Hail, Hailoween!

So my question is this: how heavy does your southern accent have to be that you not only pronounce it "Hailoween", but you also think it's spelled that way?

Go on, say it out loud. It's fun. You know you want to.

Hah! See? Told you it was fun.

And speaking of Wrecked inscriptions...

I'm kind of getting a mixed message here.

And speaking of things that are mixed up...

I think somebody needs an anatomy lesson.

And speaking of anatomy:

These are NOT what you think they are.

Unless you think they're simply flesh-colored versions of a "pumpkin" and a "haystack," that is. Then they are what you think they are. Allegedly.

Kind of like how this is allegedly a pumpkin:

...and NOT a turd exploding on the sun.

Chickpea, Katie H., Sarah C., Bill P., & Rebekah F., that stem really wipes out the competition, doesn't it?

- Related Wreckage: Why You Don't Raid Other People's Refrigerators

Step One: Cut a Hole in the Pumpkin

I can't think of a more Wrecktastic harbinger of Halloween happiness than this guy:


Yep, Mr. Bonehead here suuure is happy. How happy, you ask? Happy enough to say, "Look, ma! No hands!"


Dorei, just tell the kids it's a levitation trick. Which really startles the pumpkin.

- Related Wreckage: Drew's Birthday Wish

The Twilight Zone

Tonight I'm going to be doing a live author chat over on Twilight Moms, a website devoted to moms who enjoy astronomical chitchat.

Or maybe they have something to do with vampires. Hm. Come to think of it, that might explain a few things, actually...

Well, if I've learned anything from being a fangirl myself (though admittedly more of the sci-fi genre) it's that you always look for common ground when dealing with bloodthirsty devotees. That, and no sudden movements. So, Twi-hards, sink your teeth into THIS (while the rest of us casually stroll off in this direction):


As you can see, there are two crucial elements to most Twilight cakes:
1) edible photo paper, and
2) lots of black icing.

Unfortunately, black icing does tend to show how green the "black" ink in edible photos can be. But what can you do? Draw something?

Say, this is actually pretty good! And way to represent the big girls, baker; I'm tired of the skinny chick always getting the sparkly immortal. Even if she is impaling his arm with her big ol' man-hand.

Well, better get back to the formula, I suppose. Only, what's that you say? You want MORE black icing? Nooo problem:

Well that's gonna leave a mark stain. No, I don't know what the white swirly bits are supposed to be. And yes, it does look like a postage stamp. But let's not give anyone ideas, mmkay?

You know, for vampire-themed cakes these things have been awfully blood-free.

Ah, that's better. The oozing bell peppers really add something, too. Specifically, something that makes even less sense than writing "Forks Twilight" on a cake.

(Yes, I know that Forks is the name of the town in the story. That's hardly an explanation, though.)

As with all cakes, the most important thing to remember when ordering a Twilight design is that nothing beats a little forethought, balance, and beautifully scripted text:

Yep, nothing would have beat any of those right about now.

[Pro tip: if you're going to scratch guide lines into the icing, keep in mind that airbrushed icing is white underneath.]

And lastly, choosing the right text for your tribute cake is also key:

"What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy? What a stupid lamb! What a sick, masochistic lion."

Er.

Yeeeahh...so...

Happy Birthday!

Or would it make more sense as an anniversary cake? [evil grin]

I hate to admit it, Giselle P., Katelynn B., Emily S., Jennifer T., & Itzkeleen, but I think the first Twilight Wreck I posted still takes the cake. (Keeping in mind that only the professional cakes count, of course; there are tons of hilarious amateur jobs out there.)

- Related Wreckage: The Twilight of our Discontent

Fan "Art"

This Halloween, why not add a little personality to your pumpkin?

Harry F. carved this little beauty. Disturbing-yet-fabulous, no?

And Lauren was inspired by both the famous belly cakes and Suzy's Wreck to create her own CW tribute costume:

And yes, she's pregnant. That's what makes it so horribly good.

And finally, I'm pleased to announce that I've finally solved the mystery of this little guy:

Several of you sent in pictures of the above cake topper spotted at a cake show some weeks back. (It's good to know that the sight of something this disturbing brings me immediately to mind. Heh.)

