Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dear Diary...

Thursday, April 14, 2011

April 10th, 2011 - Today was my first day as a cake decorator at the local Wrecky Mart. My parents claim they warned me of this day when they told me not to major in Ancient Latin Philosophical Dance Theory, but I wouldn't trade those 14 years for the world!

Anyway, for our first lesson, Susan, the Bakery manager, taught me how to make a dog cake. I did it with an Ancient Latin flourish!

April 11th, 2011- My second day at the bakery. Susan was arrested this morning for stealing headcheese, so now I'm the Bakery manager. (And my parents said I'd never get anywhere with this job!) My first customer placed an order for a Spider-Man cake. I hate to brag, but I think I exceeded everyone's expectations:


April 12th, 2011 - I think I'm getting the hang of this! Three more orders filled today: one for a school spirit cake...


...one for a Dora the Explorer cake...


...and one for Easter.

This decorating thing is a breeze!

April 13th, 2011 - Wow. I've been asked to teach an advanced decorating class at Wrecky Mart! I've learned so much since my early days at the bakery. How foolish I was then, making all of my cakes look the same! I was such an amateur.

Fortunately, I've since mastered the art of using color...


Evoking emotion...


And replicating Grimace from the old McDonald's commercials.

Who knew I could ever become such a master of decorating?

April 14th, 2011- Today I was asked to leave the Wrecky Mart. :( Something about me "flying under the radar for too long," and being a "complete sham" with "no formal training" or "talent of any kind." Clearly the upper management is threatened by my talent. Still, I'm not worried: I hear Mart Wrecks is hiring.

Besides, I got a lovely farewell cake from my associates - the ones I taught everything I know:

Viva los Ancient Latin Philosophical Dance Theory Academy!



Thanks to Heather H., Jen S., Manda, Donovan F., Dylett B., Stephanie V., Leslie W., & Amanda K. And, in the ancient words of my forefathers, "Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam."
ninja dude 11 said...

Were these at the same bakery ?

Evalis said...

I really don't know what to say when i find the dead dog to be the most appealing cake in the lot. There has to be something wrong with that...

And yet, i can't find anything really good about the others to make me change my mind.

Angie said...

Nothing says "buy & devour me" like swirling piles of colored poo attempting to look like a dog.

Anonymous said...

WV: ophal

These dog cakes are just ophal!

cc

Anonymous said...

LOL love the journal entry blogs! with appropriate wreck photos

@Angie--I loved the way your phrased that!

wv: supess. I had to supess my gag reflex on that nasty green icing color.

meanwhile, the sadistic side of me wants to get the dead dog cake for my new-dog-owner-s-i-l who keeps interrupting every phone conversation with me to babytalk to the dog. the little shit-zu

JackieBean said...

Best motto ever! "I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head."

Also, the hot pink puppy cake is way tiny... Hope it wasn't expensive! *tugs collar*

Sara said...

Does the label on that last one say "Cupcake Critter?" A CCC by any other name....

Marie said...

I'm a Latin teacher, and I always tell my students to be on the look out for "Latin Moments"---when Latin happens to appear in your everyday life. Who knew I'd have a Latin Moment on Cake Wrecks?

zoomom said...

That is hilarious! (as always!)
The first cake reminds me of my son's pet hedgehog, "Daisy". Now I think maybe he should rename her "Sprinkles"!

mouse said...

hahaha the story for this one is genius!

Karen said...

Latin for the WIN!!!!! %)

Anonymous said...

I want a pet hedgehog!

KEI said...

@zoomom - OMG, I am totally naming our next dog Sprinkles. That's hilarious. :)

thesacredandtheprofane said...

If she had been smart, she would have told her employers, "Bis repetita placent."

BTW, as a wage slave with a Master's in Old Testament Theology, I appreciated the humor in this. Especially "the best 14 years of my life." I would cry if it hit any closer to home.

Christian Johnson said...

Oh no, I see the wv and now I gotta post.

