Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Twilight Zone

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Tonight I'm going to be doing a live author chat over on Twilight Moms, a website devoted to moms who enjoy astronomical chitchat.

Or maybe they have something to do with vampires. Hm. Come to think of it, that might explain a few things, actually...

Well, if I've learned anything from being a fangirl myself (though admittedly more of the sci-fi genre) it's that you always look for common ground when dealing with bloodthirsty devotees. That, and no sudden movements. So, Twi-hards, sink your teeth into THIS (while the rest of us casually stroll off in this direction):


As you can see, there are two crucial elements to most Twilight cakes:
1) edible photo paper, and
2) lots of black icing.

Unfortunately, black icing does tend to show how green the "black" ink in edible photos can be. But what can you do? Draw something?

Say, this is actually pretty good! And way to represent the big girls, baker; I'm tired of the skinny chick always getting the sparkly immortal. Even if she is impaling his arm with her big ol' man-hand.

Well, better get back to the formula, I suppose. Only, what's that you say? You want MORE black icing? Nooo problem:

Well that's gonna leave a mark stain. No, I don't know what the white swirly bits are supposed to be. And yes, it does look like a postage stamp. But let's not give anyone ideas, mmkay?

You know, for vampire-themed cakes these things have been awfully blood-free.

Ah, that's better. The oozing bell peppers really add something, too. Specifically, something that makes even less sense than writing "Forks Twilight" on a cake.

(Yes, I know that Forks is the name of the town in the story. That's hardly an explanation, though.)


As with all cakes, the most important thing to remember when ordering a Twilight design is that nothing beats a little forethought, balance, and beautifully scripted text:

Yep, nothing would have beat any of those right about now.

[Pro tip: if you're going to scratch guide lines into the icing, keep in mind that airbrushed icing is white underneath.]

And lastly, choosing the right text for your tribute cake is also key:

"What if I'm not the hero? What if I'm the bad guy? What a stupid lamb! What a sick, masochistic lion."

Er.

Yeeeahh...so...

Happy Birthday!

Or would it make more sense as an anniversary cake? [evil grin]

I hate to admit it, Giselle P., Katelynn B., Emily S., Jennifer T., & Itzkeleen, but I think the first Twilight Wreck I posted still takes the cake. (Keeping in mind that only the professional cakes count, of course; there are tons of hilarious amateur jobs out there.)

- Related Wreckage: The Twilight of our Discontent
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Anonymous said...

I also read that last one as "What if I'm not the nerd". I've never seen or read Twilight, but I'm pretty sure the story has nothing to do with geeks.

jessica said...

Jessi

I think that they are supposed to be apples not peppers in the forks twilight cake. Apples are a big thing in the book.

Jerry said...

Let's talk about the next to last cake. Why are there tires in the corners? What's James Dean doing in the middle? Is that a black censor bar?

That red thing on the last cake looks like a strawberry to me. A big red glazed strawberry.

Don't worry, we are all the nerd, resistance is futile.

chelsea said...

Dear Jen:

Please immediately provide a cake wrecks "what if i'm not the nerd?" t-shirt. Thank you.

JNerissa said...

Forget the text on the last one (even though hero did look like nerd). I want to know why it's decorated with bacon.

peewee said...

was that BACON on that last cake? Did Edward eat Bacon? Wow. now THAT would be a vampire story!

Anonymous said...

Tha stuf is so HOTTTTTTTTT

Anonymous said...

I have to admit, that last cake puzzled me, and still is puzzling me actually. I see 'nerd' and bacon too, and it's making me all the more confused. A worm spearing itself some bacon? Why does the worm not go for the apple? And what does bacon have to do with lions and lambs?

I read the first book and wanted to scream and rip it apart. I know it's not the book's fault for holding such horrible text, but still...those cakes do suck.

Bilby P. Dalgyte said...

It does say "what if I'm not the nerd?" It so totally does! Then people who read the cake can go "Yeah, I don't think there's any doubt... sorry but you are."

Anonymous said...

To heck with the Twilight Cakes posting, this is the funniest comment thread I've ever read. I'm sure a record has been broken regarding the most references to nerds and bacon on cake in one day. Calling Guinness right now...

Anonymous said...

Wow, those are some horrible cakes. Though not nearly as horrible as the books . . .

I really can't understand the Twilight craze, even after reading it. It's not the obsessive fangirls and hype that make me hate it, it's just AWFUL writing. The concept would've worked [sort of] if the author had the skill of, say, a 7th grader writing bad Anne Rice fanfiction.

And while it's fun to see the cakes crafted with all the care and talent Stephanie Meyer puts into her work, it's depressing what passes for 'good' literature to people my age [and anyone who likes these books and is over 15 needs serious counseling and a swift smack in the face with The Picture of Dorian Gray].

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chead said...

