Thursday, July 7, 2011

Parental Payback

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Parents, when it comes to planning your child's birthday party, prepare for a lot of whining, temper tantrums, and willful brattiness.

Plus your kids might be a pain, too.

Well, here's one way to exact a little revenge: your kids' birthday cake.

Can't sleep. Barney will eat me.

Yep, there's something about seeing their favorite lovable character transformed into a homicidal psychopath that could slightly unhinge more impressionable minds.

"To infinity! and killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill."

Hey, whatever doesn't make your children soil themselves in panic-stricken terror only makes them stronger, right?


"Now, don't worry, kids; Elmo's more afraid of you than you are of him!

"Billy, would you like to do the honors? Let's start with a good clean stab through Elmo's eye. Go on.

"Oh, quit crying. Birthday boys *like* eating Muppet eyes! And just look at that face! Elmo wants you to eat him!"


Ok, granted, you'll be the one paying for their therapy sessions later, but in the meantime...

Spongebob No Pants is here to say hello, kids!


Besides, sometimes there are added benefits:

I'm pretty sure your daughter will never ask for a pony again.


Thanks to wreckporters Laurie H., Stephanie L., Kevin H., Fraulein M., & Jennifer S., who think I should totally write parenting books. (Working title: Odds Are, They'll Live.)
Trista said...

That's a pony!? I thought it was a female dinosaur.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or does it look like that's blood on the neck of that horse?

Nothing like a bloody horse's head to say Happy Birthday!

The Pink Drink Ladies said...

After viewing these wrecks, I think I will have a little trouble sleeping. They all have a sinister look.

Jackie

Evalis said...

Elmo's reaction is perfectly understandable - I mean people are coming after him with knives to DISSECT him (probably starting with his eyes) and he has nowhere to run. Who wouldn't look like that?

SuBee said...

Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday from the Corleones!
Happy Birthday to you.

Anonymous said...

I really need to remember not to drink coffee while reading this blog. I keep spitting coffee all over the keyboard!

J. said...

Where's the evil clown cake?

Anonymous said...

That pony is a ccc!

Mary B said...

My mother always told me to be sure and give my kids something to tell their therapist about when they grew up......


(That should be a joke but it's the Gods honest truth.)

Rebecca said...

My 5 year old said the last one looks like Chewbacca. LOL

Gary said...

The Spongebob cake must be from that X-rated bakery with the plastic half-lady in the window.

Alli said...

oh god... that "horse" cake ... it's like the godfather horse head crossed with t-rex from Jurassic Park!

-Alli

elissa said...

Every year for my birthday, I asked for a horse cake. Glad I never got that one!

WV: cuppla. You've posted a cuppla doozies today!

mel said...

Of course that horse cake is reduced 40% -- 40% of the horse is missing....but still...an offer you can't refuse....


wv-deduc: (verb) to take away, as in, "Sure we can deduc 40% off that cake."

HeatherJ said...

Dear lord! That Buzz Lightyear will haunt me till the end of days!

I'm 40 and I STILL ask for a pony for my birthday. But, not this one. Please! NOT this one!

Heather

Sharyn said...

Belated thanks, Mom, for making all my birthday cakes yourself.

Lucky66 said...

I thought Buzz wasn't too bad. The martian guys behind him were cute. And, wrecky as it is, my toddler Mr. NoPants would appreciate the Spongebob one. Not that he'd be allowed to eat it, because I'm a buzzkill kind of mom.

Now if you'll excuse me, I suddenly feel like I need to go hug my horse.

Kaitlyn said...

That looks less like a pony and more like Frank the Bunny from "Donnie Darko".

Kelly said...

Buzz Lighyear is pretty creepy looking! The sad thing is the alien guys (don't remember what they were called) look pretty good.

creeandme said...

Hello Joe! That's my favorite simpson's episode!

Also I think the "pony" cake party sent home fish wrapped in bullet proof vests as party favors.

Anonymous said...

AUUUGGGHHHHH D:

Stephanie said...

I like that pony. Any time there's a reasonable solution to the pony request, it's a good thing, right?

