Ow.

I'm pretty sure I just burst a blood vessel in my right eye, looking at this.

[squinting] From what I can see, this appears to be a pimp-mobile on a suicide run through a radioactive river of blood - only it's a radioactive river of blood with jaunty blue outlining.

I love the extra cupcake stuck on the side, too: what's that supposed to be? A pit stop?

If you want to give yourself a migraine, try reading what it says in front of the car. Don't see any writing? Look closer. No, closer. Let's see...I think it says...

Dang it!

There went the other eye.



Jen E., I think you owe me a bottle of Visine.

Drew's Birthday Wish

“Aaaaand here comes the birthday boy’s cake! Now, Drew, remember when your father and I asked you what you wanted for your birthday, and you said you wanted a second Xbox 360 for your game room, and we said no? You do? Well, do you remember what you asked to get for your birthday after that? (Look at me when I’m talking to you, young man.) Do you remember? No? C’mon, why don’t you tell your aunts and uncles and grandparents what you told us you wanted for your birthday, hmmm?”

[incoherent mumbling]

“What was that, sweetie? Did you say you asked for your father and I to die horrible deaths? Because that’s what I remember you asking for – isn’t that right, Charles? Isn’t that what Drew wanted for his birthday? Well, Drew, I’m so sorry we couldn’t oblige you this year – but maybe we WILL die horrible deaths one year soon, and then won’t you feel terrible for making that kind of request for your birthday? Well? Won’t you?"

[slamming cake down]

"So, hahah, here’s your birthday cake! Isn’t it lovely? I just hope that when your father and I really are rotting in our graves you’ll remember today, and you’ll think about how hurtful words can be."

[smiling brightly] "Now, who wants ice cream?"

Get Me Holly Hobbie's Head on a Platter!

I guess its the camera angle, but every time I look at this cake I see a baby head wearing a giant bonnet. And yes, a body-less baby would be a little disquieting, but I think you could make the case that a Baby Burrito is just as bad. What's wrong with a Baby Burrito, you ask? Several things. Allow me to list them for you:

1) Ok, first off, check out the baby's expression. It's no easy feat to achieve a look that's both dead-eyed and horrified at the same time, but this baker just has those kind of skills.
2) Next, try to imagine the position the baby's body would have to be in to have his (it's supposed to be a boy - more on that in a minute) chin lying flat on the table and his body stretched out behind. Who needs that pesky spinal cord anyway, am I right?
3) Baby is packing some serious junk in the trunk: check out that badonk-a-donk rump*!
4) There are no arms. Which, come to think of it, might explain reason #1.


Part of why I love all your e-mail submissions, folks, is that I have the option of grilling you for more details. In this case, I had to ask for a little more explanation regarding the, er, display. Wrecks reader Katie explained that the blue & white blanket was added to, and I quote, "boy it up", since the general consensus was that the cake was too feminine. And that black thing? That's a duck whistle. Yeah. It was also added to be, and again I quote "another signifier of the male gender". Yeah - a duck whistle.

Katie C, your family rocks.



*My sincere apologies to all R&B artists, individuals under 25, and non-honky people in general for attempting to use "hip" slang. I promise it won't happen again.

By Show of Hands, Who Thinks We Should Call Child Protective Services?

It's bad enough that this cake seems to be using "full belly" as some kind of euphemism. Add in the picture of the scruffy-looking guy with his arms around a couple of kids, and surrounded by other children in various states of frolicking - all while in a secluded forest, I might add - and you've got some seriously disturbing cake imagery going on.

Considering the degree of wrongness already reached by those two issues, I almost feel petty in pointing out that there's no "a" before "dream".

Just call me petty, I guess.



Dana S., maybe we should look up that number...

There's Something to be Said for Consistency...

But in this case, nothing positive. (These were supposed to say "Dirrrty Thirty".)




