Jen Pipes Down

Although the past few days have been fun, I think we're all ready to just let some Wrecks speak for themselves, don't you?


Wow. Very eloquent, Beth H. I never knew that "fithy years plus nine" equaled a "Happle Birthday." Or that random capitalization and periods (the punctuating kind, that is, not the monthly kind) were so in vogue these days. Maybe. i. should. Try. it.!.*

Ok, Monica S., I promise: As soon as I find some "underware", I'll remember to wear them.

Um. What?
Julie S., did this come with a translator?

Or not to cool?
That is the question, Jodee R.


Exclusionary cake really is the best kind:

Unless of course "But-Ringo" is some kind of unfortunate nickname. Which would make you wonder how exactly...uh...you know...

Yeah, maybe we shouldn't follow that thought train too far down the tracks, eh, Glynis E.? Yeah. Hey kids, just look at that ugly airbrushing! Woo wee, is that ugly! Haha!

*Hey, I just realized that when you combine a ! with two ..s, it looks kind of like a cute little chicken head. See? .!. No? Ok, I've officially been at this computer too long...

Happy Earth Day to You...

So.

Hey everybody. This is john (the hubby of Jen) taking on today's post since Jen is...um...busy. Yeah. So how 'bout that post yesterday, huh? It's like one minute everything's all hunky-dory, and then next thing I know Jen's threatening to strike over something to do with a Disney font. Last I saw, she was on the couch in her memory foam slippers with a pint of Chunky Monkey and watching SGA reruns. I believe her exact words to me were, "YOU write it!!!" And I see the facial tic is back. Greeeaaat.

Which brings us to Earth Day!!! (Wait. Why are we still doing Earth Day cakes? It was like a week ago. *sigh*) Earth Day!!! Who doesn't love cake for their Earth Day? I thought it would be hard to find Earth Day cakes but it turns out those kooky decorators are still making them!

Our first cake was actually made for some guy named Scopios. I mean, what a crazy name, right? But this guy must really love Earth Day 'cause someone got him a cake.

Too bad this decorator doesn't know how to spell!*

And how about this next one?

Hey Tori Beth! Earth Day's been around for a long time ya know. What, were you born, like, a year ago?

And finally, here's the last one, which is why it's called finally.

Who else thinks we should take the airbrush out of the hands of the bakers? Who's with me?!?! You know. 'Cause the meat folks could put them to better use. For ham glazes. And signs.

So that's my post. Hopefully Jen will be back soon, although I just heard her tell the cat "Spaceship Earth is IN Epcot" between mouthfuls.

Katie V., Chelle, & Sarah A., Wreck On!

*See, what I did here is I took the "B" out of the word "Birthday" to make it sound like "Earth Day" even thought that is clearly not what the cake was supposed to say. I did this because there were almost no actual Earth Day cakes submitted, which means that either a) they were all fantastic, b) there were none made, or c) everybody has thrown their batteries into a lake and, thusly, nobody has a working camera. Thank you and good night!

Happy Day, Earth!

Yeah, yeah, so I missed Earth Day. I promise I did my best to drastically curtail my usual polluting practices for the occasion though: I waited until the next day to chuck all those batteries into the lake.*

Anyhoo, I promised you lovely twits on Twitter that we would extend the celebration here on Wrecks and have a whole Earth Week. So that's what we're doing. [putting on green & purple party hat & blowing on noise maker] Yay, Earth!

Now, where's the cake?

What? I was supposed to bring it? Oh, I see how it is: I've got to do everything around here, don't I? [rummaging through photos] Fine. I'm sure I can find an Earth cake in here somewhere...

Ah! Here we go:

Umm, no, wait... Sorry, that's apparently an attempt at a Spaceship Earth cake. Or a big fuzzy golf ball. Totally different.

UPDATE: To the scores of you telling me this is supposed to be Disney's Epcot Center: Um, yeah, I know. See, the ball at Epcot is called Spaceship Earth, NOT Epcot. Give a Diz Geek a little credit, eh?

[returns to rummaging] Let's see...Earth cakes...Earth cakes...

Well, that's more of an earthquake. Although it's nice how the Wreckerator added that bridge in to span the gap. In fact, I think it fits right in with the triple-cloned Mickey, Pocahontas, matchbox cars, roses and palm trees, don't you?

