Thursday, November 12, 2009

Throw the Bouquet (Away)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I can't tell you how many wedding Wrecks I've seen salvaged with nothing more than a few well-placed bunches of fresh flowers.

These...are not those saves.

Believe it or not, that's a 3-tiered cake. See how effectively the gigantic seed pods hide the flaws in the top tier? They ran out for the bottom two, though, and were forced to randomly spill stuff on the table cloth to help "distract the eye." Cocoa powder or dirt? That is the question.

Other questions come to mind here, however:

Questions like: "Why?" and, "Why?" and, "For the love of pretty pastry platters, WHY?!?"


Since fresh flowers do have the nasty tendency of dying, though, I bet some of you are asking why bakers don't just use fake ones.

I will answer your question [dramatic pause]...with another question:

Ever contemplate sucking icing off a fabric leaf?

(Don't worry, this was not a wedding cake. It was a 20th wedding anniversary cake. Which, you know, makes it all better.)

Still, at least you can always count on silk flowers to be dust-free, hygienic, and easy to sanitize. That's why it's OK to just jam them all in the icing:


[blink blink]

BWAHAHAHAHAHA HOOHAA HEEHAHAH!



[wiping eyes] Dust free! Heehee! Ah, I crack myself up sometimes.

You know, Amy, Kasey R., & Anony M., I give "deadpan" a good name. I call it "Fuzzywuzzkins."

- Related Wreckage: Wedding Wrecks
Gary said...

Did a bomb hit that last cake, or was it dropped out of a third-story window?

Natalee said...

When I got married this summer, I was really hoping for a Cake Wreck. However, Mine was lovely and frankly, nothing compared to these. I definitely would pay to have one of those at MY party!!! Woo!

Natballs said...

As long as it doesn't taste how it looks... right?

Juno said...

Oh dear, I think I'd rather just pick some flowers from the side of the road or use a single maple leaf, or ANYTHING besides a mess of icing covered fabric flowers. Yikes!

Galadriel said...

My wedding cake was absolutely salvaged by a few well-placed flowers. The top/second layer was perched on four unsteady columns, and the one child at my wedding bumped into the table and toppled it.

A guest swooped in, grabbed the tumbling top layer before it fell off the table. She removed the columns and stuck the top layer smack on top of the first... grabbed a bunch of flowers and stuck them everywhere the icing was impacted, and it almost looked intentional. Fantastic.

Emily said...

I really hope that the happy (?) couples had a doctor on hand. Yikes!

Anonymous said...

That poor second cake; methinks there is a fungus among us.

==Blue Jean

Anonymous said...

I always cry at weddings to begin with, but it's never continued into the reception. Until now, I mean.

Punk said...

Um...

I think the second cake is looking at me...

*shudder*
*walking away slowly so as to not startle the cake*

Haiku Joy said...

Have the silkies sat
in the window as long as
display cakes? Horrors!

joanne said...

OMG, are you sure people PAID for these things?

I am at a loss for words for #1. Or I was. How bad was the top layer that they completely had to cover it? Why didn't they cover the icing landslide in the back? Good luck saving the top layer in the freezer for the first anniversary--and picking leaves out of it.

#2--looks like it's bleeding. Green. Why would it be bleeding green? Do I really need to ask? It's also lopsided I think. Love the presentation though, on what looks like a crushed pizza box. How--elegant. Some of those white daisies are blending in a little too well with the icing flowers. Careful what you bite into, people!

And #3: The flowers look like they're attacking the cake. How will anyone be able to cut the cake through all that wire? And if you try to pry off the flowers--there goes the icing. Nice. Real nice.

Are you sure they paid?

Stacey said...

The first cake looks like it was a badly made cake AND on top of that it didn't survive the trip to the reception (note the smeared icing on the back).

The anniversary cake is the first cake I would have ever turned down :)

drgns4vr said...

