Monday, January 25, 2010

Bakeries From Beyond

Monday, January 25, 2010

John and I like to watch those ghost shows on TV. You know, the ones with the frat boys bellowing challenges into empty rooms, and then running and screaming like little girls because "Something just touched me, dude! I swear!" Yeah. Those ones.

We also like the ghost gadget guys, who get unreasonably excited measuring things I've never heard of, and spend a lot of time trying to convince us that a bit of static contains some other-worldly message, like "monkey nuts."

Anyway, I got to thinking: what if these shows did a bakery edition? Eh?



[spooky announcer voice] "This week, on Bakeries From Beyond!

"Our intrepid crew pays a visit to the most haunted bakery in the entire world. Has Jumpy Jen and her crew of ragtag Wrecktators bitten off more than they can chew? Or will they earn their just desserts in this poltergeist-packed patisserie?"


[squeaky voice] "Well, we definitely sense a presence in the walk-in fridge..."


"...and strange things happen to our cakes overnight."


"Plus, customers are always complaining that they feel like they're being watched."


Announcer: "Soon, the Wrecktators are making shocking discoveries of their own!"

"So first, the electrojiggahiemers were off the scale, and then we found THIS in our photos of the display counter. This could be the evidence of Wreckage after death we've been looking for!"

Plus...

Frat Boy: "Hey, ghosties! I bet you couldn't pipe your way out of a paper bag! Yeah, and your bakery is ugly, too! You call this a window display?"

"Why don't you do something scary for once? Huh? In fact, I'm not going anywhere until you PROVE to me that...uh...

"Dude, what was that?"

"AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE!!!"


Romina B., Mimi P., Andrea, Tim E., Nicole M., Jennifer H., & Bea V., dudes, I think something just touched me.

- Related Wreckage: 9 Out of 10 Child Psychologists Agree...
TheQueen@TerrorsInTiaras said...

Why, oh why, would you think it was a good idea to put that last one in a display window?? Let alone even make it. Yikes.

Christine said...

Wait. What's up w/the murder cakes? Is that two cakes in the window display? Front and back? What the . . .? Who thought that was a good idea????? Somebody call CSI.

WriteCards said...

Oh. my. goodness. Words quite literally fail me! I feel lightheaded . . . must be from all the blood.

Eeeeeekkkkkkkk! Runs screaming from the room, waving hands in the air!

WV: jaumplav These cakes would make any frat guy jaumplav a screaming idiot!

Kiele said...

BWAAHAAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! That was freaking awesome! I too am a fan of those shows (I especially like the one with the skinny white kid that doesn't know how to wear his visor).

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

To all who wonder,

The tale of the last two cakes is long and sordid. Prepare to be stunned! Hide your children!

The cake was in the window of a Bergdorf or something for a reeealy long time. So they decided to retire it and thought this would be an appropriate way.

OOOOOOHHH!!!!

Um yeah. So that was neither long nor sordid but it's all about the lead-up.

Wreck On!

john

Anonymous said...

EEEEWWWW! I clicked on the 5th picture for a better view (bad idea) and there's a dead bug on the glass serving dish!!! Guess the cake killed it.

Spicy said...

I.... I... I want to animate this post to creepy music and over the top voice acting.

Jennifer said...

Cake Wrecks meets Ghost Adventures! LOVE IT!!!!

Susan said...

Oh my gosh! You got me! I was wondering "what is the matter with the wedding dress cake? It isn't so bad.... is it?"

scroll down...


OH MY GOODNESS! Ok, I get it now. ;-)

Wow!

The Chick! said...

I'm now scarred for life! lol

Stephanie said...

Oh... my... word... that was freakin' hilarious!

And thanks John for sharing the anecdote behind the last cake. Clearly these bakers have an interesting (if somewhat gory) sense of humor.

skatej said...

Totally agree with you regarding the frat boys. Whether real or not...leave that stuff alone!