CONGRATS on your mention (with photos!) in People magazine this week.

Michelle said...

Cake + Bacon + a side of bell pepper (so it's healthy)... it's not a Twilight post, it's breakfast!

@Abi Jasper Fford rocks!

Erica said...

Not to beat a dead horse, but I also thought the last one said "What if I'm not the nerd?" As a Twilight lover, I was thinking - hm, I don't remember that line.

WV: dediume - tedium with a cold

Amber said...

My hatred of Twilight and Stephanie Meyer aside, why are all the edible image pictures greenish nowadays? Do they just not care about running out of the red ink? My mom got me a cake with a photo of my husband and me on it for my bridal shower and we did look kinda greenish. I don't think they were always like that back when I worked at the bakery in college...

b said...

Why is there bacon on that last cake?

I Should Be Cleaning Up said...

Hahah, the first, second, third, forth...etc... comment is exactly what I thought too!

Miranda said...

It does say nerd, doesn't it? What are the messy red thingies?

Those Twilight cakes also say "nerd." Loud and clear.

Grumpy goth is grumpy. Vampires don't sparkle. The eternal undead, were they to exist, wouldn't get high school girls pregnant. *stomps off grumbling*

Karen said...

That last one looks like a piece of bacon trying to strangle a more shriveled piece of bacon. Next to an apple.

Spicy said...

These cakes are better than the book. :/

AND THAT SAYS A LOT.

Katie said...

ok the "What if I'm not the hero?" cake looks like it has strips of bacon on it... and it totally looks like it says "nerd" instead of "hero".
why do they insist that the cakes have to have black? ew they look sick! and the first one looks like its been sitting for 6 months. And these edible image printing people need to refill their cartridges b/c they're out of everything except green & black.
I sooo wish you would have put up the one i sent you wednesday where the wreckerator did the twilight book cake and put "stephenie williams" instead of "stephenie meyer"... dang.. maybe next time

with_apostrophe said...

I, like Redraven and Lindsay saw the last one as reading "What if I am not the herd?".

What a bunch of Wrecky Cakes!

Courtney P. said...

I see I'm not the only one who saw "nerd" rather than "Hero". lol

Mer said...

Twilight Moms? UGH!

This is how sexism perpetuates through the generations.

Mer said...

Also, can we balance this Twilight wreckage dreck with some awesome His Dark Materials wrecks?

kryssie_cat said...

OMG, what is on that last cake? It looks like a Tremor crawling out of a chess piece and attacking a piece of bacon beside a rotten apple. Seriously, WTF?

Mer said...

The last cake looks like it has a couple of strips of bacon on it....


...which would be awesome...

Anonymous said...

Hi. I just thought you'd like one more of these comments:

I TOTALLY thought it said, "What if I'm not the nerd." And is that BACON on the last cake???

(Doesn't anyone read a few comments before they submit theirs, just to make sure it's not overly superfluous?)

Mei means beautiful said...

What if I'm not the nerd? What if I can't write to save my life?

msyendor said...

ok. Maybe the first song was read as mean-spirited since it didn't make the post. On reflection (which vamps don't have) I could see it that way although it wasn't meant to be. I love nerds. If I didnt, I'd have to hate myself & all my sibs. (I just get worried about this glorification of vampires.) How 'bout this:

We all see nerds
We all see bacon
We all now know you get some green
from black frosting
So get your sparkles on
And follow the rainbow home
And sing another chorus of Thunderdome:

We don't need another hero ...

WV: Boojer -- booyah.

Bittersweet said...

Re: Marcy W.: I'm pretty sure the 'bacon' is really suppose to be the Eclipse ribbon (book 3). Apple - Twilight, Flower - New Moon, Chess Piece - Breaking Dawn, Bacon=Ribbon - Eclipse.

jengersnap said...

Stick a Forks in these, they're wrecked!

wv: pleme. Bacon cakes cause pleme in my throat.

jengersnap said...

The real question: "What if I'm not the bacon?"

Laura said...

I'm SO glad everyone else thought it said "What if I'm not the nerd?" too. I haven't been exposed to Twilight so I wasn't sure if that had something to do with the plot or not.

Sexy Sadie said...

Actually, you are the nerd.

alijacket said...

LMAO @ all the nerd and bacon comments.

I have to say, while I do love this site, I'm a bit bothered that it's now connected to something so gross/tacky/horrible as twilight. :(

Mari said...

Since I've not been indoctrinated into the Twilight *ahem* group - I had NO IDEA that it said 'What if I'm not the hero'.
I really thought it said nerd. It appears that I'm not the only one! :D

Teechur said...

I love black icing. That's my color of choice, with dark deep blue as a followup, whenever I buy cupcakes or cake for my students. Nothing like a bunch of nerds walking around with greenish black teeth. What must their parents think of me?

