Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Golden Wreckies

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Welcome back to the 2011 Golden Wreckies! I'm your host, Nicky Ganache, and for this segment I'll be talking about myself in the third person.

Nicky can hear you booing, everyone. Don't make Nicky get the hand puppets out again.

Okay, our next award is in the category of Best Supporting Role. And the nominees are:

"The Pastor's Podium"
in Falling Down


"The Flower Girl's Chiclets"
in The Abyss

and...

"A Hope and a Prayer"
in Beaches

And the award for Best Supporting Role goes to.... 'The Flower Girl's Chiclets!' Yes, brilliant. I loved them in JAWS.

Now on to our second category, the award for Best Writing in a Comedic Role. (I actually wrote a hilarious cake this year myself, but, surprise surprise, it's not "eligible." Yeah. They even used air quotes.)

Anyway, the nominees are:

"Cowboys Undeafted"

The story of a rowdy group of deaf football players who suddenly regain their hearing after the coach blows his whistle. Starring Will Ferrell.


"Maga Kum Latté"

The story of a group of rowdy sorority girls who work part-time at a coffee shop and fall in love with a nearby football team. Starring Will Ferrell.


"Happy Colleen"

The story of a rowdy teenager who explores life as a sheep-herder in the 1920s. Starring Will Ferrell.

And the award goes to... "Happy Colleen!" Although I still think my cake was better. Anyone want to see it, by the way? I happen to have it right here behind the podium... And, if I may say, it's bloody brilliant! ... No? ... You're missing out! ... You sure? ... Anybody?... FINE.

And finally, it's time for our last category of the evening. Because that's what "finally" means. Hah! See? I AM funny.

The nominees for Best Set Dressing are:


"Shower Horror"

The amount of ribbon on this cake will make your hair curl.


"Choking Hazard"

What it lacks in creativity, it makes up for with explosions and 3D effects.


"Hello Kitschy"

For once in his life, Nicky is actually speechless.


And the award goes to....why, Nicky Ganache! YES! I won! Haha! Suck it, Hollyweirds!!

Um...who are these big burly men coming on stage? What are you...HEY! PUT ME DOWN! And give me back my award! That's mine! MINE, I SAY!! BWAHAHAHAHAAA!!

[announcer] This has been the Golden Wreckies! Thank you for watching, and good night!

Nicky: [voice fading out] MIIIINE!!


I'd like to thank the Academy, Steve, Kathryn B., Deanne M., Karen B., James, Michael, Sandy B., Brenda J., God, my mother and father... [music swelling] Wait! I'm not finished! My dog Boopsy, my hairdresser Leon, that guy from Cheers...
BBQLou said...

Thank you for making me laugh every single day!!!! I love these wrecks!

Mary said...

Ahahahahaaha you are so darn funny!

Those cakes...I feel bad for the people who gets the cakes that fall over.

Ellen said...

Maga Kum Latte?

I don't want THAT in my coffee, thank you very much!

Could be worse -- could be raining. Oh, sorry, that's Young Frankenstein.

Let me try again. Could be worse -- the first word could have been spelled "magma." Or even . . .smegma . . .

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard, I choked on the piece of cheese I was eating, glad I wasn't drinking my coffee at the time! Maga Kum Latte!!!!!!!

Muria said...

The 8th cake is the fuzziest cake I've ever seen. How do you even find the cake under all that stuff???

It reminds me of when my son went to the ER on his sixth birthday. The nurses showered him with Happy Birthday stickers, because they finally had a use for them. That must be what's going on with the accessorized cakes. ("Finally, we can get rid of all that darned curling ribbon that the last bakery manager ordered by mistake.")

Fluffy Cow said...

The choking hazard cake actually made me gasp. But I have to say, the people in the background of the first cake are my favorite thing. Is he actually comforting her??? I really wish I could see their heads...

Download stuff for free said...

Funny :D thanks for giving a laugh for the day!

Evalis said...

Maga Kum Latte... this is one of those trick phrases to separate out the pure from the impure minds - i just know it. Kind of like that dolphin vase, if you've ever seen that.

On the other hand, that last cake is SO going to end up featured on the Hello Kitty Hell web site.

laughingmom said...

They might have just put barbed-wire around those last cakes -would have been just as effective!

Anonymous said...

Is it terrible that I actually like the "choking hazzard" Mickey and Minnie cake? I think I need my head checked :-/

Lorrie Munson said...

