Friday, February 11, 2011

Countdown to V-day

Friday, February 11, 2011

With Valentine's Day coming up, you might be wondering what to get your significant other for the occasion. Other than roses, chocolates, and cheap stuffed animals, I mean. Because, obviously, those are required. [stern face]

Well, fortunately for you, bakeries still have lots of sweet, romantic options tailor-made to fit your snuggly bun's personality to a "t." Check it out:


For the co-dependent:

When your boyfriend starts crying, you'll know it's only because he's so happy.


For the stalker:

Quietly delivered when they least expect it.

*Hidden recorder that plays your personal greeting available for an additional charge.


For the hopeless romantic:

You see plastic frogs and crumbling icing.

She sees a chance to fix you.



For the one who wants something sexy:

With extra sprinkles for that really intimate experience.


For the Class Act:

A temporary tattoo for a permanent affectation. "Which doesn't need a permanent tattoo, baby, 'cuz your love is a tattoo on my heart. You feel me? My heart.

"Seriously, I'm not getting your name tattooed on my chest. So stop asking."


For the kid at heart:

Hey, it's only as disturbing as you let it be.

[...]

Which, in my case, is pretty darn disturbing.

[sing-song] "Who wants to suck the icing off Barbie's leeee-eeg?"

Yup. Disturbing.


Thanks to snuggly buns Lewis R., Madlyn, Kristie B., Dru Q., Sarah M., & Sherry G.
The Boob Nazi said...

Is the stalker one a lamb or a goat or neither?

Trevor said...

For the love of God Barbie, CLOSE YOUR LEGS!

OMG. That cake made my face hit the desk. ouch.

Sara said...

i have to say that barbie has come a long way since the 50's lmao

DD said...

Just to be clear (and not facetious) {not on your blog!} the Barbie 'cake' is a birthday cake. The plastic strawberry bits say feliz cumpleanos which translates, 'Happy Birthday'. Which doesn't make it any easier to look at. Unless you're a teenage boy?

ElizabethB said...

Where do you even GET an outfit like that for Barbie??!?!?

...Wait, nevermind. I don't want to know.

Anonymous said...

swhy does the stalker bear thing have testicles on the bottoms of his feet? am i the only one that sees it?? and the sexy barbie b-day cake-yikes!!!

Melody said...

I may have to throw out all my little girl's barbies. . .

Anonymous said...

note to self-do not check out CW while drinking morning coffee...off to find some paper towel to clean up my desk. The barbie cake is at fault here!

Barbara said...

That last one--disturbing in itself, it "serves", what 15 people????

Barbara said...

The strangely aggressive come-hither ccc with what are those between its ah, legs? Hmmm, swirly-iced suggestively places, ah spheres?

Donna said...

I always knew Barbie was a ho

Amy said...

The Barbie cake. Oh, dear holy personage of your choosing, why would you let someone do that to a poor, innocent Barbie . . . in that outfit? In that harlot-y see-through outfit? With matching fire engine red panties?
Wow, Barbie's sort of a tramp. Maybe she should be jumping out of the cake as opposed to sitting on it.

Anonymous said...

No, Barbie hasn't come that far since the 1950s. She was modeled after Bild Lilli, a German cartoon girl (it was an adult-oriented op-ed cartoon), and the dolls were originally sold as an adult novelty.

Still a squicky cake, though.

And still trying to figure out what that drippy orange thing with frogs is supposed to be.

Danger Boy said...

Is that a Barbie, or is it an actual shot of Paris Hilton? I mean, it looks familiar somehow...let me take a look at it in night vision and I'll let you know. :)

kimberj said...

Does the Barbie Cake say "Feliz Coupling"???? As in: Happy Effing??? It also looks like the heart between her legs says "Never". She looks like the Lara Croft doll from the movie "Grandma's Boy". If you've never seen it, you need to. Funniest Stoner Flick EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boob Nazi... Didn't know you were a Cake Wreckie too! Love you blog too :)

Count Mockula said...

Yes, the Barbie is creepy. But doesn't it also rather look like she's on a bed of rice drizzled with soy sauce and dotted with cherry tomatoes?

Shannon said...

That Barbie is asking for trouble! LOL Thanks for the laugh today!!

Fool in a Tree said...

I expect all Valentine's Day gifts to follow this mantra....

Beast: I want to do something for her... but what?

Cogsworth: Well, there's the usual things: flowers... chocolates... promises you don't intend to keep...

Dani said...

I was just going to go with some red underware I got at Target but maybe cake would be better.

Sandy C also in SoFla said...

