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Monday, December 20, 2010

Operation: Jingle Bells

We here at the TSA believe that all potential-terrorist passengers should feel safe when they fly, even when they aren't. We also believe that there are literally billions of people in the world who want to kill us right now with their nail clippers and 3.01 oz containers of breast milk.

Therefore, after careful consideration, we have decided to institute stricter flight regulations and security screenings on all of Santa's reindeer.

What?!?


You heard us. Please remove your laptops and any loose change from your harnesses.


But...but...


That search comes later.


Well, you have my full attention.


Mr. Blitzen, you've been randomly selected to receive our enhanced "Freedom Pat" screening. Please step over here and spread your hooves.

Wait a minute, we're the good guys! We deliver joy and gifts to all the good children of the world!

We beg to differ. Remember the Twinkle Light Bomber?


Hey, that was an accident! And Dasher said he was sorry.


Ok, Mr. Blitzen, now we're going to slooowly slide our open palm up your inner flank...

Dude. You guys handle my jingle bells and we're going to have issues.


We're sensing some hostility here. Let's all just caaaalm down. Tell you what: after we're done with your group cavity search, why don't we all sing a festive holiday ditty together?

I really don't feel like singing right now.


Oh, come on. It'll make you feel better! [singing] Feliz Navidad...


I'm feeling...violated.


Feliz Navidad!

[gasping] Cold...hands...


Feliz Navidad,
Prospero Año y Felicidad!

That's it. Santa, next year we're walking.

.
.
.
.


Everybody now!
Feliz Navidad

do do do do do...

(Now with leg kicks!)
Feliz Navidad


do do do do do...

Feliz Navidad

Prospero Año y Felicidad!


The TSA would like to wish you all many enjoyable flights this holiday season, and also to remind you to pick up your souvenir backscatter photos once you've passed through security:

(Photo via BoingBoing)

Hellooo, Christmas cards!


Thanks to Kirstie, Penny V., Kelly O., Used Tire (if that's your REAL name), Jen, Lisa A., Caine I., Carrie N., Carissa H., & Amanda P., who believe that a song in one's heart and a hand up one's flank make for a truly festive holiday.


------------------------------------------

CCC Day #8


Today's charity is The Water Project. These guys use 100% of all donations to drill wells and provide clean drinking water to developing nations. Believe it or not, nearly 1 billion people on the planet lack this basic life-need. Every $10 donated provides a person with clean water for 10 years.

Go here to donate your $1.

48 comments:

  1. hahaha I loved this.

    When I flew last weekend, I stepped into the x-ray machine and said, "I'm ready to be violated." The worker didn't think it was as funny as I did.

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  2. Are there really food-safe decorations that look like Christmas tree light bulbs and ornaments, or should we even go there? "Give little Johnny the piece with the choking hazard, please. It will kill him long before the lead paint will."

    And a Feliz Navidad to you too.

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  3. Perfectly hilarious. I ranted on the TSA after flying with the baby...did you know that babies are scary and might bring down a plane? Me either.

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  4. OMG. This was awesome! I love it. You really had me laughing today. Thanks, and nice job again!

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  5. Hey Chuck, this is your cousin, Marvin Berry...you know that new Christmas song you've been looking for? Listen to this:

    Run, run Rudolph, Santa’s got to make it to town
    Santa make him hurry, tell him he can take the freeway down
    Run, run Rudolph, whizzing like a merry-go-round

    I thought that song would be more appropriate. Rudolph needs to run away, run away from the TSA!

    Or you can go with the latest: Grandma got Molested at the Airport.

    Notice how most of the reindeer's eyes look like this: O.o

    I would too.

    wv: coplow: The sound chocolate icing makes when it hits the cake such as #3, 4, 5, 6, 7 & 9.

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  6. Thanks for the giggles. totally what's needed on a Monday morning!

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  7. #8 CCC was actually kinda cute, if they had left off the plastic Santa flying across his forehead. (WHY would you put that on there to begin with?) Oh, and the unattached antlers... but for a CCC he was kinda cute. I know, I know, hang me now... :)

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  8. Sandy C also in SoFlaDecember 20, 2010 at 10:15 AM

    These are just plain aweful! And we weren't disapointed as there was even a poo wreck.

    Thank's for the chuckle... I'm sure you'll be hearing frm the TSA soon...

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  9. Funny! But, unfortunately, you're most likely on the TSA Watch List now...

    Merry Christmas!

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  10. I'm laughing out loud at this one and simultaneously feeling really grateful I'm staying home this year.

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  11. What is with the green mustaches?

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  12. *giggle*

    Ok, so more like a *guffaw*.

    Especially when I saw the reindeer with the antlers shocked right off his head!

    Thank you sooo much for making Navidad so Feliz!! (I think those reindeer would appreciate a little less Feliz)

    ~~Di

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  13. These are great!! I love how there are so many inedible bits atop the cakes! Why are they there??