Here's another angle:

As you can see, this is a figure of a middle-aged guy in boxers and a mohawk riding a carrot. Trouble was, no one could tell me who made it, or even which cake show it appeared at, so I was left to wonder if the baker responsible meant to do a sneaky homage to CW, or was just plain nuts.

Well, not too long ago, I got a delightful e-mail from the cake's creator, Burton (also responsible for the fabulous Frankenstein wedding cake), and I got my answer: he's both.

Here's his explanation:

"I am convinced that it is only a matter of time before Cake Wrecks inspired cakes get their own category at cake shows. Since I am usually very far behind the curve on most things (current affairs, fashion, street slang, which fork to use…) I thought I would try to get ahead of the curve on this one. So I decided to enter a competition cake partially inspired by the Cake Wrecks blog. And why go half way? I entered it in Kerry Vincent’s own Oklahoma State Sugar Arts Show."

Yes, Burton made a middle-aged half-naked mohawk-man carrot jockey for Kerry Vincent. Told you he was nuts.

Here's the whole cake, with Burton's notes:

See the little fireman's hat? That's an ode to yet another famous classic Wreck.

Wondering how the crowd reacted? [evil snicker] Burton, fill us in on all the gory details.

"Public opinion did not favor this entry. Every time I saw anyone approach my cake they would immediately exclaim, 'Oh, look at the cute pumpkin scarecrow cake!' and then pass my cake by on their way to see the cute pumpkin scarecrow cake that was several entries down the table. My entry did get high marks from Craig Gustafson of American Cake Decorating Magazine, though, and the judges gave it first place in its category —take that, cute pumpkin scarecrow cake!"

And just because I had fun reading it, here's the rest of his e-mail:

"After the judging I spoke with one of the judges who admitted that most of them didn’t know the significance of the carrot until Bronwen Weber set them straight. [Bronwen rocks.] I actually got to meet and make a fool of myself in front of Bronwen as well as Kerry Vincent and several other celebrity decorators. While I may not have made a fool of myself in front of Jennifer Matsubara, I at least left her convinced that I am very creepy, if the look in her eyes and the speed with which she backed away were any indication." [Hah!]

"I just thought I would let you know how something as sweet and innocent as the naked, mohawk-baby carrot jockey can be twisted and perverted in the wrong hands. Mine."

The good thing, Burton, is that most of us are just twisted enough to love you for doing this, so it's all good. Wreck on, my friend. Wreck. On.

(Still trying to figure out what the deal is with the carrot jockeys? Well, I don't have much of an answer for you, but you can start by going here.)

Halloween "Huh?"s

For today's cakes I have no answers. Only questions.

Uh, what's up with her nose? (Or should I say "down with her nose?")

I like to think it's just a wart, but I get the feeling that it'sss...not.

Why is the toilet paper angry?



What do colorful sperm have to do with Halloween?
(Granted, "Happy" I could see...)


WHAT in the name of sweet Lassie is that spider doing?!?


I have two questions for Mr. Ghost-with-the-Most here:
First, why did the Wreckerator feel it necessary to include two small chocolate bars and a gummi worm? And second, why, oh why, did s/he put them there and in that order?

Now, I don't want to leave you with all questions, my dear Wreckies, so here's a cake that answers the following:

Q) What do you get if you cross Princess Leia, Dracula, and the Bride of Frankenstein?

A) This:

Paige, Carey H., H.M., Erin, Suzanne U., & Daa, you must admit the resemblance is uncanny.

- Related Wreckage: Ghosts with the Most

Halloween Heckling

This season is almost too easy for snarks like me. C'mon, right now this is what passes for cake decorating:

And they say cake art is dead. Pfft.

Bakeries, of course, love it. Every conceivable mistake, no matter HOW bad, can now be made into a Halloween design.

Have a Barbie bride cake that's gone horribly wrong? Noo problem:

Voila! A ghost!

Did your icing bag explode in big globby piles on a cake board? We can work with that.

Just be sure to label it, so folks know what it is. See, now that it SAYS "Evil Witch Hat" you can totally see it, right? Er. Right?

What's that? Your bats don't look like bats? S'ok. We have a giant piece of plastic for that:



And hey, do you have any leftover stock we can make into Halloween designs? You know, like maybe some smiley faces? Oh, good! See, just add some fangs...a little broken English...and...

Ta daa! Now it's a vampire!

I know it's a stretch, Darshani, Bettina G., Shayne H., Kylie K., Lauren, & Rachel J., but don't worry; it's Halloween. People will totally buy it.

