Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Halloween Heckling

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

This season is almost too easy for snarks like me. C'mon, right now this is what passes for cake decorating:

And they say cake art is dead. Pfft.

Bakeries, of course, love it. Every conceivable mistake, no matter HOW bad, can now be made into a Halloween design.

Have a Barbie bride cake that's gone horribly wrong? Noo problem:

Voila! A ghost!

Did your icing bag explode in big globby piles on a cake board? We can work with that.

Just be sure to label it, so folks know what it is. See, now that it SAYS "Evil Witch Hat" you can totally see it, right? Er. Right?

What's that? Your bats don't look like bats? S'ok. We have a giant piece of plastic for that:



And hey, do you have any leftover stock we can make into Halloween designs? You know, like maybe some smiley faces? Oh, good! See, just add some fangs...a little broken English...and...


Ta daa! Now it's a vampire!


I know it's a stretch, Darshani, Bettina G., Shayne H., Kylie K., Lauren, & Rachel J., but don't worry; it's Halloween. People will totally buy it.

- Related Wreckage: E.T. is Back...
Debbra said...

Talk about total contrast!! The banner ad shows cute little owl cupcakes and on the same page is that blob of dung colored frosting with the freaky eyeball.

Only on Cake Wrecks!! You always make my day.

Rachel said...

Oh god, and I thought the stuff at my bakery was ghastly - at least they don't need to label their CCCs as "Pumpkin" like some of these had to!

Taylor@MyOlderBrothers said...

I think the first one was a practice cupcake for one of those little Yorkie dog cakes. And when they screwed it up, they just made it a scary, melted one-eyed Yorkie dog cupcake.

Kelly said...

Is that witch's hat frozen? It looks colder than a witch's - er...a witch's "hat".

WV: cretri Halloween is all about creative cretris like these.

PerkinsClan said...

That first one looks like a poo-puppy with an eyeball smashed into it. A wreck made into a wreck!

Twirly McSwirl said...

I kinda think the ghost looks more like a puppy dog....

Hyacinth said...

Those "decorators" really should be ashamed. Those were beyond Wrecks!

GunDiva said...

This is what happens when you let six year olds in the bakery. Wow, those are truly, classically horrible cakes. Now I'm scared!

Kimberly Chapman said...

"I vant to sook ur blood"?

Okay I get the "vant" part and I'll concede that it probably says "suck" and is just hard to read, but what's up with the "ur"? Is that one of those texting short forms? If so, they get points for extra stupidity and laziness for putting that on a baked item.

Nobody said...

evil witch hat, or poo collection from the dog park? the world may never know......

Niecey said...

I'm in love with evil witch hat. What is it I find so endearing about that cake? But then again, who doesn't love a poo cake with some miscellaneous halloweeny words messily piped on there?

Elizabeth said...

Truly shameful!

agirlinherkitchen.blogspot.com

Etiquette Bitch said...

Evil Witch Hat? More like Evil Poo Hat.

WriteCards said...

A poo pile, no matter how you slice it, is just that . . . a poo pile!

Miranda said...

Lord have mercy. Those look like they were done by three year olds!

Terry Lee said...

okay, so i'm fixated on wreck #3, the "evil witch hat".

are there supposed to be two hats? and how, pray tell, do they resemble an evil witch hat?

it looks to me as if somebody ingested too much red dye #2 and then pooed on the cake board.

sorry. that was entirely too graphic for breakfast time banter. but geeeeez!! what the frick?!?!

Mella said...

I vant to crie

Belle said...

I have never commented here but I just had to say that I was peeing my pants at "EVIL WITCH HAT" especially bc the cake itself didn't look like anything to me, so it seemed like they were just writing words that related to Halloween. Omg so funny.

Charity Charity Ichiban! said...

Sometimes I wonder if Bakers remember they are writing on a cake, not in an IM. "I vant to suck ur blood, kthxbai"

WV - crowner - if I knew the baker, I'd crowner queen of the lolspeak cakes!

Anonymous said...

This is almost too much for one morning!

1. I, as a consumer, would be afraid the baker had actually cut him/herself badly, which would explain some of the finer points of the icing, er, "technique," and also the random sort of bloody-looking bits and pieces hanging on to the left side of this masterpiece. But waste not, want not, and all that.

2. Stacking a pile of dumplings on a cake and then dusting the whole thing with powdered sugar (or is it flour?) does not equal "ghost cake."