    When I flew for thanksgiving I was neither x-rayed or patted down and I flew from Hartford to Orlando and back again. Both are big international airports. Hartford didn't seem to have any of the fancy new machines and Orlando only had a couple (I was in a different line). I probably just got lucky, but it was not my worst flight experience, by far!

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  14. Hilarious post! watch out for those 3.1 oz bottles of breast milk! They really have the "deer in the headlights" look down, eh?

    #1 Love how they go crosseyed. but why are their skinny antlers radiating out of their eyeballs? are they smoking from the x-ray? looking a little bunnyish around the lower part of the face, too...

    What's the fascination with pretzel ears? are they PC--as in safe with no points? how does a hunter brag about a pretzel headed antler? ("uh, he didn't really have any points, but he had LOTS of salt grains!")

    @Sandy--look again...2, 4, & 5 are a little poo-suspicious. Loafy even.

    What's with all the GLASS Christmas lights on CAKE? is this the bakery's way of being green and "recycling" old burned out light bulbs? Environmentalism run amok....

    I love #9. the reindeer's cute in his panicky kinda way. he looks like he's been caught guilty with all that red stuff (scattered around him) stashed on his person. meanwhile, "cold...hands" made me LOL when I saw the Sinister Snowman RIGHT BEHIND HIM.

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  15. @Loo-E-Loo-I--ROFL!

    "Grandma Got Molested at the Airport"! That's running in my head right now. That song TOTALLY needs lyrics. And a spoof on Youtube!!

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  16. Hey Jo, they already made it!

    Grandma got Molested at the Airport
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Qdb6wC0Iz4

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  17. What are all of those light bulbs made of? Are they real bulbs? That would explain the "shocked" expressions!

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  18. Fantastic. One of your best posts.

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  19. Hahaha! These cakes are devastatingly hilarious enough by themselves, but the TSA commentary is the plastic flotsam pizazz on the wrecky shizazz!

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  20. Okay, totally gross reindeer poop with lights/ornaments on cake does not a tasty dessert make. (I had no idea how to punctuate that).

    Also? There is one snowman with freak-me out big black eyeballs like those terrifying Tellytubbies. I would not be asking for a slice, I would screaming and running out the door into the snow, bootless and maniacal.

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  21. I don't know if you already have your charities planned out, but if not I would like to recommend Feeding America. http://feedingamerica.org/default.aspx#

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  22. Detachable antlers...

    And choking hazard lights. Yumm.

    What did those poor reindeer do you anyhow?

    WV: deprenis -- I'm not touching that one.

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  23. This post was made better by the fact that Feliz Navidad was actually playing in the background as I read it.

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  24. OK, three of the cakes include light bulbs (nos. 2, 5 and 10). I think wreckerators are confused by the line "rudolph, with your nose so bright"! And #5 is almost a Hanukkiah (um, same time of year but different religion, folks). Given that the cookie in #2 allows view of the light's base, I think it's safe to say these are decorations rather than actual lights. But that guy does look rather terrifed... and scary.

    Some of them are kinda cute. But #4 and #9... the wreckerator should be forced to eat those. As punishment.

    Loved the TSA jokes... and scans! Just so long as Santa's allowed to fly and American kids don't wake up to empty trees this year (I wonder if the NORAD Santa-spotting site is going to include references to screening delays for US deliveries this year?)

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  25. Thanks for jumping on the bandwagon and disparaging the TSA. We really appreciate it.

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  26. That was great... made my day :-) I loved the expressions. Thanks for sharing!

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  27. Awesome :)

    I wish I would've had my camera with me when I went to the Mall of America! Ohh, the many cookie cake pics I could've sent you....

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  28. I totally agree with the opening commentary. "Take this plane where we tell you, or everybody gets a manicure!" Guess I won't be flying anytime soon, either. What a shame.

    @Danger Boy, babies aren't the only underappreciated threat -- what about little old ladies? I saw a documentary about that very subject, by some guy named 'Monty Python'. Scary stuff.

    On to other things that make no sense... It won't be long before light bulbs can no longer be used to make light, but they make great, kid-safe cake decorations, even if they aren't real. Durity dur dur dur.

    How about frosting? Anyone who knows how to pipe a balloon ought to be able to... never mind. Having seen what wreckerators do to balloons, I'd rather not think about how their 'Christmas lights' might turn out.

    "Raindrops on roses and pretzels on poo-deer..." That's as far as I got. Ideas?

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  29. Inasmuch as reindeer are domesticated caribou, I believe that these wrecks are mostly cari-poo.