Not swirling piles of colored poo.
That will not do! That will not do!
Not even on a snickerdoo
dle should you add a purple poo
dle! Don't you ever use your noo
dle? Keep your basics, mind your batter
If you're no Pollock, make no splatter!
And notonapu pu platter
should a <a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OFIZEtv4ths/TYAYYiLwb-I/AAAAAAAABlQ/0-aO4k97nJo/s1600/Dylett%2BB%2B.%2Bow%2B.%2Bpink%2Bdog.jpg>flaming pup</a> appear.

A.J. said...

I love the "Evoking Emotion" cake, because it looks so much like my mom's dog! I'm not going to eat it though, because that much black icing makes me want to puke.

KittyKat said...

This post was GREAT!

And of course, since I studied just a smidgen of Latin in school, I also loved the Latin "motto."

I even managed to make out about five of the words on my own before I had to look up the others. Heh.

TheLandlubberWife said...

Soooo mannnnnnnnyyyyyyy dog cakes........

The heavy-handed airbrush cakes are always my favorites. :)

Christian Johnson said...

Oh, fnark. That should've read:

And notonapu pu platter
Should a flaming pup appear.

New wv: Now, hentsha embarrassed by all that?

Katie said...

Haha, this made me giggle.

Anonymous said...

Hehehehehehe what were they trying to do there??

Sara said...

I had the unfortunate pleasure to working a Target Bakery for 4 years. I hated making those stupid animal cupcake things. I would have loved to a few like the last one in the post to express my feelings.

Anonymous said...

"I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head."

Jackie did a much better job than the free Internet Latin-to-English translator! Thank you, Jackie!

Sharyn in Superior said...

Y'know, this blog is really going to the dogs today-- which means we need a "dogapult." Although I imagine a cat CCC would work as well for ammo. Wonderful post.

Cake Wrecks should really sponsor an event where competitors bake/buy wrecks or CCCs, and then catapult them to see which entry gets the best distance. The winner gets a copy of the next book -- c'mon, Jen, it'd be a great book "launch."

Censeo Toto. Nos in Kansa esse desisse. ("Quiet, Toto. We're not in Kansas anymore.") -- from a plaque in the law library at CU Boulder.)

Dani said...

I kinda love that first doggy. It just looks so sad I want to cuddle it. I don't however want to eat it because it looks as if it's eyes and nose are made from either black olives or black lickoriche.
One of which is delicious but has no place on a cake and the other of which is disgusting and has no place in the universe.

H Lynnea said...

Thanks to that last picture, I now have the song "Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun" running through my head.
And to your forefathers I say, *et cum spiritu tuo*.

Julia said...

Okay whenI get home I'm breaking the ol' Latin to English dictionary.

Danger Boy said...

Wow, this blog has really gone to the dogs today.
Ba-dum-dum-crish.

Momcat said...

I don't think that first cake is a dog at all. I'm not ASPiring to change anyone's mind, but I hope you will grASP what I mean when I say: something that looked a lot like that fell down my shirt collar one time and stang the bejeebers out of me, all the way down my back! I hoped that somebody would PHNIC (wv) it off but they didn't.

diddleymaz said...

Caveat emptor id est cave canem!
De gustibus non disputandum est.

DangGina said...

Ha ha ha!

The part where she "got fired" with all those "quotation marks" forcibly reminded me of Chris Farley's Bennett Brauer from SNL. Bwa ha!

Oh yeah. And those cakes! -As usual, the commentary was the best part. (So glad so there are so many wreckerators to make this blog possible!)

Anonymous said...

Is it bad I kind of like the Easter one? It's like the puppy is cuddling up the Easter eggs and I don't know why but it's adorable. At least, as adorable as a frosting pile and some plastic bits can be....

T said...

is it wrong that I actually kind of like the dead dog cake?

at least it's funny - the others are just downright scary!

(the diary entries were, however, hilarious!)

Ellen said...

Carpe Canem!

(of course, you'll get icing all over your fingers . . . )

mel said...

Well, who doesn't just love a dead dog cake! A great cake to give the kids when they say "Why can't we find Fido?" And I couldn't help but notice that dogs 2 and 3 have their faces on their paws!!! Is this some twisted form of experimental cake-cloning! Cut off the paw and a new dog grows?? But the best are the colorful poo-dog cakes! They are the perfect melding of the dichotomy of form and content!

wv - kerse: to say naughty things in a foreign language

tiny purple elephant said...

great post.. too funny
i would have a hard time eating any of the pups though

Wendy said...