What IS that 3rd cake supposed to be... a pool of blood with frogs?

Oh, and about the bear-yes, I saw that, too.

And the first thing I thought of when I saw the Barbie cake was is she pregnant?- she looks like she's ready to push.. Then I realized she's not and reailzed she actually ready to.. well, the CAKE is ready to ... (can't bring myself to say it here)

This is disturbing and glad my daughter is well past that age.

Stella said...

'It's only disturbing as you want it to be?' WOW, that statement is as loaded as Barbie posing on that cake.

Anonymous said...

I shouldn't be surprised anymore. I shouldn't. But I always am.

Never underestimate a wreckerator.

--kate

P.S. Please let that Barbie "Feliz Cumpleanos" cake be a humorous, if dirty, present for a 21-year-old male, and not something for an innocent child. Please.

Anonymous said...

Barbie Porn Cake! It's about time.

WV: rizesup (not kidding)

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. You don't suppose the panties are made of fondant or anything, do you?

Anonymous said...

The sprinkles on the "sexy" cake made me think of some strange venereal disease.

I think I had an outfit like that for my Barbie (back in the day) but only Ken ever got to see her in it, not the whole world.

Allison said...

That's a whole new take on the Barbie Cake. I have to say I prefer the cake-and-icing dress to the see-through negligee.

Also, she looks like she's in birthing position...

Anissa said...

Well technically that's not Barbie, just a cheap knock-off and I think the "heart" says Mark so I'm really hoping it's a man's joke b-day cake...

Ellen said...

Ah, "the old ball and chain" illustrated in icing. Classy.

And, other than the "boom-chicka-wow-wow" music starting instantly in my head, the Barbie cake inspired the following:

1. I tried to see whose birthday is was, by looking at the heart pic between her legs (now there's a strange sentence!). It really looks like it might say . . . Mama.

No, please no!

2. The brownish stuff on the icing creates the feeling that she is on a rumpled, stained sheet.

Ew.

3. Cherries? As in losing one's?

Really, now.

That cake just gets more and more disturbing, the more one looks.

wv - quessi

I feel a bit quessi looking at that cake.

Or perhaps:

Barbie's younger fwiend, quessi, must be pwotected from seeing this, or her gwow-able hair will fall wight out!

Catstina said...

Barbie looks like she's giving birth or something. What does that cake mean?

WV:midedleg-how frostbite victims refer to their appendages.

Sarah said...

Am I the only one who can't figure out what the ball and chain is connected to?
Also wondering about the orange frosting coupled with...frogs?
The Barbie? Oh Mylanta, there are no words....

kingshearte said...

I'm not sure what this says about me, but the main thing I'm wondering about that Barbie cake is: how do you even get her legs to spread like that?

As I recall, Barbie's hip joints were not exactly proper ball-and-socket like real people, and could really only move forwards and backwards. So did her legs have get broken to pose like this, or what? Because that just adds a whole other layer of disturbing to that already intensely disturbing cake.

Catherine said...

The Barbie cake looks likes it says, "Feliz Cumpleanos, Mama" which here in our parts means Happy Birthday, Mom. Ewww.....

Jennifer said...

The Barbie one is awesome! I'm a Pampered Chef consultant, and we recommend using our large batter bowl to make a Barbie (or princess or wedding or whatever!) doll cake, as the bowls are oven safe. My personal routine includes: "So, after the cake has cooled off and you've inverted it, take a clean Barbie and wrap her legs in plastic wrap, then insert her into the cake up to her waist and decorate! Does anyone know why we wrap Barbie's legs in plastic first?" Lots of answers are called out. I reply (either confirming or giving the correct answer) "Because its terribly uncomfortable to get frosting UP THERE" (pause for a moment, then lean forward and whisper) "Trust me"

Thanks for the daily laughs!

Candace said...

My hand flew to my face in shock at the Barbie cake. Oh. My. Gosh. Not only can you kinda see her boobs through the mesh top, but the open legs and splotchy patches of brown color on the frosting kinda makes me think she had an "accident."

*shivers of disgust*

I also loved the hopeless romantic cake and comment, "She wants to fix you" lol. Sadly I have more than one friend who probably wouldn't get that... (ie... cuz that's what they do.)

Awesome post! I can't do without my daily wreckage. :)

Dippy's Mom said...

I'm going to have to have the image of that Barbie burned out of my brain. I'll send you the bill. **shudder**

No Cake Fo' You! said...

Seriously, what have they done to barbie, I was uncomfortable looking at it. *snicking @ shuddering* who is gonna lick the icing of Barbie's leg. Barbies gone bananas!!!!

