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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Well, This Is Awkward

We at Cake Wrecks realize that there are some of you who don't celebrate Christmas. Or Hanukkah. Or Kwanzaa. Or any other winter holiday. Heck, you probably don't even like winter all that much. Or snow. Or puppies. Basically, there's just no making you happy. So, in an effort to placate your scrooge-ish sensibilities, today's commentary will be completely made up of awkward, holiday-free small talk. Enjoy.

So... how 'bout this weather, huh?

Yep...I hear it might even hit 20 degrees tonight. Here! In Florida! Crazy.

...

So...

Have you heard if they canceled Castle? 'Cuz that would be a bummer for Nathan Fillion.

You know, the guy from Firefly?

Firefly. C'mon: the Joss Whedon show? Really popular? No? You've...never seen it. Oh. Um. Never mind.


So... [puffing out cheeks]...yeah.


Uh... Chris, right? What do you do again?

Oh, you're an accountant. Great.


You know, my lawn is just completely dead.

...

Probably the cold.


So... how do you know Janet?

Bunko, huh? Huh. I've heard that's...fun.

[checking watch]


Hey, you know what I could use? A beer. [elbowing ribs] Nothing better on a cold night, am I right? Eh? Can I grab you one?

Oh. You don't drink. [nodding] Well, good! Good for you.

[scratching ear]


Now there is a smokin' fine woman. Hoo whee! Get a looksie at that caboose!

....

I'm terribly sorry. I didn't realize you had a daughter.



Do you know where the bathroom is? Over there? Oops, Janet just went in. Guess I'll just wait.

[fidgeting] [sigh] [adjusting cufflinks]



Woo boy. I'm getting kinda hungry... think I'll go check out that cheese platter. Want anything?

Lactose intolerant, huh? Bummer. Well, it was great talking to you... Christine, right? Ok, yeah, I'll talk at you later. You can count on it! Heheh, get it? That's a little number humor for ya.

Oh, and sorry again about the caboose thing. You have a lovely daughter. In fact, I...am leaving now, yes. Sorry. G'night.

Thanks, Tyler L., Vanessa D., Somer P., Reginia B., Rachel H., Jason D., David G., Christina N., & Ashley. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll just be over here sway-dancing in the corner and trying to avoid eye-contact.

-------------------------------------------------

CCC Day #10

Heifer International works to end hunger and poverty and care for the earth by providing gifts of livestock and training so that communities can generate sustainable incomes.

Please click here to donate your dollar.

98 comments:

  1. Was that supposed to be Frosty the Snowman?

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  2. Could you please create the CCC tab again this year? That way we can easily get to the links for donating without digging back through the posts. Thanks!

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  3. Unh,unh,unh...I like zee Franch snowman.

    Funny commentary too, John.

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  4. What is the thing on the French snowman's crotch?
    - Janet

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  5. Castle cancelled?? Don't scare me like THAT!! I had to rush off to Google that to see if it were true. It's not true, right?

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  6. @Janet - It's probably just snowballs. LOL!

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  7. Why does the Pac-Man cake say "Happy Holidays?"

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  8. Is that a squished black cat on the belly of the snowman (who, by the way, looks like he could be a mariachi singer)?

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  9. Is that a black cat running across the snowman's belly? Really???

    I'm in the dark on several of the other ones.

    Sharon's Edible Art

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  10. why is the French snowman being attacked by a tarantula? why does the gingerbread nun wear a bowtie and buttons? (sorry, that white icing looks a bit like a wimple)

    why did someone stab the helpless bear face with a triangle and then dust it with cocoa powder over the eyes? how inhumane! (I hope it's already dead)

    at least we solved the mystery about what happened to the dinosaurs. they ate the holly berries. or the gray green icing. I love how the one just plopped onto the writing on the cake.

    #5 just scares me.

    What is wrong with Pacman's mouth? how nice of him to make a showing for Christmas. Maybe it was a way to salvage a cookie cake that someone "sampled."

    "Hey, look at the wedge cut out of that cake! who's eating the cookies?? Who was it? It's coming out of your pay, we can't sell it now!"

    "Uh, wait, we can salvage this!" *grabs yellow icing bag and a Hershey's kiss* "Voila!"

    Next: "uh, these dogs aren't selling. How can we try to market them for Christmas?"

    "Wait, I know!" *grabs red and green spray guns* "Voila!"

    That last one is psychedelic. Christmas ornaments? A solar system? Kandinsky would be proud. surreal, man.

    so, um, maybe these are Festivus cakes? especially if we see one with a pole jammed into it. Hey, that reminds me of Sandra Lee's maypole cake!