I just sat at my desk at work and got strange looks for giggling to myself. My favorite was the Spiderman cake!

STephanie said...

"Puppies are cuddly
Puppies are cute
They're never nasty or mean
I'd give a home
To all the lost puppies
If ever one day I were queeeeeeen!"

(The funny part is, that song was running through my head *before* I read today's post.)

Daisy said...

Hilarious as always. The antidote to my stressful day!

pikkewyntjie said...

A road kill cake should show more squishage.

Travlnbard said...

wv: rentil - When I saw all those dog CCCs I rentil I got them out of my head.

Awesome post but to those people who don't understand Latin I say: Bene, cum Latine nescias, nolo manus meas in te maculare.

Kelly said...

Mmmm, headcheese... I learned about that from the Little House books.

Dog head cheese?

Sarah said...

This worries me a bit, that I know this - but that second cake, with Spider Man, looks to be Ms. Lion - "A rambunctious male dog who belongs to (Spiderman's) Aunt May. Although he doesn't have any super powers, Ms Lion became a founding member of the Pet Avengers and saved his feline team-mate, Hairball.

http://marvel.wikia.com/Ms._Lion

The rest of them I have no explanation for...

No Cake Fo' You! said...

Wow,,, someone must really like making dog cakes....

WV: Moddl - I wonder if they had an actual dog to come Moddl for these wrecks... *shrugs shoulders*

Monica said...

Wow. Who knew one wreck could be so versatile? Truly, the frosting-encrusted vaguely dog-shaped Wreck goes with anything.

Or nothing. But to the Philosophy of Latin Dance student, is there really any difference?

Aviatrix said...

Your story entries are sometimes forced, but this narrative is awesome. It explains so much about those stupid dog cakes!

Craig said...

The common thread: these are all CCC's, aren't they. Now I get the catapult tie-in: must...resist...urge...to...hurl...

#2&3 (with apologies to Barbara Anne): Why are the paws turned up? I don't want to think about how that could even happen. The hand in #3 has the wrong finger raised.

#6,7 & 8 prove that food coloring should be a controlled substance. Very tightly controlled.

#6 looks like you could still see it with the lights off. I just wish they could have found a bigger container.

Speaking of 'not good eats'...

What is in the lower left on #8? I could guess it is supposed to be 'dog food' but from here it looks like used dog food.

#9 What should happen to all CCC's (patooie!).

Any that are not called out: Why? Not 'why did I not call them out,' but 'why do they exist'.

Marcelle said...

I've always thought that no force in Hell could make me buy one of those dog cakes. But I would buy the roadkill cake without a second thought. That's hilarious!

Auto Title Loans said...

Identical Doggie Disasters all across the board. Did the Fuchsia dog get into some paint cans? Bad!

Katy said...

Don't usually comment, because by the time I get there, many people have said what I want to say. But why has no-one else mentionned the thing on top of the pink one? Am I the only one seeing a naked, splayed plasticine figure? And if so, should I seek professional help?

Micalah said...

Were these all from the same bakery?

LOL almost peed my pants!
good one.

Anonymous said...

Shared this one w/ my 11 y.o. daughter. Her comment on the last cake: "Your reign of terror has come to an end, puppy!" Should I be proud or frightened?

Jenny Allworthy said...

Ha! Google translate didn't do too well...

"I have a catapult. All the money, you were left to a huge stone on your head in the wood."

Hmmm....and with all the rules Latin has, you would think translation would be fairly straightforward. Now I wish my high school had offered Latin.

I'm glad JackieBean knows Latin!

I also liked the roadkill dog best!

Steve the Pocket said...

The "evoking emotion" cake is actually pretty adorable for being so sloppily made... and kind of unappetizing. That's one way to solve the old "too cute to eat" conundrum.

Suphred said...

Hilarious post, as always!
And H Lynnea @ 11:03 - love dead puppies (a la Dr. Demento)
Had that one running through my head til I got to STephanie @ 1:11 where the VeggieTales kicked in... lol!! The story of Esther will never be the same.