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  30. It is very easy to disparage the TSA for doing their job but one must consider that what tactics are being used by the drug cartels of Mexico could also be being used by the bad guys wanting to take down planes. If drug lords can use 94 year old women as mules for carrying drugs across the border, that tactic can be used by the drug dealers. If the drug cartels can sneak drugs across the border in the bodies of lifelike dolls held like real babies, that tactic could be used at airports too.

    Don't you see that whenever your local teens build mailbox bombs out of parts from Wal~Mart that those same bombs at 30,000 would kill everyone on the plane? Yet, you laugh when TSA wants to keep you safe. I will never understand America's fascination with a death wish simply because getting killed is less inconvenient than standing in a line or getting a pat down.

    Nervous about flying? You should be. And that nervousness isn't caused by TSA. They are here, they are already on the planes with you. They just haven't done it again, yet.

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  31. "Freedom Pat"

    That's my favorite. Hilarious, as always :)

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  32. Ah, some much needed comic relief! I love it.

    (And count me in the 'not flying until the TSA gets smacked upside the head' group. I really don't like people screwing around with constitutional rights, especially if it's "for your safety".)

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  33. Best. Post Ever. This one would have even worked without the pics, though it was much funnier with them. Hilarious.

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  34. I am scared that almost all those reindeer looked like smushed piles of poo. But I nearly died laughing at the TSA announcements lol. Hilarious. If only Santa would drop lumps of coal on these wreckerators..

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  35. It's a good thing I didn't read this post this morning, otherwise it may have kicked off a sneaky hate spiral!

    Felize Navidad! Felize Navidad.....

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  36. No guys, that was not Dasher, it was Flasher! Time to write a salacious virgin...
    Norine

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  37. ummm #9 wtf are those smiley lumps in the background?

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  38. Sprinkles on cupcakes and pretzels on pooh deer,
    spelling mistakes or piping everything you hear,
    lopesided collapsing cakes already sliding

    but these are great cakewrecks of which I sing...

    frightening real babies and mohawk carrot jockeys
    flotsam and jetsum to cover the frosting
    all too real body parts are not edible things

    but these are the great cakewrecks of which we sing...

    when the frosting's pooh colored, and we forget spelling..we simply add sprinkles, charge extra for fun and these are the cakewrecks...we bring




    well that's something...someone can add to it or fix it or run away from it...it's harder than it looks to be funny

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  39. 3 reads later and still snickering... thanks! :)

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  40. you can carry more breast milk than 3 oz. they have a tester to check liquids and use it for breast milk only.

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  41. thanks for bringing my whole day down - not a single rude passenger at work today and i come home to relax and get bashed on one of my favorite sites. if i wanted to read about how much people hated me and my colleagues, i'd go read faux news.

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  42. Oh god, that last photo just killed me!!!!!

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  43. john (the hubby of Jen)December 22, 2010 at 12:09 AM

    Hey guys,

    Here's the thing. Some people hate the war in Iraq. But most of the time, those same people are strong supporters of our troops. The current policies of the TSA are funny because they are so absurdly wrong. Almost everyone agrees, regardless of party affiliation, but that doesn't mean that we don't respect you and the importance of airline safety.

    I'm sorry that we offended you but please read this more as a commentary on a bad situation and not as a personal attack.

    -john

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  44. Hey Thanks for that it was awesome!!!

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  45. Apparently I really can't go anywhere or read anything without being assaulted by people complaining about other people supposedly - but not actually - being assaulted by the TSA. No, not everyone thinks the policies the TSA have enacted are "absurdly wrong"; I may wish there were better and less invasive procedures so people would finally shut the heck up about it, but I don't think screening airline passengers - however the TSA chooses to do it, they tend to do it professionally - is "absurdly wrong," sorry.

    I've said it before and I'll say it again because it's so poignant... but before you crack a "joke" that implies that TSA agents are out to get you, want to fondle you, are taking away your rights, et cetera... you might want to consider that the majority of TSA agents are normal, hard-working American citizens. I'm so glad a couple of them stepped up and said something, because this cycle of treating the TSA like some faceless entity that's haunting America really has to stop... and it starts with asking people like you not to perpetuate it.

    The people freaking out and acting like the TSA is 'out to get us' are just as bad as terrorists... all they do is perpetuate hate and fear.

    So, you have my obviously sarcastic gratitude for making me despise yet another site for bombarding me with anti-TSA messages (just so you know, all of these jokes have been done before, so not only was it annoying because it's YET ANOTHER anti-TSA rant, it's even more so because it's OLD). Don't like what you have to do to fly? Don't fly, and shut the heck up about it. It's a privilege, not a right.

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  46. john (the hubby of Jen)December 22, 2010 at 5:17 PM

    Pristine,

    You have summed up the other side well. I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree. I would like you to know, however, that the only reason there are so many people out there who strongly oppose this is that we are so very fond of our rights. And those rights should extend even to the privilege of flying.

    Merry Christmas,

    john

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