Have a great weekend CW's

protojew62 said...

I thought the Barbie cake had something to do with giving birth, from her positioning...til I read the greetings in Spanish..O Dear G~d No!!!!!
Barbie IS a 'ho! Sad, really....

dorothywillis said...

Tearing out attention from the Barbie cake, did you mean "affectations" in the comment on the tattoo cake and I am missing something here, or should it be "affections"? Just asking.

Joy said...

I think the thing that disturbs me the most is that Barbie's boobs are naked under her little "whatever-that-seethrough-thing-is."

And nothing says Valentine's Day like frogs on an orange blob. ...

Gina said...

OK, the Barbie one... grossest cake ever. So, so, so inappropriate! (in a hilarious way, of course!)

Chad said...

The cake that Barbie is on looks like a Tres Leches cake. But it looks like it could be a cuatro leches cake at any moment! BOOYAH!

Christine said...

If Ken dolls are still made the way I recall, Nympho-Barbie is about to be fearfully diappointed

Jason said...

You know, I doubt anything I see on CW can ever truly traumatize me again after the gelatin baby shower cake...

And for some reason that Barbie cake looked like she was on a polar bear rug to me... Also, the ball and chain cake wreckerator needs a lesson in either anatomy, color blending, frosting art or all three because that "ankle" doesn't even remotely resemble one.

reneek said...

WV: Alial. "Barbie, put your legs together! Your alial is showing!"

Jenn said...

Barbie looks like she is about to give birth on that cake. ummm..yuk!

Mags said...

I knew that Brbie wasn't faithful to Ken!!

Katy said...

Barbie just gives a whole new meaning to a countdown to "V-D" doesn't she? Wow. I wonder if Ken knows?

sarah said...

*staring in confusion*

[...]

*notice ball & chain*

ooooh, it's a FOOT!

that's better.

T said...

The only thing worse than viewing the Barbie Porn cake is reading some of the comments regarding it... now I need to go scrub my eyeballs AND my brain.

Anonymous said...

From Lee Anne: Is the Barbie cake a cake or perhaps a vat of rice pudding? I can't tell from the photo but the brown smudges could be cinnamon and, in that case, the cherries would make sense. (Although, in a sick way, the cherries still makes sense, ugh!). Way to strange for me, regardless.

DidoCarthage said...

kingshearte @ 11:02 - Yes! My first thought when I saw the Barbie cake was the same - Barbie legs don't move that way!

My second thought was - her nipples are painted red?

Ay-yi-yi!

Heather said...

Barbie looks likes she's in labor! And... push... 1, 2, 3, 4 5...

Mary said...

That barbie one is just wrong.

Jill R said...

I think Come Hither Barbie is actually sitting on rice pudding. Which is significant. And creepy.

Barbara said...

Nothing says I love you like a severed foot. I think the boyfriend's crying because he just had his foot chopped off so he can't get away.

That lamb is just creepy. It has crazy eyes. I guess this would be the cake that a stalker gets the one he's stalking.

I'm not sure what's going on with the frogs. The orange is just odd.

Oh yes the sprinkles on a cookie with icing just adds that sexy touch.

I guess Bimbo Barbie plans on giving someone a naughty birthday treat. Hopefully it won't be Ken since I'm sure she'll be disappointed.

The Restaurant Manager said...

Love that 1st cake!

Shannon said...

I'm wondering how long before that Barbie cake becomes the new baby shower cake craze.

Joy said...

I only wish there were a way I could make that Barbie cake my background on my Blackberry.

Alison said...

Oh, my. There's a joke in there somewhere about Barbie and being knock-off, I think. Except I can't quite find it.

...and if I squint hard, I think the name heart might say Mario? I'll pretend that's it, anyway. Would rather it be Mario than Mama....

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... maybe Labor Day Barbie could serve as a warning to any hormonal young person as to the potential consequences of... oh, never mind. Ew.

Vicki said...

Happy Valentines to you two !!! hilarious cakes/posts... especially the Barbie one.

April@ Natural Nester said...

The first cake, the Together Forever one? It just makes me think of some terrible horror movie where the captive has to saw off his own foot to escape. Now THAT says love.

winsomebulldog said...

The creepy centerfold Barbie one made me kinda nauseous. It's just wrong on SO many levels!

Kimberlee said...

Oh the barbie is scary and flashes me back to age 3 and a cake with barbie in the middle and a snapshot forever haunting of me licking the icing off a naked barbie. I remember how uncomfortable I was doing it - fearful it would mean I was gay... Well, thanks mom - you made me lick frosting off barbie so don't complain when I bring my girlfriends to holidays anymore.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

O.o


I see a cursive "More" on the heart between Barbie's legs.

wv: broide: [in New Joiyzee accent:] Boy, honeymoon Bahbee is won hot broide!