Little Lovables said...

http://melissacakeytime.blogspot.com/2009/08/twilight-and-new-moon-cakes.html

here are two really good Twilight cakes!

Bonnie said...

i just saw this post today and had to crack up over it...the one with the hand drawn eddie and bella looks like the classic scene from Gone with the Wind to me...I know, I'm from Atlanta and named after their daughter so I probably see Gone with the Wind in a lot of things that aren't GWTW related, but that totally looks like Clark Gable...I see a mustache...

also, I sense a t-shirt: What if I'm not the nerd?....hahahahaha...

~Bonnie B

L said...

"What if I'm not the nerd?"

"Well, you definitely wouldn't be getting this wrecktastic cake, that's for sure."

john (the hubby of Jen) said...

Alijacket,

Wash you talkin' 'bout Willis?!?

We are in no way affiliated with Twilight any more than we are affiliated with Harry Potter. They just wanted to chat with Jen. We chatted. It was fun. That's it.

john

Anonymous said...

Awesome! I'm not afraid to admit that I LOVE Twilight. Can't wait for New Moon.

SAHM said...

I *think* on the last cake it's supposed to be the covers of the Twilight books - apple, flower, ribbon, and chess piece ... though I'll admit it does look like bacon. :-)

Crystal said...

The third one really wasn't that bad! I mean, sure, she was looking a bit heavy, but give them an A for effort.

angel_Jean said...

I read through the 'What if I'm not the nerd' and 'is that bacon' comments wondering if nobody read the previous comments ... then I looked at the times. About 70 comments posted between 9.33 and 10.04 ... they simply didn't get the chance to read the previous comments because they hadn't been published!

I'm glad someone could explain the bacon for me though.

Anonymous said...

I'm with you, Jen...I hate that time after time, the skinny chicks always get the sparkly immortals...So funny!

Anna said...

Sorry, I'm not a Twilight fangirl so I have to ask: In reference to the last cake, why is there bacon on it? Is bacon some sort of Twilight reference? It looks like bacon to *me* anyway...

Anonymous said...

I read "What if I'm not the hero?" as "What if I'm not the nerd?"

I think it was more fun my way. heh.

Tracibub said...

Ha!! I was coming to check comments to see if anyone else thought "nerd" for "hero" and I am NOT disappointed! *whew*

Aviatrix said...

Anyone who slogged through all the nerds and bacons was rewarded with Kirakira's contribution, the funniest cake of the lot. Jen/John: you must feature it more prominently. I'm still laughing at it.

wv:feitio ... I'm imagining not just lips and poo being funny colours after this.

Bookworm said...

The 3rd is actually really pretty. Even though I'm not a big TWILIGHT fan...

cheesufruit said...

I'd like to add my bacon and "What if I'm not the nerd" comments to everyone elses.

Also, the drippy blood cake almost made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. I love your commentary, it just makes my day! (When I'm not recoiling in horror from the terribly bad cakes you sometimes find.)

holly said...

Hey Anon at 12:37 - I do generally read every post. Doesn't mean I can't put my vote in for nerd/hero and/or bacon. Because other people have seen the same thing, we're all not entitled to voice our opinion??

Amanda said...

Hahaha. I recognize the obscure reference on the last cake. It's actually a cake making fun of the whole Twilight obsession in general. It may be a LiveJournal thing...but it's the bacon that gives it away.

There's a really bad spoof fanfiction (involving the ever-present Mary Sue, Bella), where after she gives birth to her baby, her...um...ladyparts are left in disarray. And the totally intelligent, sparkly hero Edward heals them...using bacon.

It's not a wreck because it was meant to be ugly and awful and have a stupid quote. Spoof cakes ftw!

Victoria said...

I thought it said "What if I'm not the nerd?",too. In fact, after I saw the chess piece, I was sure of it. Then I noticed that it was supposed to be something off the cover, and the other things were supposed to be the apple, bloodied flower, and ribbon from the other book covers. But what if it actually said "nerd"? That would actually be pretty funny...

And had anyone wondered what would happen if we shouted out "What if I'm not the nerd?" or "Is that bacon on that cake?" in the middle of class or some equally mundane situation? Hmm. Just might try it.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me, or does the sparkly vampire guy look better in blobby icing than as an over-smooth, Photoshopped failed girl?

Sokudo said...

Yeh, nerd. Nerd works a lot better than hero.

Just be glad these weren't cakes re-enacting the pregnancy from the last book. Scarred for life, I guarantee.

Anonymous said...

Yep, seconding (thirding, fourthing??) the "nerd" thing.

Hyla said...

ON that last cake..is that bacon???

And to me it reads
"What if Im not the nerd?"

Hannah Turner said...

Ahaha...I totally thought it said What if I'm not the nerd. OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, was I the only one who saw a slice of BACON on the top of that last cake???? Bacon makes everything better...........but I"m not so sure that gos oh-so-perfectly with...erm...twilight-cake.

