Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Pastry Gags

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

If you've read this blog for any length of time, then you may be under the impression that only cakes can be royally wrecked. Well, in honor of National Pastry Day (which was last Thursday [so obviously it's not that honor-full]) I've decided to disabuse you of that unfairly cakist notion. Right after I go see if "cakist" is a word.

[Googling]

No, no it isn't. But "googling" is. Go fig.

[shrug] Ok, on to the pastry!

Remember those gingerbread "men" horrors I featured last week? Well, it could be worse. Meet the regular bread man:

"Yes, I know the muffin man. That dude is CRAZY."


1 out of 4 Spider-Mans agree: these chocolate cupcakes are "da bomb!"

The purple flower is what really sells it.


I can't say I understand what's going on with these cream horns:

Um...

...but I'm not sure putting smiley faces on them would help:

Um... Ew.


Speaking of which, nothing says, "Yum!" like a gummie worm crawling out of a ball of chocolate poo:

Am I right?


And a few personal favorites:

Yes, I know they're croquembouches. What I *don't* know is how to pronounce it. Or why Sister Mary Leia there and her fellow patron saints of sports are armed with swords. [head tilt] Huh.


Packed with pistachio, these chocolate dipped knuckle sandwiches really satisfy!



And speaking of chocolate, here's a tip:

When it comes to "Bon Bon's," aim high.

And lean to the right.


Still, nothing gets a rise out of a paying customer quite like a...a...

Peep with a goatee? Maybe?


April K., Danielle B., Malisa I., Margie J., Amy N., Amanda W., Yunn C., Eva M., Malin R., no matter how you slice it, something here definitely went a rye. When you knead your Peeps toasty, that's gonna cost a lotta dough!

---------------------------------

CCC Day #3:


Love146 has one simple, compelling, gut-wrenching goal: "The abolition of child sex slavery and exploitation. Nothing less."

Click here to donate a dollar via FirstGiving.
Trevor said...

I think maybe the last one is trying to be a puff pastry type swan? Maybe? Okay, look, it's the best I can do. But OMG, I LOVE some of these pics. Way too funny. Thanks for the laugh. Now time to go off and donate!

Rhonda said...

that bread man is certainly a bread "woman"!! Totally curvy with elephantiasis of the arms.

On to add my dollar!

peg said...

those Bon Bons just killed it for me! Cringeworthy!
WV>boant-those bugs in the canoe

Christian Johnson said...

Huh. Could've sworn the bread man was dried squid. But I live in HK, almost in the dried fish district -- it's what I'm used to seeing. I would only hope that this smells a bit better than that....

Danger Boy said...

I think the "regular bread man" is actually something seen in some TSA security video...

Gary said...

#1 looks like an octopus, and #3 looks like those "novelties" sold in truck-stop restroom vending machines.

dawn said...

I had a croquembouche wedding cake. We could have used a sword. Those puff pastries are stuck together with hardened caramelized sugar, and then more of the sugar is drizzled over the completed pastry tower. Difficult to take apart. Our guests had to be patient, but really appreciated what one called our "Timbit cake".

Jim Todd said...

Jen, if "cakist" wasn't a word before, it is now! :)

Casey said...

Oh, I'm glad you picked this organization again--I remember reading about them here last year and am so impressed with the work they do. Awesome!

Donna M. said...

I would serve those bon bons at a bachelorette party *eg*

The first time I heard somebody say croquembouche, I thought they said "Croak in a bush".

Joanna said...

Sister Mary Leia = awesomeness.

Jabby said...

Aaaaiii! That regular bread man looks like something out of Silent Hill!!

Wild Cakes said...

I'm surprised you didn't include this guy's bread-art!

inventorspot.com/articles/body_bread_13546

(too gory maybe?)

Sandy also in SoFla said...

OMG! I laughed so hard I had tears!. thank you, thank you, thank you.. I thought the bread shaped like an aligator at Publix was bad. These are aweful.

Anonymous said...

Croquembouche is pronounced like CRO-kam-boosh.

Jenny Allworthy said...