That third cake can not possibly be a professional job! It must have been done by a mother who allowed her preschoolers to help. Oh, I know, the grandkids did it for grandma and grandpa's party, right?

JD Greenwood said...

"#2--looks like it's bleeding. Green. Why would it be bleeding green?"

It's a Vulcan cake ;)

joanne said...

You know, I wish I thought of salvaging my cake with flowers. The florist had come and gone before I saw what was wrong with my cake. She probably thought I wanted those fat dancing cherubs holding up the middle layer so they were left nice and naked and exposed. (I told the photographer not to waste too much film on the cake.) I should have been more specific when I said "no columns."
I didn't know the term was "stacked." And the maitre d' was the one who took the order *faceslap* (never met the baker)

Anonymous said...

Wow! These are disgusting.

Jenn said...

Oh my, that third cake doesn't look like it has fake flowers stuck IN it, it looks like it has a long flower garland WRAPPED AROUND it. Somehow, that's worse!

joanne said...

You Anonymous commenters are cracking me up today!

Typo Tat said...

Disgusting. The first thing I thought when I saw that plastic flower cake is that I'd never touch it with a ten foot fork.

Eww. I'd rather eat the Lenin cake.

Half Assed Kitchen said...

How about some nice, dried, shedding purple status? That'd be a distraction.

Hobbit said...

Once again I'm reminded to serve pie at my wedding.
Yeah, those are not appetizing. But very funny. Thanks for the morning giggle.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that under the flowers of the last example, there's no cake to be found at all, just a pile of wadded-up tissues. You know, like the kind your grandmother always pulls out of her sleeves? So what's the big complaint-- those flowers are actually doing everyone a big favor.

Surfie said...

The tiers in that first cake look like wonky couch cushions.

MarliO said...

My favourite bit is the line of black spider-like flowers escaping down the side of the first cake. Mmm spiders.

Kristan said...

Oh my goodness, these are cakes from professionals??? I will never question my own cakes (an amateur but better than these) again. Wowzers!

maya said...

hmmm...i never thought of frozen peas on a cake. i bet that tastes fantastical and not at all like crap. appropriate, since it is cake #2.

Kimberly Chapman said...

Occasionally when I am in the craving for yummy cake goodness but not in the mood to do anything fancy, I make what I call "ugly cake". It's just a French vanilla box mix with extra vanilla added, topped by a quick plop-n-spread of Alton Brown's ganache recipe (albeit with slightly darker chocolate because my hubby and I like it that way).

We celebrate the relative ugliness of this cake. I do not worry about levelling or if the upper layer forces a bit of ganache out the side to create that ripple-look. It is a cake of freedom from worry about aesthetics.

But I must say, even my ugliest ugly cake is far and away a better, smoother icing job than any of these. And I'm just a hobbyist, so it's just being eaten at home in private!

WTF IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?! Who the hell sells a cake that looks that horrid? Okay, I'll buy the "didn't speak English clearly" excuse for the Falker Sautherhoods of the world, but come on, at least most of those scary samples looked like someone had tried to make a smooth coating.

Seriously, who are the professional dingbats who let such monstrosities out into public?

*runs away screaming and wailing*

Evalis said...

these remind me of Kudzu vines. Soon the cake will be completely buried beneath the foliage.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kudzu
scroll down to the 'ecological invasion' section to see pics of what i'm talking about here.

Jiminycricket said...

From the background in the second picture, you can tell just how fresh these flowers are-- we have here a flower pot, and some scissors for stem trimming fun!

Unfortunately, all too many of the blooms that made it in either a) have no petals left, or b) are of a color that only comes from baking flowers a while in the oven. But to be fair, it seems that she's not done, um, "arranging" yet...

Rebecca Welch said...

oh my...when flowers attack!

Ms Avery said...

Planning my wedding just got scarier.

Amy said...

Sometimes, the bakers just need to admit the mistake, and do better. Fail.

Amy B-H
wv: 'ables' I hope the buyers were ables to get a refund..

