Friday, January 21, 2011

Stairway to Heaven

Friday, January 21, 2011

I have to be honest: I've never really understood the whole wedding-cake-plastic-staircase thing. I mean, who first decided the wedding figurines might need to take a stroll down to one of the side cakes?

Not to mention this looks more like a video game level than a wedding cake.

"Ok, what you have to do is, hop over the leaf-shrooms, collect the heart rings, and then duke it out with the Moopa-Moosers down at the bottom. Oh, and watch out for the barrels."



Then, after providing this thoughtful pathway, the decorators go and make it completely inaccessible!

How are they supposed to get down there?

Or battle their way through all that foliage?

Granted, I can't think of a better place to put your plastic deer collection.


Of course, it goes without saying that all this extra height means you have to put a clear plastic light-up fountain under the cake. (Don't bother questioning it. You just have to.)

Mmm. Drippy.

You know what, though? These cakes still don't have enough going on. What do you say in addition to the stairs, tiers, figurines, and light-up fountain, we cover everything in Louis Vuitton?

Ah, rampant materialism climbs to new heights. I like it.

But it's STILL not enough. Can we get a few dozen miniature bridal party dolls, a Barbie cake, a few bolts of tulle, and the Amazon rain forest in here now, guys?

No, no, don't take away the stairs, fountain, or multiple topper figurines; we need those.

***

All set? Alrighty, let's take a look.

YES!! BEHOLD MY CREATION!! AHAHAHAHAHAAA!


Hey, Anony M., Genevieve F., April L., Anony M., Marla B., & Elle J., you must admit: this thing is so gosh-darn tacky it's almost kind of awesome.

Or...not.
A.J. said...

Why are the deer on the staircase? Just, why?

Laura said...

Are those streamers on the red cake? Seriously! It looks like blood.

Also, I wonder if they misspelled the bride's on the second cake. "Nathale", huh? Perhaps they meant "Nathalie"?

Jenniffer said...

As a baker, these are the cakes that haunt me in my dreams!

Gloom Raider said...

That last one is like a Habitrail for extremely prissy hamsters!

Fluffy Cow said...

Of COURSE you need the deer!!!

They go with the turkeys on the bottom.

Tricia L said...

Nearly spewed cereal on the screen when I saw the deer, but it gave me an idea of how to display my miniature china animal collection. Thanks CW!

Anyone else think the stairways look more like fire department ladder trucks?

wv: flasm = flashy flotsam

jeliecam said...

Inconceivable!

By the way, did anyone notice the turkeys with that deer cake. And yes, the next one does look like dripping blood.
Of course, now I'll always think of video games if I ever see a wedding cake with stairs; which I am fortunate to have never actually seen.

Monica said...

Yikes. I want a fancy cake at my wedding, but that is just entirely too much. The last one made me chuckle. If it were any bigger, the flower girl and ring bearer could use it as a play place.

J. said...

Ooh, and it makes me wonder....

What, no wedding cakes with stripper poles?!

As for those deer, maybe the guy was into hunting, or the bride's name was Bambi? Personally, I just hope those plastic deer weren't carrying plastic deer ticks.

Hannah B said...

I thought the drippy cake was some crazy, old school wedding cake until I looked behind the cake to see the modern logo of one particular multi-billion dollar company. And I still wasn't surprised.

i-cant-talk-now said...

I have never seen or heard or experienced these cakes. Thank God.

Also, the cake (third from last), the one with the blood red icing coming off it, pictured on a counter in what looks like a bakery, did anyone else think...."when did Dunkin Donuts start making wedding cakes?"

thesacredandtheprofane said...

Upon closer inspection (thank you zoom) I think it looks like the little couple at the top of the Louis Vuitton cake come complete with luggage. The groom looks like he's holding a little bag, and the bride appears to be hauling a suitcase. Not sure what else those could be. Other than tacky, I mean.

Dorci said...

Louis Vuitton never looked so cheap.

Michelle said...

I was sure you were making that last bit up...that was one crazy cake!

SeeJaneBrowse said...

BLIND!!! I've gone blind!!! Oh, the humanity!

elissa said...

In that last one, it kinda looks like the bridesmaid action figures on the right are climbing the tulle in a full-on assault of the barbie cake. I can hardly blame them.

WV: yakin. The bride just kept yakin about everything she wanted on her cake.

beautifulmonday said...

Louis Vuitton has always seemed a bit tacky to me anyways (unless you are lucky enough to own vintage luggage by the marque) but the sheer amount of LV decoration on that cake was incredible.

that last is priceless!!!

Anonymous said...

OUCH!! Flash-back to my 1981 wedding. What was I thinking???

pixie said...

I'm embarrassed to admit we had the stairs and the fountain on our cake. In my defense, I let my husband, who has no sense of taste, pick the cake. He was throwing a hissy fit that all his other ideas were being thrown out. I was 20 years old and didn't want to argue about it, so it just happened.

