Available Exclusively at the Geiger Counter!

When it comes to powerfully good cake, the choice is (nu)clear:

And here's some fuel for thought: this wasn't a special order. It was just out in the display case, on the off chance someone was having a nuclear power plant themed occasion worth celebrating.

HOW WELL THEY KNOW ME.

Thanks to Clare M. for the rad wreckporting.

Summer Sweeps

We have an exciting new lineup of shows for you this Summer, target demographic viewers! That's right, who needs scripts, stars, or self-respect when you could be watching "Joan Rivers' Surgery Cam," "Bulimic Hoarders with STDs Who Didn't Know They Were Pregnant," or "Temptation Island 12"?

And be sure to set your DVR for these soon-to-be-hits...

An unlikely partnership leads a con artist-turned-Tennis-enthusiast to teach his young Ninja protégé yodeling in...

What a Racket!

Our hot new teen drama, A Lot Like Twilight, features plenty of drama, betrayal, more drama, pale guys who might be vampires, crying, rippling abs, and whatever this is:

Yeah. Dramatic.

And, by popular demand, the star of the much beloved Microsoft Word program, That Paperclip Guy, gets his own reality show! Don't miss the fun as he and his plucky sidekick Bulbous tour the nation, terrorizing interns!

"I see you're trying to write a letter!

BWAHAHAHA!! So. Not. Happening."

You won't want to miss this years hottest, sexiest, steamiest medical drama:

Grey's Podiatry

And finally, for those of you mired in hopeless childhood nostalgia that forces you to hurl money at anything from the 80s or 90s, don't miss our re-boot of the season:

Mighty Morphin Power Fishermen!

So, TV fans, pop the popcorn, grab the remote, and get ready to watch reruns on Hulu! Yeah!

Thanks to Joshua W., Courtney S., Cari C., & Cheryl S. for today's Fail Lineup.

A Harry Situation

My friends, today marks a tragic milestone for Harry Potter fans.

It's the day I feature more Harry Potter wrecks.

Ten points from Bakingdor!

And you're to stay after class and chop up every single High School Musical cellphone deco kit.

'Cuz I hate those things.


Here's a positively dizzying array of wreck:

See that photo of the little girl under the cake? She's wearing the same expression I had when *I* first saw this cake: confused, disappointed, and slightly nauseated.


I'll give you a hint on this next one:

It's a golden snitch.

To be fair, maybe it's supposed to be the one Harry spit out.


I'm sorry, but I have to bring back two old favorites:

Eat your heart out, Daniel Radcliffe.

Or maybe just your unfortunately rendered underbite.

Don't you hate it when your Quidditch cakes turns into Harry Potter and the Deathly Gallows?

Tsk, tsk. Such a noose-ance.

EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.

This is not Hedwig:

It's Ron's owl, Pigwidgeon.

Who is a total square.

And finally, while I know not everyone out there loves Harry Potter as much as I do, at least we can all agree on one thing:

There is about to be some SERIOUS nerd rage going on in here.

Thanks to Emily R., Jackie N., Char M., Rebecca J., Erin M., Jesse D., & Michelle M., who think Team Lupin vs Team Snape would work. You know, because of Snape's sparkling personality.

The Far Side of the Bakery

During the traditional "Ongo Longo" dance, the natives express thanks for the year's crops, the tribe's health, and for the glandular defect running rampant in the island's pigs.

The scientists found that results were mixed. Some mice seemed to enjoy the whistling spleen, while others were petrified beyond all bowel control.

As the minutes ticked by, Elmo realized with dawning horror that this was one staring contest he might not win.

Batman would later have cause to regret his rather insensitive "manual control" quip.

Wall-E considered. On the one hand, he adored Eve and wanted to make her happy. But on the other, he was surrounded by mounds of crap.

Thanks to Susan S., Beth M., Kimmi D., Bianca S., & Karen P. for the wrecks, and to Gary Larson - once again - for allowing me to be raised on The Far Side.

