Thursday, December 16, 2010

The 12 Wrecks Of Christmas

Thursday, December 16, 2010

On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

A choking hazard in a treeeee.

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Two buttered bells,
And a choking hazard in a tree.

On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Three whipped ghosts,
(And by "whipped," I mean they do what their wives tell them)
Two buttered bells,
And a study on the Heimlich for me.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Four day-glo Santas,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a bunch of crap in a gross tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

♪ Fiiiiiiiive molded 'shrooms! ♪
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a lot of flotsam in a gross tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Six pounds of icing,
♪ Fiiiiive fungusesssses! ♪
Four day-glo Santas,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And seriously, did you see all the stuff in that tree?

On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♪ Fiiiiive Penicillin-bearing spores!! ♪ ♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a plastic coated nasty icing tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Eight runny egg yolks,
(WHY?!?)
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♪♫ Fiiiiive molded hallucinogenics!! ♪ ♫ ♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And is anyone even still reading this?

On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Nine kiwis riding... reindeer? Swans? Thestrals?
Eight I-think-he-hates-me,
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♬ ♪♬ ♫ Fiiiiive really fun guys!!! ♪ ♫ ♫ ♬ ♬
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a beer.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Eleven candy canes that kinda look like Slimey the Worm,

See?

Ten piles of nothing (You FORGOT?!),
Nine kiwis riding,
Eight runny egg yolks,
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫ ♬ ♪♩♬ ♫ Fiiiiiive agaricus bisporus! ♪ ♫♩♩♫ ♬ ♬
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a reason to have the ER on speed dial.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Thirteen TWELVE fake flowers,
Eleven Slimey Canes,
Ten lots a' nothing,
Nine kiwis riding,
Eight counts of salmonella,
Seven snowmen melting,
Six pounds of icing,
♫♭♫ ♬ ♪♫♭♫♩♬ ♫ Fiiiiiiive SUPER fun guys!!! ♪ ♫♭♩♫♩♫ ♬ ♬ ♭♫
Four Santa blobs,
Three whipped ghosts,
Two buttered bells,
And a Cake Wrecks Calendar
for me!


Thanks to Michelle, Amanda C., Kyle C., Cheyanne, Joel S., Georgia T., Erin T., Monica K., NWM, Monica B., Jana S., & Jon D., who have been counting down the days 'til they could endorse a fine product like the 2011 Cake Wrecks Wall Calendar. [nodding earnestly] It's true. Take my word for it. No need to ask any of them. Or even check to see if they are, in fact, real people.

-------------------------------------------------

CCC Day #4


Best Friends Animal Society operates the nation's largest sanctuary for abused and abandoned animals, from cats and dogs to rabbits and horses. Their mission is to create a world with no more homeless pets. Period.

Click here to donate your dollar!
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Anonymous said...

Best blog post ever!! Hilarious!

~Ame

Gifted Designs said...

I was laughing so hard I choked on my own saliva...:D

wagrobanite said...

Not sure if you know this but the 12 days of Christmas are the 12 days FOLLOWING Christmas, not before. Its that way because there are 12 days between Christmas and Epiphany in January.

Anonymous said...

You guys should totally sing this and make a video out of it.

Susan said...

That was awesome covered with awesome sauce! (Unlike those cakes.) Please make a video! Please please please PUHLEEZ!

Anonymous said...

This is pure genius! I sang, I laughed... I snorted. Keep 'em coming - I look forward to reading the blog every day after work!!!

Alisha Rene' said...

that was AWESOME

KritterBugg said...

Haha! I LOVE IT! I couldn't help but sing and laugh out loud at the whole song! It was awesome!

DK @ http://sweetsbyd.blogspot.com/

Niki said...

I just sang the whole thing... and have gotten it mixed up with 4 pounds of backbacon and 5 golden toques.

Well done!

dsbs42 said...

Best post yet. I never comment, but I wanted to give you props for that carol. Wow.

