makes me shoot milk out of my nose. That was intended to be a compliment.
Love from the Other Jen (from Chattanooga)

Anonymous said...

At my house we refer to it as the Dude, Bro, Dude...after that the whole ghost thing is just implied.

Eve said...

The grey undead dog! The horrible grey undead dog and its horrible, horrible eyes!

Dave said...

The dogs are so strange!!!! I feel like more dogs are going to crawl out from underneath.

Anonymous said...

I was laughing about the commentary & crying about the alleged cakes. Then, I reached the last one and got a better scare than any ghost show can produce!! Some hold me, please?

-Barbara Anne

wv: proodan
It ain't proodan to tick off the dead.

Elizabeth said...

Hi from Chattanooga! I just had to mention that Ghost Adventures recently came to our area. They may have messed with the wrong spirit. Here's the news report...

http://www.wrcbtv.com/global/video/flash/popupplayer.asp?ClipID1=5615205&h1=Weather%20Provides%20New%20Twist%20for%20Ghost%20Adventures&vt1=v&at1=News&d1=66867&LaunchPageAdTag=Search Results&activePane=info&rnd=23807370

Anonymous said...

Ok, I finally got it. The dog is supposed to be under the table, not squished by the table. But, I totally still don't get the "Love Brad" Do we really need that greasy hair on a cake? And what is the big orange thing?

wv: diess - the slow death of a dog being squished by a table.

mycrazylife said...

very disturbed by the second cake.... i will go out on a limb here and say its a mountain goat that puked up its own heart????

Anonymous said...

Best. Post. EVER! Seriously. That was HILARIOUS! Thank you. I needed a good laugh.

Adams Family Album said...

C'mon! Those ghost hunter shows are TOTALLY real!! *snort* lol :)

Anonymous said...

OMG! Were these residual hauntings or hahahaha intellectual hauntings. From the looks of the cakes not intellectual. Brilliant on the Ghost Taunters!

Arlene said...

That last cake will give me nightmares for years. Lol I love Ghost Adventures and that is exactly how most episodes seem to go lately. That first cake looks like someone smashed the Joker's face in.. lol.

Interrobang said...

That first cake gave me a one-way ticket to the Uncanny Valley.

Jecka said...

A Santino Rice cake??? (The last one.) I wonder if he knows that he's been on a cake! I'm a big fan of his... but wouldn't want his likeness on a cake at all.

Caitlin B. said...

Oh Ghost Adventures...I watch you because you are hilarious.

Awesome job on catching the tone of the guys on the show. Plus, that Santino cake...no words there, really. He was def my favorite guy on PR that season, though.

Pinnywearer said...

If that picture on the last cake is ACTUALLY of Brad the sendee to Kim the beloved, can anyone explain why he appears to be cuddling an orange hot water bottle in that very pervy way?..

TJ said...

That first cake is all like

ಠ_ಠ

Isabella said...

Ah, Ghost Adventures. I laugh every time that show is on. Ghost Hunters used to be the good one to watch but...eh. Maybe someone should go check out in Marie Antoinette still haunts Versailles? I'm sure she likes cake! (It's all about bringing it back to the topic, baby!)

Madison said...

Reppin' the 423! My hometown.

Now to go find the old asylum...after I find my frat-boy jocks...or at least convince my redneck boys that they're going to pretend to not be afraid of anything.
Might be easier to find some frat-boy jocks.

NotFratBoy said...

Hmmm... love your site, but your use of the term "frat boy" is a bit offputting. Probably best not to use it in the future.

Anonymous said...

Was that a Lamb eating a bloody steak cake?

MCR said...

You are so right-on w/the ghost adventures parody i can't stand it. Thank you for another great post and a perfect example of why cake wrecks rocks. whoo!

MCR said...

and real quick, why do people who don't "get" a particular post/humor/etc.. feel the need to tell you "i don't like this post, i don't like that one word you used" despite your use of said word in context and if they were 'in the know' then they wouldn't be mildly offended. Sheesh. Keep up the absolutely fantastic work, we love it!

Jana said...

Dude!!! I was watching Ghost Adventures when I read this and realized that you and I are kindred spirits! Love you, love the Cake Wrecks! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Jana

jadeXcore said...

We call them the Ghost Brahs at my house.

Melinda said...

haha I didn't realize the pic with the table and dog was a cake for a moment. I thought it was real.

Anonymous said...

Pretty accurate description of ghost hunters or whatever its called

LE said...

Y'all are haters. Santino rocks.

Melinda said...

I don't watch Project Runway, so when I got to the last cake, I thought, "Oh, I *hope* that's not Brad." I think looking at the cake would be enough to give me indigestion--I'm glad that I don't have to eat it.

I don't watch the ghost hunting shows, either, but I've seen enough commercials to laugh at the commentary (and smile at the Achmed reference.) As for that pig/cow/thing, all I can do is look at it and wonder, "WHY?"

Apparently any baker can put cake on the table; to put the table on the cake takes a REAL "artiste." ???

Jennifer said...

Bra, André's at Red Lobster with Tim Gunn!

ComfyDenim said...

This is one of my favorite posts EVER!! I nearly hurt myself laughing.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like someone watches a little too much Ghost Adventures... can't blame you, I actually recognized it.

Anonymous said...

That Santino cake takes the cake. Srsly. :D