Dawn, your Canadian roots are showing! The Americans will now have to venture north to sample our regional delicacy at the many Tim Hortons of Canada. I now have a hankering for a Timbit and a double double!

Fluffy Cow said...

I totally want a Sister Mary Leia.

Jen said...

@ Wild Cakes - yes, definitely too gory for this time of the morning. Or any time. ;)

We still get it submitted at least a few times a week, though. [shudder] [twitch]

Amy said...

Why does any wreckawrator think adding poo will make it better?? Fools!
And its pronounced CREM BOO SHAY hope that helps!

Janet said...

Thanks for the laughs. Those are pretty terrific wrecks.

deb in atlanta said...

"Whoa. Sandworms."--Beetlejuice

Those are some scary eclairs.

Frenchgril said...

I didn't even know what "croquembouche" (literally "cracks in your mouth") were until this post and I realised they are what (we) French people call "choux".This are "pièces montées",traditional Frech wedding cakes and here catholic "communion" cakes(when you are a teen and you finally enter the big catholic family beeing allowed to get the host),they are probably a mix of religion and the kids favorite sports^^

Michelle said...

The last one really should be a chicken. Because when you see it, it's adorable. (The piece in the center is the crown, the lower triangle is the beak - he just has a body shaped like a bedroom slipper.) :)

Anonymous said...

That breadman seems to be Kogepan's evil, demented cousin! 0__0

- Gyp

mladybright said...

Ok, now the guy fixing my front hall floor thinks I'm crazy. I should know better than to pull up CW when there are people around.

Total laughing out loud bursts that shake the walls are apparently not what he hears when he is working most days.

I'm just lucky I swallowed my chocolate pudding before seeing the bonbons and Sister Mary Leia.

Totally awesome comments, as usual.

Keep 'em coming, cake, bread, WHATever you find.
~~Di

Loo-E Loo-I said...

#1: It's definitely "manly". Ahem.

#2: There's a couple things here. First, notice that these are from the delicatessen, NOT the bakery dept. Delis where I come from sell meat and certain side dishes. Second, notice the swirly bit of frosting at the tippy top of the web. Looks like Spidey had some extra and had trouble getting off his web-slinger.

#3 & 4: ROTF! Those are just wrong, wrong, wrong!

#5: No, you are not right. Ewwww. ;-D

#6: Those aren't swords, they're "life savers"

#7: Look! Corn!

#8: X-D So bon-bons are what they are called now?!

#9: You'd better be nice, that peep looks mean!

wv: chacapan: What Chaka Khan cooks with.

Aliza said...

@Dawn, now I've got a Timbit craving. Gee, thanks!(For non-Canadians: Tim Hortons is the main chain of doughnut shops here in Canada. To say Canadians are fans would be an understatement. Timbits are their version of doughnut holes).

The first one could be an alien-- or it could be what happens to The Situation when he gets old and doughy! (ref to the cake from the other day)

#3... I think that squirt of icing should be on the tip, no?

#5 yup, works coming out of my food. that spells appetizing

Sister Mary Leia... good one! And it's CROW-kum-boosh. Or Epcot-to-be!

The knuckles don't look so bad. Then again, they're chocolate covered. So by definition yummy ;)

Susan Willis said...

The stripey pastries look like dismembered zebra legs. They even have hooves. How disturbing!

BADKarma! said...

Are you certain that first one is not, in fact, a "bread miscarried deformed fetus"? I'm just sayin'...

Mary Connealy said...

You Googled cakist

I googled croquembouches

A croquembouches looks like a stack of those mini frozen cream puffs, which are delicious btw.

Garnishing with a warrior angel, or whatever, wouldn't deprive me of the deliciousness of a mini cream puff.

Dylan Roy said...

Wow. I think the last one is a failed attempt at a baby Digimon in one of those Primary Village cradle things.
Yeah... I just brought THAT reference. I don't suppose anyone else knows that one.
That's really the only thing I cab see it being, though. Because it'd be an even crappier attempt at anything else.

Caroline B said...

Oh blimey, could this be a double Epcot? I think we know how crokeybush is pronounced after the last time...
I'd like some of those chocolate knuckle thingies, they look yummy!