"And seriously, did you see all the stuff in that tree?"

Heheheheheheheee

Mary Beth said...

I had tears running down my face with this one and I nearly needed the Heimlich when I started choking over the runny yolks. Awesome job:)

martha said...

did anyone else sing that whole post? I cried I laughed so hard, thank you!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the Canadian mention.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Jen! You rock. Sooo many wonderful moments! Even a Bob and Doug McKenzie reference. *wiping eyes* Now I must go share this with every one else in my life so they too can laugh just as hard. :)

Amy's Cooking Adventures said...

Fantastic! Loved the thestrals -- I thought the same thing when I first saw them!

Anonymous said...

You know, I had an awful day. I'm sick and miserable. But this post actually made me laugh out loud. First smile I had all day! Very clever! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

That has to be one of your most awesomest posts ever!! (Esp the part with "Five Fun Guys" - which happens to be my favorite joke ever!!!) I almost snorfed my dinner reading it tonight!!! Thanks for the smile!!

Melissa said...

I loved this one!!! I so needed a laugh today - thanks!

Mary said...

That was awesome! You are so funny.

msbarrows said...

What an AWESOME rendition of this seasonal favourite. I laughed, I cried, I snorked. I may have hurt myself laughing so hard.

The Mocha Monster said...

I'm not the only one who sang the whole song outloud, am I?

Anonymous said...

Totally awesome, best post ever!!! I love, love, love the CW take on the 12 Days of Christmas!

Auntie-Granny said...

So clever! Loved it so much.

Auntie-Granny said...

So clever, I loved it so much.

Anonymous said...

Ha! I just did a lesson with my seventh grade choir on The 12 Days of Christmas, and while they didn't have pictures to back them up, they came up with some pretty interesting lyrics!

julie said...

BRAVO! I was singing along with you!

Alessandra said...

I think that after this I need a drink. a strong one!

Alessandra said...

PS

I also wanted to ask you if I can put your link on my blog roll in http://alessandrazecchini.blogspot.com/

I have been visiting you for well over two years now, you always make me smile :-)

django's mommy said...

You are brilliant!!

Kaesmom said...

Love it!! Had to share it on my FB page. Too funny NOT to share!

K said...

I don't go a day without checking your blog, but this is my first time commenting. The narration always makes me laugh. I share others wishes to hear this actually sung. And I love the Christmas Charity Countdown. I will be donating to all 12.

A. A. LeBlanc said...

230+ readers can't be wrong. I'd like to officially dub this 2010's "BEST. POST. EVAH."

How did you manage to get holiday themed wrecks with the RIGHT NUMBER of things in each photo?? Fess up --- how many photos did you crop?

Anonymous said...

Read the whole thing, and could not spot laughing at the Number 5 jokes

alisa in Taiwan said...

that.was.amazing!!

Anonymous said...

John & the other Jen: I command you to SING THIS NOW

(and a beer)

cygirlkat said...

bwahahaha....

Best. Version. Ever.

LD said...

On the ninth day, "And a beer."
If that's what I think it's a reference to, this blog is even more awesome than I originally thought. :)

Shelley Parker Chandler said...

Koorookookoo koorookookoo! Loved the reference to Doug & Bob McKenzie. Heh heh.

Stacy Q said...

Bwwaaahh! Ha ha haha ha ha ha haha ha ah ah ha ah ah hah a hah ah ah ha haha ah ah!
I sang along for the whole thing, when I wasn't giggling!

Lori said...

This is my new favorite Christmas song. Maybe.

nikki said...

Darn, I wanted to say the kiwi were riding Zero the dog too. But that's what happens when you read late at night. Either way, nice post!

Wallflower Confessions said...

Best. Post. Ever. I sang along through the whole thing, even pausing with confusion on how I went from 9 to 11. :) VERY CLEVER! And I loved all the other pop culture refs you threw in there. :)

Age Kotyk said...