- Related Wreckage: E.T. is Back...

Autumn Terrors

When you see your typical bakery display filling up with disembodied plastic fingers and red corn syrup drenched eyeballs you know Halloween is nearly upon us. Of course, those cakes are trying to be gross, gory, and/or creepy.

[sing-song voice] Bo-ring!

Personally, I prefer the cakes that were going for cutesy, but didn't quite make it. You know, like this:

Bring me the head of Billy the Scarecrow!!

Don't you worry about Billy, though...

...I hear he qualified for the "bale out" program. (Hay!)

I don't think this next one was going for cute, exactly, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't going for this level of creepy, either:

Um. Wow. The monster mash just got a leeetle bit awkward.

So anyway, you can keep your rat-gnawed arms and zombie brain cakes; to me, no baked good will ever be as terrifying as this thing:

Aaaauugh!

Denise, Surlana, Matt L., & Kourtny, I will never look at fried eggs the same way again. Thanks.

- Related Wreckage: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

Sunday Sweets: Halloween

I'm not a fan of gory Halloween cakes, so instead here are some truly Sweet designs to get you in a spooktacular mood for Saturday.

First, a fun topsy-turvy style:

(Made by Pink Cake Box)

And a bat cake that is almost painfully adorable:

(Made by Dorispepsi)

Speaking of adorable, this little ghost with pigtails also fits the bill:

(Submitted by Becki E. & made by Janna Espada)

Although she'll have to watch where she steps; it looks like Slimer paid a visit. ;)

This wedding cake has a real Burton-esque feel to it (which is a good thing, of course):

(Made by Let Them Eat Cake)

And this one has fantastic details:

(Made by Thefrostedcakencookie.)

I love the tree and the way the moon is suspended from the roof. Plus, check out the little cobblestones and gate; the composition is as pretty as a painting!

And finally, I never imagined a skull cake would be my favorite, but then I never imagined a skull cake could be this gorgeous, either:

(Submitted by Sheila M. & made by the great Highland Bakery)

I hope you enjoyed today's Sweet Treats! Now brace yourselves, 'cuz this week you're going to see a whole lotta Halloween Wreckage. [rubbing hands together gleefully] Oh yeah, this is going to be good.

- Similar Sweets: Spooktacular Wedding Cakes

There's a Fly on My Cake!

So I'm browsing around the internets the other day looking for bug cakes (don't ask) and I come across the Flickr page of Second City Warehouse. What I saw there made my trackball come to a screeching halt. It seems that Steph's boss, Carl, was leaving for a new and better job and it was Steph's job to pick up the booze and the cake. But I'll let her tell you the rest of the story:

"Of course, I wanted the cake to be very special and couldn't think of anything else to put on it aside from a bat fly." [I feel like we're missing something here.]

"So, I picked out Carl's very favorite microptics print [Who doesn't have a favorite microptics print?] and took it to the bakery to see if they could replicate the image on a cake in frosting. "At the bakery, I decided to cut to the chase, so I pulled the picture out first thing in order to make sure they could transfer it. The bakers were stunned into a profound silence as they stared at the photo. I opened my mouth to explain, but a little voice in my head said, 'No no, don't. It's funnier this way.' "When they finally tore their eyes away to look up at me, I smiled and said, 'So. You guys are the experts, let me know what you think. I was thinking of a blue border, but I'm not sure about the decorations. Balloons, do you you think, or flowers?' "The manager of the bakery didn't really answer my question, just silently filled out the order form and wrote 'balloons.'"
Y'all ready to see this thing now? Here 'tis:


"When I got the cake, I was tickled to see that they had attached frosting balloon strings to the hind leg, the wing and somewhere near the head. I suppose they weren't sure how a microscopic insect might choose to hold a balloon." [Well, that makes about 75,000 of us.]

Let me just say that this cake has given me a whole new appreciation for grocery store bakers. Thanks for letting me borrow your story, Steph!

Note from john (the hubby of Jen): Several of you have noted that this isn't a "wreck" in the strictest sense of the word, to which I say, true that. It is, however, a fun cake story. And it's Saturday. Go with it. Peace out, yo.