Tainda said...

DUDE, RUN!!!!!!!!! hahaha I am a huge Ghost Hunters fan.

Love the last cake rofl If they had one that looked like a groom with a knife sticking out, I would buy it!

The Boob Nazi said...

hahahahaha I love this post.

Sarah said...

I actually kind of like the fourth cake. It has a vaguely Miyazaki cuteness to it. But unless it is actually supposed to be some sort of Shinto spirit or videogame creature, I have no idea why someone would make it in the first place...

Little Lovables said...

holy cow, that was so crazy

wv: atervee
atervee saw these scary cakes, the poltergeist decided to move on to the local donut shop instead

Robert said...

Dude, what was that? A divorce cake in a window display?

I can't think of any other explanation, bro.

Great post, dude. My spectral speak-n-spell cricketed out that it was funny, which clearly means the cake spirits are trying to get me off guard with laughter. I'm not falling for that. No sir. Nuh-uh...

What was that? Did I just capture the sound of buttercream passing through an ancient piping tip to spell out someone's name incorrectly on a birthday cake. I'll have to investigate further.

Sharon said...

I like the subtle creepiness of first cake, except for the fact it's beige, except for the fact it's beige with purple asters.

ryglights said...

I think cake #2 disturbs me the most! That thing has what looks like its throat cut, and yet it continues to smile and stare with those bloodshot eyes. Oh wait, those are roses??

SHUDDER!!!!

Melissa said...

"...poltergeist-packed patisserie?" You are in fine form today! I love the stabbed-and-bleeding cake. I wonder how often bakers fantasize about doing exactly that.

Toniw said...

Girl, I swear we are twins separated at birth! Thanks for the giggles each morning. "There are 3 stripes of frosting. That's DEMONIC!" (sigh)

Andrea R said...

I am stupidly excited that a picture I took is up here.

@ryglights - yep, we had the exact same thought! Can't believe they were trying to sell the thing.

JessX said...

ha! i spent a good chunk of saturday watching "creepy" ghost shows with over the top voice overs and the noises on the evp that they said sounded like breathing but really sounded like someone putting their finger over the mic.

Tracy L said...

That's the little bakery down the street from my office...! We loved how festive they got at Halloween, most especially the bride cake transformation - it's not very clear from the picture, but there was a bloody handprint on the dress as well if memory serves...

My favourite cupcake there(raspberry) was decorated with a little brain gummi candy, complete with dripping 'blood' decoration - it made me laugh, and was absolutely delicious. Now I wish I had thought to take a picture of it!

Anonymous said...

Hahaha! Despite its violent death, now that they've given that dress a proper funeral, I'm sure it won't bother them ever again!


Actually, the smaller cake next to it looked a little bit like the cake we were *supposed* to have at our wedding (and not like the one we actually GOT, of course). It made me so angry to see it, I almost could've knifed that dress myself. *Almost.*

OK, not quite, but still...

Melissa K. said...

Just so you know... I imagined Mike Rowe's voice doing the narration.

Marie said...

Loved, loved, loved the last one. Too funny. I'm all about the macabre.

Pink Toads said...

That second cake looks sad- not scary-to me.

nanpan said...

Haha, nice. I was actually on one of those shows. It was called "Real Scary Stories" at the time (later renamed, "Scary, But True"). Both titles are a tad misleading, because there wasn't much "real" or "true" about it. But, it was pretty fun being on TV :-)

Justine said...

I love the stabbed bride cake! I think I'll make a mini version and celebrate another year of freedom!!!

Contemporary Troubadour said...

This was brilliance. The only thing that could have topped it would have been a mockumentary-style video of the whole experience. Jen, have you ever considered doing a web show?

Can't See Sheep said...

A wedding massacre cake, how Tarantino of them!

The commentary has given me a bad case of the giggles, I watch those shows too.