Moving on...How about some earth movers?

See, since "earth" is also another word for "dirt", this actually makes perfect sense.

Although I must say, they're getting quite generous with the cake toys these days, aren't they? Just look at the size of those things! Pretty soon they're going to start slapping Big Wheels on cakes and calling it a day. (No, I don't know why they'll call Big Wheels on cakes "a day", but trust me, they will.)

Here's my favorite - and probably the most appropriate - Earth Day confection, though:

The message couldn't be more clear: Recycle, or die in a fiery mushroom cloud. Now that's how you teach the younger generations, my friends.



Glitter, Katie T., & Quenby S., have you hugged a tree yet today? And if not, may I recommend this one?


*This joke (and yes, it is a joke) was shamelessly ripped off of Matt Barnette. Thanks, Matt!)

The Twilight of Our Discontent

Unless you've lived under a rock for the past year or so, you know about the vampire lust phenomenon that is Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before a bakery, in an attempt to appeal to the "I'll buy anything with Edward Cullen on it" crowd, decided to recreate the iconic book cover on a cake.

So here's the cover:



Aaaand here's the cake:



I'll give you a moment.

[whistling]

Ready? Back in your chair? Good.

Now, can I appreciate the irony of a vampire cake that sucks?

Of course I can.

Do I mind that the apple is now a red bell pepper?

Nah, not so much.

Would I still like to know what the Wreckerator was smoking when s/he made those flabby-yet-disjointed amoeba arms?

[nodding] Yes, yes I would.


Kelly L., I know you have a stake in this, so I hope you won't be cross when I say looking at this bite-sized sucker is making me downright batty.

[bowing] That's five! Five puns! Mwah-ah-ah!

Cake Wrecks, a Role Model?!?

I love reading all the e-mails y'all send in, and over the past months I've had several proud parents send in the cakey creations of their little ones, who they tell me are inspired by this blog. (Let's hope they're referring to the Sunday posts, heheh.)

Anyhoo, I thought today would be a good day to give a shout-out to two of my young fans-turned-prodigies.

First up, there's six-year-old Max. According to his mom Alissa, Max demands to see Cake Wrecks every night before going to bed, and when he finally made a cake all by himself, he begged her to send it in to Cake Wrecks as "a good-looking cake, not a wreck."

Here he is, looking proud-as-punch with his cakey creation:

Excellent work, young Max. I particularly like your sprinkle placement. Tell me, do you deliver?

And next, here's Kelsey holding a lovely two-tiered cake she made for her older sister's baby shower:

Kelsey's mom Renee tells me Kelsey made this entire thing from scratch, including the fondant, and designed and baked it completely on her own. Not too shabby for a girl who's only - wait, what's this? Today is her 15th birthday?!? Aw, hey now, how's that for good timing? It's almost like someone [wink wink] wanted to feature her cake on her special day. Yep, yep, yep. So good work, mom, and happy birthday, Kelsey! May your cakes always rise, your fondant never crack, and your spelling skills never falter.

Sunday Sweets: James' Sweet Safari

You Wrecks history buffs know that my friend Abby was the one who first e-mailed me the "cake that started it all", thereby indirectly inspiring this entire blog. Abby is also the mother of Sweet Baby James, who spent 482 days spreading joy on this globe before leaving us last August. Since today would have been James' 2nd birthday, Abby asked me if she might share his first and only birthday cake here on Sunday Sweets. Knowing how awesome you guys are, I figured you'd be willing to indulge us. So, without further ado, here's Abby.

My son James lived in the hospital for the first 135 days of his life, and I couldn't wait to take him home like a real mom and show him off! However, the day before he was discharged, my dreams of a big "welcome home" party were dashed. The docs said we had to keep him away from crowds for two more months in order to protect him from germs.

So by the time we got to James' first birthday and he was more stable, we were really ready to party! Not only would it be a chance to celebrate his life with all his friends and fans, but it was a huge milestone for a special needs kid who statistically should not have survived to be born. We invited nurses, doctors, therapists, neighbors, church friends, and everyone else who read James' blog (Sweet Baby James), and commissioned a friend who was thinking about starting a cake business to make a birthday cake to feed 100 guests.