    I need some eggnog. stat.

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  11. Do not even *joke* about "Castle" being cancelled! I must have my weekly dose of Captain Tightpants!!

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  12. Hilarious. And, just for the record, I hope they don't cancel Castle. :)

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  13. My first thought upon seeing #4: "It's Poirot as a snowman!"

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  14. Firefly reference on Cake Wrecks? YAHOOOOOOOO!!!

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  15. I really love the Pac-Man cake - great idea & simple to do!

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  16. LOL, the first half almost sounded like a conversation with me - I don't celebrate any winter holidays, I don't have a TV so I know nothing about current TV shows (or pretty much any in the last 10 years), and I'm lactose intolerant.

    I think I'm a LITTLE easier to talk with than that, though!

    Happy Holidays, and thanks for the wrecks!

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  17. I've had conversations like that. Whether they celebrated Christmas or not.

    Traumatic

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  18. If you're a fan of Nathan Fillion, and baked goods, check out the movie Waitress. He's really cute in it.

    And if you haven't seen Firefly, shame on you! Go purchase it immediately!

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  19. Is that paprika on the second one?!

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  20. I LOVED Firefly! That's why I read this blog - for the obscure but fabulous references.

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  21. OK, I just spent 15 minutes of my work day making sure they hadn't cancelled Castle. NOT funny, Jen! Nathan Fillion is not something you can joke about! :-) *gasping for air* Oh, and the cakes were terrible.

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  22. That awkward small talk was so true!

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  23. Anonymous said...

    My first thought upon seeing #4: "It's Poirot as a snowman!"

    December 22, 2010 10:17 AM

    I <3 you, Anonymous :)

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  24. If people don't know about Firefly then they are lame! And if Castle is cancelled I will be sad!

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  25. I agree with Jenniffer - Castle had better NOT be cancelled! I didn't even care to look at the cakes (or sorry excuses for cakes) today - I was too worried about Castle!

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  26. Firefly is the best!!! Those dang Reavers creeped the bajeebers out of me though.. Can't imagine not celebrating any winter holidays, what will you then get stressed out about if not hosting your 13 people large immediate family while heavily preggers?

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  27. The Evil French Mime Snowman(tm) evidently tripped and fell on a cat. Poor kitty!

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  28. To get to all the charities at once, select the Click Here link, then in the First Giving banner at the top of the page select Home. Type in Jen Yates in the search box and enter. This brings them all up at once. Nice way to see how much each charity raised.

    I think #1 is a snowman skeleton. And I like how someone must have changed their minds about buying a dead dinosaur cake.

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  29. They had better not cancel Castle!

    I like the Charlie Chaplin penguin that got run over by a reindeer. Weird looking, but it made me laugh (as did the rest of your post...except the part about cancelling Castle).

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  30. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT CASTLE BEING CANCELLED!!!! I'm completely addicted. These weeks of no new episodes is driving me nuts!

    -Kate

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  31. Please, please please tell me you're just joking about Castle possible being canceled. BEST COP SHOW EVER. ... well, ok, maybe it ties with Psych...

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  32. BOOOOOOO! I am SO sad to see CW promoting Heifer International :( http://www.examiner.com/vegan-in-national/donations-to-heifer-international-may-do-more-harm-than-good

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  33. Wait... They are thinking about canceling Castle?!?!?! NOooooooo!

    I would cry and so would my husband.

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  34. I'm crossing my fingers for Festivus cakes tomorrow!

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  35. I love the happy birthday/dead dinosaur cake. Being that today is my birthday, I'm doing everything to celebrate that has NOTHING to do with Christmas. No Santa socks, no red t-shirt, NOTHING! Us Christmas babies get the shaft every year. I do not want to celebrate Christmas today. Tomorrow, bring it on. So thanks for meeting my needs with the entire post! :)

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  36. Was that a gingerbread man, or Mr. Peanut?

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  37. #1 bears a striking resemblance to Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. Makes it even worse...

    (And I have to agree...don't scare us like that! Castle and cancelled should NEVER be used in the same sentence!)

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  38. Okay I have to say I check out CakeWrecks every day and I absolutely love it. I do, however, have an issue with being called a scrooge because my religious beliefs and convictions prevent me from celebrating a certain holiday. I don't want to ruin anyone's fun, but I just wanted to say that I myself am VERY happy and winter is my FAVORITE season. I'm not mad and I don't want to make anyone else upset, that's not why I'm posting at all. I just wanted you to know that just because some people may not celebrate the same holidays you do, doesn't mean they're scrooges, and maybe they have a good reason for it.