LOL! john (the hubby of Jen), I dont't think I'd want to be retired from Bergdorf's if that's what they do, talk about work incentive. Yeah, we're going to slather bloody red frosting all over you & display you in a window for a day...actually that sounds either like a bizarre party or kinda kinky, I'll stop now, you're right, it is sordid tale.

Anonymous said...

This post is HILARIOUS!

...that said, maybe I have a really really weird sense of 'cute', but I just wanna hug and squish and take care of that adorable Kirby-looking pink one.

EEMorris said...

the worst part about the last one is that there is a gorgeous cake next to the crazy death one!! clearly someone in the bakery has talent, and that person should be promoted to window display designer!!

Cher' Shots said...

OMG ... the cake that sends a message!
Your blog site gives me my daily laugh, thanks!

kerry said...

I'm an absolute addict to all those silly ghost shows. Loved your take on today's cakes!!!

Terry Lee said...

geeez! that big ol' butcher knife plowed into that wedding dress cake is almost overkill. yikes!

i too saw the fly on wreck #5. not sure if he's dead though. i'd have to put my nurse hat on to be sure.

Fanboy Wife said...

Mmm... Strawberry stigmata!

Fluffy Cow said...

I kinda like the first one with it's oozy blood drips. Just the right amount!

jengersnap said...

Hey cake #5? I'm not sure exactly what you are, but your fly is down.


The last two photos...wow. Headless versions of the "brides who have no taste" body cakes. Maybe they should have marketed that as a divorce cake for the men?

wv: dingto

These cakes all have more then a dingto correct before they'll sell

Mickey said...

Great post!! I love the Ghost Hunters show! I wonder how much Steve would offer Tango to eat that 5th cake?!?
Wait..... did you hear that?

Patty O'Chair said...

That was brilliant!

Of all the ghostly shows, I dislike the one most where they shout aggressively at the alleged spirits. Yeah, kids, let's go in and piss off a ghost in his own home. I tell ya, when I kick off and start haunting a place...

"Hey, we heard you've been haunting this place... Frat guy One, get the laptop out, bring up that site about the cakes. I heard this one likes that place... There! We've got your favorite website up... it SUCKS! Show yourself or we'll start criticizing it more!"

They couldn't show that episode because I'd destroy them. ;)

Tauna said...

BWAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAA Jenn, you are hilarious!!!! I love this blog!!!

Culinarychiq said...

:::camera cuts to The Cowardly Lion on his knees::: I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do I do I do I do I DO!!!!

LOL nice one guys, what's with the bleeding cake epidemic anyway, did I miss a memo?;)

Erin said...

I am in love with all of those shows. It is actually very entertaining to watch them freak out.

I would totally watch Bakeries From Beyond :)

Amy M. B. said...

Okay, the No. 3 cake reminds me of that commercial for, I think, American Express that shows "smiley" faces everywhere (glad they didn't find this to put in the commercial!)

And the "dead fly" cake... is it me, or did the decorator hold the tip upside down to make those roses???

Jacobi said...

I believe that the wreckerator of the piggy head cake used two snouts and an eye instead of two eyes and a snout.

"And this little piggy goes sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze all the way home."

Anonymous said...

This is a hilarious post, Jen. First off, I can't stand those shows; everything is so darned fake. But your satire is right on spot! Thanks again for your wonderful blog. I never miss it!

eileen

steph said...

I am a ghost hunter and I freakin' loved this post!! And no, I normally don't shout obscenities in empty rooms, but I do get excited about our geeky equipment going off. :o)

-Steph

Anonymous said...

what kind of person orders a bleeding cake?

the hairy ghostball is cute, but why? what is the purpose of it?

the smiley face cake has a slit throat. creepy.

did anyone notice on the old/burnt/moldy cake withthe ghost images that cake was impaled with a dirty blue STRAW??? WTF???

and the last cake looks like it's intention if for a divorce commemoration (I daren't say "celebration") cake, ordered by the angry ex-husband, of course.

wv: tringli--the creepy feeling you get from these cakes.
2nd try wv: onsfiery--what a German speaking person would describe his the feeling his hemhorroids have on his bum.

jo said...