Here's the spread:

As you can see we chose an African safari theme, to match James' nursery. Our friend started working on the design over a month in advance, sending us photos of her progress along the way. The animals were painstakingly crafted out of chocolate and were very fragile, but completely yummy. Each one had a perfect smile!

[Note: the animal patterns are from the book The Whimsical Bakehouse]

The cakes were covered with buttercream frosting - no fondant - and each was a different flavor and filling. The baker's husband custom built and painted the matching cake stand, and they even found a matching "first birthday" photo frame to sit inside it. What a dream for our son's big day!

Then there were chocolate cupcakes with more animal designs to cover us if we had more people than we estimated. These were a big hit with the children when we took the leftover cake to the Ronald McDonald House the next day!

When I asked her to make James a "smash cake," the baker was concerned about his diabetes being affected by the frosting. I told her that if James actually consumed any cake, I would probably die of joy. (At that time James' arms were too weak to "smash" anything, and he was so unused to eating food by mouth anyway [he had a stomach feeding tube] that he probably wouldn't know what to do with the cake!)

Sure enough, when it came time for the smash cake James just looked puzzled. We finally guided his finger to poke the cake a little and put a crumb or two in his mouth. He seemed to really enjoy the little taste he got!


Everyone agreed that James couldn't have had a more perfect birthday cake. As it turns out, he would never need another one, so we are very thankful for this labor of love. And in case any of you were thinking of contacting my friend to order your own professional masterpiece, I have to disappoint you. A month after James' party, she moved on from cake decorating and launched a humor blog for a somewhat larger audience—but it couldn't be a more grateful one than us.

Many thanks to Abby for sharing with us today. If you'd like to learn more about James and his story, you can visit his blog here.


UPDATE: Abby and her hubby John are indeed reading all of your comments! She asked that I post this word of thanks on their behalf:

To Jen & the Wreckers: It's been amazing (again) to experience such an outpouring of love from strangers. Thanks so much for making our first birthday without James really special for us through your kind words, prayers, and thoughts. It's been incredibly encouraging and comforting for us and the grandparents to know that James is remembered and appreciated as the wonderful kid that he was and is.

Professionally Administrated Wrecks

I usually try to feature holiday Wrecks on the holiday in question, but when I was out of town recently I missed a couple. So, for all you administrative professionals out there who had to order your own cakes last Wednesday, this post is for you.


Ok, so it's not horrible, but I do have two issues with it:

First, as submitter Danielle C. points out, the girl is green. "I'm not sure why," she writes, "but I've narrowed it down to either motion sickness or a subtle witch insult."

(Ah, but there is one more possibility, Danielle: She could be an Orion slave girl! Granted, that might be construed as an even bigger insult than the witch thing, but any Trek reference is a good one in my book.)

And secondly, this cake doesn't actually say anything. No "Thanks" or "We appreciate you" or "Today, skip the collating!" - nada. So in essence really all this cake says is "You work here, and we wanted cake." How...touching. I'm sure all the admins working there were inspired to new heights of administrative professionalism. Really.

'Course, considering these next examples I can see the logic behind a writing-less cake:

And Mary Pat, since I know all the glass-half-full people are going to point it out anyway: Those flowers ARE quite pretty, don't you think?

This Wreck, however, has only one redeeming factor:

And that is it's made of chocolate.

Yep, that plastic butterfly makes a heroic effort, but in the end still can't save this squiggly monochromatic mass from the Wreck heap. I can't actually say it's misspelled, though, because every time I try to decipher the squiggles the eyestrain gives me a headache. (And if that's a decorator tactic, it's brilliant. Brilliant, I say!)

That Personal Touch

When you start a new job it's always nice to feel welcomed. This lucky individual - who may or may not be named "Steve" - got a cake:

Supposedly that reads "Greetings Coworker," but it looks more like "Exploiker" to me. Regardless, it's nice to see a little Alien Robot lingo being used in the workplace. (Back in the day I was known to bleat out the occasional "EXTERMINATE!" when talking to the "parental units," but then a friend told me I was "too carbon-based" to pull off the 'bot vibe, so I stopped.)

If there's ever a time to celebrate your individuality, though, it's your birthday:

So remember, Chris's sister: You are unique. Just like the rest of Chris's siblings.

Of course, Chris's sister is older than Chris, so what do you suppose her first three birthday cakes read? "Happy Birthday, To-Be-Determined-Upon-the-Birth-of-Our-Next-Child?"