Lisa said...

I have nothing to contribute, as I'm lacking for words.

wv: Sphonse = the name of the groom for the last cake, poor guy

Stimey said...

So, although I read you all the time, I have never commented. Until now. The thing sooo important for me to say?

Clear plastic light-up fountains?

Hol-ey frijoles, I think that is AWESOME. In fact, I think most cakes—and honestly, most things in life—could be improved by a clear plastic light-up fountain. I have so many questions though. Do the fountains work?

Okay. One question.

Peggy Arteberry said...

I married in 1986 and stairways and fountains were "the" thing! Yes, I had both! *blush* Thanks for the laugh.

Karen Valinda said...

I wish I knew where pictures of my Grandparent's 50th anniversary were! It was 1981 and my father did "a cake" (as in an array of cakes, stairways, etc) that was about 3 feet tall and 4+ feet wide. Beautifully done of course but still overwhelming, mind boggling ...

Danger Boy said...

It's like an Erector Set for Wreckers!

Alisha said...

Terrible! That staircase thing is SO tacky! I am so happy I stuck to simple and tasteful.

Jennifer said...

The bloody cake is sitting on the bakery counter at WalMart.

Note to self: Do not order wedding cake from WalMart.

J. F. said...

I once went to a wedding with a (very tacky) laddered, staired, plastic-toppered, Magic Kingdom-style wedding cake, complete with red Kool-Aid fountain underneath. The bride wore Mickey Mouse ears through the entire reception, which was at a VFW post with a tank outside. Her three-year-old son (by someone else) screamed through most of the ceremony. (I believe they're divorced now...)

I have to say, though, that last multi-cake horror is even tackier than the Magic Kingdom cake, something I previously thought impossible.

Anonymous said...

@ A.J. - the deer are on the staircase because they were scared away by the wild turkey on the ground. I wonder if the bride and groom wore cammo at the wedding?

Cake-'drake said...

The last one: 'Cuz if your wedding cake fits on just one table, your parents don't really love you!

Dani said...

That first fountain one looks like a grizly murder just happened at the top. It's like what the wedding cake would look like if Freddy maried Jasson (assuming they're in a state that allows that)

Melissa said...

Dear Lord, there's a PERGOLA on that last one!! I'm so bummed that the bride is cut off at the side of the photo. I believe I see a pink glove - I would love to see the rest of the ensemble!

Shauna said...

They did one of these cakes on Cake Boss. They had an order for 14 individual wedding cakes for 14 weddings that were all taking place at the Empire State Building. So they made 14 small cakes and connected them with the stairs and I think they even did a fountain. They went "old school" as they put it. It actually wasn't that bad. It helped that the cakes were all just plain white.

No Cake Fo' YOU said...

Walmart has been known to hold weddings, so why not sell wedding cakes too.... These are HORRIBLE!!! So glad that I kept my wedding simple and too the point...

Blood dripping cake, mmmmmmhhhh that sounds appetizing.

Mina said...

Maybe with the carpeted cake they were trying to get the newly weds all excited for their honeymoon. It does look like the hallways in a Holiday Inn.

Jenna said...

That last cake has to be from the '80s...look at the cheap satin shine of the bride's dress behind the cake to the side.

Otherwise...wow...those horrid lit-up fountains, the tacky drapery...just...wow.

I dislike most wedding cakes, even the nice ones, but these are...wow. Just....wow.

kittymidori said...

i didn't realize that after the prom incident, Carrie decided to get married!! at WALMART!!!!!

wow. seriously. i did not know that some walmarts had a bakery that did wedding cakes. :::shudders:::

Sandy C also in SoFla said...

HAHA, bride's name is Bambi.. that comment made me laugh.

That drippy one... I gasped... I immediatly thought it was dripping with blood and had to enlarge it to be sure... that was aweful. And if I went to a reception and saw an LV or one like that last one I would have to leave.

These are why, when asked about wedding cakes, the first thing out of my mouth is NO STAIRS AND NO FOUNTAINS!

snarkygurl said...

Is it a bad thing that I now want a cake with staircases so I can show off my old school Battlestar Galactica action figures?

TexasBlueEyes said...

Reminds me of my mother-in-laws wedding cake. If i get a picture I am sending it in. 12 cakes with bridges! It took up a 8ft folding table. HIDEOUS!

TexasBlueEyes

Dana said...

OH. Wow. I need a close-up of the last one. How many little pink-clad plastic people are there? Is there a mystical magical happy number for plastic figurines?

Anonymous said...

The best part about that last one is that they did not remove the cake topper from the packaging that it came in. That clear topper on the highest tier should have been unscrewed from the packaging. That's beautiful.

Anonymous said...

Oh my hell.

You HAVE to zoom the last one, as the detailing is utterly lost in the photo.