Thanks, John, for the story behind that cake. Considering it's Halloween at the time of the picture, how very appropriate to (ahem) retire the cake that way. and yes,Tracy, I DO see a bloody handprint on the left of the torso...

"poltergeist-packed patisserie?" --great line!

Hobbit said...

BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
I love those shows! Especially the one on Animal Planet where they keep flashing to clips of startled pets. My cat looks startled every time I laugh to loudly at this site! Which I did reading Jen's spooktacular comments today. :-)

shikishinobi said...

Considering I have had a chocolate coffin with delicious cream, fruit and strawberry topping (and yes, it did look like blood) these desserts are not that off-putting. Maybe the strange one that has the figurine on top of it, but that is because the cake looks burned, not iced. Lol, bad pun.

Steve the Pocket said...

Ugh. The "hairy ghostball" that's "looking at you" grossed me out the most, mainly because I have eaten one of those. They're squishy and indeed fuzzy feeling; it's basically like eating a stuffed toy. Never thought I'd see one show up here, but the recipe for those things is a wreck in itself. And yet, people buy them. *shrug*

WATERBABY CHRISTINE said...

Thanks, Anonymous, for pointing out that dot on cake #5 was a bug; I was afraid it was going to be something nasty.

Jenn said...

So in this one my 5 year old said the first cake was "A cake, with bloooood!" She draws out the word. I swear I didn't teach her that.

The red and white cakes she called, "A smiley cake, with blooood."

I think my kid is watching too much Vincent Price on Scooby Doo.

Rachel said...

I'm glad you explained that last cake, John. LOL I almost wondered if it had been photoshopped! Well...at least they had a sense of humor about it!

MarliO said...

Help, someone! Is that REALLY a paper umbrella in place of the pink pig-thing's snout?

Somehow I'm finding it hard to believe my eyes here, although to paraphrase Jen, that's "a little like complaining about the in-flight peanuts while the plane's going down." Love it!

Whitewater said...

I really don't comment much but as a paranormal investigator, I had to for this one. These cakes rock! Uh, in a creepy, 'who would want to eat that' kind of way. I chuckled through the entire post, I dunno, maybe it's me and my dark sense of humor, but I thought they were funny.

As for the ghost hunting shows on television, the ones that *do* fake things for the camera and *do* have pretty blond hosts (or clueless young men) screeching in fear and so on are *not* indicative of the hobby. Please don't assume that real paranormal investigators all act that way, because we don't, and we as a whole typically get pretty offended at the way some people portray us on television. If you want to see what it's really like, go on a ghost hunt yourselves, there are typically organizations in any major city that will welcome guests. As for television, Ghost Hunters and Ghost Lab are probably the best representations of what we actually do, although 99% of groups haven't got the extremely expensive equipment that they do, because groups in real life can't afford that stuff. A thermal camera is approx. $15K, for example. In the real world, we have digital cameras, digital voice recorders, a video camera, and perhaps an emf reader of some sort if we're lucky.

Ghost Hunters and Ghost Lab don't fake their evidence, and no good group worth their salt will do so either, it goes directly against our ethics. Just wanted to point that out. There's more in Heaven and on Earth!

wv: kness -- These spooky cakes will bring big, bad psuedo ghost-hunters (more like ghost busters!) to their kness.

Anonymous said...

Ummm - the cake with the Fly? The fly is under the plastic dome... The cake DID kill it.

First time commenter - long time reader. I work for a supermarket chain so it's part of my job to come look to make sure none of our store labels are ever showing... LOL... Reading you every day is WORK!

Anne said...

Way to find the funny in some sad and scary cakes!

Fanboy's Wife's "strawberry stigmata" is still cracking me up, too.