And for those picky people who want their actual names on a cake, bakeries are now offering some handy fill-in-the-blank form cakes:

Just pick out which awkwardly worded, misspelled message you would like, write in the name of your choice using the mismatched icing tube, and voila! One personalized, heartfelt Wreck!


Generic Wreckporter, Becky F., and Carmen, thanks for all wonderful Wrecks.

Wrecks Rerun

NOTE: Today's original post of horse cakes has been pulled due to some horrendously bad timing on the part of the universe. (I was out of the country until yesterday, and so only learned of the tragic polo horse deaths this morning.) Rest assured that I'm not that intentionally insensitive, and I certainly meant no offense to horses or horse-lovers. I'll run the original post again in a few weeks, but for today, enjoy this classic Wreck rerun from the CW archives.


The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Quick, someone make a cake!

Yes, there's nothing quite like plummeting balloons and unconscious clowns to celebrate your own personal apocalypse. Anyone have some radiation-free milk to go with?

Well, Cake IS My Drug of Choice...

Before I address this cake, I would like to state a few things for the record:

1) My mother reads this blog. (Hi, Mom!)

2) I have never, ever, even remotely considered the possibility of so much as looking at a piece of drug paraphernalia. Ever. (Hi, Mom!)

So my question is this, Stephanie A.: Does a crack pipe really look like a coffee cup filled with bloody mini-marshmallows? 'Cuz I always pictured something a little edgier, like that thing the caterpillar is smoking in Alice in Wonderland*.


*Yes, Disney movies are my only base of reference for drugs. Heck, it was years before I figured out smoking doesn't turn people into donkeys. (Although when the "no smoking" sign is present, it does turn them into jackasses. Booyah! Up high! Haha!)

Belly Cakes, Continued

I believe I ended yesterday by saying that belly cakes were in dire need of some serious sex appeal. Well fortunately, a couple of Anony Mice have come to the rescue. Now then, I'll just cue up some sexy saxophone "Muzak" for atmosphere...

[Accordion instrumental of the "Chicken Dance" begins to play]

Whoops! Haha! Sorry - wrong CD. [fumbling with disks]

[Sax rendition of "Whole New World" begins]

Theeere we go. Much better. Ok. Y'all ready?

Ta Da!

Or should I say "Ta Ta?" [wicked grin]

Something about this brings the image of Han Solo frozen in carbonite to mind. But hey, killer nips!

Still, it's just not sexy enough, you know? I mean, it still has some clothes on.

Enter the "Sexy Suds" belly cake!

This clean bit of fun was submitted by the baker herself, although she asked to remain anonymous. And hey, it IS a beautifully done cake - it's just also a pregnant torso wearing nothing but bubbles. (Woo woo woo!)

But you wanna know the best part? Anony writes:

"The highlight was that the belly was filled with custard and with a tacky little plastic baby inside. When the Mom-to-be cut into the cake she had to use forceps (kitchen-tongs) to remove the plastic baby. Honestly, it was VERY funny at the time."

Oh I believe you, my friend - I do. Just remember: It's all fun and games 'til it ends up on Cake Wrecks*. Or 'til mom-to-be's in in the delivery room talking smack and brandishing a pair of kitchen tongs. One of the two, anyway. ;)


*I admit it: This is a shameless plug to sell more CW aprons.

Return of the Belly Cake

So tell me, how long's it been since you stared at a pregnant woman's naked belly?

Wow, that long? Well, have no fear! As long as belly cakes are made, I promise to never let you forget what a pregnant woman's torso looks like. Or at least a fondant-covered version of one, anyway. Consider it my personal Cake Wrecks guarantee to you.

You're welcome.

Now, you would be forgiven for seeing a bald Ziggy doll in a bib here at first. (I know I sure did.) After all, I don't think I've ever featured a belly cake with the oh-so-authentic "belly line" before.

Speaking of which: When I first saw this cake I had no idea what that line was or why it was there, since I've never been pregnant. So I mentioned it to a then-pregnant friend. My friend was quite helpful and, despite my protests, insisted on whipping up her dress to show me the line on her own belly. Which was...unexpected. Kelly R., I have you to thank for that bit of enlightenment. So thanks. Really.