Mismatched pillars, dolls with cake as a skirt, stair steps, fountain, dayglo plastic flowers, green crap stuck into it...

It's like someone went through the Wilton catalog and said "Use it ALL"

Unfreakingbelievable.

WV: tearac. Seeing a cake like that brings a tearac (a plastic tear) to my eye.

Christina said...

The last cake I think is for a quincenara (sp?) the magical "15th" bithday... usually they go all out and and times surpass the entire wedding look... the "groom" looks very young in the picture and the doll on the front tier kinda gave it away.

Loo-E Loo-I said...

Yeah, someone bought those stairways to heaven...O.o

#1 Looks like either someone had 2 cake toppers and couldn't decide, or MIL purchased one because she thought the cow B&G were silly.

#2 There are 27 people in the US with the name Nathale. One of them got married on my brother's birthday!

#3 How do they get down? They don't need no stinkin' staircases. They're in love...they float down. *lovey dovey mushy mush*

#4 Looks like the groomsmen had a little extra time on their hands to play a joke on the happy couple. I really hope the cake decorator didn't put deer and turkeys on there!

#5 A fountain...I guess whatever distracts you from the rest of that monstrosity...

#6 I don't think LV was the wreckerator's fault. I can picture a bridezilla - "Here's a swatch from my bag - match it!"

#7 As I was reading I knew, I just KNEW you had such a cake, but couldn't quite visualize it. Thank you. It's probably flowers, but do I see a rat/ferret descending the staircase of the middle tiers? What is that!?

wv: cluve. These wreckerators haven't a cluve as to what they are doing!

T said...

I'm afraid my girls are going to love these...

it's a good thing they're still young and have LOTS of years before we're picking out a wedding cake.

Lots and LOTS of years (you hear that girls? girls??)

Christie said...

Cheestastic!!!

WV: Etstra. All those cakes have way too much etstra stuff on them.

madrobins said...

On the last photo, is the thing on top of the central cake a diving platform? In which case, shouldn't the cake(s) be floating in an azure pool? Where are the life preservers? And the divers? The decorator missed such an opportunity...

*shudder*

teresacooks said...

this reminds me of a cake at a wedding when I was like 5, I thought it was so cool. As I was remembering this 2 of my kids came up behind me and looked at the pictures and were like "OH, those are so cool!" I guess it's a kid thing;)

gracefall said...

wow... just wow.


WV - Destra = destraction by that barbie cake resulting in loss of words.

gena said...

Gawd, that WalMart cake looks like it's for a service at a slaughterhouse. "A bloody fountain under the cake? Perfect!" A wedding cake only Stephen King could love.

Craig said...

#1 Not that bad, actually (keeping in mind I'm a guy and the first thought that occurred to me was, 'Donkey Kong'). Check the groom's hat. Yee hah. Where are the rolling barrels?

#2 a.) Where's the groom? b.) Why is the bride wearing red? c.) Who are the guys in the background? d.) Is that a Jell-o fountain? I would have said Orange Crush, but this isn't glow-in-the-dark orange and it isn't fizzy.

#3 Appears to be a display. Perhaps the sign says, "Our Taste Therapist can help you avoid this."

#4 I'm thinking that Wild Turkey figured prominently in the design phase. Apart from that, 'Deer Riding an Escalator' makes perfect sense. It would have been cool if the escalator was functional.

#5 So 'Carrie' finally got married. Of all places to have a reception... I think we (those of us who have seen the movie or read the book) can probably guess what happened soon afterward. [smiley face]

#6 Maybe the couple *really* likes to travel. I wonder how many people walked in, saw the cake and said, "I knew we should have gotten them luggage!"

#7 A wedding is supposed to be the bride's day, but really. Any sign of the groom on this metropolis?

I see what appear to be guys in black on the satellite cakes; since we're talking plural here, perhaps they are the finalists. Yeah, that's it. Sort of an 'honorable mention' at the wedding -- who wouldn't be cool with that?

Maybe the first runner-up assumes the groom's duties in case of disqualification.

Christine said...

If theres a bustle in your hedgerow...
its probably the plastic deer

I can't believe how hideous these are

~flying gurl~ said...

Any one who would buy a cake from walmart is just asking for tacky trouble...

Heather said...

My mom had a delivery service and on Saturday we delivered a lot of wedding cakes and those with stairs were the hardest to deliver. You have to line up the cake just right, push the stairs into the lower cake, the slide them into the upper cake. If they aren't symmetrical there is no going back. This post brought back those painful days.

NiteNurse said...

OH MY GOOD SAINTS PAMELA and MARGE!!
I laugh-snorted-squealed so loudly the frantic cat hide under the bed. The deer, the tulle, the tastelessness. Such an excellent building of suspense and total hideosity. I salute you, Jen!! You have outdone yourself.

Lidi Di said...

That last one...the groom is being consumed to by the rainforest!

kimberj said...