I Guess The Butt Was Laughed Off?

I like Dexter. I know it's a horrible show and I shouldn't, but I do. (This is John, by the way. Jen claims she'd rather "exercise" than sit through a single episode. Harsh.) Still, there's one thing missing that I think would make Dexter truly great: puns.

Think about it. The occasional "good" CSI-style pun could transform Dexter from a pretty decent cop show about a psychopath who chops bad people up into little pieces and keeps blood in his air conditioner into a pretty decent cop show about a psychopath who chops bad people up into little pieces and keeps blood in his air conditioner...with puns.

Allow me to demonstrate. (With a little - ok, a lot - of help from Jen.)

Random cop 1: "Hey, Dex! Take a look at this blood splatter in the garden."

Dexter: [serious look] "Well, I guess the killer didn't stop... to smell the roses."



Random cop 2: "Oh, man! It looks like the victim's nose was sliced off with a cheese grater!"

Dexter: [putting on sunglasses] "Hmm. I smell a rat."

Random cop 4: "And his feet were thrown over the back wall!"

Dexter: [taking off sunglasses] "So you're saying he got a little...foot loose."

Random cop 753: "I think we found the rest of him over here by the tool shed! Does this look like murder to you, Dex?"

Dexter: [putting on sunglasses again] "Ab-solutely."

Random cop Bob: "Cause of death appears to be a small steel marble lodged in the brain. The vic was a famous marble-collector, but a few seem to be missing from their cases."

Dexter: [squinting] "So losing his marbles was the last thing to go through his mind."

Random cops: [applauding]

Random cop 8675309: "What the...? Hey, Dexter, I think we have an extra limb over here!"

Dexter: "Huh. Maybe the perp was looking to get a leg up on killings."

[silence]

"No? Ok...uh...

"This is a killer who never toes the line."

[everyone avoiding eye contact]

"Still no? Ok, ok, I got it:

"Looks like those little piggies went, 'Whee whee whee! We're DEAD.'"

Thanks to Kelly M., Joanne D., Jenny W., Emma R., & Anna I. for putting murder...on the menu.

Although I don't think I'll be eating again any time soon.

--------------------------------------------------

HaiCakes!

Sometimes I find a wreck or two that makes me feel all poetical and stuff.

These...[dramatic pause]... are those wrecks.

Barren winter tree

on a giant bare cookie.
Woo. Celebration.

Circle of sprinkles

instead of decorations
because it's break time.

A fish in the sky.

She turned me into a newt!
But...I got better.

Packing foam peanuts,
A big shiny pile of...wait.
Is that Tiana?


Blue, orange, yellow.
A cheerful makeover for
the eye of Sauron.


And now, let's hear a piece from the king of beat poetry himself:


(via wimp)

Spot on, Data. Spot. On.

Thanks to Ellen B., Rachel W., Jodee R., Meg G., & Lizzie B. who also have hedonistic predilections for demonstrations of affection, but we don't talk about that.


Note from john: Today's comment board kerfuffle shall be titled: Orange: One syllable or two?

Artsy Fartsy

[adjusting bow tie] "Welcome, gentle beings, to the grand opening of SplüüRff.

[faint applause]

"All of our works here tonight have been created by world-renowned artists, and are available for sale for far more than you can possibly afford. So, let's begin.

"Our first piece was painted by Japanese artist Noh Wei using traditional oils. Her inspiration was taken from the ocean, mother earth, and the organic nature of the gore splatters in Bikini Slasher Kill Zone 4: Revenge of the Waxers"

"It sells for $490,000.

"Our next piece comes from Swedish craftsman Joques Onyu. Joques spent three years in isolation to focus on this masterpiece, during which time he subsisted solely on prune juice and Ranch flavored Bugles."

"It sells for $893,000.

"The much lauded Yuki Grohs is known for her daring and unconventional techniques. This piece, for example, was constructed using squeeze mayo while the artist was blindfolded and spinning around on a wheelie office chair."