I laughed so much reading this blog. Thanks for the endless entertainment you guys bring to us readers!

David Plass said...

This is awesome stuff, reminiscent of why I started reading Cake Wrecks in the first place. And yes, I was still reading the song!

I had to look up "thestrals". Nice.

Stephanie Sonksen said...

Things I love about today's post 1) The Bob and Doug Mckenzie reference. Christmas is not complete in our house until we hear that song. 2) The ghosts really did look beaten down by their wives. 3) Really fun guys. Almost snorted soda through my nose. 4) Slimey the Worm. One of my favorite Sesame Street characters. I used to pray that I could have my own friend like that.

Also, thank you for the CCC. Today's cause is especially close to my heart. You guys do great work.

Syb said...

You. Are. Brilliant.

Kelly said...

Thank you, thank you, CW team, for taking time to create that terrific song. I read every word! And it made me smile before I drift off to sleep tonight. (With visions of Sugar Plums, or creepy Xmas cake, dancing in my head!)

Cyril Lucar said...

I laughed until I choked.

Anonymous said...

I must admit, I did not read it.





I had to SING it. :P

Anonymous said...

Best. Post. Ever.

karina said...

OMGOSSSSHHHHH! It's after 11pm, my entire family is in bed and I'm laughing like a hyena!

Yes, I read the whole thing. I forgot the 10th day. And I got the hiccups, twice!!!!!! (must have been the beer!)

Sariah said...

"And a beer..." HAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, the Mackenzie brothers are a Christmas classic. Mix it in with a Harry Potter reference, a Sesame Street reference, and CW, and my Christmas is complete. :)

And may I say, YAY for Best Friends Sanctuary. My really good friend's husband works there. They do a lot of awesome stuff there. Everyone GIVE!

Anonymous said...

There are many other animal charities that do not have the overhead like Best Friends. I'd like to see some charity picks where at least 50 cents of my dollar would go to the cause.

Arlene said...

Lol!! I love your version of this song. As for these "cakes" Santa is going to leave 12 lumps of coal for each of these wreckerators for killing all their customers with flotsam cakes lol..

Sarah said...

Awwww, I want a Slimey the Worm cake! He's so cute!

KJ said...

This had me laughing out loud tonight! OMG! Thanks for posting...

Rose said...

Not only did we read the WHOLE thing...my sister and I sang it. yes, we did. :) It was a little hard, since we were laughing so much!

CynAbu said...

Ok, seriously - the funniest post ever! (And I bought three calendars as gifts today!!!)

Jo-anne (Blossy) said...

Thanks ... I was singing along as I scrolled through the post :P

Anonymous said...

I LOVE this. Thanks so much, Jen!

Noortje said...

Love, love, love this post. The first day christmas gift (and all it wonderful variations) kept laughing until the end of this post.

Anne said...

Aw, love the Bob and Doug MacKenzie nod.

And the wreckage.

Craig said...

#1 Proof that the secret to art is knowing when to stop. In this case, the ideal time to stop was before starting.

#2 You know.

#3 Are those 'ghosts' solid frosting? That would be scary!

#4 So close to being a good idea, then the wreckerator showed up.

#5 Ah, it's the holiday classic, ''Shrooms on Poo Mountain'. What is on the cake board -- spores?

#6 Santa wanted to see if perhaps there was some cake in there somewhere. Brave soul...

#7 I could wish these were divinity (though that would not explain the 'decoration'), but there is nothing divine about the concept of cookies buried under frosting.

#8 I'll buy the lemon pie filling theory, but it sure looks like a collection of two-minute eggs.

#9 Zero, or one of the characters from Spy vs. Spy. In this case, why vs. why.

#10 Awww. 'A Salvador Dali Christmas.'

#10a. A bit of an improvement, actually.

