Sunday, July 6, 2008

Beyond Bizarre: The New Category

Sunday, July 6, 2008

I cannot stop staring at this cake. It just sits there, taunting me with its bizarreness, daring me to explain the spinning ring of fire, the glistening blob of golden jello, the dripping Double Dare slime, and the oddly precious pink ruffles. Is it a birthday cake? Anniversary? Year of the Cat? What?

What are you, fire/jello/slime/ruffle cake?

[tortured whisper yell] What are you?
Chris said...

I'm totally not getting the golden-translucent apple on top. And that darned green slime is the most disturbing part in my book.

I'm guessing the order placed was, "We want something big. Something totally over the top. Something to make their jaws drop." They failed, of course, to specify why those jaws should be dropping.

Pity that it's now out of astonishment, disbelief, and revulsion.

Annie Welch said...

Is that waiter in the background grimacing or smiling?

Laura Anes said...

Believe it or not the glowing flower on top starts out looking like a tulip, all closed up. Then you light the top of it, it explodes like a giant sparkler, then the petals of the flower open up and the candles appear on the tips of the petals already lit! The best part is that is spins and sings Happy Birthday at the same time! YIKES!

compwhizmm said...

You can get this candle at musicalflowercandle.com!

Jen said...

Laura, that is absolutely insane. Compwhizmm, thanks for answering my next question: where can I get one? :)

Anonymous said...

If you make a cake out of this post, leave the apostrophe out of "it's" or it COULD end up on Cake Wrecks :-)

MaryO said...

Preppy cake gone bad.... really bad. Another ROTFLMAO! Too much!

Jen said...

Why is it that "anonymous" is the only one willing to correct my spelling errors? Thanks, though; that whole its/it's thing has always been my grammatical Achilles heel. I like to think I wouldn't post a cake for such a minor mistake, though.

origamifreak said...

"The center of the candle has an unexpected high flame and the plastic petals could ignite resulting in melting and dripping plastic. The ignited plastic could also spread to nearby combustibles and pose a fire hazard to consumers. The battery contained in the middle of candle could eventually explode."

Yikes, indeed!

http://www.consumeraffairs.com/recalls04/2005/skylighter.html

Annalisa Ure said...

I like this cake!
;)

Night Owl said...

This is what happens when you click the "All of the above" box when selecting your cake from the catalog.

Biblio Reader said...

" 'The center of the candle has an unexpected high flame and the plastic petals could ignite resulting in melting and dripping plastic. The ignited plastic could also spread to nearby combustibles and pose a fire hazard to consumers. The battery contained in the middle of candle could eventually explode.'

Yikes, indeed!"

This is ohsotrue. My family has tried this insane contraption (bought somewhere in Chinatown) twice, and both times the petals melt together. If you poke at them until the spring apart, the individual petals will continue to melt. All the while, the Happy Birthday song gets higher-pitched and screechy from the melting, until it's a constant ear-piercing whine. Then it begins to melt plastic onto the cake. And there appears to be no way to turn off the screeching, you have to cut the wires. And yes, we tried it twice. And the flame goes quite high. It was pretty amazing.

Seoul Brother said...

Probably the first time "The Incredible Hulk" and "Money Shot" could be combined... in reference to a cake.

Cecilia Tan said...

Hmm, the background of the restaurant makes it look a LOT like the Congee Village restaurant in New York City.

Asian culture may seem wacky, sometimes especially the "translations" of Western traditions. (I have no doubt the "puffer fish" cakes were from an Asian grocery, too.) Just... go light on the cultural bashing please, people?

Quezz said...

This is a Buddhist lotus cake gone bad -- it looks like the frosting melted. It's a cake type I've seen mostly in China.

pixiestixlush said...

Oh my, *wiping tears from eyes*, I just lost it at work after reading the "What are you, fire/jello/slime/ruffle cake?"

Anonymous said...

In regard to the it's/its debate, actually the "it's" you used innitially is correct. I have trouble with this one so I have it on a post-it at my computer. You use the conjunction "it is" with the apostrophe (it's), and you use the possesive without (its).

Alisa Palmer said...

You're so hilarious, Jen that I can't even see from the tears. The cakes are funny on their own, but you take it up like 10 levels. Do you have a myspace or something where we can see YOU? I want to be your friend! Thank you for making my day filled with laughter!

Beth said...

It looks to me like a zombie bit it, and the green bits are showing through as it goes through putrefaction and gains its true zombie nature.

I'm not sure what zombie cakes lust after. I'd love to come up with a hilarious bon mot, but the best I can come up with is "Raaaaaaaisins!", which is incredibly lame and not worthy of anyone's time. ;)

As an aside, while I can understand the post asking to go light on the culture bashing, saying that it's in an Asian restaurant tells us nothing of what the cake was supposed to be/represent. Until I have some context, I'll remain firm in my zombie cake with exploding accessory stance.

tammy said...