Emma9405 said...

Has anyone seen the new commercial for the Flip video camera? I saw it last night and nearly spit my juice out all over my poor boyfriend. It features a guy filming with his new Flip camera, and he films a picture of a gorgeous wedding cake and says something like "This is a picture of the cake we ordered," then pans over to a HIDEOUS wreck, and says "This is what we got," then pans over to his fiance who looks beyond pissed/miserable. Absolutely Wrecktastic. A must-see for all the Cake Wreck fans.

Crystal said...

The first cake reminds me of Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors. "Feed me, Seymour..."

I think the chances are good that it's red, er...velvet.

Melissa (& Billy) said...

The daisies are so traumatized by their wrecky cake that they are crying kelly green tears of humiliation.

The rest...*shudder* I'm sooooo glad my wedding is done! The only thing my baker messed up was forgetting the topper. I was very willing to overlook that since the cake was on time, looked great, and tasted delicious!

Oh, Mandy said...

Is that an actual fern frond sticking out of the top of the first cake?

And are the toxicity test reports for these cakes back yet? The guests are waiting...


WV: imwsaman: Ina4mrlife, ithnk imwsaman. Itwsa loteasier.

Dear Baby said...

Joanne, Thank you! That was my sentiment. As I look at these cakes, there are obvious mistakes but some of these are just so poorly done I have a hard time believing they are proffessional. After all, who would accept it in that condition and pay for it? I can understand damage during transport or melting frosting due to humidity but todays didn't appear to be suffering from that. Just attrocious work by people with out skills.

TanuvasaCasa said...

cake #1...I'm guessing that it's dirt from the flowerpot that they grabbed those flowers out of...check the dirt trail leading up from the hotel lobby. I'm sure there's an empty flower pot on the check in desk.

I've actually been asked to make my first wedding cake...it's nice to know if all else fails, bombard it with flowers and no one will be the wiser. Thanks for the tip! :)

Anonymous said...

Is the last cake on a floral tablecloth, or do the flowers just go on and on? Call me Mr. No Depth Perception.

Anonymous said...

You people make my day.

Every day.

Long live wrecks. It seems like there is a limitless supply!

Little Lovables said...

I once saw a wedding cake by a lady in our church at a wedding just a few months before mine (she was going to make my wedding cake).

It was one of these bombs with fake flowers just thrown all over it, some dust included and the 3 layers cakes was all smashed and toppled looking too.

Gah, I canceled my order with her stat!

Catharine said...

too funny!

Michaela said...

Now I know why my marriage ended in a divorce! I had a perfect cake. With one of these 'treasures' I would have my 17th anniversary, srly!

I so hope for a wreck at my 40th birthday next year! :D

Bye Michaela

Lisa said...

At my sister's wedding 11 years ago, the Maid of Honor and I had the the most honorable duty of cutting and passing out the cake. One of the groomsmen walked by the gazebo and bumped the 1/4 sheet cake that we had set aside while we cut the other cake. It landed in the bark dust. We picked it up and brushed of the big pieces. When we finally had to cut into the sheet cake, we started telling people it was chocolate sprinkles....

Brooke said...

Fuzzywuzzkins!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rhilborn said...

I like the subtle Veggie Tales reference, very nice:).

susannie said...

Seed pods on a cake? Yikes.. Not a fan of real flowers on cake in general, but pods? iiih!

Anonymous said...

The last cake looks like they just glopped whipped cream all over it instead of frosting, and even if it's not, the thought of it really is making my stomach heave :(

Shawnette said...

I don't think anyone has yet discussed the fact that the cake board--or more appropriately, cardboard--under the 2nd "cake" has printed on it "this insert for use with 14" foil covered cake drum." Perhaps they assumed guests would be so horrified by the cake that they wouln't look long enough to notice? Or perhaps it's simply proof that this paticular wreckerator doesn't follow ANYONE'S instructions.

Anonymous said...

OH
DEAR
GOD