I personally like the ruins at the top of the last cake. I mean why not throw some greek or roman touch on there... what do you bet the bride and groom look like they just walked out of the Jersey Shore. I mean isn't that what all the guidos and guidettes are having at their totally "awesome" receptions!!!???

Bluefairy said...

Don't hate me, but I actually like the Vuitton cake. Except for the Vuitton logo, of course. I've always thought it's very kitsch and poor taste to have some company's name visible on your clothes/furniture/cakes etc, unless they're paying you for the ad.

But the combination of colours, the white cake + the chocolate borders and golden lines, I think that's rather nice.

the peanut said...

the peanut says

I want to see one of these where the toppers are "racing" up the stairs to get to some fabulous prize.

JBee said...

My friend had her wedding cake with the stairways and the plastic, lit up fountain underneath. And that was in 2007. I as her bridesmaid, knowing nothing about weddings, just assumed that was the kind of cake set up you HAD to have at a wedding.

It would actually be REALLY cool if they did look like a video game stage, if the stairways looked more like Donkey Kong-esque scaffold. That would be awesome for my upcoming gaming theme wedding.

Oldish Lady said...

Does anyone have an idea why the second cake has Chinese Deities behind it?

Deborah said...

You bring me such great pleasure - thanks for the frequent laughs when getting my blog fix.

Liisa said...

I really should know better than to ever think you're kidding. That last one nearly made me choke on my jello.

Anonymous said...

As a baker.... I HATE these cakes. They are so 80's and ugly. So how many do I have ordered already this year? THREE!
I hope this is not a fad that is coming back. I cringe every time I hear the word fountain.
Jenn

drgns4vr said...

If you are going to have a fountain on your cake, is it too much to ask that the junk in the fountain match the color of the icing or the decorations? (#2 is especially bad, with pink flowers, red lettering and orange punch.)

Niki said...

This is EXACTLY!!! what drove me to not even want a wedding cake! First, the hubby-to-be would not go to cake tastings with me (seriously, what man doesn't want to eat free cake!) Then he insisted that what ever cake we got he was just going to smash in my face (I told him if he did, I would skip the honeymoon and get an annulment!) Then my mom proposed one of these monstosities! So I said no cake! (My mom got a cake anyway....no stairs or fountains, thank god, I told her if I saw them I would push over the cake table)....hmmm thinking back, I may have been a little bit stressed while planning my wedding :)

lizziebeth10 said...

My life evidently isn't complete. To my knowledge, I've never been to a wedding with a ladder cake. Good grief. On the other hand, maybe when my daughter gets married, I can convince her to have a ladder cake and display all our Red Rose tea figurines?

magnificentminimalist said...

You know, I bet if we crossed a cake decorator with a mad scientist, the results would be staggering.

Staggering and drooling.

Anonymous said...

I have to make one of these this summer. Really. It's going to be modern meets tacky. I want to cry.

Emily said...

More is not more! More is just tacky! Haha!

Amy said...

I got a set of the tongue-skeletons from friends... it's a "chain-letter" wedding gift.

Mara said...

"ramp"ant materialism! That's good!

Anonymous said...

The red one at first glance, resembles some warrior after a battle, but still wearing his plumed hat!
Seriously, in all my years of wedding photography, I've seen a few in the past few years.....sad....really sad...LOL
Sherry

Jabby said...

The 5th one looks pretty bloody. I think it would fit right in at a zombie themed wedding. Which I may or may not be planning..

Kate said...

That one with the red fountain all dripping everywhere looks possessed. Maybe the Walmart its from had a nasty ghost problem?

D said...

The last cake I believe is a cake for a Samoan wedding. Having lived in Hawaii for a few years (and making a few wedding cakes while there) I had several Samoan friends who told me their wedding cakes are numerous in tiers to give one tier to each important person at the wedding. The maile lei worn around the groom's neck in the picture was a clue for me to refer to the Samoan wedding cake. Here are a few links describing their traditions (pardon the misspellings on one of them):

http://www.ipacific.com/samoa/wedding.html

http://yourweddingadvisor.com/samoan-weddings.html

http://www.livingheritage.org.nz/schools/secondary/marcellin/samoa/wedding.php

http://harlequin-theweddingplanners.blogspot.com/2008/07/samoan-bridal-toss.html

unomesowell said...

Dear CW,
Thank you for posting this very important public service announcement. My husband to be tragically suffers from a love for both staircases and, yes, lit fountains. Since our colors are red and gold I fear the dripping bloody mess that is picture number two may be in my future if this madness cannot be stopped. I intend to show him this massacre in the hopes that maybe one life can be spared. Even if it comes at the expense of so many others. Dear God if he puts little figures on it they should hold me back from the serving knife...

Debbie said...

Yes, sadly, I still make cakes such as these. If that's what she wants, that's what she gets....and they pay for it!
It is atrocious to line these things up at the reception. They need to be banned....