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  39. What the heck is that red and green blob thing suppossed to be? Egads these are bad.

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  40. ahhh, nathan :)
    the best thing about this post.

    me thinks there should be a fillionverse sunday sweets coming up

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  41. It's a sad day when Pac Man with holly is looking good. Heck, the cookie with weird stockings looked good, compared to the rest of these.

    Aw, crap! I think the last cake is supposed to be holly berries! There are holly leaves on the corners of the cover.

    I was looking at it and I kept thinking . . . "Christmas ornaments?" . . . "Moldy cheese?" . . .

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  42. The first one looks like Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo (from Southpark). I would have bought it BECAUSE it looks like that!

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  43. LOL -- Do you read Working Daze comic strip? If not, you should.

    First photo -- scariest thing is, there appears to be an army of those things. In Florida.

    *sigh* I think you just pulled the best Halloween scare I ever had... at the 'holiday' time of year. Castle and cancelled in the same sentence? Total horror! How could you?? (I love when he brings his Mal character into the current series.) I love the pause button, too. *sigh*

    People must really hate having birthdays at *********. Y'know, that time of year some people celebrate, and others don't?

    Speaking of Halloween... is that French snowman from the Nightmare Before... said unsaid holiday?

    I'm at a loss on the red blob with lopsided lips.

    A pac-man holiday? Jeepers, every video game is now trying to barge into the season.

    I can see why you were headed to the bathroom after that red/green blobbed ?dog?

    Dang it! These posts affected my sight so badly, now I'm seeing red and green glowing spots!!

    Lovely banter in the grocery store. lol

    Keep the crazy coming...
    ~~Di

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  44. Yay for the Poirot reference. Yay for the Dec 22 birthday reference- me too. LOVE..the "sway-dancing" reference. We ALL know what that looks like.

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  45. The fifth one down looks like it's going to start singing "Mammy."

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  46. Speaking of Nathan Fillion, Firefly and Castle, this clip will never get old for those of us who love them all.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Q3pdj9p6yI

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  47. Are you sure that top one isn't Mr. Hankie the Christmas Poo from South Park?

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  48. Ok please DO NOT joke about Castle being canceled! Some nasty cake-y things in this post today though...

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  49. I'm so happy Castle isn't canceled! How would I get my weekly dose of Fillion(without watching Firefly over and over and over again, like I already do?)!?

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  50. oh man, a non vegan charity. i guess I'll give my dollar to someone else today.

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  51. Let's see. As an anonymous commenter already pointed out, the Pac-Man cookie is "simple and easy to do."

    Buy a big cookie at the store. Next, you will need frosting. Two or three pounds ought to do, but it must be yellow. If you don't have yellow frosting, use butter. If you don't have that either, you can use lard with half a bottle of yellow food coloring mixed in. Add a few drops of vanilla extract and drink the rest.

    Grab a trowel from the tool shed and apply the frosting. If you get it on anything except the cookie, you have to start over from the beginning.

    Finally, have someone who actually knows how to do stuff cut out the mouth and write your message, and you're done! No one will know that you don't care in the slightest.

    I am offended, though, that the cookie in the picture mentions 'holidays'. How exclusivistic (if that's even a word) and insensitive. Couldn't it have just said, 'Happy Days'? No one will think it refers to the TV show, because it's a Pac-Man cookie.

    MC & HNY

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  52. I know who the first on is!! Its Mr Hanky The Christmas Poo!! Gotta be a South Park fan to know who that is.....

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  53. Uh Jen....you might want to post a disclaimer to note that Castle is NOT canceled and is not in any danger of being canceled. I about had a hear attack.

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  54. My heart stopped a little when I saw "Castle" and "cancel" in the same sentence. Don't DO that!!!

    Oh and BTW... how much do my fellow Firefly fans love the Firefly references they sneak into Castle every now and then? Huh? I KNOW!!!

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  55. Wait! I see the flying saucers! Wait. No. It's just fireflies.

    Great holiday scare piece.

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  56. Hey, this may have already been mentioned, but you may want to think twice about donating to Heifer. It's a nice idea, but the people who even get some of these animals cannot afford to care for them and they often die of sickness or disease. baby chickens that are shipped overseas often die before they get to where they're going. Additionally, Heifer has already been featured on Oprah, so even if they're good all around, they've already gotten TONS of publicity.

    As an animal lover, I ask that you look into this organization a little more closely, and maybe pick a charity that could use the bump, or at least something more local.