I was waiting and waiting but noooooooooooo. I never will know who won the last award.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Best Supporting Role...LOL! What is that...brown sugar for "sand"? It goes *in* baked goods, not *on* them! Ugh.

I read "Cowlioys".

Alex & James are in a Sorority? O.o Is it like a Bosom Buddies movie?
*Giggle* @ Ellen...I wouldn't want that in my coffee either!

All that's missing from "Shower Horror" are staircases. And 50 plastic pink baby carrot jockeys.

wv: graltion: Here's a celebratory cake for you..."Graltion Nicky!"

Donna said...

At least Colleen is happy...


wv: worearr - how a pirate says war

Ms. Blasé said...

I think that the "Choking Hazard" cake should be renamed the "Porcupine Cake."

Sandy C also in SoFla said...

OMG! If I went to an event and that first one was there, I would have to run outside to keep the wreckorator from hearing me laugh. Why is it sitting on a slanted, although low, lecturn??? Did they mean to offset the slant on the topsy-turvy? Then the cake should have been turned around.

That and the pink curly-ruffly mess are the aweful, worse than the rest.

You should receive an award for best commentary. You are the best part of my day, every day. Thank you!!

Stella said...

Just when you think it's okay to keep scrolling down. Thanks for the laughs.

Nancy McGill said...

On #2, did the wreckerator just jam some plastic columns in the bottom tier?

I'm just...speechless (and that doesn't happen often).

WV: Nesse; Even the Loch Nesse monster would cower at the sight of these monstrous wrecks.

CarynSKA said...

Uh... are those last three cakes even edible anymore? Is there even cake under all that junk?

BADKarma! said...

Re: Choking Hazard and Hello Kitschy... There WERE cakes under all that crap, right? O_o

WV - stall: Uh-oh, here comes the customer, and I still haven't sussed how to spell "undefeated"... Quick, Larry, go out there and stall!

airhead said...

For the "Cowboys undeafted" cake, if they were talking about the Dallas Cowboys this year, they had it about right. They were emissaries of the tower of babel as far as playing effectively (as in totally unable to do so).

Jeanette said...

Ha ha!!!! Hilarious!

mladybright said...

WONderful commentary! I want to see the cake behind the podium -- where is it???

First cake - I think they were going for a 'wreckplicator'. If the angle of the cake is anything normal, there's no way it could have ended that way had the wooden platform actually failed.

Second cake -- I'm still trying to figure out the hieroglyphics on the sides. What the ??

Totally spewed on Maga Kum Latte'. @Ellen - I thought the same thing about raining...

I think CW is getting to me -- the Mickey/Minnie fuzzy cake looks totally fabulous to me! A fantastic retro Philippine cake.

~~Di

wv - affear -- again, way too easy.

Susanna King said...

I like how the wreckerator went for authenticity on the "Beaches" cake. I think I can see discarded cigarettes in all that "sand."

NiteNurse said...

Excellent, excellent, EXCELLENT post! Kudos for the hilarious commentary Number 1. These "cakes" are truly memorable atrocities. I do think that the phrase Maga Kum Latte should be enshrined in the Wreckie lexicon.

I do agree with Fluffy Cow that the couple behind the first cake were rather fascinating. Not dressed in wedding clothes--so was this at a (their?) reception? I do love the gripped hands and her body language. Poor babies if it was theirs. The cake is resting on what looks like a wooden step stool from my hospital---high extra ICK factor

WV: aspocod. You guessed it! An unfortunate cake filling of asparagus and white fish.!

Anonymous said...

Obviously the first cake's decorator didn't do so well in high school physics, where everything happens on a frictionless plane. It's one thing to use a slanted platform, it's apparently too much though to get the angle right on the cakes so they balance out level in the end. Yikes.

I assume that Mickey/Minnie explosion was supposed to be a thing of beauty, given the lovely setting. Maybe the baker assumed that Disney does everything big, so the more stuff stuck in there, the better?

I don't really even see the cake under the heart picks with Hello Kitty on top--guess decorations are cheap when you're on a tight cake budget.

WV: watein--I'm just sittin' here a-watein for the good cakes... :-)

Sarah said...

Funny! That's pretty much all I can say.

Anne-Marie said...

That baby shower cake is truly a wreck, but my question is this: How many people attended that shower?!!!? That is a LOT of cake for a baby shower.