3. If the label said, "Cupcake WITH Critters," or even "Cupcake LEFT BY Critters," I would take them at their word on this one.

rachelle said...

I just have to say, i've spent the past 3 or 4 days at work going through the entirety of you blog (what, it's been a slow week!), and it is one of the funniest places i've ever been to on these magical interwebs. Great job, i'll be back daily to check the new, awesome wrecks!!

Katie said...

I don't get how thats an evil witch hat.. in any way. Thats horrible. And a sad thing is, as a cake decorator, i look at these wrecks and say "WHAT THE!!! FU%@ were these wreckerators thinking!!" and then my mom will say how cute it is and how it was such a cute idea for [insert holiday here] and that ghost/barbie cake thing.. one of my co-workers walked up behind me and said "what the heck is that" and im like.. "a cake..." and he says ".. doesn't look like it. " so i said "hence the website.. CAKE WRECKS!!".. lol

Bil said...

Ok, the last one freaks me out the most!!

How is the person holding the "cake" with both hands AND taking the picture? EEEEEK!!

Amanda said...

That first one made me jump out of my chair! Where was the warning?!

the Provident Woman said...

The first one really gave me the creeps. Sorry to whoever made it.

Wanted to share that I have a giveaway on my blog. Just click on the giveaway picture on the right.
theprovidentwoman.com

Shannon said...

Okay. First of all, the first one scared the bejesus out of me. I felt myself making the same surprised face as the...whatever it is. And what IS that eye thingy?

And the witch hats! My first reaction was, roses? Roses that barfed? Roses that a doggie pooed on, perhaps?

Oh, how I love Halloween.

Janine said...

Now I know what's been missing from my life. Funny cake pictures! I don't know why I find them so hilarious, but I'm killing myself laughing. Well done, I'm bookmarking this site for sure.

Yota Armai said...

The wrecks are truly wrecky, but I'm befuddled by the last picture. There is obviously a person holding the cookie cake vampire with both hands, but how did they hold the camera. Do they have a cool super spy bow tie camera?

Janeite Karen said...

Top photo -- WTF????!!! Taylor, LOVE your suggestion that it's a scary one-eyed Yorkie CC. Too funny. Maybe it was modeled after that ugly dog contest.

Stella said...

EYE see you lookin' at me...

Abby Normal said...

I think the wreckporter that took that last photo must have a cyber-camera implanted in their eye. Look at the hands/perspective. That’s even more disturbing than the wrecks... well maybe not that first one.

katrotta said...

What scares me is that people actually buy these things..

Jerry said...

I love #2, the pinhead ghost! Those look like oreo eyes and a nose, I would buy that.

Half Assed Kitchen said...

These "decorators" may as well start labeling their creations Cake Wrecks Bound. They've gotta know where they're gonna end up.

Amy said...

Bad so hilariously bad.

~Amy B-H

Hobbit said...

Wow....Just.....Wow. Even on Halloween these (especially the first one) should not have left the bakery.
And those 'Evil Witch Hats' were maybe AFTER Dorothy tossed water on them?

Frances Clare said...

ugh that first one made me sick! I can just picture the scene, baker says, "boss come see the cup cake. boss stares for a long time to try and figure out our what it is, and plop, out comes his eye!

i liked that last one most. very tack-full.

Danielle said...

The fangs don't even match! Also, UR is short for "you are" not "your." Texting slang is bad slang, but they could at least use it correctly!

Bek said...

I just find it really disturbing that someone thinks it's ok to put these on store shelves. I mean, no one stops to think, "hmm, maybe this one shouldn't go out there..." A manager doesn't walk by and say, "WTH?" and remove it?

The witch excrement is definitely the grossest thing I've seen in a while.

Melissa (& Billy) said...

The ghost isn't too bad, once you scrape off the mound of frosting on the top.

But the rest? They're what Hallowe'en's all about--stuff too scary for words!!

CookieMonster said...

Oh my word. 'Tis too true, isn't it?

Diana Davis said...

THe Ghost could also be:

a cutey wooty little maltese puppy

a baby seal about to be clubbed

an albino "fry guy"

Hello Kitty after being hit with a hammer. OVer and over.

A dust bunny

a fluffy marshmellow

a warm fuzzy. remember warm fuzzies?

Rainbow said...

That last one looks like a smiley face with its mouth bleeding so it has cotton balls/pieces of tissue on its mouth.

Lady Anne said...

I like the way the bats on the CCC gradually morph into spiders. Very, um, um, interesting. Yeah, interesting ,that's it!