Craig said...

#1 Meh.

#2 What is that even supposed to be?! I thought the creepy lambs were an Easter thing. Rushing the holidays might be the fashion these days, but this is really pushing it.

#3 Not sure which is worse; frogs happy about living in toxic waste or the fact that the containment pond has been breached.

#4 See #1.

#5 Is the 'Always' heart sit -- er, *resting* on tongues? What does the winged star say, and what does same have to do with the subject? Should the word 'temporary' have anything to do with Valentine's day?

#6 Barbie, Barbie, Barbie. Have you not figured out Ken's 'secret' yet? In his latest incarnation (the subject of a CNN story, I kid you not), he's wearing eyeliner and his lips are pinker than yours. You're wasting your time, girl.

Looks like the heart (the one between the calves, not *that* one) says, 'Mous'. Not sure what it means, but it's slightly less creepy than some other theories.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Oh geez, I just posted and the wv that comes up is...

enopenop. Barbie, how do your get your legs to enopenop like that?!

kimbalaya said...

Jennifer @ 11:15 a.m. - Best.Comment.EVER!

Jen Marie said...

What makes the Barbie one worse is it looks like the hearts say happy birthday in spanish...

*sigh* i wish my mom got that cake for me.

kayk said...

The sheep has bear feet. (It must be freezing, then!)

Katie said...

I think the name on the heart between Barbie's legs is Mario.

bassgirl said...

The "sexy" cookie looks like it is suffering from a maggot infestation!

PJ said...

Maybe the Barbie Cake is a "Birth"day cake and she is laboring under the assumption that the sexy negligee makes childbirth more fun. Breathe.... breathe.... PUSH!!!!!!!!!!

Tricia L said...

Uh, Jen? The Mattel people are on line one. They would like to talk with you about trademark infringement.

Anonymous said...

-whimpers- Gives new meaning to the song lyrics "Come on Barbie, lets go party"

Mindy said...

What's funny is that the barbie cake says HAPPY BIRTHDAY in spanish. What kind of a Birthday cake is that?????

Herouth said...

So Mattel came up with "Slutty Barbie"? In the packaging you also get miniature pink fur handcuffs and a pearl, um, necklace? And how about the matching "Pimp Ken"? He's on the next cake beating up the John that caused the bed to look like that.

I tell you, kids these days.

Anonymous said...

Is Barbie's pose supposed to be sexy?? She looks like she's preparing to give birth!

bassgirl said...

After all these weeks, I just realized what the wv comments mean...the word verication, as interpreted by our linguists here on CakeWrecks. I feel so "in" now!

wv: holpdis I "holpdis" post will help to enlighten other clueless folks like myself!

Pilgrim said...

I have to schedule an extra session of therapy to get the picture out of my head of Harlot Barbie Cake. Thanks a bunch... I'm sending you my therapy & electro-shock bill at the end of the month ;-P

wv:hipswel=what Barbie's hips are gonna do once she's withchild after V-Day.

Anonymous said...

That Barbie one looks like she is scooting her butt across the carpet like a dog trying to scratch a butt full of worms. EWWW! Barbie has worms!

Dee said...

Looks like Barbie is wearing edible undies, and are those cherries intentional? *shudder**

Anonymous said...

That third one looks like a minature replica of a Jello waterfall.

AquilaLorelei said...

Sara @ 9:34 A.M. -- Barbie (US version) was actually based on a hooker doll from Europe, so as for coming far since the 1950's, well...
And sure it's a birthday cake, but does that one heart between her ankles say "Mom"? Even. Greater. Awkwardness...
I, incidentally thought the stalker cake is some sort of bear...type...thing??

WV: stned I'm frankly stned that any bakers in the history of ever think ANY of these Wrecks were EVER a good idea! Yeesh!

Anonymous said...

Ball 'n' Chain: Yes, BF is crying *with glee*

Frogs: I don't think there is actually any cake in that thing...it looks like a toxic waste dump, with glitter!

Barbie: I can read the heart that says "Feliz", and the one that looks like it starts out as "Cumpleanos" but is wreck-ified towards the end and jumbled together. I, too, was unable to decifer the word on the heart between Barbie's legs (!), but I am really hoping....You know, I'm not sure which is better; if that heart says "Mama" or "Mark". Please don't be "Nina" (with the ~ over the n = little girl)!!!