Anonymous said...

Clearly Mr. No Pants got a peek at the cake that was removed from yesterday's post....

mimi said...

the buzz lightyear BODY is pretty god, and so is everything else. its just that FACE!

Ulrike said...

My 13 year old son says the last one looks like Chewie, too.

flying gargoyle said...

I am now too frightened to sleep. These cakes will haunt me. ;^)

Caroline B said...

My daughter's already terrified of the horse that eats children in the movie The Brothers Grimm - this cake would be the final nail in the coffin....

May said...

Heh heh...my friend's "working" parenting book is titled: How to Keep Your Children Alive.

WV: warce
I wish I could warce the images of those cakes off my brain.

Docbanger said...

Has Spongebob got a bone stuck through his err... ?

Anonymous said...

Spongebob looks like a brick of cheese (and not Swiss), with his privates covered with a bow.

and that evil pony head reminds me of the Godfather....especially with the red roses where the bloody part is!

warning, graphic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZtyvlzVm7Y

OR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QzlsmSqSqXI&feature=related

Yup. his reaction is what these kids will do when they see these homicidal cakes.

Johnny™ said...

Who wants ponies when you could get dinosaurs on their cakes!

Trevor said...

Perhaps the last cake is for a Godfather fan to find in their bed *shudder*

Docbanger said...

Nope. I'm sorry, but Spongebob has definitely got a bone stuck through part of his anatomy. Why? I think we should be told.

Julie G. from Iowa said...

I wish I could unsee that last photo. Yeesh!

The Reluctant Diva said...

How fitting that Psychotic Caffeine Buzz is followed by Terrified Elmo - that's about what my face looked liked when I scrolled down! Dear Lord, if you are that talented to make all the console panels and buttons on his suit, how much harder is it to make EYELIDS?

Then again, perhaps he's not jazzed up on caffeine after all. Perhaps it's a rendition of what happens to a human body in space when you remove your helmet.

aep1974 said...

That last one is most definitely the horse's head from The Godfather. I mean, just look at all the blood!

**shudder**

wv: norman - The name of the horse, a la the calf in City Slickers. "Norman, hello???"

Jenna said...

My husband, upon seeing the last cake:

"Oh, that's a PONY. I thought it was a velociraptor at first."

Haiku Joy said...

Being torn apart
by wee squeaky-voiced monsters:
Elmo's Worst Nightmare

Cathy O said...

"Odds Are, They'll Live" is a brilliant title. My BFF and I decided that our guide to baby showers will be titled "somebody has to buy the rectal thermometer"

Great blog, as always!

Anonymous said...

WV: unplucks

It looks like Buzz likes to unplucks eyeballs from birthday boys when they're not looking.

Anonymous said...

I thought it was a dinosaur too! But, i don't see blood. I see a ring of supposed-to-be flowers ringing the "pony's" neck, sort of ending the cake with a flourish.

Vinie said...

Can't unsee that Buzz, it will follow me in my dreams tonight...o.O

And i would have taken another color of flower..any color, for those flowers for the horse.

People remember: think, then decorate!

Craig said...

First: If the recipient were named Madeline, at least the color scheme would make more sense.

Last: Awww, it's My Little Dinosaur. Where is Darth Vader?

Or...

"You have asked for a pony for 1,000 days straight. That would be so practical, given that we live in a 5th story apartment in the middle of downtown. However, I decided to grant your wish. Pleasant...dreams?" [Mom sports Buzz Lightyear expression; child decides to save time by entering therapy the following day]

Amy said...

Sweet Maria! I though that was a severed Tauntaun head.

GeeGeeDub said...

I audibly gasped when I saw the so-called horse. Way to get me busted at work, guys!

Leah said...

Oooh, where is iMom when we need her?

I can hear it now, "You wanted an Elmo, I got you an Elmo, so you need to eat it. There are starving children in China who just *wish* he could scare them too!"

^_^

Erin said...

I refuse to believe that last cake is not a dinosaur head. A decapitated dinosaur head.