The ghost hunting shows are one of my guilty pleasures, too, although I enjoy a good piece of chocolate cake with buttercream frosting ever so much more. :)

Word verification: serva, as in "I wouldn't serva piece of that one to anyone I liked."

maxon said...

hah - yes, and the eyes watching you have THREE pupils each. Run for the hills!!!!

Becky said...

Fabulous post! I did not think it was possible to laugh this hard.

You folks are truly talented. Love your book and now I have got my adult kids hooked too. Thanks for "wreckin" my family!

Rachel said...

THAT PINK THING IS ADORABLE! Can I have it? Pleeeeeease?

Anonymous said...

Mmmm...this stigmata tastes like strawberries! :P

Amy L. said...

I actually really really like the pig/owl one that is fourth in this post. It's so cute, and now I want one :)

Confessions of a Closet Hoarder said...

The first one of the bunch was the most disturbing, I think. Eww!

Glad John posted the inside story on the last one. Clever, but creepy, way to retire the display!

And I liked the little sleeping doll head in the cooler. My mom has made similar cakes for baby showers, so I have a fondness for them. :)

Kelli and Troy said...

OMG!!! My two favorite sources of entertainment in one place!! Thanks Jen!!!

Kelli Millard

Bree said...

I love the pink cake. I'd rather be haunted by that type of spirit.

The last cake would make a good movie poster for a slasher film. "Wedding Day Massacre" has a nice ring to it!

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's just bacause I'm weird, in fact I know I am, but I thought the last one was really cool in a grotesque, surreal, wedding-themed-holloween-party sort of way.

Jenna said...

I like the creepy pink one with anime eyes. It's adorable and unsettling at the same time!

Jeanette said...

Jenn, as always a wonderful post! Jon, thanks for the backstory it helps a lot. I'm also wondering if a new product that cuts gumpaste will help or hurt wreckerators... http://www.cricut.com/cricutcake/
We'll have to wait and see who can manage to put letters or designs on upside down or backwards.

wv minsfeon: Answer to a waiter's question, ie; How's the food? Minsfeon, but the cake needs some REAL help

jillb-ilslp said...

Aw, darn. I was hoping the Boob Nazi would have posted a comment about the lack thereof on the last cake(s). I think we can't overlook as a suspect the "always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride." She wanted to be the one to cut the cake for once...and so she did.

Joyce said...

That pink pig thing is actually a little cute....

Cassy said...

At least I'm not the only one to think the pig is really cute. I laughed as hard as I have all day over the last two, brilliant.

Calli Arcale said...

I actually kinda think the first cake is pretty cool. Of course, my favorite classic lit author is Edgar Allen Poe.

But the pink cake? That's the creepiest. I like it too, actually, because it reminds me of Coraline.

Those eyes look like buttons, you see....

SyracuseWolvrine said...

Cake #5 is an awesome pepper's ghost effect.

Rita said...

Wow....those are awful. I've been watching those shows lately and I think the wrecks capture the essence of them very well. :)

The head in the walk-in was my favorite. Too weird.

Anonymous said...

I think that was the best post ever. Well not better than Amber, but up there.

ksaldria said...

Poltergeist-packed patisserie = greatest use of alliteration ever.

Stacey said...

I love that the wedding dress cake was transformed into a bloody bride with a severed head and apparently arms as well. Perhaps she was relieved of these appendages at the armpit line of her torso? I love your commentary, this site wouldn't be nearly as hiliarious without it! "You couldn't pipe your way out of a paper bag" had me laughing as hard as the wreckage did! Thanks for the time and care you put into your posts, they make my day!

Mishi said...

We have those shows in Malaysia too. Most of the time the participants ended up crying hysterically, INCLUDING the boys.

Still, it must be cool to see some of these "unique" cakes. Ours are dead boring in comparison. You will probably be glad that the horror of CCCs haven't spread here yet. The power of the internet might change this soon...

Jennifer B said...

