Warning: Juvenile ding-a-ling humor ahead.
A long time ago, I (this is John, btw) brought a picture of the famous sexual harassment cake to our local bakery, to see if the Nice Older Ladies there would recreate it for a party.
The encounter went something like this:
Me: [handing over picture] "Hi there! I was wondering if you could make a cake like this for me."
Nice Older Lady: [looking at picture] "Uh..." [gasping in horror] [looking at me as though I was a dirty, demon-possessed pervert] "No."
Me: [embarrassed] "Oh, well, the cake is saying that kind of behavior is bad. See, that's what the big 'NO' sign means." [smiling innocently]
Nice Older Lady: [flagging down Nice Older Manager Lady]
Nice Older Manager Lady: [looking at picture] [calling security] [writing down my physical description in a big red book] [smiling thinly] "I'm sorry, sir. We don't put smut on cakes."
So, sure, that was embarrassing, and now I can't shop for croissants without being shadowed by Billy the stock boy, but the good news is that bakeries have a line, and one that will not be crossed. Which is a relief, because otherwise these cakes might have had me worried.
Bazinga.
Fortunately there's nothing suggestive about balls or bases or long wooden...Oh.
Wait.
It's a basketball court.Riiiiiight.
Oh what a tangled web we weave,
When first we...
Spidey! Stop that!
When first we...
Spidey! Stop that!
Didn't your parents ever tell you you'll go blind?Now this is some crotch rocket:
Looks like it'll be flying under a full moon, too. [bah dum cha!]Thanks Elisabeth M., Anony M., Laura E., Josef V., & Bethany P. Oh, and hey, could you pick me up some croissants?
That first one is HORRIFYING. My eyes! My eyes!
ReplyDeleteBRILLANT post!!
ReplyDeleteDear Lord. What was that first one supposed to be other than...you know.
ReplyDeleteSame reaction here: what IS that first one supposed to be? Since it's Thanksgiving week, I was trying to make a turkey out of it . . . an abstract, minimalist turkey. My husband thought it was a fire cracker. But we all know what it REALLY is. . . Yikes.
ReplyDeleteIt was supposed to be 'you know' though I admit it struck me as a bit, um, turdish. It also seems to be a little, back to front? No maybe thats not the phrase I'm looking for...
ReplyDeleteWV flumba - my reaction to this cake
Oh, MY! The first one...the decorator HAD to know what they were doing. HAD TO!
ReplyDeleteMy initial instinctive id for the first cake was the NASA cake in flight. (you know, the one for "women in space, we've come a long way"?)
ReplyDeleteLove your Big Bang Theory comments!!! Bazinga!
ReplyDeleteI burst out laughing at that Spidey cake! I guess now we know what he does when he runs out of spider web?
ReplyDelete(sorry, sorry, I know it's gross but it was too easy. xD )
Wow...just....wow...I feel so dirty
ReplyDeleteJUMPING HAYSOOS YEHOSEPHATS!!!!
ReplyDeleteThat is all. I got nuthin' else.
Okay, I lied... SPIDEY!!! You're supposed to be a role model!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, MAN!?!??!!! (sobbing hysterically and running away).
#1: the only thing that would make it better was if the were fireworks coming out of the other end
ReplyDelete#2: please tell me I'm not the only one to see the red letter 'P' and think of, well.. Ahem...
The Spiderman comments were brilliant. I love it!
It's official, I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy.
At least now we know the REAL reason Spidey wears that mask!
ReplyDeleteAnd, apparently, SOME bakeries will put smut on cakes!
WV: "kingsol" - brand name of the disinfectant I now feel like I need for my eyes...
OMGOSH! I can't stop laughing. Wow! WoW! WOW!
ReplyDeleteSpidey looks like he's scratching. I would have thought he'd have been immune to crabs.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh - these are HILARIOUS!!!
ReplyDeleteHow can someone not notice this when they are making it. "oh I did such a good job" yay me!
ReplyDeleteEither the swimmers are leaving from the wrong end (typed coming, but just adds to the wrong wrong wrong), or someone is a huge Wyoming fan. (bleeds yellow and brown?)
ReplyDeleteI do believe that first cake was copied from a live model...
ReplyDeleteWhat in hells bells is wrong with these wreckerators?
Gazing lower than their navels too long, perhaps?
ugh
mocking
A tumescent phallic turd cake? I'm going to barf............