Dawn P, thanks for providing us with Wrecks that give our gag reflex a break. :)

Bringing a Whole New Meaning to "Foot in Mouth"

Yes, it's supposed to be a foot: a "Chinese Lotus (Bound) Foot" to be precise. (It's what the Chinese used to do to their women's feet, back when the thought of fallen arches struck terror in the hearts of mere mortals.)

Yes, it was for a podiatrist. Because when a doctor is forced to look at and/or handle other people's feet all day every day, I'm sure said doctor can think of nothing more appealing than eating a giant version of one of the most hideous foot deformities possible. ("Alright! Please, tell me you got Pistachio ice cream to go with!?!")

This is one instance where I actually pity the baker responsible; to make this, she had to reference an actual photo. (All together now! Ewwwwww.) Click here to see her Flickr account, which has a link to the photo.

B.F., I think the toenails have got to be the worst part.

Freud Would Have a Field Day

Let's take a moment to really absorb the full impact of this wedding "cake". Drink it all in: the stacked strawberries, the bananas, the unfortunately positioned apricots ON the bananas, the rockin' plaid suit in the background...

Don't ask me for details; I have none. I will say, however, that if wedding cakes are meant to be symbolic, this couple is really looking forward to the wedding night. C'mon: banana towers? With apricot rings on the tips? At the epicenter of some kind of icing/oat/fruit explosion? (Ahh, but were they wild oats? Oh!)

"Sure, no, of course we believe you guys when you say you just wanted a 'healthy alternative' to traditional cake. And that 10 minutes you spent feeding each other bananas in front of everyone? Sure, that was kind of awkward, and the kids are asking a lot of questions now, but we know it was just 'cuz you both really like bananas. A lot."

Say, do you suppose this was the bride's going-away cake?

The Name's Wreck. Cake Wreck.

This cake may technically be a wreck, but it's a freakin' sweet wreck. And get this: it's a wedding cake. Awww yeeeah [cue Bond music: dum da da dum da da da...].

Check out the details, folks: from the crashed plane and face-down henchman (my favorite) to the bad guy scaling the back and the bullet holes peppering the second tier, this is one detailed Bond diorama. And don't get me started on the blasted-off columns of the top tier: that's an engineering marvel all on its own. So sorry, but I haven't got a single criticism to offer here: just wanted to share a rare diamond in all this cake roughage.

Ann W. & Dayna B., nice one.

UPDATE: Thanks to David Malki !, the cake's designer, I can now tell you that this work of art was created by Mike's Amazing Cakes. The top layer is indeed styrofoam, and the plane is actually a model of one David flies. You can visit the original site here, where you'll also see the coolest idea to hit a wedding in a long time: an entire wedding party in coordinating Converse sneakers. Awesomeness.

Somewhere in Kabul, There is an Italian Bakery

No, that's not the opening line for a joke; there really is an Italian bakery in Afghanistan. It's also where today's cakes come from. Let's see what our military folk are getting for their birthdays, shall we?

Not bad, not bad - although it looks like the cake suffered from a little friendly fire. But what's up with all the random silver balls? It reminds me of those plastic bubble mazes we had when we were kids.

Wait, I can explain this one! Submitter Sara writes, "One of my guys was a reservist who had been a male stripper, hence the naked rear."

Ewwkay. Wait, [head tilt] do you guys see a naked rear? Kind of looks like pants to me - or shorts, I should say. And the shading - why?

But most importantly: we're sending MALE STRIPPERS to Kabul?!? Dang, joining the army has never seemed so appealing - am I right, ladies? I mean, assuming this picture is not representative of what said strippers actually look like...


This is like one of those old Magic Eye pictures: I simultaneously see a bear and an armadillo. But before I can decide which it is, I'm distracted by all those baffling silver balls again. I guess the Italians use them like sprinkles - metallic, molar-breaking sprinkles, but sprinkles all the same.



Sara C., for the cakes, and for all you do on our behalf, thank you.