Mary Connealy said...

I went to the Inventor Spot gory body parts bread.

I believe I have now seen everything.

Must have brain surgery to remove the images.

Renny said...

Croakemboosh.

Hope that helps. Although, nothing could help that thing.

Also, I am a flat broke law student DEEP in student loan debt so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop picking charities with goals I care so much about.

Maybe tomorrow can be the "Donate to Donald Trump" foundation or something? That would be helpful. Thanks.

(No, but seriously, these organizations are awesome, thanks for reminding everyone to give back!)

ladycrim said...

I've seen a bread snowman that was actually pretty cute. But that bread blob there is terrifying.

Mary Connealy said...

How to Pronounce French Words...a rule of thumb.

Leave out half the letters altogether and slur the rest and you'll be close. Say it fast and no one will notice ... unless they're French maybe.

ok2bwicked said...

Bread man looks like ET to me

Tucsonjill said...

I keep going back to laugh at the orange-smiley-eclaire-worms--they're so hysterically awful!

Off to donate!

Jess said...

I think that the Chocolate bombs are Smurf houses. The one with the purple flower is Smurfettes.

Anonymous said...

Sister Mary Leia = Jedis for Jesus? ;-)

AliB said...

I think Sister Mary Leia is suppose to be Joan of Arc - warrior maiden saint. French cake to celebrate French saint?

Anonymous said...

@ Mary Connealy:
Or, if you're in the presence of a French person, start saying it but speak very slowly, and they'll usually get fed up and tell you, lol.
Ah, the joys of being English in New Brunswick!

Anonymous said...

coucou!!
I'm french and i think very funny the croquembouches you presented : in my country, only bakers say croquembouche (it' very upper class!!!) let's say "pièce montée" it's the same thing (and easier to say perhaps???).
Félicitations for your blog, I enjoy the wrecks every day!!!
Céline

Hungarican Chick said...

It's pronounced "Croak-on-booshe"

Kimberly Chapman said...

Okay I know you post lots of choco-poop pics, but seriously, that one with the worm is the most actually-poo-like ever. I've seen gross stuff here, but that one was the first to truly turn my stomach. I should have known better than to read while eating a brownie.

Egads. Someone should slap that baker.

Scarlett Robyn said...

what is #4???? (below the icing) IT LOOKS LIKE A JACKET POTATO!!!!

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

The name for those "Croquenbouche" cakes, here, are St. Honoré cakes named for St. Honoré (or Saint Honoratus), the patron saint of bakers.

St. Honoré cakes, unlike the Croquenbouche, aren't drizzled with caramelized. The ones I have had are a sponge cake, layered with lemon curd. On top of the cake, a layer of cherry filling is covered with a generous pile of whipped cream and bite-sized creampuffs and drizzled with chocolate. I used to have it every birthday for many years.

Croquenbouche is pronounced Crock ehn booch (you roll the r in crock and the "en" is sort of a nasally "on" sound with the n being silent). I'm not sure why some people spell it Croquembouche.

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Oh... and Croquenbouche means "crunch in the mouth" in French.

Ted C said...

I knew I would see a comment from someone on how to pronounce that word. I saw at least two and they were both different. To funny.

Mary said...

Those are great! Peep bread, who would have thought. Lean to the right....ahahahahaha

Donna said...

OMG!!! I spit my coffee everywhere with the chocolate "bon-bons"!! Wow!! Thanks for the never-ending chuckles - I look forward to the day's "Cake Wrecks"
Thanks!!! Donna

Christine said...

The bread man reminds me of the thing the fawn told Ophelia put under bed in Pan's Labyrinth!eeeeeew!

Karen said...

Just a tiny bone to pick... It's "bon bons," NOT "bon bon's." Still luv ya!

Emily said...

The chocolate bomb cupcakes look like the houses that the Smurfs used to live in....in chocolate land. You can't tell me you don't see giant mushroom houses. :)

Pilgrim said...

Are we supposed to say prayers to Sister Mary Leia? Is she Jesus's real mother?


BTW, a really great organization for children and amazing people that help others, these people are INCREDIBLE:
http://www.joycemeyer.org/OurMinistries/HandofHope/default.htm

Anne said...