At least it's on sale, so if you're going to scar your kids you can do it on the cheap.

Alice Shortcake said...

I can only assume that the pony cake was inspired by both "Jurassic Park" and "The Godfather".

WV: knimul. This cake does not portray a knimul known to science.

lisadh said...

LOL!!! Those are hilarious/awful! Love it!

Anonymous said...

and i thought that i was going to get rid of my insomia...

Anonymous said...

Even though I plan on going through the rest of my life childless (just like you Jen and John), I would love to see your parent book and what kind of (hopefully funny) advice you would come up with.

And I like the title you have created.

Tiffany in Topeka said...

Agreed - the first thing my daughter said, "That's not a pony, that's a dinosaur!"

*shudder*

Donna said...

*shudder*

Thought the last one was a "Godfather" reference....

Anonymous said...

@trista - i was thinking drag queen T-Rex.

a pony? really? wow.

MM said...

If there's anything scarier than the Barney Song it's that Barney cake, and that Spongebob no-pants cake is pretty horrifying too.

ninja dude 12 said...

If I squint my eyes the "pony" starts to look like simba from the lion king

Amy'sMom said...

Children everywhere LOVE
Decomposing Elmo!

Phoebe Muse said...

For a second I thought the first one was Grimace from McDonald's...Grimace was one misunderstood dude.

Kylie said...

HAHAHAAHAA! Oh my gosh! This literally made me laugh out loud. KILLKILLKILLKILL! After having a long morning of food poisoning, thank you for actually making me smile!

Anonymous said...

I love the little aliens behind Psycho-Buzz! They're like "EEwwww....! (Please don't let him kill us....)"

Anonymous said...

I am wondering if the horse head cake was left on someone's pillow.

Amy said...

That mafia horse's head is very very scary. Why has it got blood coming out of it? And Elmo looks like a sort of Edvard Munch "scream" version of elmo, his mouth is horrible.

wv: amiton Ami ton't like that horse's head cake!

Anonymous said...

It's not a pony.
It's a tonton: http://www.davidlouisedelman.com/wp-content/uploads/luke-skywalker-on-tonton.jpg

beeladdie said...

You guys make my day!!! Not many things can make me laugh so much. These are great!

Diana said...

That last one should be dubbed the Godfather cake...

Anonymous said...

"Leave the gun. Take the cannolis."

Or, leave the horse head cake, take scary Elmo.

Anne said...

bahaha...that is one of my favourite Simpson's references ever.
Top notch post as always!
-Annie

furpurrson said...

I'm channeling Mr. Bill on the Elmo cake: "Ohhhhh Nooooo!"

Melanie said...

You need a "like" button like on facebook. Because I would really like to "like" the "Happy Birthday from the Corleones" comment.

Mike said...

Buzz Lightyear is TERRIFYING! It looks like his flesh is about to peel off his skull at any second! Ah, good old-fashioned Nightmare Fuel!

Erinn said...

I'm having a "GODFATHER" scene flash through my head with that last one...

Laura Zinn said...

I thought the first one was the Hamburglar.

msyendor said...

Buzz Lightyear! What are you doing with Minions? Have you gone to the darkside?

BADKarma! said...

"Psycho-Buzz" and "Spongebob Flasher" will now haunt MY dreams. Thanks, John and Jen.

Oh, and If I'm not mistaken, that last one is a Hippogryph from "Harry Potter". Which in no way makes it any less disturbing, I might add... O_O

Anonymous said...

Does anyone else see that last cake and think "Predator?"

JoJo said...

LOVE the working title of your book! I was told a while back that everyone should have a title to "their book" should they ever desire to write one...yours is CLASSIC!

Mine thus far is..."Does Anyone Know Why the Corn Flakes Bleached the Carpet?"

As for the cakes...Barney loses a lot in 2D...the horse is frightful...and Elmo...uhhhhh, who thought that was worthy of being for sale?

Anonymous said...

I question the placement of that "bow" on SpongeBob....

Miss Hannah said...