You Too Can Prevent Random Quotation Marking

Don’t let this happen to someone you love. Think of poor "Anber", who will always wonder whether or not she’ll be missed. Get educated about the proper use of quotation marks, so that, together, we can make cakes like these a thing of the past.

And for more fantastic quotation mark snafoos, check out the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. Good stuff.

Thanks to Carrie Z. for sending this in!

The First Censored Cake Wreck

Egads, people, what is going on at today's baby showers?!? First the boobie cake, then the edible baby, and now this!

Obviously, this is wrong on a level so VERY wrong that it doesn't really need elaboration. However, I feel compelled to point out that the, er, "mom" here has the face of a blow-up doll, is completely nekkid (is that a new trend in delivery rooms?), and is anatomically correct where you wouldn't expect her to be (ergo the censor bars - sorry, fellas!).

I'm picturing the games they played at this baby shower: "Pin the Epidural", "Catch the After-birth", and of course the ever popular "Guess Whose Hoo-Haw?". Yeesh - just what do you suppose the party favors were? No, wait, let's not go there...


(Liz P., thanks for sharing - I think.)

UPDATE: I am both surprised and amused at the number of you moms out there who have let it be known that not only is the whole "nekkid" delivery thing in vogue, but you have partaken of the activity yourself. A little TMI, yes, but I can honestly say I've learned something here. (Never post nekkid fondant figures again. Like, ever.)

This Week on Antiques Road Show...

It's rare to find authentic vintage cakes these days, but here we have a remarkably well preserved pair circa 1963. Note the "risque" surfer girl figurine - complete with original fabric lingerie! - and of course the matching surfer "dude" in a similarly provocative pose.

If you look here on the sides [pointing with metal expandable pointer-thingy] you'll see designs quite reminiscent of either wicker or macrame, both ancient arts most fortuitously abandoned once the nation as a whole shook off the decade's marijuana-induced haze. And speaking of marijuana, [looking over glasses] that is what was most likely used to make this "grass": the leaves were often crumbled onto cakes as an added "flavor enhancer". I suspect we could also blame marijuana for the overall lack of aesthetic appeal, but of course that's merely conjecture on my part. [pompous chortling]

Ahem. Yes, well.

There has been some damage inflicted on the icing over the years, and that frilly lace collar was no doubt added by a later owner, but - and here's the really exciting part - if you turn the cakes over like so, you can still just make out the original "Made in China" label. Exquisite.

(Submitted by my very own hubby, John. Thanks, Behbe!)

When Teletubbies Need More Fiber

I'll grant you that this cake is passable, although the design is a bit loose and it does seem like there should be a bow where the blue "ribbons" intersect. But, I can't stop staring at those peaked mounds; they way they're swirled and formed makes the cake look like it was the Teletubbies' squatting ground. (Not that this is the first time, either..) Just what was the designer going for? They're too large for dots, too irregular (heh - get it? Irregular?) to be a pattern - I'm stumped.

[shrug] Well, I guess the designer just wanted the cake to have more movement. (Bah-dum-bum!)

The Airbrush: Saving Cake Decorators from Decorating for Over 10 Years

Someone really needs to pry the airbrush out of the hands of these cake decorators; it’s impeding the art. I can almost see the commercial now…

“Spending too much time designing and decorating your cakes? Want a fast, easy way that requires absolutely no forethought? Buy an airbrush! Yes, folks, that’s right: just load any random color in this little beauty and spray away to your heart’s content – no rhyme, reason, or pattern necessary! Is your cake lop-sided? Icing cracking or runny? Are you artistically challenged, or even color-blind? NO PROBLEM!! Once your customers see that you actually own a food-grade airbrush, they’ll have to think you’re a pro! So call today!"

This unhealthy dependence may call for a nation-wide intervention, folks.

Don’t Laugh; They’re "Special"

I think these guys should team up with the poison bon-bon cake, given the fatality risk of eating real puffer fish. At least, I think those are supposed to be puffer fish; the one on the right (my right, people) looks a bit like a smushed hedgehog – all he needs are some tire treads across the back. Come to think of it, that would explain the bug-eyes...