The bread man looks like a bread Ood.

Anonymous said...

That actually made me ridiculously hungry!

-Jessica

Claire said...

Love146 is an amazing charity doing awesome work! Thanks for featuring them!

Marisa said...

Haha! The bread man in the first photo is called a grittibaenz. it's a swiss tradition for the children to make them on december 6th. I learned all about them when I had to make 100 of them (plus 4 2 1/2') at work a few weeks ago.

AlisonH said...

The Swedish tradition of St Lucia, St Lucia's day being 12/13, and she's holding a candle, I think.

Joe said...

What I don't understand about the croquembouches is what sport the front one is a patron saint of. The back two are clearly a soccer ball and football but the front one looks like a pair of ballerina slippers. Or maybe an animated Disney mouse. How this goes with the other two is beyond me. I'm confused. I nearly lost it on the Gummi worm one. Especially since those look like bagels. I love your site, Jen. Keep up the good work.

Bree said...

"Or why Sister Mary Leia there and her fellow patron saints of sports are armed with swords." Fantastic line :D

Although, I'd guess those are light sabers and not swords (not that makes any more sense of what's going on there...)

Ed said...

Thanks so much for bringing attention to Love146! You folks ROCK! ABOLITION!

Tricia L said...

Grammar Police here: "Chocolate Bomb" should be "Chocolate Bombe". "Bon Bon's" should be "Bon Bons".

The knuckle thingies, is that raisin on the top suppose to make it into a candle? Really?

And just how do you take a photo of the "Bon Bon's" without breaking out in hysterical laughter while doing so.

However, my biggest laugh today was at Dawn's comment about the Timbits wedding cake. For those south of the northern US, think a pile of doughnut holes drizzled in spun sugar. Priceless.

Carol said...

If they had made the sprinkles blue on the smiley face cream horns they would have looked like Marge Simpson!

Brandi said...

Thank you for supporting and promoting Love 146!!

Becky said...

Do you mean to tell me that Cake Wrecks is not celebrating December 15th properly, as National Cupcake Day!?
What is WRONG with the world...

Also, Regular Bread Man must live by the nuclear plant at the end of Drury Lane, because that does not look normal.

Anonymous said...

They have Tim Horton's in New York also. Don't know if they have the same things though. That blog was hilarious! I choked on my gum and had my daughter worried for a bit, but it was worth it. No more gum chewing while reading your blog. lol-Brook

cheryl said...

I'm thinking the pistachio filled knuckle sandwiches are actually piles of dog poo that have just been lit on fire. Now all the baker needs are some paper bags and some front porches and they will be in business!

Cakelady72 said...

croakumbush. that's how you say it. And the bonbons are just wrong.

Sarah Jane Stoddard said...

The first image reminded me of Thai artist Kittiwat Unarrom who makes bread that deliberately looks like mangled body part and are completely edible! They're awesome in their grossness. You can see some of his work here: http://www.coolhunting.com/culture/kittiwat-unarro.php

Chonte' said...

crow-com-boo-shhhh

Kathleen said...

By the way, to day is National Cupcake Day so I would expect something posted next week to honor it. (And please don't ask how I know it's Cupcake Day.)

jillb-ilslp said...

Regarding "croquet 'em, Bushes" (maybe it's a political game???)

Although through the word "pronounce" you thoughtfully provided a hot link to a prior post from last year, in a different text color and bold font, making it ridiculously simple to click and re-read, it appears that many still do not have the time. So for their convenience, I'm pasting a vital excerpt here. John, the hubby of Jen stated:

Update: I think it's important to ask yourself a couple of questions before commenting here on Cake Wrecks:
Question: Did John and Jen really intend to give us the pronunciation of a word?
Answer: No.
Question: Are John and Jen complete and total idiots?
Answer: No.
Question: Do they...
Answer: No.
Question: Would they...
Answer: No.
Question: What about...
Answer: No.
That is all.

Merci!

Jenna said...

Thank you for including LOVE146 in CCC again. I remember when you posted it last year - I was home by myself, reading their website and I was sobbing, I was so sad and moved by it.