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  57. Joking about Castle being cancelled is NOT funny. The rest of the post, however, was giggle-worthy. Although I should mention that I've known some very amusing and easy to talk to accountants.

    As for the "cakes":
    #1 Is that a bow-tie? Or is this character like a St Bernard, just carryign candy rather than rum?

    #2 if my head were impaled by a triangle, I'd be bug-eyed with a mouth frozen as an "O" too!

    #3 You know a cake's bad when even the PLASTIC (inanimate) skeleton (long-deceased) dinosaurs (long, long extinct) keel over! Bit concerned about the red droppings and weirdly spread icing, too

    #4 The snowman ate the cat? or is he participating in the ugly sweater contests too?

    #5 what IS that? no, wait, I don't want to know...

    #6 Sad. But at least I can figure out what they are. Which is more than I can say for most of today's wrecks

    #7 I do not want to know what led to this slice-removal. Given the unappetizing leaching of green and red icings, and the sinking feeling of the holly and berries, I'll pass. To another bakery...

    #8 What's with all the green and orange? And what IS that supposed to be? It's so revolting-looking, can this be one of those cakes the wreckerators have to eat as punishment?

    #9 I think someone's gotten into the "special" cake a bit much...

    @Kelli-- happy birthday! It's my bday too. The work cake was almost badly enough decorated to be eligible for CW! So, so close :)

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  58. Castle canceled??? You shut your mouth! I had to verify that it was indeed renewed. *phew* I love me some Nathan Fillion!

    Thanks for keeping me continually amused all year. Happy Holidays and have a great New Year!

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  59. The awkard person is named Christine? C'mon, we Christine's already are associated with demonic cars and songs about mental illness. Don't dogpile :-(

    PS They cancelled Epcot? But, Captain Eo was so cute in his brown coat.

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  60. @Beth--you forgot to mention Nathan's a frisky gynecologist.... now there's incentive to watch, ladies! and baked goods--pies with very funny suit-the-mood-of-the-baker names.

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  61. Reading a Castle, Joss Whedon AND Firefly reference in one blog made me very happy. Just hoping that they DONT cancel Castle like everyone says. That is one of my absolute favorite favorite current shows right now.

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  62. I don't celebrate Christmas, hate winter, rarely drink, am lactose intolerant and my husband is an accountant. So while I am feeling a little made fun of at the moment I still love the blog (both of them!). See I'm fun!!!!

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  63. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

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  64. And to think these items are all availabe at fine baking establisments!!? I don't even recognise some of them as an edible food product.

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  65. A lot of my friends celebrate Newtonmas.

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  66. Love the cakes, but Castle isn't cancelled! And it won't be *crosses fingers*

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  67. I laughed really hard when I saw the fruffy mound of white icing spray-painted green.
    Then I laughed really hard when I saw that it was a lap dog.
    Then I just said "What the heck???" over and over when I noticed the size of the dog's head.

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  68. This made me sad and kind of offended... you're really purporting the idea that people who don't celebrate any holidays are miserable human beings that hate puppies? Just because I don't have a faith or anything doesn't mean I hate everything... thank you so much for helping spread this horrible stereotype. I would have expected better.

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  69. Hey, I celebrate yule. How about some cakes celebrating the sun returning and old norse gods? I'll even settle for a Wild Hunt cake...

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  70. Hilarious, as always.

    So glad to see Heifer International promoted on the site. My grandparents have volunteered at the Heifer International Ranch in Arkansas for almost 14 years, and have made several trips to other countries to see the good that the organization is doing firsthand. Amazing stories. I love what you're doing for donations, as well as the blog!

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  71. I'm glad I'm not the only one who had to go Google about Castle! Don't DO that to me!!!

    Best show on tv, hands down.

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  72. There are people out there who don't watch Castle? Or know who Nathan Fillion is? Why are they even wasting their time breathing?? LOL

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  73. john (the hubby of Jen)December 22, 2010 at 9:38 PM

    C'mon guys,

    Really? Do you really think we're suggesting that people who don't celebrate this time of year are scrooges? Really? Do you really think that Jen and I believe that if you don't celebrate Christmas, you don't like puppies and snow?

    I just... I can't...

    john

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  74. I missed the crucial "if" in the Castle statement, and my first thought was that if anyone would know about Castle being canceled, it would be Jen! I about died. I didn't make it back to the cake post for a good 5 minutes as I googled frantically. Whew. It's good to see I'm not the only commenter that was worried. I LOVE that show.

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  75. Anonymous said...
    @Beth--you forgot to mention Nathan's a frisky gynecologist.... now there's incentive to watch, ladies! and baked goods--pies with very funny suit-the-mood-of-the-baker names.