"It sells for $10 million.

"Another avant-garde darling of the art world, the 'Do' Dude uses his trademark combination of gold leaf and 'personal bodily secretions' to both shock and intrigue viewers."

"This mixed-media masterpiece sells for 11.2 million.

"Please feel free to browse the rest of our gallery, where you'll find even more distinguished masterworks, such as:

'Summer Daisies for Janet'

$7.5 million

'Grilled Cheese Electric Chair'
$27.5 million

'The Existential Possibilities of Finding Lucky Charms in June While Wearing Rubber Galoshes and a Fez'
$17.5 million

'Texas'
$6.66 million

"And, of course, our most coveted new piece...

'Coffee Cake with Icing'
$6.00

Thanks to wreckporters Christie R., Aimee W., Alyssa H., Holly L., Laura M., Christy S., Liz C., Anita M., & Stephanie F. for the art attacks.

Annual Wreckage Review

"Good season, bakers, good season! A lot of you showed up, some of you made some stuff, a few gave roughly 65%, and I'd say this Easter was our 'best' yet!

"Now, let's review how our new designs performed this year. Elmer? I believe you have some numbers for us?"

"Yes, thank you, sir. [starting slide show] First up, our 'Clown Face Bunny' here made a huge impression in the 3-7 age bracket...

"...but, unfortunately, most were screaming too incoherently for us to make much of their feedback.


"Next up, 'Dalek Face' seemed to garner a lot of attention from college students in particular:

"Plus at least one customer was spotted chasing his girlfriend yelling, 'EXTERMINATE,' so I'd call that a 'win.'"

"'Bunny brick,' however, went over like a ton of itself:

"I think next year we should add a tail."

"Our cross-over design for Passover, 'Rabbi Rabbit', also had mixed reviews:

"Something about an explosive head injury? I don't know. You guys see anything wrong here?"

"'Well, moving on, 'Ninja Bunny' made a killing, in a manner of speaking:

"So I'd say we made a good call on the throwing carrots."


"'Baby Bunny Cake' was also a hit...

"...er, with cats.
"Yes, I know it's strange, but we had several customers wander over from the pet aisle, and they told us their cats loved the feather accents. So that's a keeper right there."

"'Puddle o' Poo,' however, actually got a few complaints:

"It turns out our marketing team was wrong: people only like chocolate icing poo when it's featured on Cake Wrecks. To quote our Marketing lead Stacey, 'Our bad.'"

"And finally, our Simpsons tribute lamb may need to get chopped next year. (Heh. Aheh. Little joke for you there.)

"Ahem. Yes, it turns out, not everyone loves Moe the bartender. So next year Marketing suggests we try a Maggie model, with a sugar pacifier."

"It's gonna be awesome."

Thanks to our Wreckporter Review Committee Kay S., Meghann M, Leanne P., Beth P., Alicia F., Katie G., Caitlin T., & Julia S. See y'all next year!

The Easter Bizarre

I know we've been seeing some odd Easter treats this week, so today I thought we'd get back to basics.

After all, nothing beats a nice, time-honored, classic Easter...

...loaf of bread.

Yep, Easter is now infecting spreading its cheer throughout the entire bakery!

Just look at this happy character:

Cocaine Bunny sez:

"I'm your monkey fighting FANTASY! Just check the tag." [sniff]


Other bakeries are endorsing bunny-cide in more...creative ways:

Because the Alien chest-burster scene always makes me hungry.


Speaking of which, this one gives a whole new meaning to "Alien face hugger":

When it comes to spotting Wrecks, he's all ears.


Next we have the traditional Trojan Rabbit:

Just don't leave it unsupervised come nightfall.

Thanks to Christine C., Sue, Bliss B., Ali M., & Shannon C., who think two Monty Python references in two days is just wrong. After all, everyone knows THREE is the number thou shalt count.