Monday, February 7, 2011

The Cake Cannibals

Monday, February 7, 2011

Once upon a time, a baker decided to ice a giant baby butt on a cake.

And so she did.

The rest of the bakers gathered round to congratulate her, and before long they'd all agreed: baby butts were surprisingly appetizing. Reeling from this rear realization, the bakers went on to change the face of baby shower cakes forever.


By turning it into a baby butt.

The cake butt phenomenon took off like projectile vomit from a colicky infant. It was everywhere. EVERYWHERE. Otherwise rational women dreamed of eating chocolate-filled diapers. Grandmothers sliced up legs with abandon. Little children screamed in glee at the sight of adorably draped half bodies served up on platters. ("Aw, look, she's sobbing with glee!")

After a while, the original bakers got together again to munch on fondant toes and discuss their next "big thing." The vote was unanimous: they needed much larger bodies of work.

Literally.

"If eating baby butt is sweet, then eating mom boobs will be AMAZING," the bakers exclaimed.

And so, they did.


Just about everyone loved the mom boob & belly combo, but there were a few complaints from the moms-to-be. Not that their cake effigies were being eaten, of course, but that their cake effigies weren't sexy enough.

Quickly the bakers arrived at a solution: the cantaloupes would be made much larger than the watermelon ("if you catch our drift"), and mom's cakey doppelgänger would be dressed in only the raciest of lingerie, the better to emphasize how she ended up in her present glowing condition.

And so it was.

And, once again, everyone was happy.

At this point the bakers fell into a deep depression. "We've done it all!" they moaned. "What more can we possibly achieve now that women are eating both baby butts *and* mom torsos?"

Which is when they realized: the only thing better than eating a mom torso or baby toes was eating them both together.

Quickly a new decree went out: push that lingerie aside! It's time to show off the baby inside the belly. And then EAT THEM BOTH. Haha!

Remember to keep that melon ratio, though.

At last, the bakers felt they had arrived at the pinnacle of baby shower cakedom. They would continue to fine-tune, of course: a cherry filling here, a plastic baby fished out with tongs there - but overall, their cannibalistic urges were sated. And all was well.


Until they discovered gelatin.




[ear-splitting scream]

[of glee]


Thanks to Jessica M., Candace G., Jessica T., Germaine, Jessica G., Sarah M., Taylor F., & Ruth T., who think that's one heckuva womb with a view.
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Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what's exactly what disturbs me about the cakes:

1. The cakes.
2. The parties where you can find these cakes.
3. The people who would say: "I want more boob" or "could you save me an arm or something?"

Letitia said...

"Farewell Baby Noh"??? Plus a gory knife with cake guts all over it? Sounds like an episode of Dexter, or something like that!!

Baby shower cakes shouldn't be ominous!!!

drgns4vr said...

As I have stated before, things have totally gotten out of hand in cakeland. It may be time to head back to nice flat sheet cakes with violently-colored roses and those purchased rock-hard HAPPY BIRTHDAY letters for awhile to get over these abominations.

Anyway, I'm going to steer clear of showers for awhile.

Anonymous said...

One of your best posts yet! Too funny and horrifying all at once!!

Lulu said...

AAAAAAAAAAAaIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!

*vomits*

Elizabeth said...

Usually, reading your blog every day just makes me want cake every day. Now, I don't think I can go near a cake or a baby shower ever again.
Thanks for keeping us laughing!

Anonymous said...

The last one made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Ew.

Jennifer said...

Oh lord. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Jell-o is now off my menu for eternity.

Clair said...

I never want to eat Jello again.

FM said...

That last cake? Just three words:
Dis.
Gust.
Ing.

Zarola said...

Oh my gosh. That last picture is practically terrifying. WTF?

Heidi - Botanical PaperWorks said...

Just so gross.

But that's why I read your blog every day! :)

Carrie Miller said...

GAG!!!

Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard at the last one, I choked on my spit!

Eat Cake said...

I'll go with just "Ear splitting scream" and leave it at that.

Anonymous said...

The horror, the horror D: who thought that was a good idea

Anonymous said...

My 6 year old, a boy who has eaten some rather questionable things over the past few years, took one look at that last one and said "Ew! Who would want to eat that?"
Pretty much says it all I think.

Sarah said...

Am I the only one who thought the baby bottle in the first cake was actually a cigarette?

And the biceps on the jello baby in the last picture are HUGE!

Jes said...

Oh sweet Mother of everything sacred... That last one is creepy!! Will have nightmares about that tonight.