Andrea

Anonymous said...

From what I can tell the Barbie cake says "Feliz Cumpleanos Mama". I am thinking that this cake was from a husband to a wife..some men call their wives 'mama', and I'm sure he meant it as a sexy gesture..unfortunately it missed the target by about 50 thousand miles.

Marie said...

I will never look at a Barbie the same way. Thank you to the baker who just destroyed the rest of my childhood.

Anonymous said...

Barbie's spread-eagled out on a blood-stained white chenile bedspread with surrounded by metaphorical "cherries." Perfect for every young girl.

Anonymous said...

The lamb cake is really, really creeping me out! The eyes follow you!!!!!! Thanks again Jen!

Anonymous said...

Cake # 1: SCORE!! A zombie cake for V Day! WOOT [urgent whispering] (what do you mean it wasn’t a zombie that ate the rest of him…it’s just a bad decorating job? BUMMER, I wanted a zombie cake!!)

Cake # 2: at least this evil, demonic lamb isn’t smoking a cigar.

Cake # 3: ……. I got nuthin’. Srsly. Frogs and orange icing by the pound?

Cake #4: I blame this on Justin Timberlake.

Cake #5: notice the absence of the phrase “non-toxic” on that tattoo note?? I did.

Cake #6: J, J & #1- hope your attorney’s on speed dial cause Mattel is gonna SUE! Bordello Barbie? I don’t think so.

-Barbara Anne

mumple said...

While ignoring the whole Barbie ain't wearing a bra to match those hot red panties...I wonder what are the cherries supposed to suggest?

MissNay said...

This is rough. As if VD isn't bad enough.

Amanda said...

Um...

Kath said...

Barbie, oh Barbie.....really? ....sigh. The only thing missing from this cake is one of the little plastic babies from a Mardi Gras King Cake...Happy Birthday Mama, you have a grandchild.

Mercy D'souza said...

The barbie cake must be for a batchelor's birthday. They couldn't afford a stripper so got him a doll instead.

wv: phini - Barbie is waiting for some phini.

Oh God, that sounds awful. I think I'm still tired...all I can think of are sex-related jokes. And it's only 10 a.m. (and I'm only drinking coffee).

mladybright said...

I can only say that it's a good thing my hubby doesn't go to stores for his valentine's cake. I make it for him, and he loves it.

Scary what's out there...

!!Di

Arlene said...

Woah to that last cake. I will never look at barbie the same way again. Why must wreckerators destroy childhood toys? Are they not content destroying cakes? Lol definitely get these if you don't want a Valentine.

sungyim said...

Wow, that last one is going to haunt my dreams. Makes me hear the Valley of the Dolls theme. Goootta get off... Goootta get off of this...meeerry-go-round...

Craig said...

Mario & Barbie? Does Peach know? Dolls these days have a more active love life than some real people.

That wreck hearkens back to another Barbie-in-bed 'cake' with a strawberry theme (the one that many mistook for a blanket made of lunch meat). Maybe she's a strawberry blond. (Ba-dup-dup!)Actually, I think this was inspired by the remake of 'Valley of the Dolls'. I'll stop now.

I would like to suggest that someone open a therapy center across the street from the EPCOT bunker. You know, where we can get rid of mental images of dolls in compromising positions. And babies in melting Jell-o. And babies made of meatloaf. Among others.

ttv said...

Great designs. and that's so yummy.

escalante blogger said...

Perhaps there's a big party which I love to attend too. :-)

Pauline said...

These cakes are just another reminder about why I don't celebrate Valentine's day.

Anonymous said...

oh good lord! is Negligee Barbie giving birth in a pan of rice???

Lewis R. said...

my submission finally made it! (:

Leigha said...

So it seems only one other person has mentioned it, but it kind of looks like Barbie is sitting on rice. Why?

And as for the people mentioning that Barbie's legs don't move that way, well, I was going to say they have ones know that do, but when I went and looked at it again, I realized this is not one of those. So. I prefer not to think how they got her that way.

sindoe said...

I like the last cake :)

joincoffee said...

the Barbie is creepy :))

Anonymous said...

Why does Barbie look like she's about to get a pap smear?

Anonymous said...

Uh, has Barbie been having some colon-rectal problems and rolling around in her own filth?

Служба по трудова медицина said...

SUPER!

Anonymous said...

Whoever thought that last cake was a good idea should be shoot in the face with a water pistol filled with whipped cream.

Seriously, that's just WRONG.

Anonymous said...

Does Barbie have an itch? It looks like what happens when my dog is dragging her butt all over the carpet. Seriously.