As always, Jen, you are FABULOUS! Wherever did you find the cakes in the last category? They are all horrendous.

colleenoz said...

Happy? I'm delirious! They named a cake after me and it won!!! :-)
Anyone else notice the big crack in the bottom layer of the chicklet cake?
I can't imagine trying to serve the over-picked cakes, by the time you pulled off all the inedible stuff to get to the actual cake, the guests would all be home and tucked up in bed...

Jecka said...

"Maga Cum Latte" = fantastic.

Ellen said...

Loo-E Loo-I said...
>> *Giggle* @ Ellen...I wouldn't want that in my coffee either!

All that's missing from "Shower Horror" are staircases. And 50 plastic pink baby carrot jockeys.<<

Glad to know I'm not the only dirty-minded one around here. :)

And I agree about the Shower Horror -- definitely needs staircases and jockeys.

Oh, and a plastic fountain to go with the staircases.

Colleen said...

MY name is Colleen....totally cracked me up!!!!!

lisadh said...

Totally, totally hilarious! Great commentary "Nicky". LOL!

That Mickey & Minnie cake is just one big fuzzball. Are you sure there's cake in there? Ha!

Awesome job!

Brenda Jo said...

I submitted the last two cakes and wanted to point out that the Mickey & Minnie cake has tons of tiny hearts glued to the curly ribbons! ha ha ha. It's an old Wilton's design that's no longer on their website. Wonder why?

Colleen said...

On behalf of myself and all the other Colleens out there.......we would like to thank the little people, our parents, and the other myriad of things that made us so Happy! Thanks for voting for us everybody!

Loo-E Loo-I said...

@Ellen,

Ooooooh I forgot about the fountain - with pink punch to match the pink ribbons!

X-D

"A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste." - Louise “Ouiser” Boudreaux, Steel Magnolias

wv: twivene: If a friend is too involved with the Twilight series, you need to hold a twivene (Twilight intervention).

Craig said...

#1 That has to be the most awkward way to hold hands yet devised. Maybe they're trying to restrain each other from taking out the photographer. "I SAID, no pictures! You think I want this disaster in our album?!" Frankly, it is difficult to see how it could have turned out better...

#2 Wreckerator: "Great -- didn't the air conditioning just have to pick today to go out. If you ask me, weddings should be in January, not June."

#3 The buckling on the bottom tier suggests fondant rather than frosting. I don't have anything against fondant, except when it comes to eating it.

#4 ...or a tragic love story of good icing penmanship and bad spelling.

#5 The Latin word is spelled with a 'c' (yep, *that* word is spelled exactly the same), but the wise decision was taken to use 'k' so as to enable people to breathe between bouts of laughter at the missing 'n'.

#6 Maybe they left off the comma and the question mark. 'Happy, Colleen?' Various song references keep suggesting themselves, but invariably prove to feature a sound-alike name. Maybe we can finally get through one day without an earworm.

#7 'Shower Horror' (cue 'Psycho' theme) does have bridges -- that is close enough to staircases. It just needs a pink grapefruit juice fountain to be 'perfect'. This puts a very literal spin on the phrase, 'child bride'.

#8 Wreckerator: "Do you have any ideas about your cake?"
Customer: "Yes, we want something Mickey Mouse."
Wreckerator: "You got it."

#9 "Kids, you really ought to wait. Sure, you both have jobs, but his paper route and your lemonade stand won't enable you to float a mortgage, even on the playhouse out back."

Pamela said...

I'm addicted to CWs. I just have to have my daily dose of lol and it delivers and Sunday Sweets gives me the ahhhhes. You guys should be so proud of yourselves, you're the best.

Feisty Irish Wench said...

My sister's name is Colleen and she was pleased to see someone thought of her today, although 6 weeks early for her birthday.

Kristen said...

If you look REALLY REALLY close at the shower horror cake you can see white bridges outlined with pink ribbon between the satellite cakes on each side lol

Anonymous said...

Okay, I went on Google to find out about "Maga Kum Latte", using Craig's comment.

And here's what I found, there's a catering company in Seattle called Magna Cüm Latté that specializes in gourmet espresso.

Perhaps Alex and James managed to acquire a job with the company?

RU said...

I giggled all the way through that. Very funny, and I needed a bit of humor today. Thanks!