Anonymous said...

stern voice:
Jen! You will NOT, I repeat NOT, post any cakes or edibles pretending to be cakes which show the "blessed event" itself. Are we clear, lady??

(insert epic stink eye here)

-Barbara Anne

P.S. I'm gonna need a plastic surgeon to get my lip out of "eyewwww" position.

Janine said...

I think this was your best post to date. I yelled out loud at the last picture! Thanks for thr ROFL!

Ai said...

-Files away a few more reasons not to have children-

Ah. Cakewrecks. Keeping me child free.

Arlene said...

Oh I will have nightmares of that last cake. And why was one of those cakes with lingerie saying "Fairwell baby some name I couldn't even see lol. If it saw that cake I would run off too.. scary.

pikkewyntjie said...

It's the return of Jello molds! Noooooo! Next, they'll be suspending vegetables in them and it will be the 50s all over again, but not the good parts!

Didn't the baby in the first cake grow up and appear in a Sir Mix-a-Lot video? I've heard of baby booties, but seriously!

salgalruns said...

That last one is soooooo many layers of wrong. So many.

Anonymous said...

[glee] [just glee]

I wonder if that amniotic jello is pineapple-flavored like clear gummi bears.

Anonymous said...

The last cake someone needs an anatomy class (well that or better yet a class in etiquette and good taste - with a very strict teacher).

Seriously - even the nude cakes and the one that people want to see the uncensored version of in Germany IMHO are in better taste (and that's saying something).

That said, this was quite funny and had a good story to the blog. Keep up the good work.

Rebecca F. said...

The teddy bear on the second cake got me. It looks like it had a heart attack and died!

And the torso and baby cakes always struck me as weird but they look so much more horrific sliced up. Yuck.

Great post! (Loved the ending! :)

Ruth T. said...

Thanks for posting the alien baby cake, Jen! I knew you wouldn't be able to resist its wreckiness :D For anyone who is wondering, I saw this cake at a cake decorating contest of sorts. It won 3rd place! Don't ask me why.

Cecilia said...

LMAO!!!!!!! ......ok I wuz going to post something n I cant remember what, cuz I cant stop laughing n gagging.......ha ha ha ok I cant see past the tears in my eyes.......AHAHAHA!

Anonymous said...

Dear God, the gelatin cake...my eyes!! My eyes!! **shudder**

MissNay said...

I literally just soiled myself.
You owe me new pants. And couches. And dinner. And a ceiling fan. And a trip to the groomers.

MissNay said...

I am reading a lot of "This is why I don't have children" comments.

I think you're safe if you follow my sound advice:

A) Don't have babies with wreckerators.

B) Don't tell anyone you're knocked up until you are fully aware of their taste in confections

C) Develop an application process to plan/attend your baby shower

D) Order your own cake-not from a relative who "just loves making cakes".

E) Stop saying "threw up in my mouth a little bit" Played out, people. Played out. Please, just stop.

morriganscrow said...

The baby, and I use the term VERY loosely, in the wombquarium reminds me of the Flukeman from the first ever season of The X Files.

Someone pass me a machete....

Anonymous said...

I'm on of the weirdos who think the pregnant torso cakes are kinda cute, but I cannot buy into the bikini region included. I do not understand that! Too much to the imagination. The gelatin cake is beyond disturbing

Djen said...

Whoa, imagine when they started up serving that amniotic jello bubby bubble - was there an enthusiastic queue or did that clear the room?

Kati said...

I am afraid. And scarred for life. And never having another baby. And also never going to another baby shower. Also, maybe never eating cake again. Thanks a lot Jen!!

Jabby said...

Ugh! The mom effigy with the leg cut really grossed me out. Too much imagination happening for 7am!! The last one just makes things all the worse. I never knew the world was filled with so many people who want to *literally* eat a baby... I'm hiding inside and barricading the doors!! This is clearly a sign the zombie apocalypse is starting!

fairedust said...

In the future, women will be genetically engineered for their abdomens to become transparent upon conception, allowing doctors to monitor the growth and well being of the fetus without the aid of medical imaging, rendering the 4D ultrasound technology obsolete.

fairedust said...

Want to apologize to all for multiple posts. First time posting on CW...didn't read the part about the 6 hour delay...SORRY!!! :)

Anna Crossley said...

As a pregnant woman, who WAS eating a banana to maintain good health for her unborn child, I appreciate the lesson. Strangely enough, my mother has been taking cake decorating courses. I pray to God she doesn't come here and sees this!

Natasha said...

I have never seen anything so hideous!

curtangel said...