Debbi said...

Holy Moly! Did they use Pepto Bismol to decorate that last one???

Glenna said...

Ha! Validation! The first cake with the "cowboy" theme is one I decorated! It was a lovely cake to start with and then the obnoxious bride made me add those awful stairwells and the cowboy toppers! I have it on my blog as "Most Hate Wedding Cake" www.afridgefulloffood.typepad.com

Jessica W said...

Okay, the 5th looks like a crime scene from CSI...

Lynn said...

Growing up we always called them out-cakes (as in out-buildings). They were always on display in bakery windows in my French/Italian neighborhood.

Debbi said...

OMG! They used the same staircase for the first and second cakes!

Melch said...

No, no... the last cake has totally rolled over to awesome! For somebody else's wedding, at least ;)

Christy said...

And a cake is just not complete until it's in front of a cheesy wood paneling backdrop. *sigh*

Maggie said...

That last one looks like it was supposed to be a sweet 15 cake...maybe the bride got a discount??

Matty said...

My Mom has done wedding cakes all her life and I have seen my fair share of brides wanting staircases and fountains; but the one that stands out the most in memory is the one from the mid 80's... multi tiered, stairs, glass pillars ( with plastic flowers inside ) fountain with yellow liquid ( YES PEE YELLOW ) then the whole thing had swans on it... glass and crystal swans with red bows. Oh did I mention the cake had gold frosting? My Mom went to set it up at 8am and told the kitchen staff that her name was Mrs. Smith if anyone asks who made it.. she was so embarrassed. I wish there was a picture but of course she never took one of it.

MooseNuggette said...

"...Of course, it goes without saying that all this extra height means you..." might experience severe nose bleeds.

marissa said...

I think the first dance song for all of these weddings should have been "stairway to heaven"

wv-terain
there sure is a lot of terain for those plastic bride caketoppers to travel in their itty bitty Barbie shoes!

Lori said...

When I was a little girl I went to a wedding that had one of these interconnected cakes, but instead of stairs, it was connected by a chute that carried red punch. I thought it was very fancy at the time and couldn't understand why my mother didn't think so. Luckily my taste has improved with age.

Anonymous said...

While these cakes are definitely delightfully tacky, sometimes I enjoy looking at the backgrounds even more. There are several in this set that are (I guarantee) from a rural area church fellowship hall or a decrepit American Legion Hall/VFW Club. The wood paneling is always a dead giveaway.

The Louis Vuitton cake cracked me up so much. LV really should probably sue on that one-- a defamation suit.

--kate

marissa said...

omg...I thought I was being original then re-read the post and saw the title.
oops.

the cakes do give the younger guests something to play with during the reception, though....

Anonymous said...

Oh, I have an addition to my "backgrounds" comment. The Chinese figurines in the second cake are also pretty fantastic. Wonder what theme "Nathale" was going for there?

--kate

john said...

#1 Really, mixing white and ivory?!? I'm SHOCKED.

Actually, a video game cake would totally rock. I think I've seen some posted on a blog somewhere.

#5 (WalMart). Who doesn't want "Unbeatable Prices" and "This End Up" as the theme of their special day? That didn't seem quite so like solicitation before I wrote it down. Oh, my.

I can just hear the apprentice baker: "They want it decorated with red swags. How do I make those?"

"You just put the tip at the edge of the cake, pipe out a few inches of icing, then reattach it back at the edge. ... Um, well, not back at the same point."

@Craig: Taste Therapist. If only.

Kristers said...

I've actually been to a wedding where they had the three raised cake layers [WITH fountain underneath cycling champagne through it, you know, to class it up] and bridges on either side to raised double layers. Yes, folks, seven cakes. And less than 150 people at the reception.

I was ready to play 'dive for a layer' when they started to cut the thing. Cuz I'm a team player like that.

Donna said...

Is the red cake oozing blood??? seriously???

In defense of the "stairways to marriage" cakes, I attended a wedding in which the bride and groom met online. She was from Australia and he from the USA. The side cakes were in the shape and flag of the respective countries with a beautiful white cake in the middle. At least it had meaning...

Sunny @ the Library said...

That last one cannot be anything other than a QuinceaƱera cake.

Jen said...

That last one looks like a barbie village made out of sugar! Just the kind of thing I would have loved when I was 7.

Lisa said...

I think the red things hanging from #5 must be either red licorice
ropes or Twizzlers?? And I doubt this cake made it to the wedding since the stacked pillars already look off kilter!

The last one looks like a Polly Pocket playhouse. Is the bride looking away from the cake and has a pink napkin in her hair..or is she facing the cake and using a pink napkin to dry her tears of dismay?

Uugghhh...and what a horror show it will be when they go look at those toppers after being in the freezer for a year!

Lisa

Abbey said...