BackdropShadow said...

I agree with everyone else, I SEVERELY thought that it said, "What if I'm not the nerd?" I was like, Aw... is that some kind of sick joke? That's god awful!


-Faren

Amber said...

Forget the text...is that bacon in the middle?

Anonymous said...

I'm wondering why there is bacon on the top of this cake. That IS bacon, right?

Janet said...

I also thought that last one said "nerd" instead of hero. However, I was more concerned about the bacon??? on top.

Deylah said...

That last cake there looks like it has pieces of actual bacon on it... O_o

Jenn H said...

What is that? Bacon?

Jenn H.

Virginia said...

Please to create a "What if I am not the nerd?" T-shirt!!!!!

Anonymous said...

does nobody read the comments before they post? every single one of these comments says the exact same thing. yes, nerd. we get it.

RJLittle said...

*sorts through all the comments for an explanation for the bacon*
Oh, a ribbon, I see. I knew just enough to get that the apple and the chess piece were on the covers of the books, and the only other cover I knew about has something to do with a flower. I wonder if that folded up lump next to the "ribbon" is supposed to be the flower. It appears to be on a green stick, after all.
When I saw the "Forks Twilight" cake, I thought "forks" was supposed to be a euphemism for a different f word. More of an anti-Twilight cake. Perhaps not, though.
But, forget vampires. Zombies and ghosts are where it's at ^_^

Katharine said...

Hey... is it just me or does it look like that last cake has bacon on it?

khatlin said...

Is that bacon?

Doctor Professor Lipton Flavanoid said...

Ha ha ha I so thought that said "What if I'm not the nerd?" Glad I'm not the only one!!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I thought it said "nerd", too.

Kyrsten said...

I definitely thought the last cake said nerd and not hero. Twilight fandom is rather scary. O.o

I feel the need to see some good and bad Harry Potter cakes after this. :D

Anonymous said...

I totally read that last one as:

"what if I'm not the NERD" as well.

LOL, the best cake ever!

Anonymous said...

maybe they hate twilight, and "forks twilight" is just a witty wordplay expressing this... XD

1nes said...

actually, isabella's birthday cake looks pretty good. i didn't even notice the man hands until you mentioned it. (name's kinda coincidence since bella' full name in the book is isabella- i know, twilight fan =D )

but marleta's...... well, there's always halloween and next year

the forks one looked like puddles of shiny blood at first rather than apples...

and i can't believe that piece of tongue licking the stem on the bacon strip made it onto the cake....

am i the only one that thought the ribbon looked like a tongue?

alphasixteen911 said...

I guess I'll be the 280st person to say, "What if I'm not the nerd?" I actually stared at the picture for a while trying to figure out if it was supposed to be a parody of lines from the book before reading on to see that I misread it...

Word verification: proco - That's so "proco", you know?

Anonymous said...

I’m going to repeat what I said about the first Twilight cake wreck: I’m pretty sure even the most die-hard Twilight fan at my school would turn against it if they saw this. That, or murder every baker in the world.

For those of you who saw “What if I’m not the nerd?” (I belong to that group, by the way), consider how long Edward’s gone to school. Now consider how old he is (vampire age, people!) He’s either:
A. the ultimate nerd (he keeps going back)
B. extremely stupid (see above reason)

Personally, I chose B. Why do you think it says, “What if I’m not the nerd?”

P.S. Does anyone else notice how nasty tasting black icing can be? That’s why these wrecks are covered in it. It shows how disappointed Carlisle and Esme are that Edward keeps having to repeat. So when he eats it, he tastes their disappointment! Of course, to him, regular food is what dirt is to us. But, you know, either way it works.
-Madison

Anonymous said...

UMM... IS THAT BACON FOR THE RIBBONS??? LOL

Anonymous said...

I totally thought that last one said what if Im not he nerd!! and I thought thats what you ment about choosing the right text!! then I read the rest of your comment...

Whitegirl716 said...

Sorry, I agree with everyone else, when I read that last cake I read, "What if I'm not the nerd?" Those cakes are really special.

Kasey said...

I was thinking it said nerd too :-S

likeytocooky said...

Is that bacon on the last cake? I like bacon. Bacon would be good on chocolate cake. And all that black frosting? I am currently picturing a screaming horde of twilight fans with black teeth. But bacon is good. Bacon is very good. Bacon can make even Edward taste LOOK good. Look. Like bacon. yum.

KirstyR said...

If you can possibly read another comment... My husband wondered if the bloody cake was the result of a misfortunate cake order/shopping list mix-up. The person wrote their shopping list, they needed three items:
Forks
Twilight (cake)
red peppers

Cupcakes Lady said...

I read that last one as "What if I'm not the nerd". Awww...cute :) xx

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