Thursday, December 2, 2010

Happy Hanu...Channa...Festival of Lights!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

It's Chanukkah, everybody! I can't believe you didn't remember! I mean, I've known for... uh, weeks and... weeks. [poker face] And, naturally, since I knew this day was coming well in advance, I've been saving all the best Hanukah wrecks for this very moment.

Like... um...this one:

Now, Jen's the one with the Jewish roots, but I believe this is called a "men-OR-ah."

What's that, Jen? It's not a Hannnukah cake? But...but... it's blue and white!

Fine.


Everyone knows that Hanuchah is the Festival of Lights. So, um, here's a candle:

As you can see, it's very Jewish.


And here we have the great patriarch Moses, crying over the fact that the oil has run out for the holy Jewish lamps:

(For some reason Jen isn't looking very happy right now. Hm. Well, better just keep going.)

Channikah lasts 8 nights, of course, and each night the Ghost of Chawnucahs Past visits all the good little Jewish children...

(Ow! Stop that, Jen, I'm on a roll!) ...bearing holy Jewish Dream Catchers:


And finally, while Jen is busy nursing that headache, let's end with a traditional Hawnuka cake from the great Jewess herself, Sandra Lee:



Yes, I believe those are plastic pearl beads.


Um, Jen's just gone apoplectic, but through the screeching I think I heard something about showing you the video of Sandra making this culinary delight, so you can judge for yourself. So, here 'tis:




Huh. Well, after watching this, all I can say is: thank goodness marshmallows are kosher.


[Update: That was sarcasm; marshmallows aren't kosher. Unless they are. In which case, they would be kosher. Those, however, aren't kosher. Glad we cleared that up.]


Now to all of our awesome Jewish readers - who have even awesomer senses of humor - have an amazing Hanukkah. Also, Jen says to say that she didn't teach me any of this stuff. (Aw. She's so humble.)

Elizabeth B., Allison P., Shannon B., Annie P., and Alex M., I don't know why but now I totally have Hakuna Matata stuck in my head.

And now you do, too.


It means no wo-rrieees... for the rest of your daaaaaays...
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goodgrub said...

wow. that was just. um. wow.

i mean i LOVE angel food cake (store bought or fresh made doesn't matter), but that just made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

the whole, just throw the marshmallows in there and mash them in with a gloppy covered spackle knife, and the "just use icing to make a decorative touch," was... embarrasing in the least and i won't mention on a family site what it was the most of...

Amy said...

"And of course Hanukah will be blue . . . "

And

"to match your decor"!

WTF? What's next?

"Of course, for decoration we use poils, so JEWISH . . . "

Besides, you just don't get more goyische than angel food cake. I'm reporting Sandra to the Anti-Defamation League, Cooking Division.

Stephanie said...

I was doing fine until you mentioned Hajuna Matata. Bad John, bad, bad, bad... :P

Nicole said...

Picture perfect? Good God, what a mess.

PerfectVixen said...

I just laughed so hard I fell out of my desk chair! Oh for the love of Pete and all that is holy!

Thanks John...and Jen...

I need to go bake a real Hanukkah cake and listen to the Lion King Soundtrack...

Carol said...

So original, canned frosting on a store bought cake. Sure says Chanukah to me! Does she know anything at all about Chanukah? And she gets PAID to do that?????!!!!

Lauren said...

Is it wrong that I think the cake was kinda cute before the stars were added? The pastel-blue and fake pearls made me think post-war era and I was intrigued.

Selky said...

Awesome post! I couldn't stop laughing!
Incidently, I'm a jew who on Thursday said "oh crap, its Hannukah!" And ran around like mad around walmart searching for 8 presents for my kid. Let's just say two of them are a toothbrush, and a blue baby bottle pop I found in the checkout isle.....

maniaq_boy said...

For some reason this post just screams "You will have a major Epcot situation on your hands by the end of the day."

I'm...just gonna stand over here....

*crawls into a bunker with popcorn*

www.filmdiziizletr.com

Carol said...

Why didn't she use a cake that didn't have a hole in the middle so she wouldn't have to stuff (non-kosher) marshmallows in the middle? Oh, wait, angel food cake is a "light" dessert. Well, all the blue goop and the marshmallows would override that...how many calories are in a pearl?

Anonymous said...

My last piece of faith in humanity was destroyed by me looking up "Sandra Lee" on YouTube.

*cries*

furpurrson said...

What I want to know is, when did cupcake cakes become so popular? Arranging a bunch of cupcakes and spreading frosting over them, challenging the forces of frosting and gravity, is supposed to be a good idea?

Kaija said...

Is that video SUPPOSED to be a joke?

Gavans_Mama said...

something tells me that john makes jen made alot.

... and songs get stuck in his head frequently ...

... I'm not even going to get started on That Woman who should not have a show at all on any network, let alone the Food Network.

Anonymous said...

Quite possibly the best post ever! And the comments had me laughing even harder than John's narrative. I think that other post-er is right about Sandra being the bitter jealous sister of Sara -- ROFLMAO!! Here's a couple of links to a blog by another Sandra Lee non-fan:

http://www.cookingbytheseatofmypants.com/blog-events/thursday-thirteen-11-thirteen-things-about-sandra-lee/

http://www.cookingbytheseatofmypants.com/blog-events/thirteen-more-things-i-hate-about-sandra-lee/

adsnatin said...

nice cakes though

Anonymous said...

There are kosher marshmallows.

Veronica said...

Sandra Lee does realize that icing does not go with angel food cake right? I mean I guess that is what she was going for an inedible nasty cake with an ugly "star of david" in the center.
Good golly this show is a joke.

RND said...

Kosher marshmallows do exist, the taste has improved over time, and They are gooood melted and drippy. My question is, what about that cake has anything to do with Chanukah? (Please; if you can't pronounce it, don't try.)

Gianna said...

What's sad is she thinks she's the greatest cook ever LOL. Years ago I saw her make 'truffles' with canned frosting. I had to switch channels before I threw up.

Janine said...

"Decorations" aside, the fact that Sandra Lee seems to think that Angel Food cake needs or should have frosting just makes my head hurt. This seems to be her favorite go to "dessert" as I've seen here smear canned frosting over another helpless Angel Food cake and fill the hole with canned apple pie filling. I guess if you've had two or seven of her cocktails, you won't care what the food tastes like...

Anonymous said...

Okay, for the record; that second cake? DEFINITELY not Kosher or Jewish in any way! How can I tell? I asked a moyel.

Sandra Lee... you DISGUST ME. I could make something WAY BETTER than what you call this atrocity, yet somehow YOU have a TV show?! Talk about injustice!

Meghan said...

wow! wow. wow. i want a tv show! Since anyone can have one.... and i think i will feature things I know nothing about...lmao- it is warm in california? that explains the marshmallows somehow? She really doesn't care. lol- and she thinks that looks GOOD! Thanks for sharing.

dewgiesgirl said...

No. More. Cocktails, Sandra!!!!

Gymmie said...

Oh dear! I had to Google the Kwanzaa video after seeing Trevor's post & also found the story behind the "recipe" for both of these hot messes! Oh my!

I've never seen her show and also have no clue how she ever got one. I have nothing against "cheater" recipes but at least make them GOOD.

Orange Zeppelin said...

I knew that Sandra Lee was the queen of making baked goods look tacky, but this is WAY worse!

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