The red, drippy one would be AWESOME for a zombie-themed wedding. I thought that was all fake blood when I first saw it and I got really excited about a zombie-themed wedding, but then I realized it was just awful. Yeah, i would be super cool with the zombies chasing the humans down those stairs.

Anonymous said...

I warned you about stairs, bro!

I told you dog! I TOLD you about stairs!

Rainbow said...

The one that mentioned "battling through the foliage" made me think that might be a homage to Sleeping Beauty, where the prince has to cut through all the thorns to get to her tower. Or maybe it represents a battle between two wedding favorites...the flowers versus the cake! Maybe the flowers are trying to climb onto the cake and take it over?

Becky said...

I immediately thought of the movie "Carrie" when I saw cake #5. Dripping, bloody cake. Yuck.

I'm ashamed to say I thought the Louis Vuitton (sp?) cake was actually kind of cute, for the right type of girl. In fact, I'm surprised one of my coworkers didn't have that at her wedding.

mella said...

Walking down stairs is so yesterday. I think modern cakes should upgrade to elevators.

Alison's Book Marks said...

Please tell me all the pictures were from 1984. Please?

Jen Fenstermaker said...

After wasting an hour an a half I need to get back to work before my boss notices I'm not actually doing my job....thanks for such an awesome lunch break/lunch HOUR site!

Anonymous said...

Last cake: M.C. Escher reincarnated as a 5 year old princess and pony obsessed girl...

Anneke (Mudhooks) said...

Yes... When I got married in 2003, there really weren't and "custom" cake shops that didn't exclusively feature the white royal icing traditional cakes or Italian shops with horrible monstrosities. And certainly nothing within my limited budget. I finally found a woman who would do a custom-ish cake.

I went to her house and 99% of her "portfolio" was cakes with stairways, water channels and layers spread over 30 square feet of acrylic wonderment.

I was worried about what my cake would look like but she did a wonderful job... THANK GOODNESS!

I had two cakes -- a regular cake and a fruitcake. My mother made the fruitcake. Or fruitcakeS. She made one to cut at the wedding for anyone who wanted fruitcake and one cut up ahead of time for people to take home.

Despite my mother being a WONDERFUL fruitcake maker, there was tons of the already cut cake left over and almost the entire "cutting" cake left over and aside from the bit we put aside for posterity, we had to eat the rest ourselves over the next few months.

My mother put so much booze in that that it was seeping out of the bottom and we could have bottled it!

Nancy Kell said...

thank you for FINALLY covering these horrible cakes. Yuck, what were people thinking????

Aliza said...

I can understand multiple cakes for a large wedding. I can understand separate stands, rather than a giant tiered affair. But, why the staircases? Wouldn't a common design, and being on the same table, be sufficient?!

And shouldn't fountains serve some purpose? ie be a CHOCOLATE fountain??? If you provide me with melted chocolate and fresh fruit, all is forgiven ;)

#1 the cakes are actually rather pretty, although the plastic stilts make the side cakes look like stilt-walkers. Seriously tacky topper, too. Maybe one spouse had taste, one didn't, and this was their compromise?

#2 Seriously overdone cakes (*what* is all that... stuff... on top of each tier?!). And why is the topper spouse-less? (Plus what the others said about the colours, writing and mis-spelling)

#3 So, so close to being an inexpensive cake that's nice-looking. *sigh*

#4 So is it that the guy's a turkey for marrying her, or is she feeling like a deer in the headlights for marrying him?

#5 Flowing and dripping blood, unless they're vampires... I'm worried about what they were saying. Frankly, if I ever saw a cake like that, I'd call the police.

#6-- I'm with others here, who think LV (and Gucci) tacky. If you're so insecure you have to plaster a logo all over over-priced plastic bags, you're a fashion victim. Quality is recognizable without logos. If the cakes were just cream, brown and gold, without bridges, this would show taste rather than reek "pathetic wannabe"

#7 I bet this 14-cake monstrosity was expensive (proof wealth does *not* come with taste!). Bright little-girl pink. Ferns somehow made to look tacky(?!). Toys (just how many attendents did they have?), ridiculous toppers, horrendous bridal gown (can we say "cheap plastic polyester" three times fast?). The groom's suit is tasteful, the bride thinks she's still 4; poor fella.

These cakes were all well-executed wrecks, so clearly the problem was couples with no taste! That made them particularly fun to mock

Pauline said...

Fo sho this is the tackiest post in quite some time. I think there's actually more plastic, knick-knacks and gew-gaws on some of these cakes than there is cake.
The drippy thing has emerged from a Wal-Mart bakeshop. How the hell did that happen?

Jennifer H said...

Oh, the horrors!

Perhaps this last one is a commentary on the factory-like production of wedding crap (dresses, trinkets, etc.).

Yikes!

Elizabeth said...