ReplyDeleteThank goodness I am a wonderfully married and satisfied person in a great relationship...those are....*snort* *blushingly funny*!
ReplyDeleteThree words:
ReplyDeleteOH.
MY.
GAWD!
Boob Nazi said it better than I could... I <3 Dr. Horrible
ReplyDeleteThese were just hilarious. I saw a cake last weekend that had the Washington Monument on the top. I wish I could have convinced the photographer to send you a picture of it. OMG.
ReplyDeleteBut I think what has me the most curious now is whether John's story is really true or not. I'm not believing it for a second!
That first one is way too... accurate. I swear 15 year old boys are decorating these cakes.
ReplyDeleteI can not stop laughing!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhh crude sexual humor is the best by far.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the warning and it only could be John (the hubby of Jen). Really? You would want to put something like that into your mouth?
ReplyDeleteI especially like the "net weight" sticker on the first one. Apparently length *is* an overrated measurement...
ReplyDeleteThat first one... I suppose it's a carrot? Or maybe a palm tree? Though the colors do indicate Thanksgiving... I mean, nobody would leave a piece of turd that looks like a tonker on cake. Right? Right??
ReplyDeleteLet's all pause to salute the nice ladies (and stock boys) at your local bakery. Bless their hearts for having standards below which, they will not sink.
ReplyDeleteExcept probably sometimes, by accident.
In case we needed further proof of the awfulness of cake #1 -- it really takes something super terrible to distract everyone from commenting on a birthday cake with a phallic design drawn on it in flesh colored icing.
ReplyDeletewv: blergi. the sound I made when I viewed these wrecks.
Oy...the second one. I don't remember baseball bats having a glans.
ReplyDeleteFor the love of fondant, what the heck is that last one supposed to be celebrating???? I'm at a loss for words regarding the others.
ReplyDeleteeeek, is that first cake for a Brit milah?
ReplyDeleteI'm a little disappointed that many of these cakes seem to be turning towards the inappropriate. I used to look at these with little kids for a laugh but this is entirely too inappropriate to share now, and there have been far too many of these for me to chalk it up to one or two funny occurrences. Sorry but I'm afraid I may have to stop following, which is a shame because I love this site, but I can't approve this for kids anymore.
ReplyDeleteall horrible... I need to scrub my corneas now!
ReplyDeletebutt I can't believe you said "bah dum cha" on the last after making a bum joke... it's bah dum BUM of course :) (
"Bazinga" is right. Yeowza.
ReplyDeleteI think the first one is trying to illustrate the fact that circumcision can kill. Looks like they whacked it off at both ends, however.
ReplyDelete@ Beth G - I always put a warning on any PG-rated posts, so you're free to simply skip over those with more "adult" content. The warnings are there because *I* don't approve of the content for little kids, either. This is not a children's blog; the majority of my readers are adults, like me. You'll find ding-a-ling cakes throughout all the CW archives, dating back to the very beginning of the blog over 2 yrs ago. I'm sorry if it seems they're more frequent, though!
ReplyDelete@ Trevor: it's a true story. Scout's honor. :D
Hehe, excellent.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't understand why these aren't kid-friendly. It's icing that kinda looks like willies, and unless you want to deny the existence of a part of the anatomy possessed by 50% of the population of the planet, I see nothing wrong with giggling at that. There's nothing pornographic here, and I can guarantee that just about every child giggles at willy and booby jokes on the playground at school anyway...
The lines are coming out of the wrong end on the cookie cake. lol
ReplyDeleteI LOVE these cakes!
ReplyDeleteMy old bakery had a rule about suggestive cakes are well - but some still slipped through with a few of our older decorators. I caught one of them working on a cake that had a scan of the 'shocker' hand sign with the line "It's your 30th Birthday. I hope it's not a SHOCKER!" Trying to explain what it meant with the little Spanish I had was painful, but her expression, once she understood, was hysterical. Yes, we still had to finish the cake since we did accept the order.
Knowing some of our other bakers, it wouldn't surprise me if a few of these cakes were deliberate.
HILARIOUS but now I need to go poke out my minds eye!
ReplyDeleteWell, I never!
ReplyDeleteD'oh. Don't they know naked babies are supposed to ride *carrots*, not *whatever-that-blue-thing-is's*
ReplyDeleteI really do wonder what the first one is supposed to be, if not a penis. I'm with Wendy. The decorator knew exactly what s/he was doing.