Ew. The first one is terrifying!

Mary said...

Since I am a horror junkie I think horror and bloody cakes would be so cool for Halloween and even weddings when two people who are horror junkies get married. But that little pink anime looking thing was just too cute.

Lisa said...

OMG. I think I'm gonna pee. And not because I'm scared. Aaaaah Cake Wrecks...a little bit of sunshine in an otherwise bleak and grey London.

Lisa

Mary said...

I think this is one of my favorites ever!!!!

Brockie said...

LOL the last one had was very lady gaga-esque.

nicole said...

Yeah, I'm so ridiculously happy my photo got posted! I remember how shocked I was to see that nasty cake in the display window of a cake shop in China. I don't know what grossed me out more... the moldy straw, the inch of dust, or the cracked icing!

Jedi Knight Ivyan said...

One of your best posts evar!!

I watch those shows too. Hilarious to see grown men about to pee themselves because they saw their own shadow or heard a rat.

Keep up the wacky wreckiness.

Melissa (& Billy) said...

The 'killer wedding dress'--wow. Talk about your subliminal suggestions. 0_o Hopefully this cake wasn't ordered by the bride's mother-in-law, her fiance, or a jealous bridesmaid who hates her chartreuse organdy dress?

Maybe the wreckorator was just dumped by her fiance? *shudder*

The rest of them? Eeeyaah.

purplewowies said...

You know, it's quite fitting that they decided to kill the last cake around halloween (evident by what looks like a Jack O Lantern cupcake in the display, unless they keep that there year round).

Anonymous said...

I think the cake with the girl's head actually went with the last pic of the murder cake...

Paula Tomey-Allen said...

For Lady Gaga?

Anonymous said...

What's going on with the cake next to the disembodied head? (there's a question I never thought I'd ask). It looks pretty tragic, but we can't see all of it. Wreckminds want to know!

Sue (who is too lazy to sign up for google so it looks like this is anon, but it's not)

Jenny said...

I especially love that when you do a close-up inspection of cake #5, you'll see a FLY sitting on the cake. Ugh.

Jen said...

Dude! Bro! Two of my favorite things in the world together at last. The huz and I give Ghost Adventures the MST3K treatment wert Friday night (Loved when Joel McHale called Zak "Scooby Douche"!). Let's put a digital recorder under that cover and see if we can get an EVP of the dead fly.

Anna said...

Aww. The weird pink thing is kind of cute... whatever it is.

And the bottom dress makes me want to watch "Carrie."

bea said...

Hi, I just had to respond!

We are the designers of the stabbed cake: http://www.beasofbloomsbury.com

Originally I had resisted against putting wedding cakes in our display, but my architect friends designing the shop persuaded me to make a cake model that we assumed no one would ever want! As a result, 'Mathilda' was made, and photographed constantly for months---every day a horde of people with camera phones, a celebrity in her own right.

And then she got dusty, and then the bottom and then we had additional wedding cake models that deserved centre stage.

As Halloween was around the corner, we decided to retire her in a wonderful fashion for Halloween. Also, considering our shop building was built in 1860, I'm sure there's quite a few ghosts hanging around.

But yes, it was purely for Halloween purposes and I could never imagine someone ordering that as a divorce cake! :)

-Bea

Anonymous said...

I have actually had the first cake, the blood like substance is raspberry something or other and on the inside its 2 layers of dark chocolate cake separated by a layer of raspberry goo that kinda seeps into the cake... sooo moist and sooo good! Definatly a place to check out if youre ever in Port Stanley ontario!!!

JumbleMash said...

What?? I would really like to know the story behind the last one there. And the first one. I mean, who orders/makes a bleeding cake?

Cupcakes Lady said...

BWAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! I love those shows! Great Blog xx

Ms. MM said...

Looks like Norman Bates finally got away from the motel and into the cake making business. I doubt Mother approved.

Anonymous said...

cakes to DIE for. macabre humor.