I also checked out online the clips from the Graham Norton show about Cake Wrecks. I love it!!! I kept thinking, "Yay! Go Jen!"

Gina said...

Wow. Oh wow. Just... wow. Every once in a while I worry that I might make something that might end up on here, and then you go and post something like this that clears my worries away completely.

Anonymous said...

How is it that they managed to use such pretty writing AND spell 'congratulations' right, but so totally missed the mark on 'Maga Kum Latte'?

Unless of course, they were going for the whole "we're glad you made it through at least one year of higher education fuelled entirely by caffeinated drinks without too much embarrasement" much like my experience was...

This is one of my favourite wrecks, ever!

Rachel said...

Good god himself... who vomited up those wedding cakes at the end? The others are more examples of the train wreck of the phonetic spelling movement and lack of fondant.

IlluminatiSancti said...

Is it just me, or does "Cowboys Undeafted: The story of a rowdy group of deaf football players who suddenly regain their hearing after the coach blows his whistle." sound like it would make a HILARIOUS movie starring Will Ferrell.

Micalah said...

I don't get it- Maga Kum Latte? What?!?

Haha your funny! Thanks for making me laugh!

Anonymous said...

Those last two cakes-my eyes hurt O_o, decor overload.

Anonymous said...

I love how the first cake's board is even propped up on one side.. like the wreckerator couldn't figure out how to make the cake appear to be leaning so they just gave up and forced it to.. it's so funny but I feel so bad for the poor people that ended up with these pieces of "art"..

SLR said...

"Hello Kitschy" -- unreal. Where does one even go to GET THAT kind of cake?

Craig said...

Ah -- 'Shower Horror' is for a baby shower? So why does it look so wedding-ish?

I'll just leave it at that -- the obvious jokes sound too snarky.

wv: coning. "No one is coning me into doing another baby shower!"

Arlene said...

Oh how I love you guys! These wrecks even made my husband pause Mario Kart on the Wii to see why I was dying of laughter. Man what scary cakes.

Nona said...

Okay all of those were bad but the last 2 will all the STUFF on the cake OH MY! Thanks for the laughs

Juniper said...

The Mickey and Minnie cake looks like it's completely covered in that hairy white mould you get on food that's been left way too long. It would be a crime to leave a cake for long enough to get that mouldy...

Maga kum latte was hilarious but I can't even hazard a guess at what it was supposed to say.

pmohanian said...

Epic posting today. Also, I want to say the words "Nicky Ganache" out loud over and over again!

Ellen said...

Anonymous NiteNurse said...

>> I do think that the phrase Maga Kum Latte should be enshrined in the Wreckie lexicon. <<


I agree -- in fact, I think it's time for a new t-shirt!

wv - ovenex.

The ovenex-ploded when it saw how these wreckerators destroyed their products.

Anonymous said...

Whaaa? You're cake wasn't eligible? Hmmm NOT COOL!

jo said...

OMG Hilarious post today! I LOVE the crazy puns! (Hello Kitschy, Shower Hazard, etc.) Bravo! I'd give you an award for humor every day!

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

The good thing about the lat two is that at least you can't see the cakely horror underneath the "decorations...

Tinkerbell said...

To anyone still in the dark, the "maga kum latté" is supposed to be "magna cum laude". Close enough.

Meg said...

Number two down has to be one of the most depressing cakes I've ever seen...*tear*

hyphen8 said...

Great post! I laughed (Best Writing in a Comedic Role), I winced (Best Supporting Role), I stared in disbelief (Best Set Dressing)...

Does the winner of a Golden Wreckie get a bronzed carrot jockey?

"Hello Kitschy" would definitely be perfect for HKH.

As for the cake for Alex and James: I agree with those of you who wouldn't want *that* in your coffee, but it seems there's a recipe for cappuccino in the (Lulu) cookbook Natural Harvest. Supposedly the book is full of recipes using that particular protein-rich liquid; there may even be one for cake! Warning, major ick factor here - www.cookingwith___.com (blanked out for the benefit of the easily offended and/or grossed out, but those of you who want to know more can easily fill in the correct 3 letters).

Anna said...

I have been looking for a picture of the Wilton Micky and Minnie Mouse cake for 2 years! I did a cake that had that one for the inspiration, but I made it look good. BTW, the "sprays" took 3 days, if anyone is considering it, charge accordingly!