If this continues, I may have to start a "Poisonous" category - something I never would have imagined needing on a cake blog. What next? Poison Dart Frog cakes? (You know they're out there, don't you? Let's see who can find one first. And...Go!!)


Many thanks to Mary P. for sharing her catch.

And Now for Something Completely Different

[through intercom, with British accent] “Ms. Jones, could you come in here, please?”
- door opens and closes -
“Yes, Mr. Reynaldo?”
“Ms. Jones, about that cake in the conference room…”
“Yes, sir?”
“I’m not sure it’s entirely appropriate for the board meeting.”
“I did make sure it said ‘Mr. Reynaldo’ on it, and not ‘Nigel’, sir.”
“Yes. No, I do appreciate that. But, ah, about the photo on it…”
“Don’t you like it, sir?”


“I’m sure it’s quite nice, Ms. Jones, but who is it?”
“I don’t quite know, sir. Why do you ask?”
[pause]
“Ms. Jones, I’m not gay, you know, I’m British.”
“Really? Are you sure, sir?”
“’Course I’m bloody sure!”
“Sorry, sir. It’s so hard to tell the difference, you know.”
“I’m sodding married!”
“Yes, but Mrs. Reynaldo won’t be attending the board meeting, sir.”
[brightening] “Oh, really? Well, alright then. Carry on, Ms. Jones, carry on.”



(Why? Three reasons: because I doubt I’ll ever find a cake with a dead parrot on it, I think “Nigel Reynaldo” would be the awesomest name ever, and for my new friend Anthony, of “Oh, you’re British? I thought you were just gay” fame.)

Lost in Translation?

I know what you're thinking, you crass people, you. You're just bursting to say something devastatingly witty that involves the word "crap" right now, aren't you? Uh-huh; I knew it.

Alright, then, rather than stifle it, let's just get this all out of systems, shall we? It'll be cathartic. Turn to the person next to you...what, there's no one nearby? Ok, go get someone. I'll wait.

Ok, are there at least 2 of you here now? Good. Now, look at the cake, turn to the person(s) next to you, and make all the obvious, disgusting, and profane jokes you can think of. You get extra points for saying the exact same thing at the same time. Running low on material? Try guessing what that inscription says, or what occasion the cake was for. (For example: Just-Found-Out-My-Boyfriend-Is-Cheating-On-Me Day, with an inscription that includes the word "eat".)

All done? Got it all out of your system? Can we discuss this like rational adults now?

Nah, I didn't think so, either.



Before you comment: yes, we all know what it looks like, people, so there's no need to spell it out for us, mmkay? Let's try to keep our comments as clean as possible, or failing that, to at least use the "*" key when necessary. Thanks, all!

The Creepiness Continues

Not all Cake Wrecks are a result of poor construction, as you can see from this example. Some cake artists just seem to forget that, at the end of the day, their creation is meant to be eaten. Can you seriously imagine being told to slice up and serve this cake?

And baby shower cakes seem to be the worst offenders in this vein. People, try to think outside the box, will you? Just because the occasion has "baby" in the name doesn't mean the cake has to BE a baby, mmkay? You don't see bridal shower cakes made to look like the bride, do you? Oh, wait - scratch that example...

But getting back to this cake - I think the worst part is that the baby is staring at me. No, really - check out the right eye. [shudder] Dang, that would be spine-tingling even if it were a real baby, you know? (And can you imagine being the person who gets served that eye? Eeeek- I'm going to give myself nightmares.) Call me finicky, but I really can't eat anything that looks like its looking at me.

Still not creeped out? Then watch the video of this cake's construction. The final few seconds are the stuff horror flicks are made of ("The eye! It's opening! Aaauggh!!!).