#11 How much (if any) of that is actually edible? The green looks like yarn.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations! (or congradulations)
Today's was excellent. I can tell a lot of work went into it, and it was really funny. I have no idea what the thestral\swans are either, and love that you even found the "fun guy" cake.

Merry Christmas said...

My mouth is watering....

Kathy said...

I haven't been following you all that long but this is one of your best posts so far! Great to start the day off with such a laugh!

Christy said...

Am I the only reader who had the muppets singing this in her head? Yes I'm that much of a geek. :P

Stryding said...

Oh oh oh! The beer! Are you referencing Bob and Doug McKenzie's Twelve Days of Christmas? I love you.

Kalendi said...

That was awesome! Now it's going through my head except I can't get past the salmonella!

Swan said...

Jen, John, and all who had anything to do with this post:

1) I agree with everyone who thinks this post is AWESOME to the nth degree, and also with those who think the wreck pics should be made into a slide show video to illustrate the lyrics sung by one and all. Might even be a best seller if provided as such....

2) Over the years, I've come to dread hearing this carol, as it is quite long, and also parodied ad infinitum. But this post has indeed restored my faith in the carol AND the witty parody.

Y'all rock, and keep doing what you're doing! Tidings of delight and joy to you and yours, as you have surely given all of us.

~~Swan

Anonymous said...

Wondering why there are 3 "used" copies of the Cake Wreck calendar available on amazon?

Ruth said...

I'll donate a dollar for you to post a video of someone singing this on YouTube.

Tamlynn said...

My daughter sang the whole song. Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

Best post ever!!! I especially loved the hidden Harry Potter reference!!! Yay HP geeks!!!

Anonymous said...

Wow. You have OUTDONE yourself. And I was crying with laughter when I got to the thestral-riding-kiwis.

SandyG said...

Totally love it!! You rock Jen!

Anonymous said...

I have a first giving page too!
It's called:
Kathleen Shay's Fundraising Page

I was inspired by you!!!

Anonymous said...

hope you like my page on first giving

URL to it:

http://www.firstgiving.com/kathleenshay

~kshay

Nicole said...

"and a beer"!! Yay! Someone else knows that version of the carol!

Love the Slimey Canes. Priceless.

S Bailey said...

Best post EVER! And Merry Christmas to you both!

NancyMal said...

I read this with my 9 year old and 6 year old giggling all the way! We really enjoyed it- a perfect Holiday (we're equal- opportunity celebrants in this house) Gift from my favorite blog. Site. What have you.

C-squared said...

And I thought my family was funny! Seriously! You almost put us to shame! We LOVE LOVE LOVE to make up lyrics to songs!
-Catherine

Buffy said...

@krystina--yes. The things the kiwis are riding totally look like battle droids.

Lyn said...

Funniest version of this ever.

VeggieT said...

seriously that was just fun to read, with or with out actually looking at the cakes, and yes I did sing it! Merry Christmas! :)

Ginny said...

I always enjoy your posts but I really enjoyed today's. It was absolutely hilarious (AKA- weird looks from the husband as I laughed repeatedly out loud) and the bonus was seeing Best Friend's Animal Society at the bottom. It is a great charity that I love to donate to!

Anonymous said...

That was the funniest post ever!!! My 7 year old daughter said and I quote, "that is hilarious"!!!!



Desarae

Edith A said...

Shouldn't it be your "1000nd" post? Edi

jessmg7 said...

I've read every single post, and this is my favorite. Thanks!

Jessica

Jennifer said...

ok, so just get home from work, yes it's 1:25am and I am trying to stifle my laughter especially at nine...this was great!! Keep up the good work, look fwd to more in the new year!!

mnemex said...

Sang it to my girlfriend, who...well, if we weren't already in bed, she'd have collapsed in paroxysms of laughter, as it was, well, I had to pause a few times (and she had to change positions) so she could breathe!

Courtney said...

Favorite post ever!

Anonymous said...