Piece of Cake said...

I wonder how many frosting puppy dogs were harmed in the making of this post. One would think by now bakeries would start banning flash photography in their shops.

msyendor said...

"Mommy, another homemade costume? Why'm I wearing a sheet and auntie's hatbox. And what's that gunk on top of it? Ew, and I think kitty got on the table and puked on it!"

"Dear, you're gonna be a cakewreck this year. Here, toss on some extra sprinkles and sugar."

WV: Prespew -- 'nuf said.

Sarah said...

Oh...wow. I just realized that my dog leaves "witch's hats" on my lawn. Cool - a new, kid-friendly way of discussing such things. Thanks, Cake Wrecks! :)

Anonymous said...

I have a feeling that even if I could see it in person, I still couldn't tell for sure that the Evil Witchie-poo Hat cake actually contains either butter or cream in the frosting.

And now I know that just because you use about ten bucks' worth of frosting, it doesn't mean your final product is worth even four. I learn so much from this blog!

Sherri said...

What a chance for bakeries to recycle all their frozen mistakes! Just save them up for Halloween.

Steph said...

Wow, I really love the second one...it reminded me of a head of a really weird dog.

Katy F. said...

Ew! Those are totally disgusting. What is it about Poo-looking creations and Halloween?

Yota Armai said...

Just glad I'm not the only one who noticed the apparently hands free photography of the last one.

arkie said...

Sometimes, to amuse myself, I make up reasons for other people and why they did something. For the first pic, I think the person was in the process of making an owl, and got fired before finishing. I'm not sure why the wreckorater would have put on one eye before having more frosting on, but I'm pretty sure the intent was an owl.

For the last pic, I have obviously spent too much time thinking about this and reviewing the evidence, but it's plain that it's two people holding the cake, because the sleeves are different. The sleeve on the right has trim at the bottom that I don't see on the left sleeve.
That's my amusement for the day. Thank you.

WV: hualt - someone needs to hualt the production of these cakes.

Kaylyn said...

Okay - it's out there, but the third cake (the second set of bat cupcakes) looks like chromosomes in metaphase to me.

>.<

Oh, dear Anatomy class.

Bonnie said...

Taylor...I think you hit the nail on the yorkie...that's exactly what the scary eyeball cake is...

But I've got to say the craziest one is the evil. witch. hat. WHAT?!!! Are they three separate words or one descriptive phrase? It's really bad when you have to write on the cake what's on the cake and then forget to actually put it on the cake and then end up putting bizarre colored poo blobs on it.

I'm thinking the ghost cake could also be a practice cake. There looks to be some sort of stem on top so I'm wondering if it was an attempt at a pumpkin that ended up getting covered in scraggly strips of white icing.

Ah, Halloween Wreckage...fabulous!

~bonnie b

Amanda said...

The icing on both of those "Bat" CCC's is totally disgusting. What on earth did they do to it to make it look translucent and glistening? And those shades of orange? Where did you even get those from? Bleck! I can't even get past that to even mock the bats. Icky icky icky!

Natballs said...

wow... that ghost cake was FOR SALE?? people would actually buy that?

Attrill said...

Give the person who made the first cake some credit - it VERY hard to have steady hands when Cthulhu is modeling for you.

Tori said...

What is the red thing coming out of the side of the eyeball cupcake?!?!

I went back to look at the last one and it DOES look like two people are holding the cake. But it was funny to imagine how one person could have taken the picture by themselves...

kateribethrose said...

they all look freakish, but the third one, is there any cake under that frosting at all?

amalapropos said...

The first wreck is actually a pretty accurate depiction of "Pet", from the cartoon "Edgar and Ellen"! Pet's supposed to be a hairball with an eyeball...

http://www.edgarandellen.com/images/character/pet-s.gif

JHill said...

I am having a strong urge to scrape these wrecks off the cardboard, place them in a paper bag, set the bag on fire, leave it on somebody's doorstep, ring the bell and RUN!!!!

Sook the Cook said...

How funny!

sallymcvegas said...

I interpreted the first "cake" as being the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Andrea said...

Wow. That first one looks like someone threw up on a cupcake. Or maybe it just makes *me* want to throw up. One of those, anyway.

WV: ircess. There is a real ircess of frosting on some of these cupcakes.

darlingbeatrice said...

The first one looks like one of those Yorkie dog cakes got hit by a car.

Alison G said...