When Wreckerators Take the Fall

I may be sitting here with the A/C cranked in the southern swamp affectionately known as "Florida", but I have a feeling that Fall will be here soon. And lest we have any doubts, some bakeries have taken to posting helpful weather updates on their cakes:

Next week they're debuting "Bring a jacket; you'll catch your death in this chill."

I can't really tell if that's a threat or a promise, though. Sure, the pumpkins and cherries look happy, but those tree claws seem rather ominous. [shiver]

Fall, of course, is known for its colorful foliage.

We don't have any of that in Florida. (Pine cone pile, anyone?)

That's ok, though; with cakes like these, I don't think I'm missing all that "mulch":

Ah, you don't often see this level of technique used! You see, dragging a knife through icing takes confidence, a steady hand, and the kind of technical know-how that knows exactly which end is the pointy one. [nodding seriously]

Still, no matter how you slice it, those skills pale in comparison to this...

...feather? Spear?Long-necked snail? Worm in a hat? Worm in a skirt? Garden trowel? Underside of a snorkeler's leg?

Hey, I could go on all day. I suspect, however, that Zoey K., Hap C., & Brady want me to make like a tree, and get out of here.


- Related Wreckage: Fall Fumbles

(Note: If you now have Biff on the brain, congratulations! You're a geek! Now go watch this funny song he sings as a reward.)

Recipes for Wreckage

You know you're asking for a Wreck when...


...your college has the initials "CNU" and the family member who orders has a strong southern accent:



...you use any kind of shorthand on the order form:



...the color of icing you ask for could also be a proper name:

(For a double birthday party. At least both ladies were equally snubbed!)

...you use the words "camo" AND "army" while describing what you want:

Many thanks to today's dedicated Wreckporters: Allie, Colin M., Ryan B., & Barb B.!

- Related Wreckage: Undeserving of Congrats

"World" "Domination" Tour Back on Track!

Time to clear your schedule and start planning out those cupcake Wreckplicas, faithful henchpersons; I have tour dates to announce!!


The events will be set up the same as before, meaning there will be free cake provided by local bakeries, a fun slide show hosted by yours truly and John, a Q&A time, and of course the Wreckplica contest, complete with fabulous prizes.

To help us know how much cake and space we'll need, please RSVP if you think you'll be able to attend by clicking on the appropriate city name below.

Thanks, and see some of you soon!

Kansas City
(technically Overland Park, KS)
Barnes & Noble
Monday, Nov 2nd, 6PM

New York
(Greenwich Village)
Barnes & Noble
Tuesday, Nov 3rd, 7:30PM

Bethesda, MD
Barnes & Noble
Thursday, Nov 5th, 7PM

Boston, MA
(Framingham)
Barnes & Noble
Sunday, Nov 8th, 2PM

Atlanta, GA
(Buckhead)
Barnes & Noble
Monday, Nov 9th, 7PM

Bride/Baker Communication 101

Most brides think that bringing in a photo of their dream wedding cake will help clarify for their bakers what it is that they want and expect on their big day.

[shaking head] Those sweet, silly girls.


In reality, these photos are more like "guidelines." A springboard, if you will, from which the baker may or may not spring - and then into heretofore unheard-of realms of artistic "expression."

Perhaps some examples will help.

Bride Laurie S. asked for this cake, only in ivory and with blue flowers instead of white:

(Photo & cake by Martha Stewart)

Instead, she got this:

"It's boxy, and it's blue and white. What more do you want?"

Kirstie also wanted a cascading floral design, like this:


Which her baker recreated pretty well, except for one key detail:

S/he used real flowers instead of sugar ones.

Once the petals shriveled, Kirstie's cake design became less "cascading flowers" and more "attacking butterflies." Which isn't horrible, I suppose, but it is kind of hard to resist the urge to flap your arms and shoo them off.

(Note: The silver thing is their topper, which the baker laid flat instead of standing up. Or maybe the butterflies just knocked it over. :D)

Sharon L. wanted this gorgeous topsy-turvy design:

(Made by Lisa's Creative Cakes - and I totally want one.)

...only in 3 tiers and using her colors of fuchsia, orange, and lime.

Her baker's interpretation?

Remember that springboard I mentioned? Well, some are a LOT springier than others.

And finally, this bride wanted her seashell-themed cake to rise to new heights:


Instead, she got one that was apparently dropped from great heights:

Think it was served with a pancake dinner?

[snicker]

- Related Wreckage: Love is in the Air...