Inspiration vs Perspiration

I know this post is going to test the limits of my credibility with you, faithful Cake Wrecks readers, so here is the originating site, provided by Summer from TX, to prove I am not making this up.


First, the inspiration:

Which isn't bad, I guess, if you've got a Brave Heart kind of vibe going for your wedding. Certainly it's executed well.


Anyway, here is what the paid, "professional" baker provided:



Erm.

[glancing between the two photos]

It’s like seeing double, isn’t it? I mean, sure, the second one is collapsed in on itself, slumped over to one side, and channeling a bit more Bob Marley than William Wallace, but besides all that I’d say the decorator was bang on, wouldn’t you? Ok, ok, if you wanted to get picky about it, I guess that crack in the bottom – the one you can see the cake through? – that probably should have been iced over. Oh, and the red stripe might look a little nicer if it were one continuous line – or for that matter, if the line were straight. (Perhaps a little too much Red Stripe was consumed before icing the red stripe, eh? Eh? Come on, that was freakin’ hilarious, people: Bob Marley? Jamaican beer? Booya!)

Come to think of it, maybe that mass of squiggles in the mid section isn’t the best example of plaid I’ve ever seen, either. [tilting head to one side] Huh. Yeah. Ok, Summer, you got me: I can sort of see why the bride sued.

I Respectfully Disagree

I can think of a few things that might make Chuck Norris cry:

1) Seeing this cake

2) Having his body in the position pictured (since his spinal cord would have to be severed from twisting 180 degrees).

3) Realizing that his fan base has degenerated into noodle-armed cubicle-dwellers who honestly think the only difference between them and him is a big gun and a pair of 80’s aviator glasses.

Sorry, Chuck.


UPDATE: Many thanks to alert reader Penny for pointing out the spelling mistake on "doesn't"! [wiping eyes] My little Cake Wrecks readers - all grown up and spotting errors on their own!

I Think I Just Lost My Appetite

People, I’ve seen some bad cakes in my time, alright? Poor execution, bizarre subject matter, awful color choices - you name it. Still, nothing has ever made this baked-goods-addict put down her fork until today.

This looks like something the baker found moldering in an old shower, covered with fuzz. It's shiny, but lumpy. The brown and bile-green meld together just a little too organically - and is that a spot of acid yellow I see under the pile of green in the upper left corner? Speaking of which, what is that green stringy crap supposed to be? It’s just randomly plopped on in disgusting wriggly masses....

[averting eyes and taking deep breaths]



Urk. Ok, sorry - back to the commentary...

And that texture: short of applying the icing with a brillo pad, I don’t know how one would achieve such a pitted, uneven surface. Was there a shortage of spatulas? Of icing? Of people who can see colors? Sure, I get that this is supposed to be camouflage, but do the personnel at toxic waste dumps even wear camouflage?

Beyond Bizarre: The New Category

I cannot stop staring at this cake. It just sits there, taunting me with its bizarreness, daring me to explain the spinning ring of fire, the glistening blob of golden jello, the dripping Double Dare slime, and the oddly precious pink ruffles. Is it a birthday cake? Anniversary? Year of the Cat? What?

What are you, fire/jello/slime/ruffle cake?

[tortured whisper yell] What are you?

Break Out the Sparklers

Only in America can the nation's flag be jammed up an eagle's butt as a tribute.

Happy 4th, Folks!

You Say Goodbye, and I Say Hello

It's ironic that a cake meant to welcome a new baby into the world looks so funereal, don't you think? The only thing missing is a miniature carnation wreath at the foot of the cask... er, I mean bassinet.

I can't decide if having the baby's eyes open make it less creepy, or more. Still, at least you're not expected to eat the baby itself - so, you know, it's got that much going for it.

A Snarky Shout-Out

Check out Great White Snark's most recent post: the top 5 awful R2D2 cakes. Sure, they're home-made and therefore don't qualify as Cake Wrecks, but the commentary is freakin' hilarious. Go. Read. Enjoy.