I started with Cake Wrecks after my Cake Boss obsessions...Buddy only has to say one thing....Those cakes are OLD SCHOOL! Just like my ol man used da do!

kisses cake fans!!!

totalfrog said...

Just don't tell hipsters about these monstrosities.

Karen said...

Hehehe...rampant...

B-Jo said...

I REALLY wanted a cake with stairs and such, but at least I got my fountain!!!

pikkewyntjie said...

I didn't know they still used the plastic staircase flotsam. I thought that went out in the 70s, in which case it makes it retro and kind of awesome. Kind of. You would have to go all out with the vintage look (super lacey wedding gowns and colored tuxedos with ruffled shirts and giant bow ties) and have a disco-themed reception, of course. Yes, this could work.

Anonymous said...

Did you see that on the Walmart (drippy red) Cake they used 3 sets of small pillars(!!)to hold up the big tiers instead of using the correct size one-piece pillars that would be waaay more stable? Maybe they have dowels hiding inside them, but it looks like it could collapse at any moment to me!
Annette

Peachy said...

My brother just gave me a CakeWrecks calendar and he didn't even know I love this site. SCORE!

WV: Poisha. What people from New Joisey call Persia.

Carrie Miller said...

Here's what was OH at my house while looking at these cakes, mostly from my husband: The first one looks like a skeleton. The second one looks like it is on fire. Why is there spinach on the stairs in the third one? Where are the guns to deal with the rampant wildlife on the 4th one? The 5th one looks like a Hot Wheels track. They needed bug netting for the 5th one, and why is the base of it on fire too? Were these some sort of dual purpose cakes, you know like new job AND wedding?

The Full Time Wife said...

Hahahahaha Oh the memories of cakes past. Reminds me of my childhood and all the gawdy weddings attended.

Anonymous said...

(trying to hold back snorts of laughter)

but, why, is this a Friday post instead of Sunday????


WOOT

-Barbara Anne

tottergirl said...

The deer & the red loops are a little odd, but really I don't see much "Wrecky" about them. Just kinda tacky and not to my taste.

Arlene said...

Well now I know never go to Walmart for a wedding cake unless you really want to figure out how they get that huge cake to the wedding without any incidents..scary to contemplate lol.

Poly said...

As outdated as the staircases are, the cakes are skillfully decorated. They are evidence of a better time in the cake world where one needed to master piping and smoothing frosting to be considered a cake decorator. Now if you have a rolling pin and some cookie cutters, you get a tv show.

denise396 said...

This might be my favorite set of cakes ever.

Sweet Somethings by Dawnetta said...

That red drippy one from wallyworld looks like someone was murdered over it. My fiance said it looked like a coleman lantern on a hunting trip that went wrong. Yuck.

estelyn-strider said...

Here's a suggestion for music to be played at the reception:
"We Are Climbing Jacob's Ladder"!

Your blog is part of my daily internet routine - thanks for many good laughs!

Emily said...

#1 should be an actual video game cake...then it would be awesome. :)

winsomebulldog said...

"That last one is like a Habitrail for extremely prissy hamsters!"
This just sent it over the top for me. Seriously, ROFLOL, Raider.

Anonymous said...

OMG - number 4's looks like the Saint Valentine's Day massacre.

Mary said...

Ya know, that last one is really pretty. The cakes are done pretty well on all of them, it's just all the other stuff it has going on that deters your eyes from the cakes.

Cathy Raymond said...

I suspect that cakes with plastic stairways are like that precisely because certain customers want them.

JG said...

was that a wedding inside walmart? ha

Ashley said...

I think my parents had a staircase cake back in the 80's.

mladybright said...

OMG!!! -- like, I never say that, but these deserve it.

Okay, seriously, a couple are decent. Um.. well, one? Gads. I have seen the staircases used well, but these are -- not.

The bloody drippy one -- beyond belief, and sitting on the counter in front of the WHAT???

ROFL!! Deer! *sigh* Wonder what the groom's cake looked like, or were the deer in deference to him?

~~Di

wv - undips -- If the wreckerator would just do some undips, this one should be just fine.

Ruthie said...

The deer, it's all about the deer.

Anonymous said...

lol

Nicole Pelton said...

No no, I agree, that last one is just awesome! I'm so glad they didn't go with a muted color or anthing too, nothing says wedding like hot pink. I had lots of stuff on my wedding cake, but t was all chocolate filled or dipped :) (cream puff swans and strawberries)

GardenMom said...

I have to admit, the chocolate one got my mouth watering. It looks like heaven to eat, even if it is silly to look at.

Connie Moreno said...

uff da!

MT C said...

What? No trains?

MT C

MT C said...

What? No train?

MT C

Craig said...

Ok, put the date on the cake -- it will help the groom remember. Har har. Will he need help remembering their names, too? Is it likely that anyone in attendance doesn't have a handle on those two key pieces of information?

"The groom looks like he's holding a little bag, and the bride appears to be hauling a suitcase." Where I come from, that adds yet another level of wrong to the LV mess.