ReplyDeleteI love you guys...
ReplyDeleteGotta love a Big Bang reference in a post full of naughty bits!
I don't know why, but this post had me literally LOL! Thankfully I hadn't taken a sip of my coffee yet!!
ReplyDeleteThanks John! =)
BAZINGA!!!!!
Yeah, that second one looks less like a baseball bat and more like something you can find in the 'adults only' store downtown.
ReplyDeleteWV: poratang. I don't think that needs any explanation. XD
Many thanks to Shirley and Michelle for commenting on the first cake before I did - I don't think I could have phrased it better without being censored
ReplyDeleteIs that last one a ripoff of your mohawk carrot baby?
ReplyDeleteMaybe Spidey is doing his imitation of Michael Jackson??? O.o Just sayin.....
ReplyDeleteThat first one is a squid. I think.
ReplyDeleteWhat in the world is that first one supposed to be??
ReplyDeletePlease, please, somebody tell me what that first one is really supposed to be????
ReplyDeleteThis is my very favorite type of cake wreck, tra la!
ANd yeah, most kids are aware that penises exist, and would enjoy laughing with the rest of us. ;-)
That first one is a quid. I think.
ReplyDeleteYay, someone else threatens to stop following cake wrecks because it's too smutty... Beth, stop being such a prude. I take it you've stopped traveling since a genital pat down has become the norm in the us of a too?
ReplyDeleteKeep up the funny posts Jen and John, my inner 13 year old boy us in hysterics after today's post!
In the timeless words of Jean K. Jean: An. Cray. Ob!
ReplyDeleteIt just so happens that I have spent this afternoon lamenting the, uh, Freudian nature of my child's artwork (A lightsaber? Okie dokie...),and now you're showing off your bazinga. And it's only Monday. Sick, wrong and wonderful!
Funny how this would be the day that my 16 yr old son would decide to read the CW with me.
ReplyDeleteNeither of us has an explanation for the first cake other than... what was that someone said?... a 'tonker'?? I'll have to remember that term next I'm in company of the church ladies.
Though for the life of me, why there are streams from the bottom...
*sigh* I live with too many males. I don't find the cakes shocking, but I do find the ignorance of the wreckerators unbelieveable. As in, I do NOT believe they didn't know exACTly what they were piping.
I don't think I've ever seen a baseball bat with perpendicular posts?
I'm also thinking the baby on blue was asking where his carrot was. Just cuz.
I needed the laughs today 0.o Thanks!!
~~Di
I will never think of a basketball court the same way.
ReplyDeleteI'm ashamed to say I stared at the first one a while. My best guess is that it's a 4th of July cake and that disturbing phallus is a rocket blasting off..?
ReplyDeleteAnother reader who enjoys reliving her crude-minded youth!! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteFirst one... OK, that just HAD to be what it looks like. It's far to accurate a portrayal to be merely accidental (like the multiple baseball bats you've shown here... seriously, does ANYBODY ever get a baseball bat looking like, well, a baseball bat???). I am assuming that the fact that it looks like a rocket soaring reflects the, um, pleasure the wreckerator experienced the previous night. And figured that'd be less crude than fireworks coming from the tip?
I do like Anonymous @ !:33's assumption of the occasion (Brit Milah = "bris" = circumcision ceremony for Jewish male infants)
I am a bit concerned about the proportions of cake #2... and I think the wreckerator of #3 has spent even less time on a basketball court than I have. Clearly he/she is as familiar with that sport as they are with lightsabers!
And for Spidey... um, how come nobody's commented on the icing splotches below him?
And the last one... good grief, it's well done, so what happened to to create that large blue leaning, "item"?! And, I'm assuming the baby was added after the fact, as a nod to CW's carrot jockey?
Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteI do believe that first cake was copied from a live model...
What in hells bells is wrong with these wreckerators?
Gazing lower than their navels too long, perhaps?
--------
Um, I'm not sure it's NAVELgazing, so much as looking a little further south....
I'd totally make you that cake John... I put a pair of boobs on a cake for a girl's brother's 21st birthday....but I'm the strange one...lol!
ReplyDeleteYou forgot to use the one from NASA's Women in Space. The Shuttle's rockets and the female astronaut was very sugestive.