Glad I wasn't the only one who thought of velociraptors and "The Godfather" upon seeing the final cake. Also, I would totally buy "Odds Are, They'll Live." Then again, I once took a picture of my baby in a dog food bowl while wearing a onesie that read "dingo bait"...

Nana said...

DANG!!!!!! That horse!!!!! It is scary, ain't it! I know I have seen that horse before!!!
It's that horse from "The Godfather"???? I know it is! YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, BAKERY LADY!!!!!

thesunshinieone said...

I don't know which one was creepier. The horse head, the psycho Buz or the bug eyed Elmo LOL. It's a shame what people get away with putting in their deli cases lol.

sendingtheclowns said...

Buzz to wreckorator:

"HEY!! YOU! Get OVER here, NOW!
Look, I didn't come all the way over here just to have you P*SS me OFF!
I agreed to be on the cake--NOT to be IN the darn thing...and NOT to be wearing some freaking brown-leafed HULA SKIRT!!! Get me OUT of here and give me my legs back! Look at my teeth! That is a grimace! It shows that I mean BUZZNESS--er, BUSINESS!
GRRRR!!!!

=^>.<^=

Anonymous said...

blink blink

I can't get past that Buzz Lightyear. I'm soooo gonna have nightmares.

I also haven't seen the pony yet. I did wonder if the mob was now leaving dinosaur heads in victim's beds so I'm relieve so many others thought the same thing.

-Barbara Anne

Kimberly said...

That's a horse? My first thought was.. huh.. someone made Draco from Dragonheart as a CCC. With his head cut off...

jeepchic20 said...

Is that last one an ode to Godfather?

Kimberly said...

psttt, Anon,

It's Tauntaun, not tonton

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Tauntaun

wv: Warcult: I don't know what this is, but it was too good to pass up reposting.

jeliecam said...

But parents, REMEMBER, when the kiddies are grown, they will be buying you YOUR birthday cakes.

That explains a lot about some of the 50th & 60th birthday cakes we've seen here.

wv: juyea - another spelling of July

tiny p elephant said...

altogether now.....
"never mind copyright infringement.... edible images"

tiny p elephant said...

LOVE that i can save $5.99 on the pony cake

Phil said...

Note to self: never read Cake Wrecks right before bedtime.

WV: nootings Buzz Lightyear and the horse cake are nootings for me to have a nightmare about tonight.

Arlene said...

I thought the barney was kinda cute lol. Now the shrieking Elmo on the other hand may just give me nightmares forever. And why would anyone give their child a decapitated horse head for their birthday unless they are from a rival family from the Godfather? Lol scary cakes..

Reverend Ref + said...

That last one -- the horse that everybody thinks is from The Godfather or a dinosaur of some sort --

The first thing I thought of when I saw it was, "Sleestak!"

And it's 10:30 on the west coast and nobody will see this, but I had to post it up anyway.

Anonymous said...

I have a sweet, wonderful, beautiful horse, but after seeing that cake, I'm afraid to go to the barn!

Anonymous said...

Seriously people, click on the pony. It's a cupcake cake!

narwhals4eva said...

A child therpist would love these cakes.

Mello Fangirl said...

Buzz Lightyear looks eerily like Light-kun from Death Note. Oh and the pony looks like a dinosaur. Awesome blog.

GeminiWriter said...

Buzz looks like he’s had some really bad plastic surgery! Surprise!

Anonymous said...

a pony??? I was certain it was a T-rex.

--Kim

Sarah said...

This is my favorite thing you've ever posted. The buzz lightyear is hilarious.

Vale's Mom said...

I second Trista, I literally exclaimed, "That's a PONY?" Never would have guessed.

dreamerkins said...

wait... that's a pony? i thought it was a beheaded dinosaur. it's even got the blood and gore on the neck!

kisekileia said...

Elmo's mouth = gaping maw of doom.

Last cake = Chewbacca with a horn?

Anonymous said...

The last cake, I am looking at through my phone and my 3 year old son says "a doggy cake" enough said. Lol
jenzi

Emily said...

OMG, that last one was a PONY?? I sincerely believed it was a t-rex...