These are brilliantly awful :) I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this but there is a TV show in the UK called 'The Graham Norton Show' presented by....uh you get it :) - well last night he had some of your wrecks on there! Including some luverly holiday turkeys! I must go on about your blog so much loads of people messaged me to tell me it was on :) Glad you are both better too. xxx Alison

Jael said...

I came back to have a second look and am laughing so hard (again) that my uterus hurts from the baby kicking in protest against these atrocities.

The Evil Witch Hat looks kind of like poopy eyeballs staring at me. And staring and staring some more.

Gary said...

I see that another "Cake Wrecks" category is the cake with the label having the least apparent connection with the actual cake. So far, "Evil Witch Hat" is way out in front.

"Evil Witch Hat" does sound like it could be the name of a town in Ohio or Pennsylvania, though. Maybe the ... Evil Witch Hat ... was for the town's anniversary celebration, and those mounds represent some local geological feature ... Or maybe it's an occult message written backward, and the real message is "Tah Chtiw Live."

capri-chan said...

I was singing along to my music when I decided to check CW today. First wreck scared me a bit.

"Kanashii kao wa...yame--JESUS CHRIST."

Katie said...

Everybody's all fixated on the "witch hats," but I just can't get past cake #1. After careful consideration, I have decided that it looks like someone stomped on an ewok.

See? There's a little bit of red gore coming out the side and a proptosed eyeball...

Poor Wicket. Just couldn't move fast enough when those Imperial Scoutwalkers came through.

Red Wolf said...

The first one looks like Pet from Edgar and Ellen.

Home In Wyomin' said...

My first case of Wreck Awareness hit me today in the grocery store looking at a googly-eyed green halloween alien monster ccc thing, and I thought of you and giggled. Alas, no photo evidence as my cell phone was left in the car, but I'll treasure the first wreck experience!

Debbie (Nerd Goddess) said...

Mmmmm... cy-poo.

Summer said...

Hahaha. Love the last one. A smiley that turns to vampire lolz. =D

Summer
A Writers Den
Brown Mestizo

JetpackAngel said...

RACHEL J, submitter of the vampire cookie:

As to the freaky hand thing, my phone doesn't like to trade pictures for some reason. I can take them, I just can't send or receive them. So I asked a coworker to take it for me. I was holding it with one hand, she was holding it with one hand and taking the picture, and we happened to be wearing same-color coats. No, I don't have a third arm or anything like that. :D

Jordyn said...

The scariest thing isn't even that the bakeries make this stuff, it's the fact that people will actually buy it...

Makya said...

I never met a cupcake I didn't like...until today. Your dessert should never look like it's been pre-digested, I believe that's bakery school 101.

Melanie Beasley said...

Don't know if someone else had the same thought, but I read it first as "Evil Witch Heart," which made more sense in the context of the picture. Who wouldn't want to eat the squooshy heart of an evil witch on Halloween?

Anonymous said...

Another question:
Is that first cake an "asshat"?
lactive-wv...oh my.

Mocking

Jessica said...

what in the name of all that is holy was the first one meant to be? why did they feel the eyeball was necessary? i have so many questions!

Anonymous said...

The vampire smilie is buck-toothed, or waggle-toothed, or snaggle-toothed, or something.

"I vant to suck your blood, but I can't. Blah, blah, blah!"

Anonymous said...

The pointy-headed "ghost" worries me the most because... doesn't he look a little too much like a Klansman?

Just the Right Size said...

That second batch of cupcakes look like they're saying: Run, Run, Run, Run!

M said...

Come on, Jen, you're a Geek: that first cake was CLEARLY a shout-out to Lovecraft!

Lieto said...

The first one is so totally a dalek! (And don't even pretend that you haven't seen any Doctor Who. I live in Finland and I have.) Although I will not speculate on whether its before or after it got digested. Still a dalek.

Julia "Lieto" Kylmälä

Anonymous said...

I think that the first one is a shoggoth or some other hideous mutated monstrosity.
It's pretty scary anyway.

Make Life Interesting said...

Regarding that first one, I can't understand the icing "technique" on that one. The eyeball makes more sense. That has to be the worst cake I've ever seen.

emily said...

i like how the evil witch hat store label says "cupcake critters"

Anonymous said...

Maybe the wreckerators have something. The more ugy the cake, the more sales there are. Because, you know, it's Halloween, the one time of year people actually want ugly cakes. (Unless you're celebrating the birthday of someone you reeeaallly hate.)
-Madison