ReplyDeleteNote to self: Don't read this blog in a public library. It hurts to keep from laughing!
ReplyDeleteLOL! This is an especially funny post! I love them all. My favorite is the "basketball court" one. Cake Wrecks is my featured blog of the week on my site: http://www.andyd.org
ReplyDeleteGuess spidey is a southpaw (left-handed)
ReplyDeleteOMG what were they THINKING when they made these??
ReplyDeleteYup! Gonna have to take up watching basketball again- with a whole new appreciation for the home court!
ReplyDelete-Barbara Anne
John, thank you for having such an embarrassing moment at the bakery -- because I believe it's provided much amusement for your readers. At least, it has for me. :)
ReplyDeleteTeehee...Bazinga...
ReplyDeleteOh please those ladies wouldn't do a sexual harassment cake but probably would put penises on their cakes lol. Just like these wreckerators did. I say they do it on purpose just to mess with the customers minds..dies laughing.
ReplyDeleteI believe the first one is upside down, and is supposed to be a 4th of July firework (which would explain the red white and blue border).
ReplyDeleteBut that's sure not what it looks like, especially in that orientation.
My guess on the first one is a wonky carrot...
ReplyDeleteum, WOW at the first cake. just WOW.
ReplyDeleteI think I might actually be sick !!!
ReplyDeleteIt's really, really not right, which one? .... ALL of them !!!
GOT IT! to everyone else wondering about the blue "rocket" ...
ReplyDeleteturn your computer upside down get veeeery close to the screen and the brown "what the hell is that" on either side become wings!
yes, it´s a SPACE SHUTTLE!
i think they put on baby spok as a reference to the carrot jockeys and when finished, realized:
" oh.my.god.WAT DID WE DO?! "
wrecked a cakewreck reference, how cool is that?!
I am all dressed for my new job, I have my coffee, I check cakewrecks, spill coffee laughing... now I have to change my shirt. You got me John, Bazinga.
ReplyDeleteWV: eysgin. My eysgin need replacin after seeing some of these.
@Kimberly C: "Spidey looks like he's scratching. I would have thought he'd have been immune to crabs."
ReplyDeleteObviously, he has (wait for it...) spider crabs.
Re: the first cake, I do believe it IS a firecracker, badly done (and clear out your piping nozzle -- there's a little clog that produced that sort of, well, vein... eww) and photographed upside-down. There is actually a small orange wick coming out of the end, in the middle of all the "sparkley-" things. But I wouldn't eliminate the possibility of some double-entendre mischief on the part of the wreckerator, either.
ReplyDelete@kayk: Thanks for a plausible explanation of that tiny smidgen of orange icing on cake Number One. It was bothering me , and my own explanations were getting me nowhere child-friendly.
ReplyDeleteWV: monspar- What Spidey's doing.
Whoa. That first one if so awful. What is that?!
ReplyDeleteI'm gonna say the first cake is upside down and it's a stick of dynamite. Like ACME brand, from Roadrunner cartoons. I mean, obviously it's a penis, but I think it might supposed to be dynamite... it has a fuse? Anyone one with me?
ReplyDeleteThe first one is not only hideous, it's not even a cake...it's a giant COOKIE ! Subject matter involved...ick factor 10+ and No wonder...JOHN posted these ! ( must be a "guy thing" pun intended )
ReplyDeleteUmmm.. .the first one... :uncomfortably covers face:
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I don't even know what that IS and... :looks away:
i can't believe something like that exists on a cake.
Oh, this is my favorite type of post! I love it when people get offended and threaten to not follow you anymore! Come on people, lighten up and have a good laugh! Keep up the hard work, or maybe I should say good work....
ReplyDeleteOH... MY... GOD
ReplyDeleteMY EYES!!! O.O D:
no wait--now I know what Echo bought in the Pandora Hearts special XD
it was that first cake...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z3m6AxS1q8
Yaaaay!! Big Bang Theory reference!
ReplyDeleteThis is a month before segue to Christmas... "Do you see what I see?"
ReplyDeleteAnyone remember that scene from one of the movies where Spidey's web wouldn't spin and he had to share an elevator ride with this guy who wanted to know where he got the outfit...? Anyway... remember how the Spidey told the guy that "it gets kinda *itchy*"....and that "it rides up in the crotch a little bit too"??? That's what that spidey cake reminds me of.
ReplyDelete