Best. Post. EVER. Merry Christmas!

die sharona said...

i am so happy you threw in "and a beer" as the first day. that song always cracks me up :) great post!

Mieu said...

I was singing alongto your song and then I sang, without reading before hand "Is anyonew still reading this" Ad I laughed.

"And a beer" I love that song :)

blitherypoop said...

Not sure if anyone else mentioned it, but the mushrooms are the only part of that sad bouche de Nöel that they got right. Pretty decent really.

Amy said...

just. effing. awesome. i loved thestrals and laughed so hard at 10 lbs of nothing. and the tree. and all of it. aaaha hilarious!

seaspiritnw said...

That was hilarious! I laughed so hard I cried..

Cami said...

Yes, I'm reading. No, in fact, I am SINGING it in operatic tones to my husband, and that part threw me off, so thanks a lot!

And I vote thestrals.

Flea said...

A beer? And no ten? Well I never!

:)

JennySRP said...

thank you so much for always giving me a big laugh!!!!

Penny said...

Can't help but hum along while reading.

Anonymous said...

The one where you ended "and a beer" - did you just make reference to Bob & Doug McKenzie's Christmas song? If you haven't heard the song, go online and find it. Eh.

Cathy

Meghan said...

not only did i read the whole post, i sang along with it, LOL. you messed up my singing when you skipped ten

Tae_Ki_Girl said...

Brilliant! I was singing along with the words in my head... when I wasn't laughing too hard to think. :)

Anonymous said...

i think i just peed my pants....you are a genius! Teeeeheeeee!!!

MouseArmy said...

I think I love the musical posts the best. +1 Thestrals ftw!

Anonymous said...

Oh, dear God this was hilarious. i lost it on the hallucinogenic line.

As for the 'nine kiwis'. It looks kinda like they're 'riding' Zero the ghost dog from 'The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Anonymous said...

new favourite song. love it!

Rose B. said...

Been out of town, so just catching up on CakeWrecks. This was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Salsa up the nose, not so fun though.

Anonymous said...

My father passed away unexpectedly a week ago. Though usually a daily Cake Wrecks checker, this was my first time back since falling into this strange chasm of sadness. Just wanted you to know that the fungi . . . first time I've laughed in a week. And I laughed HARD. Thank you so much for that. ♥

Raggy Rat said...

oh stop it - my tummy hurts - and i dont have to EAT them !!!!
we love slimey!

Anonymous said...

Your best yet!

Anonymous said...

Do me a favor and publish this as a Christmas-themed coffee table book. I would buy it.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful! This was great - I sang the whole post to my brother. Thanks!

Scott said...

You guys absolutely make my week every week, but you've outdone yourself with this. My sides hurt, I laughed so hard!

Amethyst said...

I love you, I've commented occasionally, you often make me laugh.. You know, a little giggle... a smile that won't quit. Well.. I got to #9... and simultaneously choked on a cookie, went into a coughing fit (inhaled said cookie) laughed and coughed back and forth, and ultimately had to run from the room since I was in fact, peeing myself. I should tell you... I'm at work. Now I have to clean chewed cookie off my keyboard.

By the way, I saw it as green halo'd dog angels...

sassypackrat said...

O.k. I know I'm late in reading this post, but I just laughed my butt right off!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

That was tempting me to actually put the ER on speed dial in honor of how hilarious that was.

Sarah J said...

This post just made my day. Hilarious!

Kris said...

This was hilarious! I LOVED it.

(Yeah, I'm way behind on blogs.)

OH! I saw your calendar at the store the first week of the year! :D

hyphen8 said...

Late as usual, but I just have to say: CW team, you are the BEST. Funniest version of this song yet. :)

As others noted, #9 does look like Zero..but it made me think of inarizushi (made with fried tofu skins) rather than chicken nuggets. Either way, not something I normally associate with kiwi fruit *or* cake. Or Christmas trees for that matter...

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