What I took on the last one to be groom candidates who didn't make the cut turned out to be foliage (Chrome users: 'Ctrl +' zooms, 'Ctrl 0' returns to normal). The guys in pink tuxes on the left hand stairway are a tad concerning, though. Why do I think no rental company (they would have to be rented) has ever lost a pink tux.

I heard 'Stairway to Heaven' at a friend's house today. Not on purpose -- it just happened to be on the radio in the background. I think the station manager got tired of having listeners or something.

Anonymous said...

I know this is a REALLY random question, but the "deer-way to heaven" cake has a prop (or something of the such) that brought it up~ While we've seen plenty of Steampunk and Victorian sweets and wrecks, are there any Roman or Gothic ones? I'm sincerely fascinated by the idea of having a Roman shield w/ crossed spears on my next cake... or slave Leia, whichever comes first.

Torey said...

I have never, ever seen something like this before. And for that I am glad. I am also glad to have your cakery comments to laugh at tonight. Thank you, Jen!

Jackie the Artsy said...

These staircase cakes remind me of many a childhood trip to the Publix bakery, awaiting my free cookie while mom ordered the thin-sliced buttercrust bread. I was in the cart gazing in awe at the staircase cakes complete with bride & groom topper and several bridesmaids & groomsmen figures each on their respective side. 5 year-old me was totally taken with them and convinced that that would be my wedding cake one day. Thank GOD 5 year-old me didn't do all the planning on our actual day!

Reo said...

I'm with D, that last cake has to be from a Pacific Island wedding.
A Few years ago, my Cook Islander guy mate married his girlfriend- The oldest daughter of a Samoan Methodist Minister. Gorgeous couple, huge beautiful wedding, enormous reception in a Samoan community hall the size of an aircraft hangar. The cake looked Just like the last one, only no pink, no net and no $2 Shop Barbie, with maybe six more cakes round the edges. Epic.

WV= Redsies- "Stick some more redsies round the edges!"

Charles E said...

I think I've seen that Louis Vuitton cake before. If you think the cake was bad, imagine the LV logo plastered all over the bride, the groom, the groomsmen, the flower girl, and the car. If you google "Louis Vuitton Wedding" there are pics at the first few hits.

Anonymous said...

I have to comment on the 5th cake with the dripping red.

Seriously, I was like 'Uh... ah... umm..." I ran my hands through my hair, speechless at the sight. I've come to the conclusion that it looks like a wedding cake based on one of those old, cheesy '80 horror films.

Jessica said...

@Gloom Raider - or Zhu Zhu pets ...

Char said...

I do cakes a a small side business and have done a few wedding cakes (so far no wrecks) and I am SOOOO glad this trend seems to have faded. . . I have actually started a meeting with a couple telling them I do not do staircasse cakes!
So far it hasnt cost me job yet. They are so ugly!!
- Char

Selky said...

A Louis Vuitton wedding cake? Clearly the bride and groom both have baggage! *Badum Chick!*

Letitia said...

AHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYES!!!! WHAT'S UP WITH THE BARBIE CAKE??

Rita said...

I didn't get the whole stairs and fountains thing, so I googled it, and the first result it came up with said this...
"Wedding cakes with fountains and stairs provide an elegant twist on more traditional models and effectively symbolize the journey on which an engaged couple is about to embark. They may not be the most common or popular cakes seen at weddings, but their potential to merge with classic designs make them a worthy style for couples to consider. "
I think the icing sugar has gone to the writer's head!
An old schoolmate recently got married and had one of these cakes, which I still don't understand... Why why why when there's so many beautiful cakes out there, would you choose a monstrosity like that?

WV : adocti ... I think I'm gonna need to see adocti about all these stair & fountain cakes that I'm having nightmares about...

Anonymous said...

My future mother-in-law wanted to make me a cake exactly like all of these. She made staircase fountain cakes for her daughter's wedding. I would cry.

ali said...

The third cake would look ok w/o the foliage, like just have the flowers.

The fourth cake made me laugh out loud. I'd never think of putting deer on a wedding cake.

On the fifth one, maybe red wasn't such a good idea for a fountain. Bout the same as using yellow.

wedding cake toppers said...

ok, i might be crazy, why most ppl say the cakes are crazy or tacky? Actually i love them

Anonymous said...

The 1st one looks just like a wedding cake my uncle had for his wedding. I am 95 percent sure it is the same cake. Add to that the cheesy wood paneling that looks just like the reception area of said wedding. What a small world!! Add to the fact that I was 13 when said wedding took place, and during my first marriage had something similar, but in teal and white. (Hangs my head in Shame)

Helen Tarnation said...

If you think these are bad, you evidently haven't seen My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, yet. With the Barbie dolls stuck in the cakes and the twinkling rope lights squiggled all through them...oy!!!