Ghostbusters' Sweet 16.

maxflash said...

I like it that this cake actually has a consumer alert and is viewed as a public health threat.

Hearing that the audio is as aesthetically ghastly as the visual is just ... well, icing on the cake.

Tora V. said...

You know,upon closer inspection, it has those tiny silver balls that covered the Italian-Afghan cakes.
COINCIDENCE!?

Anonymous said...

INCREDIBLE HULK MONEY SHOT! HAHAHAHA! Hoooooo.

piscesgen said...

OMG Jen... I just hear your tortured whisper in my sleep now over this friggin cake!!! hahaha "what are you......"

Anonymous said...

Her: I want it tiered, like a wedding cake, with pink ruffles and gold accents. Oh a lotus on top would finish it nicely!

Him: I want it oozing slime, make sure it's gross, something out of a Doctor Dreadful Food Lab.

Tracey in WA said...

OMG!! I just found your blog and I am rolling here at work! Not only are the pictures priceless but your commentary is hilarious!!! Keep 'em coming!!!

Kate Y. said...

This might help on that pesky grammar thing:

If you could substitute HIS (no apostrophe) or HERS (no apostrophe) or OURS (you get the idea) -- then ITS is correct.

If the correct substitution would be SHE'S or HE'S -- then you want the apostrophe in IT'S.

And thanks for all the laughs.

Anonymous said...

I am dying laughing at your "tortured whisper" commentary. You are a riot.

That is a pretty cake, though, compared to most of the others here.

Jenn said...

I just about spat my drink across the room reading the discription. You just made my day!

Ana said...

Wow. Just...wow.

It's beautifully done -- just look at the attention to detail. Though I'd love to know whose idea it was to juxtapose what appear to be flower petals with green, realistically drippy slime.

Jennifer said...

I've never seen something so pretty in such a bizarre, head-tilting, WTF?, nonsensical kind of way.

I agree with everyone about your amazing humor writing. I'm still wiping my eyes and randomly laughing over your hedgehog roadkill comparison to the puffer fish cakes.

You seriously should have food & drink consumption disclaimer for your readers.

Dominique said...

This cake looks strangely delicious - just like those multicoloured clear Japanese lollies with cutesy little trinkets inside...you know, the ones that taste like plastic. I'm pretty sure they're meant to be edible...

Amy said...

I love that with each comment, I have to go back to the picture to say "whaaaaa???" cuz I missed some HUGE detail like a "golden-translucent apple on top"

Anonymous said...

I'll take a stab at the unseen inscription. My guess is, "Congratulations on passing your color blindness test!".

nagareboshi7 said...

I must say, I actually saw a cake a lot like this the other day (though the green was, fortunately, a bit muted). I love Japan...

This also makes me want pumpkin purin. That is all.

Xydexx said...

This.

This is a cake made from awesome.

It is a cake worthy for celebrating awesomeness.

OMG. I want one.

Anonymous said...

Woot! What a super cake! A pretend wreck full of strangeness!

bliz said...

I'm actually fairly intrigued by the slime.
I'm getting married on Halloween, and I had been pondering some outrageous cake ideas. Maybe I'll swap the radioactive green for a crimson. I will, however, forgo the floral flamethrower...

-AB

Anonymous said...

I know I'm in the minority, but I actually like the green slime. It would be awesome for a kid's cake. But I would skip the "burn my house down" candle.

Anonymous said...

Has anyone seen those birthday cards that show a baker holding a "cake" and another baker saying: "I said a SHEET cake!!!" Definitely lost in translation.

Oh, and regarding the baby cake, I don't know what's more disturbing, the idea of the cake, or the video of it's making. I wouldn't want to eat anything that has been touched and played with for so long, without a hair net either... yuk!

Sarah said...

But I love this cake. I...I want it.

Auj said...

There is another flower candle that is pink at grandillusions.com. It does the exact same thing but melt (hopefully). You should check it out.

Xydexx said...

I'm thinking the only way this cake could be better were if it were purple, as though made of yams. (I've seen purple yam cake before... it was like it was made of My Little Ponies.)

Anonymous said...

i had that candle for my last birthday!
you put it on and it's a giant flower with one candle protruding out of it, and you light the candle and the flower kinda explodes, and then you have a bunch of lit candles coming off of the now open petals. then it spins around and plays happy birthday.
best. candle. EVER.

Cupcakes Lady said...

Its not hideous...just totally bizarre? What are you???? lol ;) x

Ms. MM said...

Dude. DUDE!!! IT'S A GHOSTBUSTERS CAKE.

Haiku Joy said...

Fireslimejello, your
whimsy encourages us - -
to call 9-1-1.