I used to think that part of the belly cake's creepiness was due to its having no head. Then Melody W. sent this in:


And I totally changed my mind.

By the way, I've never seen a belly button look quite so much like a...well... belly button before. It totally looks like a tufted pillow. Or maybe the end of a giant hot dog. [head tilt] Ok, yeah: let's stick with "pillow."

You know what these belly cakes are missing, though? No, no, besides that. Sex appeal, that's what. Totally. Tune in tomorrow for a few spicy numbers that you are sure to remember far, far into the future. Like, deathbed future, even. (I'm trying to ramp up your sense of anticipation. Is it working?)

Sunday Sweets: Game On!

Sunday Sweets is my weekly NON-Wreck feature, the better to show how wrecky the Wrecks are.

This week I'm featuring some classic game Sweets. We all know there are TONS of video game console cakes out there, but what about the classics? You know, board games, card games, that kind of thing? Well, here's what I've got so far:

Here's the perfect board game to celebrate an 80th birthday: LIFE!

(Found by Veronica K here, and reportedly made by "that Ace of Cakes guy." Heh.)

Or how about a perfectly sweet Candy Land cake:

(Found by Cristy J, and also made by Charm City Cakes.)

And I just love this Taboo cake:

The most impressive part of this cake, though, is the young lady who made it. Melia is sixteen, and makes cakes as often as friends and family will let her. So check out her site here, and take heart that the future of cake art seems to be in good hands.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm getting a real nostalgia jolt from some of these cakes over here. Remember Operation?

(Found by Jessica C. over on Pink Cake Box.)

It even comes with tweezers! Nice touch. Now if we can just find a Hungry Hungry Hippos cake, my trip down memory lane will be complete. (Oh - and Mouse Trap. And maybe Battleship, although I'm not sure that counts as a board game.)

Here's one for my good friend John G.:

(Submitted by Myra B., who ordered it from Piece-A-Cake Bakery.)

For those of you who don't know, the game's called Carcassonne, and John G. digs it. I played it once, but I'm definitely more of a Pictionary kind of girl. At any rate, this sweet cake is our Fondant-Free Sweet of the week.

How about a few unconventional Chess sets? First, one in the kickin' Harry Potter style:

(Submitted first by Omegamom, and made by Bronte Cakes.)

Cool, huh? Believe it or not (I didn't at first) each chess piece is handmade without any molds. If you look closely, you'll see that they are all in fact slightly different:

Bron (the baker) also reports that it took two months to make all those pieces out of sugarpaste. Yowza.

And lastly, here's Dahlia's far more whimsical take on a Chess set:

You know me: I'm lovin' all those colors. The side texture is gorgeous, too.


That's it for now! If you have a classic game cake (or any other amazing cake design) you'd like to share, just send it to me at Sunday Sweets [at] Cake Wrecks [dot] com.

Or, if you have an idea for the world's best Geek cake, submit it here for the chance to see your design brought to life by Melissa of Wild Cakes. I'll be helping Melissa & the Great White Snark himself choose the winning entry, and the resulting cake will be featured here and on GWS. So get your geeky creative juices flowing, and enter as many different ideas as you like.

Magic Eye

Stare at this cake long enough, and a message will appear - like magic!


Helen P., I get the feeling that "mum" really minds her 'c's and 'u's.

These Cakes Are Not Wrecks (But They Play Them on TV)

So I had an "industry insider*" send me a bunch of photos a while ago from various TV shows celebrating their 100th episode or whatnot. Sadly, there's not much Wreckage here to report (although the Charmed & Boston Legal ones are a little rough), but I thought you might find them interesting anyway. Of course, I have been known to be wrong before...

Those letters are actually 3D. Kinda cool.


This one came with a side of famous feet.

The power of...faded flames?

If you look closely, you'll see there's a glass of scotch on the first tier. Hm. Perhaps the decorator was banking on the age-old adage "Everything looks better through wine-colored glasses."

I like all the medical implements placed around the cake - particularly the little metal tray thingie. I remember throwing up into a larger version of one of those after getting my tonsils removed as a child. [gazing off wistfully] Ah, memories. 'Course, I never thought I'd associate that particular memory with cake, though.


Many thanks to my anonymous industry insider!


*And let me tell ya: I've always wanted one of those.