This is the first time I've posted but I have to add my voice to the masses on that last one - seriously? SERIOUSLY? Who came up with that idea and said "we have to do this!"

Ellen said...

Three things:

There is NOT always room for Jello.

For the rest of my life, whenever I hear the phrase "progressively worse" I suspect I will picture this entry.

I have a strange craving to read the book "A Dandy in Aspic."

wv - pholyh.

It was pure pholyh to make these cakes.

Quisty said...

WTF could they POSSIBLY have been thinking with that last one???? WHY?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!??!?!
And what pregnant woman would want to hack into a belly cake like that? CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES! QUICK!!!!

Mafdet said...

That. last. cake.
Must.. rinse.. my.. eyes..
Must... delete... brain...

*blinks*

Hi there!
What lovely cakes!

*scrolls down*

*yelps*

*faints*

Deanna said...

Seriously???????

The Black Dog said...

EEEEEEEEEEEEK! Who came up with that last horrifying concept?!

Katie said...

oh my god. speechless.

JennWasham said...

My jaw literally dropped as I scrolled down to the last "cake"... I just don't get it!

Ingeborg said...

Hahahaha oh maaan. I was scrolling down all happily, feeling confident that the horrors of baby cakes were very familiar to me. 'Oh, baby shower cakes, never change,' I said to myself, chuckling, as I scrolled. I think I seriously jumped back from the screen and squealed at that last cake. And then laughed uncontrollably for about half an hour. And then came back and laughed for another hour. How do you even make that cake without giving yourself nightmares for eternity? XD

Anonymous said...

That last cake gave me the first legitimate spit-take I've ever had. Thanks CakeWrecks :-)

dietplaid said...

That last one is just horrifying. Someone needs to stay out of the aspic section of Mastering the Art of French cooking.

Anonymous said...

I haven't been this woozy since I broke my arm and the bone was sticking out. What I worry about now is that the jello is not quite set and may, shall we say, "leak."

Anonymous said...

this made me laugh so hard! that last cake is brilliant! whoever came up with the idea for it is a genius!

archersangel said...

all creepy, but on that first one the baby got back.

WV: unkleho--more appropriate for the valentine's cookie one (feb 8)

Alma said...

Dear lord, what is that thing?

Gelatin baby reminds me of a scene from a really bad horror movie!

Kitrina said...

that last cake, is by far the most disturbing cake I've ever seen o.o

tiny purple elephant said...

the gelatin one was the worst ever.
yuck and gross.
i hate the baby cakes, baby butt cakes, bobbies cakes etc.. how can you cut into a baby?

cupcakes with sprinkles please!!!!!

Kacie Galyon said...

I am not even kidding, that last one made me throw up in my mouth a little... Ugh.

MissNay said...

Fairedust, I will probably get weird looks for this but since I can't see any of you, your idea of see through prego ladies actually sounds amazing. But then again everyone would know when you had to poo, which would not be as fun as the rest of it....
Anyway, that was a cool thought born of a tragic cake.

Jessica said...

O.M.G. There are not words to describe the horror that surged up my esophagus and threatened to void the warranty on my laptop. The concept is bad enough. The baby looks like the love child of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man and a Spacing Guild Navigator.

I need 20cc's of brain bleach. STAT!

smurasaki said...

D: AUGH!

Can't sleep! Jello baby will eat me!

Christine said...

At least with the last cake they took the frosting off before they cut it and showed the guests. Could you imagine peoples reactions if they didn't? "mmm.. thank you I will have a slice... ahhhhh!!!"

Craig said...

All of these prove once again that there are things that cannot be un-seen.

#7 Where to even start?! What is running down the front, and why?

The baby looks like Casper. Why?

Rosemary's Baby gave me a lifelong conviction that babies and gelatine (or jelly) do not go together. That conviction has just been strengthened 1,000,000-fold.

More than one person thought this was a good idea. Why? I like gelatine, I like cake. The two together, not so much -- especially not with a 'surprise' inside. OY!

Craig said...

Forgot to mention -- the baby in the last one isn't Casper, it's William Thomas Franklin. The third.

Anonymous said...

Okay, whoever thought that last one was a great idea needs to be shot out of a cannon and into a pile of diapers!

dawnalee said...

The "Farewell" cake has me cringing. Farewell from my belly? Farewell you passed away? Farewell I'm giving you away? WTF????

The gelatin-trapped baby is horrifying. How could any self-respecting person create such a monstrosity?

Anonymous said...