Anonymous said...

"Catapultam to have. If not money omnem me dabis , to capitis your large stone monstrous to send."

BAHAHAHAHA! Gotta love that Free Online Latin to English Translation page.

ann said...

Best ever! Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Jen, you MUST take Sharyn in Superior's idea and run with it- a CCC launch- please, please, please, please, please. Shoot, I'll help organize it and everything (maybe we could have it at E.P.C.O.T.)

@H Lynnea FOR.THE.WIN!!!!! If I could bold it and put it in a bigger font size, I would! :D

@Craig- appreciate the apology, sir, but you're still slacking. (shakes finger)

I truly adore the roadkill one and plan to superimpose that over all the others in my head- even if I'm in Wrecky Mart. LOL

-Barbara Anne

Anonymous said...

"Give me all your money or I'll lob a rock at your head."

So glad high school latin is finally paying off.

Vaglica Kids said...

Oh my goodness! I'm trying SO HARD not to laugh out loud...my kids just went to bed...

These cakes are soooo funny!!!

Thanks for the laugh...I needed it!!!!
Amy

Lexi said...

hands down my most favorite CW entry to date!

WV: milks - cause everyone needs something to wash down dead dog with.

The Kellys said...

I have had such a terrible day and then I come here to find the cake I took a picture of! (The dead doggie...may he rest in peace.) Loved this post long before I got to the end. Thanks for the laugh!

Ms_Lily said...

Actually you really don't have to have any previous experience to be a cake decorator at Wal...er Wrecky Mart. I've been a decorator there for 4 years now and I learned everything I know there. However, I like to think I've surpassed my teachers. I'm convinced that one of them reads this blog and uses it for inspiration, because she's made just about every wreck on here.

Anonymous said...

Oh my lord. I just laughed until I cried, then laughed some more. Awesome post.

Shinnewn said...

It...I...what...
I don't think "on a dog with swirly poo eyes" was written under "I want sprinkles".

Arlene said...

Hmm I say that wreckerator is obsessed with "dog" cakes. Man if this is the same bakery I would really consider hiring someone else for the job lol. Unless they are into all dog cakes all the time.

Carole said...

Once again, thank you for making me laugh. And laugh and laugh. Love you guys.

Anonymous said...

The new bakery manager clearly was a vicious tool of upper management.
But really, who puts a sick cake like that out for sale??
It upset my little Blondie, but I told her "illegitimi non carborundum!"
PS I will try your Latin on my boss today. Wish me luck.
PPS Kinda liked the "I'm sorry I peed on the carpet" cake.
--Blondie's Mom

wv: latterma -- Your father's second wife.

Mad Cooper said...

"I have a catapult, Unless you give all your money to me, I will hurl a huge stone at your head."

I too majored in Ancient Latin Philosophical Dance Theory. Or rather, History and Classical Studies, which is basically the same thing.

Thank you for giving me something Latin to translate. It happens far too rarely in my daily life.

WV: Aftablu. In the color spectrum, indigo is aftablu.

Linda in Louisville said...

Damn you, Cake Wrecks! You forced me to dust off the old college Latin textbook and translate pluperfect tenses. This is a trespass most vile for a Friday...


wv: duxima. The leading drake in a brace of ducks. "Elmo, being the most brilliant and handsome drake in the community, was the duxima."

Foy Update said...

Falcore?

Eat. Sleep. Internet. said...

@ninja dude 11
I think they are! The brown "BAKERY" logo on the cakes are all the same!

Amanda "Mandi" Plogger said...

So my 4 year old son is looking over my shoulder at this post and goes "Mommy, I know what that is!" pointing to the first... creature... "It's a MOLE RAT! See cause it has no fur and it's all wrinkly!"

Stephenie Daily said...

Seriously haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Your narration in conjuction with dog after dog after... was too much. I actually have tears in my eyes. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I read this whenever I need a lift and can't stop laughing!!! The doggie cakes and commentary would be an hilarious coffee table book!!

Kayla said...

Are you kdding me, you need a lot of training and then I don't think that would help.