    :) Frisky, yes. No one does that combination of awkward/flirty/sweet better than Nathan.

    You can also read more about the amazingly talented woman who wrote, directed, and acted in the movie, Adrienne Shelly, at this great fansite: http://waitressmovie.net/the-cast-crew/adrienne-shelly/

    Some of the hilarious pie names and even recipes are also here: http://waitressmovie.net/jennas-pies/

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  76. Andy, thanks for posting the "space cowboy" clip! (I still enjoy watching it.) I remember I got so excited I nearly pee-ed my pants when that episode of Castle started!

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  77. Castle is definitely the best show on tv right now! And totally agree that Firefly is awesome. I didn't watch it until it was already off the air but have seen it at least 2-3 times already. LOVE the Firefly references they sneak into Castle too, especially his Halloween costume this season!!

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  78. My name is Stacey, and I am a Browncoat!

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  79. I've visited today's CWs three times (morning, noon, night) with the hope that at least some of them would make some sense later in the day. Didn't happen. Especially the last two. Very confused. Going to bed now. Need sleep.

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  80. Bite your tongue on any possible cancellation of Castle! It's doing well in the ratings. I think we're safe.

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  81. I just realized how often I need some explanation to go with the cakes as I'm looking at them to understand what they are supposed to be! Ahahaha...ha?

    p.s. I celebrate both puppies AND snow, so no worries here. ;)

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  82. 1. Love the commentary.
    2. If you (the reader, not the writers) don't like the charity du jour, then don't donate. Simple.
    3. I never take the commentary or intros too seriously, as the whole purpose of this blog is to provide humor, and hopefully I'm not in the minority. I don't believe I've ever been offended by anything I've seen or read here. You all rock.

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  83. Aeii! Poirot zee Snowman - he 'as fallen on a chat and smashed eet flat!

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  84. john - Don't waste any energy or brain cells worrying about it! Some people are just looking for a reason to be offended. Too sensitive and self-absorbed. Waaa. (On the other hand, my prior statements may be offensive to them. Hm. If the shoe fits...)

    You and Jen are fantastic and big-hearted with wicked senses of humor!

    Merry Christmas!

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  85. Geez, people, it's a JOKE! Why do you read this blog if you can't take a joke???

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  86. Dare I even ask why there are dead skeletons of dinosaurs on that one birthday cake? Is it a hint the person is an old fossil? If so I would throw the cake at whoever brought it home lol.

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  87. Seriously! The Wreckenators need to lay off the booze...

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  88. I've looked at today's post several times, and #1 is one of the California Raisins. No, I don't know why.

    #3 The Cake That Time Forgot.

    #8 If I get out the 3-D glasses, will I see something that makes sense?

    #9 Holly picks at each corner, dark green border, mysterious red splotches outlined in green, white background. Put them all together, and you have conclusive proof of extraterrestrial life.

    That is, if the Mars Rovers do find evidence of life on that planet, it will be a bakery -- the headquarters of the bakeries that produce wrecks like this one. They live among us.

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  89. Oooh.. you scared so many poor people. Thankfully Castle is doing just great and ABC is very happy with the way it's performing...if you're every worried - keep an eye on the fan site for any news (check out the spoilers there too *wink*) it's the most accurate source of info.

    http://www.castletv.net

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  90. Very shiny! Love the Firefly reference.

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  91. Ok, I was going to comment, but y'all got it covered, I see. ROFLMAO.

    Oh, wait, I got something. That thing, the one with the triangular tag stuck in it? I thought it made sort of a cute Santa, in a sort of post-modern kind of way. Other than that, these are the Ugliest Pastries this month.

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  92. Oh my god I just had a mini panic attack when I thought Castle had been cancelled! I actually had to go to google and check. It was a scary moment.

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  93. Heifer is the only charity I will not donate to. I have my reasons.

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  94. I love the snowman, he reminds me of a Tim Burton movie, he looks like he belongs with the homicidal ghost penguins. Encore Encore
    Toni

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  95. Thanks for the LOL. I can't be bothered to make small talk with the fam anymore, it's already been 4 days with them!, and now they think I'm crazy for laughing because they don't know I'm reading cakewrecks :)
    merry christmas :)

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  96. OMG, I LOVE Firefly!! I was heartbroken they only got to make one season. Serenity helped wrap some stuff up, but Firefly should have been given a chance. Nathan Fillion was also in season 7 of Buffy, he played the creepy priest working for the First.

    Elizadeath

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