I think the farewell cake says "Farewell Baby Nob," as in farewell baby bump, or that mom will soon have her sexy body back....

Becky said...

OMG, so digusting. :(

Craig said...

@Anonymous 5:17 AM said, "Okay, whoever thought that last one was a great idea needs to be shot out of a cannon and into a pile of diapers!"

Used diapers.

Sarah said...

My five year old son just saw that last cake and asked, "Is that a snow globe?"

Patty said...

I made that gelatin cake... and proud of it. It was the first time I had done it and didn't know the reaction that the gelatin would have to the fondant. It was pretty cute and then it started to melt. I didn't know that would happen, so sue me. Is my favorite cake to date and I stand by it.

Anonymous said...

I made that gelatin cake... and proud of it. It was the first time I had done it and didn't know the reaction that the gelatin would have to the fondant. It was pretty cute and then it started to melt. I didn't know that would happen, so sue me. Is my favorite cake to date and I stand by it.

Patty

Anonymous said...

that is just wrong

Anonymous said...

Ughh. Eee. Ack. Oh, the humanity. The carnage!

Thank God I didn't decide to read this before lunch.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who noticed that the babies in utero were facing the wrong way?

phoenixwomynw said...

I have seen many horrors of tempting cakey-ness on this site, but that last one was enough to make me squirm.

Rachel. said...

Well done Cake Wrecks!

I've been so tough, and made it through the womb cakes and the scary feet cakes, but you finally did it with that gelatine cake, I actually feel like I'm going to be sick!

Anonymous said...

After reading several posts, I think you have another function of your website - weight loss. You may have Weight Watchers beat in helping people lose weight.

starwidget1 said...

Out of curiosity (and because I'm hungover and feel like punishing myself even more), I went looking for this cake on Google.

http://cakecentral.com/gallery/1604785

It got third place in a San Diego cake show.

Anonymous said...

Oh, that last cake with the baby that you can see in the belly! OMG, one of the creepiest things I've seen in a long time, looks like alien autopsy of some sort! Yikes!!! Who ever dreamed up of that notion should NOT HAVE and the execution of the cake, even worse. The decorator should be fired! The person who thought it would be a good idea..........Wow no comments....

Anonymous said...

My four year old daughter saw the baby cakes and said, "That is not right." and "Yuck!" I think she is on to something.

Lanfier

34milepizza said...

Honestly, who DOES that? That's just gross.

arzt4empfaenger said...

I would love to know what the last recipients reaction was. Horrible thing, ack!

Anonymous said...

The expression "freakin' disgusting" comes to mind on the last one.

Anonymous said...

I saw this when it was first posted (on my birthday... gee, thanks!), but only last night did I have the nightmares about giant gelatinous fetuses floating in aquariums... had to spend the past hour surfing back to find this post so I could comment.

ew.

that is all.

xine said...

The fact that you have to scrape away at the fondant/buttercream icing to get to the jello suspended baby underneath... all that effort to get to a truly cringe-inducing "surprise".

Can you imagine how this went down?
Cakewreck culprit(who may or may not be the baker), who henceforth will be referred to as Cakewreck Culprit(wmomnbtb).

Cakewreck Culprit(wmomnbtb): (trying hard to suppress excited giggles presents the cake): Here's the cake y'all

Guests: ooohs... aaahhs.

Mom-to-be: Awww you shouldn't have...

Guests: that looks delicious... blahblahblah

Cakewreck Culprit(wmomnbtb): Wait!, there's more!(scrapes the fondant/buttercream off )
[horror slowly descends on the group]
Screams of terror as the guests run away

Mom-to-be: AAAHHH You shouldn't have.

Karen Kimball said...

Gah! They were all disgusting, but that last one was just vile.

Cannibalism is right--it's all gross!

Though I remember the first time my daughter had a party with guests, and I made an ocean cake with a fish and some seaweed, etc. Most of the kids wanted to lay dibs on the piece with the fish's eye. WTF?

Anonymous said...

Aliza: Looking at the photo -- and I'm just guessing here -- I THINK they iced the dress etc over the top of the gelatin. Which is even more disturbing, cutting into the cake and being surprised by THAT.

Ghoulina said...

Those are some of the most disgusting cakes I've ever seen. I am a total cake fiend. Nothing can stop me from eating cake....or so I thought! After seeing these....yikes!

Anonymous said...

NOW THAT LAST ONE SHOULD B TAKEN TO ALL THE YOUNG GIRLS WHO WANT OR THINK THEY WANT A BABY! GOOD BIRTH CONTROL METHOD. LMBO

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