Anonymous said...

Reading comprehension fail: To the Grammar Police, Karen and Tricia L, Jen isn't the one who spelled anything wrong, so don't try to correct her. The bakeries are the ones who did that. That's why she used those fancy " " marks around the misspellings. So, in addition to being pastry wrecks, they are also grammar wrecks. Double the fun!
Now, you don't win friends by being a grammar queen, so relax.

Anonymous said...

Who would pay $2.19 for those bon bons?

Purplewalls said...

"Sister Mary Leia" LOL!

Annette said...

We have Tim Horton's (and Timbits!)in Toledo, OH too.

Today's post were some of the most disgusting I've seen. I couldn't look at them long. I scrolled through fast!

Anonymous said...

There are Tim Hortons in the States now but unfortunately, you'll only find them on the east coast. I make sure to stop in at one when I visit family in Ohio.

And to the person from New York, yes, it is the same food chain.

Anonymous said...

Yes, the pièces montées are Communion cakes. The figurines are one girl and two boys dressed in white for their first communion. And I think they are holding some very long candles in their hands.

Anonymous said...

Okay, Bread Man was just plain disturbing. The cupcakes were atrocious and I can't even begin to describe the rest.

FYI: Croquembouche is pronounced 'Croa-kem-boo-shh' as I heard it on a special about wedding cakes. The food mag 'Fine Cooking' has a STUNNING picture of these tasty cream puffs on their Dec/Jan issue dripped and drizzled in a sea salt caramel coating. I have GOT to make these!

Arlene said...

I have to stop reading this late at night. I am sure by now my neighbors think they live next to a hysterically crazy woman lol. Love that weird shaped bread thing..looks like it has an S on it. S for super wreck probably.

Clare said...

FYI: croquembouche is actually pronounced 'croak-ahm-boosh' - it means [literally] 'crunch in the mouth'....this concludes today's French lesson.

Letmeshowyou said...

You are so funny!

Anonymous said...

Can't...comprehend ...what they were thinking :(

I should be sleeping said...

Wow. The regular bread man. I don't have words.

Jennie Callahan said...

The Peep! Oh! Sides hurting! Coffee spit on computer screen! Totally worth it!
Jenn

Laura said...

I love the "Sister Mary Leia" line...but maybe they are supposed to be St. Lucia, for St. Lucia's Day, Dec. 10th - Swedish Christmas celebration...

Kusanivy said...

Oh that's a SOCCER ball on the croquembouche one.... it looked like a Turtle shell to me

Anonymous said...

Add another $200 to your count - we donated in honor of extended family members this year in lieu of gifts, but didn't donate using the FirstGiving website. We wouldn't have known about this organization without CW. Thanks for introducing us to it!

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Regarding the pronunciation of Croquenbouche... The word is French and spelled in French "Croquenbouche". People may pronounce it "Crockumbush" or "Croakembush" but that ain't correct...

The French(I am bilingual), who invented the thing (and should know how to pronounce and spell) spell it spell it Croquenbouche and pronounce it "Crock ehn boosh" (I mistyped it previously as booch). (you roll the r in crock and the "en" is sort of a nasally "on" sound with the n being silent). I'm not sure why some people spell it Croquembouche.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jen

We see them a lot over here in the UK. They're traditionally wedding cakes (in France) but now it's just a show off dessert ... usually decorated with lots of spun sugar.

One of our TV chefs, James Martin, shows how to make a great one .... can't find the film, but this piccie and recipe is good.

http://uktv.co.uk/food/recipe/aid/596516

...by the way ... it's pronounced CROC--EM--BOOSH

Leah xx

Ellen said...

It's pronounced "Ep-cot".

Goodness, how can you take it, lol???

And I spit my drink out at "here's a tip". Good one!

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for supporting this charity again...you brought them to my attention last year and they've become my favorite charity to support!

JLo said...

Crock-em-boosh.

That's how you say it!

hyphen8 said...

I know it's been said already but "Sister Mary Leia" = awesome. There are so many things we non-Catholics don't know; thanks for the education! ;)